And here is the next chapter! Akiru Chan and I really love this chapter, and we're pretty sure you'll like it, too. And before I forget, if any of you have read 'The Devil's Canvas,' did you catch the quote I snuck in for the last chapter? XD If you did, let me know in a review! Read and review, flame if you must.
Warning: Discussion of some religious beliefs!
Akiru Chan and I have limited medical knowledge, so please forgive any errors you might find.
Disclaimer: Neither of us own Sebastian or Ciel, or any of the other Kuroshitsuji characters.
'I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here.'That was the only thought racing through Ciel's mind the next week as he sat in Sebastian's office, waiting for the doctor to arrive so he could have his next injection. He was still embarrassed about his actions from the previous week. Why was it that no matter what, he always ended up doing or saying something stupid?
It wouldn't happen this week. He was determined to not be a burden. He wouldn't have another panic attack, and he most definitely would not kiss Sebastian again.
Ironically enough, a similar train of thought passed through Sebastian's mind as he moved into the room and found himself facing Ciel. 'I don't want to be in this room.' He felt his face heat up at the sight of the boy. His mind supplied him with the image of a skimpy nurse's outfit and Sebastian fell into a fit of coughing as he choked on his own spit. The dream had been plaguing him all week, and had birthed various versions throughout the past nights, one in which had Ciel perfectly naked while trying to give Sebastian a prostate exam.
"How are you today?" Sebastian finally asked as he tried to fight off the awkwardness.
"I'm doing okay," Ciel replied in a small voice. "Just nervous about the injections again." That was the truth, if only half of it, Ciel conceded. But he'd just let Sebastian think it was just about the shots.
Ciel wasn't the only one nervous about the injections. Sebastian feared what would come about with the usage of the laughing gas once again. It might be for the best if Ciel was slowly weaned of the drug. Today, though, Sebastian would have to keep his guard up while the boy was under the influence and hope that touching could be kept to a minimum.
"Well you did fine last week, didn't you?" Sebastian reminded him.
Ciel highly doubted that having a panic attack not once but twice was 'fine.' Add to that the fact that he had kissed Sebastian not once but twice, and last week was definitely not 'fine.' But he held his tongue and simply nodded. "I guess I did. But every week is different. I never know when I'm going to panic."
"Well remember you do have me here. If that's any reason to feel comforted." There was a sort of condescending sound to Sebastian's laugh, but the man didn't bother to comment further. He didn't want to bring up what was on his mind, not when he didn't want it there in the first place.
Ciel could feel his cheeks burning, and he quickly ducked his head, feigning nervousness. "Yeah. Thanks." He held out his hand, and Seb pressed his head against his fingers, begging to be petted. Ciel was only too happy to oblige, since it took his mind off the events from both the past and the future.
There was a pause, pregnant and uncomfortable, as Sebastian tried to think of what to say. He knew he was only putting off the inevitable, but why rush to a possible doom? Instead, he sat on his stool and busied himself with looking through Ciel's file. The first five pages were looked through again and again, leaving the last three untouched. Sebastian knew what those three pages held, but he dared not read them. It wasn't his business, no matter how much he wanted to know the cause of Ciel's attacks. That part of the boy's past was no concern of his. He would and could wait until Ciel himself felt ready to reveal the past to Sebastian.
"What made you decide to become a doctor?" Ciel asked, breaking the silence. Seb, by now, had rolled over onto his back, and Ciel was scratching his belly.
Sebastian looked up at that question, slightly surprised by it. He shouldn't have been; he'd been asked it often enough, and each time he had given some sappy story to appease the asker. Everyone seemed to expect some heartwarming story about wanting to help people, or some similar story. The truth of the matter was less bright and cheery.
"Do you really want to know?" Sebastian asked, settling a tired look on Ciel.
Ciel blinked. "If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I know what it's like to have things in your past that..." he trailed off, sure that Sebastian understood what he was saying.
"It's not that. I don't mind talking about it, but you probably won't like the answer," Sebastian said, turning to meet Ciel's eyes. A sudden embarrassment hit and Sebastian forced himself to look away. What was the point? With Ciel, such gestures were pointless. "I wanted to become a doctor for the money. Not to mention, there is an appealing power that comes with the medical practice. Bring someone back from death, or returning their sight. Reminiscent of a god's powers, don't you think?"
Ciel tried to hide a smirk. Money and power? He'd been correct in his earlier assumption, then. That was all that everyone was ever after. Nobody had good intentions anymore. Every action they made was driven by one thing: greed. They didn't care who they hurt as long as they got what they wanted, whether it be money, power, or sex.
An almost hysterical giggle bubbled within Ciel. Yes, everyone had dark motives hidden deep within themselves. That was why it was so difficult for him to trust people. Most of the people he knew had used and abused him for some sick purpose, and he feared it happening again. He shuddered, remembering that time.
Seemingly surprised, Sebastian said, "I knew you wouldn't like my answer, but I didn't think you'd find it humorous." His expression was an odd mix of concern and amusement. "I do suppose the humorous part would be me actually caring past the money for once." The words were mumbled, not intended for Ciel's ears.
"I'm sorry. I just figured that was the case," Ciel said. "Money and power. Isn't that what drives most people? No one does anything unless they get something out of it. What's in it for me, they wonder," he gave a small, humorless laugh before sobering and hugging his knees to his chest. "They'll do anything to feel powerful..."
"Isn't that how society has taught us to be - eat or be eaten? I'm sure you know the world isn't a kind place. It's better to be on top than at the bottom of the food chain. Having money buys safety and security in life." Sebastian shrugged his shoulders. He didn't expect Ciel to understand when the boy was just now entering the adult world.
Ciel burst into laughter so hard, tears formed in his eyes. "Th-that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" He said a bit breathlessly. "Money can't buy safety and security. If it did, then-" Here he stopped, his eyes darkening and his mouth forming a thin line. "Then I wouldn't be sitting here in your office..." He finished quietly.
Indeed, Sebastian supposed Ciel had reason to say that and it was true in some respects. "Money cannot save you from everything, but in time you will learn that it does give its own security. You are benefiting from it now, are you not? Sitting here in my office and undergoing your treatment, it gives you peace of mind to think that you will see again. Money has given you that." The world held too many evils and unfortunately, Ciel did not realize that whatever had happened to him was only a small portion of what else waited within the dark depths.
Ciel hadn't thought of it that way, and he had to admit that Sebastian had a valid point. This treatment that he was going through was very expensive. An ordinary person wouldn't be able to afford it, but because of the wealth Ciel's family had, it was possible for him. "Touche," he murmured.
Sebastian tapped his pen on the tip of Ciel's nose, making the boy jump. "Indeed, the doctor is always right." He chuckled and turned back around to begin readying the items needed for today's treatment.
Ciel rubbed his nose, wondering if there was now a mark there from the pen. Sighing, he leaned back and waited for Sebastian to finish. His nervousness had reappeared, and he jiggled his right leg impatiently. Seb whined and licked his hand, attempting to soothe his master's frazzled nerves.
"So," Sebastian began as he moved back to Ciel's side, "gas or no gas?" He waved the mask around, the rubber and plastic making a unique rustling sound.
Ciel paused, wondering which was the lesser evil. "We can try the gas again," he said slowly. "It might bother me, but I don't think it will be as bad as not using the gas."
Nodding, Sebastian proceeded to fix the mask over Ciel's face and turned on the release so that the medication could take affect. "I'll give you a minute and then I'll proceed with the injections." The doctor went back to gather the syringes and readied them for the task at hand.
Ciel let the gas cloud his mind, and he closed his eyes. He kept his thoughts directed at safe subjects to prevent a panic attack. Even as Sebastian stuck the needles in his eyes, he refused to succumb to his fears. He could do this; he just needed to have that mindset, and he would be fine.
With steady hands, the needle was removed and placed on a tray. It was done, but Sebastian had the oddest feeling that the worst was yet to come. The mask was removed to reveal a whimsical look on Ciel's face. "Sit still," Sebastian ordered, and moved away to take care of cleaning and disposal.
Ciel obeyed, curling up into a little ball. His eyes were closed as he hummed to himself with the occasional giggle interrupting the melody. Seb kept a careful watch on him, eyes never leaving him.
"Sebastian?" Ciel suddenly called out.
"Yes?" Sebastian turned from what he was doing to regard the boy. Blue eyes were looking to his right, but instantly moved the moment Sebastian spoke to settle on the doctor.
"Can I have chocolate chip cookies again? They were really good last week. Of course, I like anything that's sweet," Ciel rambled. "I used to get in trouble when I was younger because I'd sneak into the cookie jar before dinner."
"Maybe later when I know you can walk." Having Ciel up and walking now would turn disastrous. Disorientation plus blindness did not mix and Sebastian did not want to resort to carrying the boy again. He had already had to answer for the incident last week in the garden. "For now just stay put."
"Okay," Ciel agreed, happy that Sebastian hadn't said no. He concentrated on feeling better so that he could have the cookies faster. It seemed childish, he knew, to be so obsessed with the sweets, but he had a sweet tooth. Silence rose in the room for a few minutes before Ciel spoke again. "I brought a book to read later."
This perked Sebastian's interest. Reading had always been a hobby of Sebastian, and he was always looking for reasons to speak of literature and the like. "What are you reading?" he asked, rolling over towards the boy.
"I'm reading Faust," Ciel replied. "I finished the 'First Part of The Tragedy,' and it's really good so far." He paused here, thinking on his next words. "Faust is an idiot, though, I think."
"You're reading Goethe's version?" It was Sebastian's favorite retelling of the old German tale. Goethe's Mephistopheles was much more entertaining then Marlowe's interpretation of the demon. He smiled as he thought back to when he had first read the play and decided that perhaps Ciel was right. Faust was idiotic for making such a contract, but that was human nature. Always wanting more and more until things turned out for the worst, and then they wanted to take none of the consequences. Faust was indeed lucky to have God's help in the end. "He was a coward," Sebastian said at last.
Ciel hummed. "Yes, he was. If I ever made a deal with a demon, then I at least would make it something better than asking for wealth. And I wouldn't beg and plead for my life, either." A small jolt traveled through his body, and he instinctively scrunched into a little ball, whimpering.
The glint of a sharp knife in the candlelight. "Please, don't kill me," he sobbed.
The excruciating pain that raced through his entire being. "I can't see!" He screamed.
The blessed oblivion that took over. "Someone... Help me..." he murmured.
The whimpers turned into terrified screams.
"Was there a bit of hypocrisy in that statement?" Sebastian wondered as his hand came to tenderly soothe Ciel with gentle pats against the boy's head. "I wonder if you pleaded for yourself as wrongs were done upon you. Were you indeed Faust in the end?" It was with grim fascination that Sebastian asked this of the troubled boy. Upon the table he looked like a child, huddled and whimpering between terror filled screams.
Ciel gasped for air as the fear clawed at his throat, making it nearly impossible to breathe. He felt a soft touch on his head, so different than the ones he was experiencing in his panic attack. He choked on a sob as he reached out a hand, grasping onto Sebastian's sleeve and refusing to let go. The comforting and familiar scent of the doctor surrounded him, replacing the dank, musty smell of his memories.
"Don't be Faust again." The doctor's voice was closer, whispered into Ciel's ear. "Don't let these memories force you upon your knees. Don't let them make you beg."
Ciel's breathing began to even out as he listened to Sebastian. They were just memories of the past. They couldn't hurt him anymore. The terror ebbed slowly away, leaving Ciel feeling drained and exhausted. He drew in a shuddering breath, still holding onto Sebastian.
Sebastian's hand drifted from atop Ciel's head, down to his shoulder and then to his arm. It sat hesitant for a moment upon the boy's hand before slipping onto a thigh and then to a more appropriate knee. He gave it a pat and didn't bother to move away. "Better?" Sebastian asked.
Ciel nodded. "Yes, thank you." He felt Sebastian's hand on various parts of his body, but it didn't stir up bad memories. Instead, it helped to relax him even further. He smiled. "I've never felt this comfortable with anyone before."
The hand on Ciel's knee twitched. Sebastian knew what he was doing was wrong; this bond that seemed to be growing was bordering on inappropriate. Neither male moved, nothing changed. The atmosphere was heavy with something Sebastian didn't want to name. He could not fathom what it was about this boy that made him fall out of himself and actually care for the patient beyond the payment they would bring. Never did Sebastian need to push false kindness and pretense into his words when addressing the boy.
"Sebastian? Can I see what you look like?" Ciel asked, his words hesitant. He held his breath, awaiting the doctor's answer.
Scarlet eyes bore into the boy, clouded with confusion. "Ciel I don't-" Sebastian cut himself off as Ciel's raised hand came into view. He understood then what Ciel was asking for. It seemed that it would cross a line that Sebastian was reluctant to pass. Yet, as the word 'No' pressed feebly at his mind, 'Yes' was what tumbled from his mouth with a breathy gasp that seemed to radiate an unwarranted relief.
Ciel reached out tentatively, and his fingertips grazed Sebastian's cheek. He sat up so that he could use both hands, and started at Sebastian's forehead. He felt the soft hair framing the doctor's face, the thin eyebrows that arched over the eyes, and his nose. His cheeks were next, and Ciel faltered slightly as his fingers drew closer to where Sebastian's lips were, instead choosing to bypass them in favor of the chin.
Finally, Ciel took a deep breath and raised his trembling hands to the older male's lips. They were still as soft as he remembered, and the inexplicable desire to kiss him rose inside him once more. He knew that this time, he would not accidentally kiss his cheek, since he could tell where his lips were.
Ciel moved his head forward slightly, his fingers still pressed to Sebastian's lips. He felt Sebastian stiffen as he moved closer until he was a mere breath away. And then there was no distance at all.
Dreams did not compete against the real thing - was what Sebastian thought at first. He didn't even remember Ciel's lips feeling so soft during the accidental kiss, as Sebastian thought of it, on the bench. It was an exquisite feeling and there was nothing the doctor could do to resist it.
Sebastian leaned in against his better judgement, hands coming up to wind into Ciel's hair and pulling the boy closer. Their lips worked against one another. It was an intimate action, one out of place for who they were. The sudden realization had Sebastian pulling away, his hands up in the air beside Ciel's head as he wondered how they had come to be there in the first place.
Ciel froze when he no longer felt Sebastian's lips against his. His hands slowly lowered away from the doctor's face, and he let them fall limply to his side.
Sebastian had pulled away. Why, Ciel wasn't certain. He'd seemed to enjoy the kiss; he'd even responded to it. So why had he stopped? Tears burned at Ciel's eyes, and he quickly tilted his head down so that the other male didn't see them.
Sebastian had read Ciel's file. That was the only explanation that Ciel could come up with. The things written in the file weren't pleasant, and very few people actually knew everything that had happened. So if Sebastian had read it, then he knew everything.
That thought made Ciel flinch, and he felt so dirty and used; he just wanted to go home and take a shower to scrub away their memories. He hugged himself, fingers scraping lightly at the tiny needle marks on his upper arms.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." The apology sounded hollow even to Sebastian's ears. He didn't feel guilty for what he had done; he had wanted, and it was obvious that Ciel had wanted it as well. Taking a chance, Sebastian's hands resettled themselves on the boy's cheeks. The dampness of them had the doctor frowning and he tilted Ciel's head up to see the tearful eyes.
Sebastian leaned in and kissed a falling tear away. "We shouldn't be doing this," he said, hoping to convince himself more so than Ciel. "I'm your doctor, and I can only be that. Propriety won't allow for more."
Ciel's sightless eyes stared blankly ahead. Sebastian had apologized, and what he'd said did make sense, but Ciel couldn't help but wonder if he was withholding more information than he was letting on. Perhaps Sebastian was merely using their patient/doctor status as an excuse so he didn't have to tell Ciel the real reason they couldn't do that. Ciel's mind went back to his file. After reading that, who would want him?
"Okay," he whispered finally, leaning back away from the doctor, a subtle hint that he didn't want to be touched anymore.
All physical contact ended as Sebastian moved back to sit on his stool. He still watched the boy, seeing what he wanted but could never have. After the past week of forbidden dreams, to be given a real taste of that desire was addicting. Sebastian wanted more of Ciel, and was hard pressed not to lean forward once more to claim the boys lips.
"We can't," Sebastian said again to himself. "I'm a decade older then you. You're still just a boy and my patient." His hand flew to pinch the bridge of his nose as his warring thoughts threatened him with a headache.
Ciel sat there in silence for a few minutes before he felt like he could now talk without breaking down. "I'd like to read my book now," he stated, his voice devoid of any emotion. Even his facial expression was carefully wiped clean; there was nothing to give away what he was thinking.
"Yes, of course." The older man paused, debating over his next words. "If you'd like, you could relax in my office. I have a patient to see soon, but at least there, no one will bother you." Sebastian's offer was innocent enough. He was sure the boy didn't want to spend more time than necessary with him at the moment. At least Ciel could lay back and get comfortable on the couch while he read opposed to the stiff examination table he was on now.
"That would be fine," Ciel said. He didn't care where he went; he just wanted to be alone. He hopped off of the table, not expecting his knees to buckle from being stiff due to sitting for so long.
Sebastian caught him in one fluid movement, pressing the boy against his chest to keep him stable. "Are you alright?" he asked, true concern flashing in wine red eyes. Not that Ciel could see, but perhaps he could hear it in the tone of the man's voice.
"Don't touch me!" Ciel fairly shrieked, pushing away from the doctor. He stumbled backwards and slammed his arm into the examination table. He let out a hiss of pain, his hand immediately flying to his arm to rub at the sore spot.
"Ciel!" Taking no heed to Ciel's words, Sebastian rushed forward to examine the boy. "What do you think you're doing? You're going to hurt yourself," he reprimanded gently as Ciel's arm was checked over. There would probably be a bruise but nothing more serious.
Ciel didn't pull away this time, instead allowing the doctor to touch him. His arm did hurt, and he knew that it would be even more stiff and sore by tomorrow. His fingers twitched as he wondered if Sebastian was able to see the marks present in his skin. Not that it mattered, since he had read Ciel's file. He bit his lip, turning his face to the side.
"I'm okay," he said flatly.
"Are you sure?" Sebastian pushed, not very convinced with how Ciel was currently acting. He wasn't sure what he had done to warrant such indifference. Had Sebastian's refusal of Ciel really hurt the boy that much? The man was still confused how such a mutual attraction had sprouted in the first place.
Ciel shrugged. "I've been hurt worse than this," he whispered softly and visibly shuddered, trying to squelch the memories threatening to overwhelm him again. He stood, holding onto the table until he was sure that he wouldn't fall over.
A warm hand brushed away Ciel's hair to reveal blue eyes. "Have you?" Sebastian asked and cupped the boy's cheek. It felt soft against his palm, and he found himself stroking it lightly.
"Yes. It's how I lost my sight. Trauma to the back of my head," Ciel's voice was steady and unwavering. He resisted the urge to lean into Sebastian's touch, despite how good it felt.
"I see," but Sebastian didn't comment further on it. What Ciel had been through was none of his business. A small part of Sebastian wanted to know, but more so because he wanted to make it all better. He wanted to stop the tears and bring back the smiles. Above all else, he wanted Ciel to see once more.
Ciel gave him a small, sad smile. "Are we going back to your office now?" He questioned, snapping his fingers. Seb trotted over and stood patiently by Ciel.
Nothing was said for a moment. Sebastian stared down at Ciel, contemplating. Taking a chance, he swooped down to lay one last lingering kiss upon Ciel's lips. This might be the last time he ever got the chance, so he saw no wrong in the act. Pulling back, he hesitated for only a second and retreated back to give Ciel some room.
"Let's get going," he said and moved towards the door.
Ciel remained where he was in complete shock. He hadn't been expecting Sebastian to kiss him. He touched a finger to his lips, feeling them tingle. "Why?" The question, although hardly above a whisper, echoed in the room.
Why what? There was so much to question in that moment. Sebastian shrugged and hummed in the back of his throat. "I wanted to remember," he said and left it at that as he fell into thought.
Ciel said nothing more, merely followed Sebastian from the examining room to his office. He had a lot to think about. He was still slightly hurt that Sebastian had pulled away from the kiss, stating that it wasn't right because they were doctor and patient. But if that was the case, then why had he kissed him a second time? Simply because he wanted to remember?
Ciel knew that until he figured this whole thing out, he wouldn't have any rest.
They made it to the office quickly enough, Sebastian only having to stop them when a nurse asked if everything was alright with all the screaming she had heard prior. Sebastian had just smiled and nodded, shrugging the incident off as if it were nothing. And in every truth, it was nothing compared to what had transpired soon after.
Pushing open the door, Ciel was ushered in and moved to sit on the couch. "I'm doing a quick consultation. It shouldn't take long, so I should be back soon." Sebastian announced before leaving the room quickly. He was already five minutes late due to the incident and he would have to hurry.
"Okay." Ciel snuggled onto the couch after grabbing his book. Finding his bookmark, he opened it to the page he had left off on. His fingers trailed down the page, searching for the place he had last read. When he had found it, he settled back and began to read.
Time seemed to fly by as he read, becoming absorbed in the tragic story of Faust. Sebastian's words came rushing back to him, and he set the book aside after saving his place. Was he like Faust whenever a panic attack hit? Did he beg and plead to be spared? Was he as pathetic as Faust?
He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to that question.
Twenty minutes later, a knock sounded at the door. It was light but loud in the quiet room. Without hearing so much as a 'come in,' the door opened and Sebastian peeked his head into the room. He wasn't too sure if the boy wanted him there or not. If worse came to worst, Sebastian could just head over to the labs and look over some things to pass the time.
"Can I come in?" he asked, feeling a little funny for having to ask to enter his personal office.
Ciel's head turned towards the door. "Sure," he replied, a bit puzzled as to why he had asked. Scooting up on the couch so that he was sitting, he hugged his knees to his chest. There was an awkward tension filling the air, and Ciel wasn't sure what to do to get rid of it.
The door was closed with a resounding snap and Sebastian moved into the room. He stood awkwardly, not knowing if he should chance sitting on the couch next to Ciel or his own padded office chair. It would probably be for the best if Sebastian began to put some space between himself and the boy. Nothing could grow between them; it would be doomed to fail from the moment it started.
Ciel might have been one of a kind, but Sebastian did not think the boy was worth losing his licence over.
Ciel listened to Sebastian as he made his way to the chair behind his desk. He gave a sad smile; it appeared as though the doctor didn't want to be anywhere near Ciel. But it was probably for the best, anyways. With his past and history of panic attacks and post-traumatic stress disorder, a person would have to be crazy to subject themselves to a life of not knowing what will spring an attack.
The young boy grabbed his book, holding it in front of his face under the pretense of reading it; he was just using it to hide behind. He didn't want Sebastian to see the tears that had crept back into his eyes.
"What part are you on?" Sebastian asked after a moment. Silence would do them no good, and would only birth more tension. Neither one of them needed that, not after a different sort of tension had settled within Sebastian's gut.
Ciel blinked. "I'm on Act Five now. Pretty soon, Faust will die, although he got off rather easy in the end. Angels took his soul to heaven instead of Mephistopheles taking his soul."
Sebastian hummed and leaned back into his chair. "People never quite get what they deserve, don't you agree? Our God has an interesting sort of humor." Fingers tapped upon the wood, filling the room with that persistent sound.
Ciel snorted. "God? Do you believe in a god?" He set his book beside him; the conversation was becoming rather interesting and he didn't want to miss any of it.
"I do believe in a god, but it's another matter entirely whether I bow down to him or not." The doctor's voice was flat and unamused. "He cares not for humanity and I care not for him. If that means that I shall be sent to hell, well then so be it."
"I don't think he exists, personally. Or if he does exist, he obviously doesn't care," Ciel stated. "I went to church with my family, I prayed diligently, and look what happened to me. He didn't save me when I asked him to. He let me go through all of that; he abandoned me."
"And thus is this hell he's allowed us to live in. What else can you do but grovel around like a dog and try to find some peace for one's self?" What depressing matters they had found themselves talking about. Sebastian couldn't say he enjoyed the conversation, but what else could he talk about? Ciel seemed at ease with his words so it was of no worry to Sebastian. He sighed and turned his chair to fully face Ciel, their knees now only inches from touching one another.
Ciel hummed in reply. "How true." He leaned back, feeling more at ease now than he had been before, and gave a light chuckle. "I bet you've never had a conversation like this with any of your other patients."
"Of course not, but you seem to make a habit of making me make exceptions to my rules." Against his better judgement, Sebastian patted Ciel's knee. How Sebastian had moved from touching Ciel's shoulder to his knee was a mystery in itself. He didn't think much of his actions at the moment, knowing that if he did this scene would end.
Ciel tilted his head to the side. "Exceptions to your rules?" He echoed, curious as to what he meant. His heart rate sped up slightly as he wondered if Sebastian was alluding to the fact that they had shared several kisses now. If that was the case, did the doctor mean that he wanted to continue that? Although Ciel tried to persuade himself that he was wrong in his thinking, a small part of him still hoped that he was correct.
"I'm usually very particular about not getting close to my patients. They are just one face in many to come. I don't have time to deal with them or to care whether the treatments work or not. Just feed them the good doctor act and they are satisfied enough." Sebastian sighed and the squeak of the chair resounded in the room as he reclined back. "But you-" he eyed Ciel. "Are something different entirely, aren't you? Not only did you make me care, but you also make me want to..." Sebastian trailed off to fill the room with a pregnant silence. The unsaid 'kiss you,' 'hold you,' 'have you,' hanging heavily in the air.
Ciel clenched his hands together tightly. He was hardly breathing, too anxious about what Sebastian was saying. He nervously licked his lips. "Sebastian...?" He spoke hesitantly. "Will you kiss me? Please?" He added as an afterthought.
"Do you understand what you're asking for?" Sebastian said after a moment. To pursue this, whatever this was, would lead to hardships and hells that Sebastian wasn't sure he wanted. Everything was happening way too fast on top of everything else. Of course, he had to admit, the attraction had always been there, but the birth of this sexual tension had been new and too far into the unknown.
Ciel nodded slowly, then blushed and looked away. "I...I like you," he confessed. "And not just in the casual way. But... I don't know; I guess there's something about you that is pulling me in. If that makes any sense," he murmured.
It made perfect sense, for that was the same feeling Sebastian experienced whenever he was around the boy. "There are so many things going against this. So many reasons for us to stop here and never look back." His voice drew closer as he spoke, contradicting his words as he moved closer still.
The scent of old spice grew stronger, and Ciel closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. "Do you want to stop?" He asked softly as he also leaned forward.
Sebastian didn't answer as his lips met Ciel's for the third time that day. Once more, he fell victim to the lure and intoxication the boy offered. He did not know if it was worth stopping, or if continuing on this path would be worth the hardships to come. Nothing made sense and for once in Sebastian's life, he didn't know what to expect. It scared him and excited him all at once. In this moment, he decided, would be about Ciel and nothing else. Sebastian would drown in this drug. Whether he got addicted or not would surely seal his fate.
Ciel was trembling from both excitement and apprehension. He was kissing his doctor again, and even though he had asked this time, he was nervous because he didn't want to look like an idiot. He feared it was already too late for that, however. He was entirely unsure of what to do with his hands, so he simply clutched the couch cushions, his fingers digging into the fabric.
A tongue darted out to lick at Ciel's lips, tasting the boy. Sebastian wasn't sure what would accurately describe Ciel's flavor; it was both sweet and salty and altogether wonderful. He pressed closer to the boy, hands winding around shoulders and pulling Ciel as close as he could despite their positions. A nip at Ciel's lips and Sebastian gained access into the boy's mouth, taking full advantage of the situation. His tongue met boldly with Ciel's and slid across the wet muscle, giving it a teasing stroke.
Ciel gasped into the kiss. This aspect of intimacy was new to him, and he could feel his cheeks burning from embarrassment. He shyly slid his tongue against Sebastian's and hoped that he was doing it right. He was conscious of Sebastian's arms wrapping around him and stiffened slightly, ready to push away if he felt the need.
Sebastian's hands traveled up Ciel's back to bury themselves in dark hair. After a moment more of this, his tongue retreated and a few last kisses were placed upon Ciel's lips before Sebastian drew away altogether. The man's hands were still tangled in raven hair and Sebastian could not find it within himself to let go.
"Sorry," Sebastian breathed. He hadn't intended to escalate the kiss to such an extent, but it seemed Ciel really did force him to make exceptions for everything.
Ciel swallowed hard, his eyes glazed over. "It's okay. I've just...never been kissed like that," he admitted as the red tint to his cheeks became even more obvious. "You were actually my first kiss." After that sentence left his mouth, Ciel clamped it shut, determined not to embarrass himself further. Why did he keep babbling about unimportant things?
Sebastian smiled and brought Ciel's hand to his lips to kiss. "I feel honored then," he said. There was something uplifting knowing that Ciel had been granted one pleasant thing in his youth. It was obvious that a lot of things had been stolen from Ciel's childhood. At least Sebastian could give the boy the excitement of his first kiss.
Ciel bit his lip to keep himself from grinning like an idiot. For some unexplainable reason, he was excited. Never in a million years did he think that this would ever happen to him. He'd always thought that anyone who found out about his past would keep him at arm's length.
His smile faltered slightly as he remembered that Sebastian had read his file. Why was he being so nice to Ciel, then? Could it be out of pity? He felt sorry for everything that the boy had gone through so he decided to play nice for a bit to make him feel better?
"Your mom will be here soon." Sebastian said after a quick glance to the clock. Time had gone by far too quickly and Sebastian wasn't ready to relinquish Ciel. On the bright side of things, soon the boy would be coming for his overnight stays. They would be granted endless time to spend together and talk. Just talk. Sebastian would have to be careful and keep these moments of intimacy at a low.
Ciel gave a small sigh. "I kind of figured it was close to when she'd be coming." He stretched his arms above his head and hissed as the pain in his arm grew. "Ow," he rubbed at the tender spot. "This will take a while to heal."
"You'll be fine by next week." A pat was given to Ciel head as Sebastian stood and stretched his own body. Joints popped and he let out a satisfied sigh.
Ciel was about to reply when a knock was heard on the door, and Rachel entered after being told to come in. She smiled brightly. "Hello. How did everything go this week?"
Ciel looked over in Sebastian's direction. He wasn't sure what to say about the bruise on his arm, and he knew that his mom would notice it soon enough.
"Things went well. Although Ciel had a little spill due to the laughing gas. Got up too quickly and got lightheaded, but he's fine." Sebastian smiled at Rachel and reached out to shake her hand. He hadn't appreciated the woman's timing but made no comment on it.
Rachel gasped. "Oh, Ciel. Your arm!" She rushed over to look at it.
Ciel looked embarrassed at the attention he was getting. "Mom, it's fine, honestly," he groaned.
Rachel straightened and sighed. "I'm sorry. You're eighteen. You don't need me anymore." She smiled sadly at Sebastian. "They grow up so fast."
Ciel buried his face in his hands. "Mom, can we please go? I'm tired."
"All right, then. Thank you, Sebastian, and we'll see you next week," the woman stated.
"Take care Ciel." Sebastian fell back into his chair as soon as they left; face going into his hands. What was he getting himself into? He didn't know and groaned at his idiocy. It was too late now, Sebastian supposed. His fate was sown and it was only a matter of time to see what would grow because of it.
Hopefully it would be worth it.