The Woods Are Dark and Deep

by Blue Jeans

Chapter 16

Another winter came and went. Spring warmed the green meadows and my favorite flowers began to bloom. I often found myself making flowered wreathes to wear, leaving one for Kaoru in the mornings when I greeted him and the new day. I would spend clear, warm days like this watching the blue skies pass by overhead. Sometimes I would play a game to guess the shapes of the clouds and then I would let myself nap away the afternoon.

In my ears, faintly, I could almost hear Kaoru's voice when he had been my brother, long ago, telling me fantastical stories for each animal I picked out. Sometimes he would point to a cloud and call it something I have never heard of before. I remembered slowly, in those quiet, sunny days, his smiles and cheer, his imagination and humor. Things that Sen sometimes reminded me of, things I had forgotten about him and he must have surely forgotten about himself.

It was in this manner that Kazama found me. His shadow came over me as I was tracing a rabbit overhead. At first I didn't realize who he was, having seen only his shadow. I jumped up and turned to him, not sure if I should be expecting Sen or an attack, or Sen.

Instead, Kazama looked back at me quietly. I stared at him in shock, forgetting for a moment how to speak. And then, suddenly I was sharply aware of how my kimono was a little skewed from me twisting off the ground too fast. I could feel how the flower wreath in my hair was crooked, half hanging off of my head. I reached up with fumbling hands and straightened it. When I was done I saw the flash of laughter shining in his eyes before he masked it.

He was laughing at me!

The nerve!

I almost growled at him. It had been awhile since I interacted with anyone, I feared my manners were probably a little rough around the edges by now. It took me a moment longer than I would have liked to get my temper back in check. "Chizuru," he acknowledged me as if I were the guest instead of him, looking seriously and imposingly down at me. I straightened my back at this. It wasn't going to fool me and it definitely was not a proper hello, but I guess it was as close to one as I was going to get out of him.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" I asked stiffly instead, hating my breathless voice and not really wanting to hear his answer.

"Sen told me you needed company," Kazama answered evenly.

I swallowed.

I guess I am not the only one on a first name basis with Kazama anymore. I stared at him not sure where to go from there. "Aren't you going to invite me in for tea?" he asked pointedly, as if I was being unnecessarily rude.

I frowned at him then and tried not to sniff. "Follow me," I said and turned without bothering to check if he was actually following. I made tea and discretely straightened my kimono while in the kitchen. He didn't comment but I knew he noticed when I came back with the tea I promised. We sat in a long, awkward silence. If this had been Sen's idea, and I knew it was, then it was probably the worst idea she has had in a long time. I silently fumed as I drank my tea and stared at everything in the room except my uninvited guest. I silently vowed that I wasn't going to make this easy for him.

"How are you?" Kazama asked me at last, breaking the silence. He was really terrible at small talk. I was surprised that he was making an effort. Usually, Sen would have had me laughing by now and feeling at ease, glad for the company of another to brighten my lonelier days. Kazama's conversation just made me want to go back to the kitchen, block the door so he couldn't follow and, for once, be sincerely grateful for the lack of company. In fact, I was tempted to do just that, never coming out again until he decided to end both of our miseries and leave the premises.

"I'm good," I answered politely. It was not far from the truth. This was the most at peace that I've been since I had left Edo to look for my father. True, I have also never been lonelier, but everything had its price. "How have you been?" I asked expressionlessly in return. It was an automatic gesture and I regretted the words as soon as I uttered them.

I didn't want to know.

I didn't want to hear if Sen bore his child. I didn't want to learn that he was happy without me. I didn't want him to divulge what brought him here. And I certainly didn't want to know when he would go. It hurt so much to sit in his presence that it was all I could do not to squirm. I had forgotten how intense his eyes were, how much his smile could make my heart quake, and how much I missed him.

I would have done well to not remember any of it but it was already too late.

Up until now I had even succeeded in not thinking about him except for the occasional, unintentional pang. I had tried, at first, to remember him fondly but the exercise was simply too depressing. Eventually, I simply realized I needed to stop thinking about him at all, but his current presence destroyed the wall I had spent the past few years building to protect myself.

So, here he was... Unapologetic and in the flesh. Back to torture me.

Apparently, Sen somehow thought this was a good idea.

Even knowing this I couldn't be angry with her. Sen had always had my best intentions in mind. Since we had first met she had been my friend, one who was always willing to lend a hand, despite the dangers that surrounded me. She knew me, perhaps better than anyone who was still alive and not Kazama. She was my one true friend. Whatever she had done, even if it was with Kazama, I knew it was because of her clan and her duties.

Perhaps, now, it was also because her heart as well...?

I did not want to think on it. Yet, I could also not begrudge her of that. I had done so much more and far worse in the name of clan and duty. Kaoru's grave was a physical testament to all the things I have done.

"I am well," Kazama's voice broke into my thoughts. "I have traveled all over Japan. I know now for sure that all the furies your brother had created are gone. Most of the humans who know about the furies also seemed to have met with some unfortunate accidents." I didn't need to ask for more details, I understood what he didn't say. Kazama was efficient at everything he did (and it certainly didn't help his personality that he knew this too).

Still, I blinked at him for what his words had meant. So, he had done something else for me again. I had not known. I had simply thought that he had gone on to fulfill his duties to his clan and had begun the process of forgetting the girl who could not help him achieve his goals anymore. It had been too painful to think rationally when it came to him, but I really should have known better. I set aside all my feelings then and rose to stand before him. "Thank you," I said to him with all the sincerity I felt and bowed deeply in gratitude.

I had, apparently, remained his responsibility, even after all this time. Then, before I could fully straighten and back away, Kazama's hands were suddenly on me, wrapping themselves around my arms. I found myself lifted up the rest of the way to face him and, when I straightened, I could do no more than look at him. His eyes met mine and they pierced into me, making me feel more than I thought I was capable of.

He was so close I could smell him. I had forgotten what he smelled like. Warm and dark and strong, like the woods Kaoru and I had traveled through to get here; like a summer evening full of stars.

I had not been this close to him in years. No, not since that perfect night in Ezo when the whole world had felt like it would soon be at my feet and I had been no more than a simple demon girl with a dream that hadn't seemed impossible. At that time I had not known that the place I was searching for was here... without Kazama beside me.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I asked. I wanted to jerk away. I needed to jerk away. Here was Kazama, the person most likely to be the father of Sen's child. Here was the man I had loved and who I could never have. In this house, as the woman I was now, I had long realized I could never give him what he needed even if he was all that I wanted.

I thought I had laid this unsettling desire to rest, even though I had to bury it alive the night my brother died. And then, he showed up. Seeing him now, I could feel the emotion clawing its way out of its early grave and refusing to stay dead.

Even though my journey had allowed me to understand him better than anyone, it had only made it easier to love him. It allowed me to understand the true meaning of the duty the both of us had to bear. I could finally understand his contempt for mankind and his desire to secure the safety of the demon race at all costs. I understood all these things now as I had never understood them when I was that girl who had been kissed and was too insecure to ask for more. I wasn't that dreaming girl anymore, but my heart still loved him, all the more because of what I now know. Perhaps, because of what I chose, there would never be a chance for another to replace him.

Yet, had there ever been any other choices?

Looking back, I could not think of another road to take or another choice to make. Even though I loved him, even though what I chose at the end cost me all that I had ever wanted, what was between Kaoru and I had been more important. I could not allow any more furies to rip apart another's happiness. I could also not allow my brother to suffer the loneliness and hatred alone any longer, not after what I remembered. It had already driven him mad and I had been too late to save him as he had once saved me. Our two intertwined lives had both been at that edge and Kaoru had crossed over, beckoning me to join him because, always, we shared everything we could. Since the womb this had been true, no one else had the right to do what I had to do. Kaoru deserved no less. There had been no other choices then but I had still made it in the end.

With my own hands, I had ended Kaoru's life, the only life I would ever end again.

Kazama did not answer me as he watched the emotions flicker across my face. Instead, like he had done that day in Ezo, he leaned in and kissed me. It was a different kiss from the one we shared so long ago. This one was full of longing and sadness, of pained separations and heated, buried desires. I was no longer a girl and he was so much more than the boy who found me interesting...

In this kiss I relearned the Kazama I thought I knew, rewriting my memories of him. This time I closed my eyes and did not wonder at the length of his eyelashes. Instead, I let my hands clutch at the soft, silky strands of his hair that framed his perfect face. I did not study the smoothness of his skin either. Instead, I memorized him with my mouth, until there was only of him. There had always been only him.

When he pulled away, I could do nothing more than breathlessly look up at him. I felt again that ache inside of my heart that had never quite left me since we parted ways, though I had become good at ignoring it. I knew that the kiss changed nothing, that I still could not have him in any way. "Chikage?" I whispered. All of my fears and all of my desires were in the sound of my voice when I said his name.

He did not answer me with words. Instead, he pulled me to him and buried his face into my neck. We stood there for a long time afterwards. He breathed me in and I held on to him. It was nice... warm and safe and bitter-sweet. It lasted until my stomach grumbled, breaking me from my haze. "Are you hungry?" he asked, pulling back with his eyebrow quirked in question and his face placidly innocent.

I blushed beneath his laughing eyes but instead of hitting him for enjoying my embarrassment, I frowned at him before I pulled myself out of his embrace. "I'll go make dinner," I declared and abruptly turned, trying hard to walk away with dignity. For a long time I stood in the kitchen afterwards, realizing what I had allowed to happen. I relived those moments over and over, unable to help myself. I touched my fingers to my lips, feeling the warm impression of Kazama's lips upon them. I could still feel his strong arms surrounding me, the heat of his own body pressed against mine.

Why was he here? How long would he stay? Could I really do this to Sen, my one true friend who I loved?

I had no answers so I dazedly went through the motions of making dinner, like I said I would. When it was done, I went out and served it to him. We ate it in silence and finally, after I cleared the table, I forced myself to voice the questions that should have been brought forth when he had appeared before me.

"Are you the father of Sen's child?" I asked him, looking him in the eyes.

"Yes," he said, "A girl. Sen named her Chizuru," he smiled at me ruefully. Apparently, I was not the only victim of Sen's good ideas.

I returned his smile, equally rueful but a little happy too, before I looked away. I couldn't hold his gaze.

A girl, I mouthed instead to distract myself. One named after me? A sweet pain bloomed in my chest. Oh Sen, I thought lovingly, you would do this for me, wouldn't you? I wondered what their child looked like, who the girl resembled more, and hoped, for one brief, tender moment that it was Sen.

My smile fell away.

"Why are you here then?" I could not face him for this next question. His answer would decide how this night would end.

Kazama waited me out. I knew he wanted me to face him when he answered but I couldn't. Even I was not that brave. "I came for you," he finally said to my profile. He said it as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Because you would not come to me, I came to get you." Even from where he sat, he must have seen how much his words hurt me. Those words had been a promise to another girl, one who could have given him what he needed years ago. But she was gone now and I was here in her place. "You cannot leave this place yet, so I am staying here until you can."

I blinked. One tear and then another fell before I realized what he said. I turned sharply to him, my face perplexed and hopeful. "Wh-what?"

"I have done my duties for both of our people, Chizuru. I have killed all of Kodo's, and then your brother's, abominations. I have also given the Kazama clan a pure-blooded child. A daughter, no less." Kazama smiled, proud but also tired. I have never seen this expression on his face before. I don't think he has ever let anyone see how heavily his duties weighed upon him. I have seen him express distaste often, but never tiring... Perhaps it had never truly been that until I had come along. "Now I just want to be with you." He said this gently, as if I were easy to scare. Then, slowly and deliberately, he reached across the small table separating us. He caught my trembling hand in his and when I finally moved to pull away, startled out of my daze by the contact, he would not let me go.

Yet, it was his words and not his touch that I could not believe.

"Who will protect Sen and your daughter?" I demanded, desperate for him to stop this farce and a little mad at him for abandoning them. While I could not prevent the hope from growing inside of me, it did not mean I would ignore what his decision meant. If he was going to hurt me, if he had not thought this through clearly, it would be better that he did it now than later. I do not think I could survive the later.

He looked at me, faintly smiling as if he approved of my defiance. "Amagiri will take care of them," Kazama said, his gaze slid to the lamp between us for a brief moment, dropping my gaze. His expression became thoughtful, as if he was remembering something good. "He's the one who actually have feelings for her."

My jaw dropped. For some reason this seemed to be the expression he was looking for. As soon as he saw it Kazama seemed to finally allow himself to relax. At last, he gave me one of his lazy, charmed smiles. It was the same one he wore whenever I did something especially amusing that somehow entertained him in some bizarre way. He leaned over, and with his long, elegant finger pushed my chin up and closed my mouth for me. "Careful, you don't want a fly to get caught in there," he said with a white and dangerous smile. His eyes were red and gold in the lamp light. In them I saw fire and heat and... promises.

"B-But I thought," I started, feeling his fingers trace my lips in that distracting way that made me glad I was sitting down. If I had been standing, I probably would have quite gracelessly collapsed on my floor. "I- I thought you wouldn't want me. I- I'm tainted." I whispered the last, painful word out.

Kazama frowned at me and his hand stopped but he didn't pull away. "If we were to have children," he said. "They will not be able to carry my name. It's true that you have been infected with fury blood... your brother made sure of that. However, you are also the last of the Yukimuras and you are here, where I have heard that the waters of your home may purify that taint." Something in his eyes was suddenly a different type of dangerous even though his words remained calm and logical. I was certain then that he wished he had been the one to kill Kaoru, despite how he allowed it to end. "Since," he added casually, letting the moment go, "the Yukimura clan cannot afford to be as picky as my own, we will see." Sen must have told him about Kodo's research then. It might be true what Kodo had speculated at the end of his days, for I have not felt any side-effects. Much of it may also have been due to Kaoru using Kodo's perfected Water of Life formula. My brother had also infected me with his blood instead of the drink itself and that may have diluted it further. Even still, Kazama and I both knew that it would be a gamble for me to carry the bloodline forward after what Kaoru did.

I had consigned myself to remain alone till the end of my life because of this.

To have Kazama show up and be the one to suggest the possibility of children was a shock. Yet, here he was, ready to take that risk. Asking me to take the risk... even though if things were to go wrong it could destroy us in ways we could not even imagine now. I did not doubt for a second what Kazama would do if our children were born as monstrous and as uncontrollable as Sanan had been when he had first made his own version of Kodo's experiment. Knowing this, it was unlike Kazama to take such a risk. Or perhaps, it was because I had never dared to truly examine the depth of what he might have felt for me to have considered this moment possible.

I stared at him, searching for the thoughts he did not share and finding instead all the things about him that I had forced myself to forget.

Yes, he had done all the duties that obligated him to stay away from me, but there was this one thing left that neither of us could change. While the chance of a disaster was unlikely, its possibility was still there. But, if this was what he really wanted...

"I'm not your responsibility anymore, Chikage," I said to him as coldly as I could and straightened, trying to pull away again and failing miserably.

No! Asking him to stay was too much. I knew this when I had said my goodbyes the night Kaoru died. No matter what I wanted, I had to give him one last out, even if what I really should have done was ask him to leave. Unlikely as it was, letting him stay was the same as allowing myself to hurt him as none have done before, something I could never condone. After all, I would not be the one to kill our children if they were born as monsters. This even I could not do in the name of duty. If he stayed, that was what I would be asking of him. It was so much more selfish and cruel to let him do what he was suggesting then denying myself what he offered. Yet, even knowing this, the lump in my throat grew as he became more real and in-reach with each passing moment... and I could not form the necessary words to send him away.

"I have released you of all your promises to me. You don't have to do this. Would it not be better if you found another female demon who could be your wife and give you the children you desire? Someone who would be able to let you stay with your clan?" My voice shook and I had to stop. I wanted and needed to add, "Someone who would, for certain, not give birth to furies," but I could not even form the words. This was as much as I could manage, even though so much more were needed to keep him safe. Those unspoken things sat like grounded glass on my tongue. I could neither swallow them nor spit them out even though the pain and my love demanded that I open my mouth and let it go.

Let him go... all over again.

It should be my duty to do this for him, I thought. He had done so much for me and, with each quiet, thoughtful action he had become more and more important to me. A red sash, how childish and laughable I had been to think it could have amounted to anything close to a thank-you. This was the one thing I could repay him with, but I could only tremble at the idea and remain mute with fear.

Was it so long ago that I had wanted him to leave? Why was it so easy to wrap his presence around me and long for more?

Kazama studied me in the lamp light. He didn't look bothered by my words or my actions. In fact, he wore the same expression he had when an army of furies got in his way. "You really didn't understand me when I told you female demons are rare, did you?"

I had met Sen and Kimigiku. Didn't they count? If I had the luck of running into two female demons when I didn't even know my own lineage what was so difficult with finding one more? Even Kimigiku, who was beautiful and untainted, would suit Kazama better than me. I had nothing to offer him except the possibility for more painful decisions down the road, unlikely but still a possibility. No. I couldn't do this to him. I loved him too much, more than the selfish voice in my head telling me to grab onto this chance. I loved him more than the fear of being alone and that soundless emptiness that came from the thought of losing him. Steeling myself against my own emotions, I gathered my courage and all the love I felt for him into my heart. Finally, I faced him and said all of the things I had held back to save myself. I looked back and dared him to deny my words, needing him to let me go.

I cannot make you happy, I thought, but I did not cry over it. For him, I will not cry.

When I was done, he was quiet. I felt the fear inch in as the silence stretched and it swamped me again, blotting out the strength I'd clung to. It was done. He would finally see reason now. This time I lowered my eyes because I did not want him to see me weaken. Instead, I held myself tightly against the dull pangs inside of me, knowing it would only grow. I will not cry, I chanted to myself over and over, trying to not feel lost. I had done it with a smile before, I had been brave before... surely I could do it all again. Yet, a small voice came instead of me and promised that, only when Kazama was gone would I let the tears fall.

Only then...

I tried to think of a song, I tried to remember the peaceful days of cloud-watching and flowers waving in the wind... but all I could feel in those memories was the absence of Kazama's presence. I had done what was right, what is right. This was what had made him like me from the start, but no... I had never been able to like myself for it. Duty was a harsh and bitter pill to swallow, no matter how many times I did it. And love had never given me anything but pain and loneliness. Kodo. Kaoru. The Shinsengumi. And now Kazama...

Loving them had only allowed me to make the choices that I wouldn't have been able to without it. So why did I cling to this feeling that never gave me joy? Why did I allow it, again and again, to make me do the things I wanted least?

In that pain-filled world, I heard him over memories, sadness and heartbreak. "Even if there were as many female demons as there are female humans, I would still be here, Chizuru." His voice was so deep and so strong that I was pulled from the pit of darkness I had cast myself into. Without asking he once again reached for me, gathering me into his lap and anchoring me to him. I finally looked into those eyes again, eyes that could set me on fire and damn us both. He had thought it through, I realized then as I met the full intensity of his gaze. He allowed me to say the things I said because he wanted to make sure I understood as well. In the end, this decision could utterly break us both but he knew this too. He had wanted to see if I would turn my face away from the reality of it. I had not and perhaps that was why he had come back for me, because he knew I would never turn my face away from the reality of my decisions, no matter how much they hurt me.

This time, I was unable to deny the emotions I saw in his eyes. He would do this for me, even if I ended up hating him for it for a million years. The feelings he showed me by fire and moonlight now would not change for him no matter what was required of the both of us. Of all the people left in my world, he was the only one who could ever truly understand what was asked of him in this moment. He was the only one who understood the weight of this decision. He looked at the truth of that future with me unflinchingly; willingly grasping my hand and going forward. This was why he was here, despite everything it may cost him in the future. In the end, I could never turn from him when he had made such a choice, when he was willing to sacrifice so much just to be here beside me.

I am not impervious. I am not that strong. I was always just a little bit desperate and a little bit hopeful.

Suddenly, I wanted to laugh.

I wanted to laugh at the heart that had dared to doubt his resolve. I wanted to laugh at the woman who was not sure if he had thought things through. I wanted to laugh at the girl, waking up inside of me from being in his presence, the one I had to discard in his absence for the pain she caused me. She was back now, carrying with her the same fears and tears, the same hopes and joys, and holding so much more love than before that I could barely recognize her - myself. This may soon turn into a future full of bitterness and sadness, but I had learned that this one perfect moment now was worth it. Kodo, the Shinsengumi, and then Kaoru had taught me that this happiness was fleeting. Under the cold moonlit nights and with blades seeking valor and lost honor, they had shown me the way with both their successes and failures. Their parting was a pain so great that I had felt the weight of it ready to crush me. Yet, I had also spent time in their presence, when they had been warm and alive, full of love for me and dreams for the future. I had known them in many of their facets, some of which no one will remember them for, and I would not have traded even one of those moments for the absence of this pain living inside of me now.

I wanted Chikage.

Since I had finally come to know him after I had finally come to know myself. I could not reject him. Not after this offer, when he looked at me with such clear eyes and with such warmth. At the end of the journey I had walked, it was always him I had wanted to share the last of my days with. Even though I had tried to forget him, even though our memories and the dream we had once shared had been too painful to ever hold for long in the aftermath, this was the one truth I could never deny.

I had accepted that I could never have him. This was the price of the choices I made, necessary as they had been. Yet, here he was, ready to prove me wrong again in the things I thought I knew.

Gently, this time, he was the one to let go of my gaze, but it was only so that he could truly press me to him. He had read me as easily as he would any book, and he nuzzled my neck as he tightened his grasp on me, sure of his victory. I smiled, knowing that this victory was also my own. I had seen in that brief moment of silence, while he had looked for my reaction, the same vulnerable uncertainty flit across his visage. He had allowed me to read him in return. He wanted me to know that I was not the only one who feared to let go of this dream.

And I would never be again.

I held dazedly still in his strong arms and felt his hot breath warm me. He held me to his solid, heated body, until all I could feel was him. He was so real, and no longer just an impossible wish. In that moment, slowly and just as gently, I began to allow myself to forget how to deny him of anything.

"Chikage?" I murmured dreamily, my heart beating like it would burst.

Was that really my voice?

"Hm?" he answered, nipping my jaw and rumbling approvingly at my gasp as my fingers tightened on his arms.

"D-does this really mean... forever?" I asked breathlessly. So fragile was I at that moment that words could have shattered me.

He pulled back his smooth, elegant hand to gently caress the skin beneath my wide-eyed stare. His other hand moved down to my waist to firmly hold me close. "Yes, Chizuru," he answered as his forehead touched my own. "Forever," he promised, his words rumbling through me from the chest I was pressed against. The tone he used was the same indulgent one he had employed at Ezo, after he had kissed me for the first time underneath a pale, cold sky.

We had both changed since then, but this has not...

I felt the last of my tension leave me then. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to be happy. I gazed up at him as my body finally relaxed into his. Yes, I thought as I smiled up at him from the heart I had denied since I had found out I was a fury. Here was the place I had been searching for since before I could remember. I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, love spilling out of me then in happy, salty trails. Yes, I admitted to myself as he kissed away my tears. How could I have forgotten?

Chikage had always been strong enough to be the type who kept his word.

The End