Chapter 4 :

Unbearable thoughts :

The next day after staying up all night trying to make a decision regarding Maura's request Jane drove to the hospital to see her hoping they would be able to talk.

What people always say about Detective Jane Rizzoli is that she's fearless, courageous and smart but also incorruptible and the thought of letting a cold blooded killer go free was unbearable for the "cop part" of her. Luckily for Maura what people seemed to forget was that Jane was also a human being, a woman who would cut herself in pieces to help, protect or even save the people she loved.

Love, strange concept. Jane loved her parents, her brothers, she even loved Frost and Korsak and would have given her life for them, but what she felt for Maura was another kind of love. It was the kind of love that made her kill Hoyt with her bare hands when he threatened Maura's life. It was the kind of love that would make her go the hell and back , the kind of love who would make her risk everything including her career and possibly her life to make Maura forgive her. Yes as important as being a cop and living by those moral values that made her the Detective she was today Jane was, more than anything else Maura's friend and she knew that to bring that friendship back to where it used to be she needed to make that sacrifice.

So that morning Jane arrive at Doyle's room around 9 am and watched Maura sitting there by his side holding his hand her eyes lost in space.

"May I come in?"Jane shyly asked as she knocked on the door.

Without a look at Jane Maura nodded allowing her to step into her biological father's bedroom hoping she was baring good news.

"How is he?"Almost whispering Jane sat on the chair next to Maura expecting her to yell at her forbidding her to sit on her mother's chair.

"He's still in a deep coma. Have you made your decision?"Without a look at Jane Maura continued to hold Doyle's hand, gently rubbing the top with her finger's tip hoping he would suddenly squeeze her hand.

"Yes I have."Jane paused taking a deep breath. "You know I would do anything to fix what I did, to fix us, God I would do anything for you, you know that."

"I thought I did, I guess I was wrong."Maura chuckled seeing the irony in Jane's comment : Jane would have done anything for her and she ended up taking everything away from her.

"No you weren't. If you're sure about what you asked me I will do it, no matter what it might cost me but first we need to talk about what happened." Saying those words Jane knew she was taking the risk of being misunderstood by Maura and she might think that she was only going to help her with Doyle if listened to what she had to say.

"Why?Either you choose to access to my demand or not, it's very simple Jane."Her voice slightly more confident Maura could barely believe that Jane would impose her own conditions regarding the execution of the task she had asked her to perform for her.

"No, it's not. I know that allowing Doyle to leave this hospital as a free man and going against everything I believe in will prove to you how sorry I am but what happens after he's free Maura?" Expecting the worse Jane knew and had accepted that helping Doyle escape the hospital might not lead to a reconciliation but knew it would at least prove to Maura that her heart was pure and her intentions noble.

"I don't know. I haven't considered it." The truth was that Maura had asked Jane to make sure Doyle would come out of this hospital as a free man as a way to test her loyalty and to measure the true extend of her guilt but she never considered what would happen afterwards. Actually Maura never considered forgiving Jane or giving her another chance. All she wanted was to see Doyle free as a thank you for saving her life but she didn't know if feeling Jane's loyalty would reduce her pain or not.

"Do you want to rebuild our relationship?Because if you're willing to give me a chance I will work and fight harder than I ever did to regain your trust and your respect and to fix us." As pride and as shy and reluctant Jane was to express her feelings she felt that today wasn't the day to hold back and was determined to crawled at her feet and beg for forgiveness if that's what Maura wanted.

"I don't think we or the way I feel can be fixed Jane."Feeling her heart broke into pieces Maura realized that not only she didn't trust Jane anymore but she had lost all the respect and admiration that made her feelings for her so intense.

"Let me try please, just tell me how you feel."Slightly moving her hand towards Maura's her voice was shaking, full of desperation and guilt.

"You want to know how I feel?I feel betrayed, I feel stupid, I feel alone. You know I never had a real friend or someone I could really trust. You know I always felt abandoned, by my birth and also adoptive parents and that trusting and feeling safe were two concepts that were completely estranged to me when we met. Somehow I started to trust you, to confide in you in a way I never did before. I let you see parts of me that I barely dared to look at myself. I trusted you Jane and you betrayed me and for what or for who? A man you met tree times all together." Clenching her left hand around the sheet of Doyle's bed breathing heavily Maura started to feel the anger and resentment rising in her and knew that Jane was about to have the explanations she came here for.

"I know and I wish I could tell you that shooting Doyle was a reflex but I can't. I suppose seeing Dean on the ground wounded triggered something in me. I realized my mistake as soon as I pressed the trigger. I realized that I had killed your father for a man that I barely know and who actually shot first when it was clear Doyle wasn't going to shoot any of us."Closing her eyes trying to hold the tears Jane was, for the millionth time relieving the moment where her life changed. She remembered Doyle shooting the man who was threatening his daughter and him lowering his gun until Dean shot him in the stomach. She remembered quickly looking at her left and seeing Dean fall on the ground pointing her gun at Doyle and hearing Maura begged "NO!" but pressing the trigger afterwards. For one second afterwards Jane felt the earth had stopped spinning and the time for her to realized what she had done Doyle was one the floor and Maura was on top of him. She remembered regretting shooting him immediately and running towards them leaving Dean bleeding on the floor, almost forgetting he was even there. But what Jane remembered the most was the hatred in her friend's eyes as she forbid her to touch him as she tried to place her jacket under his head. In one split second Jane had lost the most important relationship in her entire life and for who?A man she had met 3 times in her life.

"Was he that good in bed? Was your night with him worth loosing me?"Maura asked finally looking Jane straight in the eyes.

"No, nothing is worth loosing you Maura. God how could I have been so stupid?He used me to get to Doyle!It took me a while to see it or maybe I was blinding by my feelings for him but things are really clear now and trust me he's going to pay for what he did once he wakes up."Her fists clench her jaw tensed Jane felt betrayed as well. During the past ten days she had replayed those few days in her head : how Dean suddenly showed up at the same time as Doyle, how he suddenly tried to seduce her after months without a phone call, how he arrived at the crime scene. Not only Dean had broke Jane's trust by going after Doyle after promising her not too but he also broke her trust by using her to get to him and he was going to pay for that.

"Do you have any idea what I have sacrificed for you?I…Ian he…he asked me to go to Africa with him but I didn't. I stayed for you, because being away from him possibly for ever was less painful than the thought of being away from you and because I didn't want to cause you any pain."Unleashing those words almost against her will Maura was finally able to vocalise what she had been keeping inside for so long, all the sacrifices she had made for Jane, out of loyalty and love without ever pointing it out to her.

"I didn't know he asked you to go with him. I don't know what to say…"The truth was Jane was relieved when Maura told her Ian was going back to Africa for good and that she wasn't willing to go with him but never suspected that he actually asked her to.

"What about Tommy?You know he and I appreciated each other very much but I refused to engage in a relationship with him because I knew it would have hurt you deeply and I didn't want to do anything to compromise our relationship. I have sacrificed what were probably my last two chances of happiness because I didn't want to loose you. What about you Jane?What have you sacrificed for me?"Feeling her heart hammering her chest Maura realized how stupid she has been all those years, sacrificing her own happiness for a woman who didn't even flinch before shooting her father.

"Nothing…yet. I know how much you loved Ian and how hard it was for you to let him go but I never thought you did it for me. I always thought that you didn't want to leave your career, your family and friends to live the life of a fugitive. Now that I realize what your true reasons were and I'm sincerely sorry. As for Tommy, I told you I didn't want to step in the way of a great romance so if you want to be with him please do so."

"It's too late Jane. God sometimes I feel you don't want me to be happy, that you want to keep me all to yourself."Maura said suddenly standing up cupping her face with both her hands.

"That's not true! I want you to be happy. Ian and Tommy weren't good enough for you, that's why I intervened but…."

"Who do you think you are to tell me who is good enough for me or not?"Rising her voice Maura had had enough of Jane's attitude and stubbornness, she had ruined her life and her chances of happiness and wasn't even going to admit it.

"They are criminals Maura!Ian is wanted by interpol and Tommy well he is a screw up and will never change you deserve better."Taking a step towards Maura trying to reach out to her arm Jane could see how Maura's decisions had affected her and started to feel that her intervention might have been inappropriate but she could have never let Maura be with two men who would have ended up hurting her.

"I'm a grown woman Jane and I'm perfectly capable of determining who's good enough for me. At first your protectiveness didn't bother me. Actually it flattered me to imagine that you loved me so much that you wanted to make sure no one could hurt me and that the thought of me being with a man made you so mad that you could have done anything to keep me from them. Now I understand that your attitude had nothing to do with love and protectiveness but with pride and ownership . I'm not an object Jane. I do not belong to you."Pushing Jane's hand away Maura was over the edge and on top on feeling betrayed felt truly abused and imprisoned by her best friend. She had missed on so much happiness just to keep Jane from being mad at her remembering how hurt and angry she had been when she found out Tommy had tried to kiss her but she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't take feeling trapped even abused in this relationship.

"Is that what how you truly feel Maura?Do you really think I sabotaged your relationships because I was jealous? Because I wanted to keep you all to myself?"Jane didn't need Maura to answer those questions. The look on her friend's face, the pain and sorrow in her voice and knowing that even under pressure Maura could never lie were enough to convince her she was indeed very sincere.

"Maybe not consciously but yes and I think you saw Doyle as threat as well and that's why you shot him, to keep him away from me and to have revenge for your toy boy too."

"No…Oh God Maura, this is so fucked up."Taking a step back her hand on her forehead Jane was suddenly faced with the atrocity of what she had done and what she had become.

"Now you understand why fixing us isn't that easy Jane. This is not only about you shooting Doyle it's much more deeper than that."Seeing the look on Jane's face Maura suddenly realized that Jane actually had no idea of how abusing and controlling and jealous she had been acted all those years and it somehow pained her. For the most part Jane had been the most loyal friend she ever had, the only friend she ever had but she was full of insecurities which sometimes made her act strangely. Seeing the horror in her friend's eyes as she realized how she had behaved in the past Maura realized that she might have gone too far, that she had described Jane as an abusive monster she wasn't but she couldn't help feeling that way. Actually, she had been feeling that way for a while but never brought it up because Jane had always been more good than bad to her, she had killed Hoyt to save her after all. Unfortunately seeing her shot her father had sent her over the edge and might had amplified her feelings and right now sparing her was the last of her concerns.

"Oh God, I think you're right. I think that I was so unsecured about us that I subconsciously sabotaged every relationship you ever had…What have I done?"Storming out of Doyle's room Jane realized that Maura was right. The simple idea of Maura in bed with Ian or Tommy or any other man for that matter was so unbearable for her that she would have done anything to keep her away from them. She had always justified her actions but saying that they didn't deserve her but the truth was that no man on earth would even be good enough for Maura because being with her meant taking her away from her and that alone constituted a mortal crime in her mind.

I know guys, Why so much angst?Well at first I wanted Maura to think that Jane shot Doyle out of revenge for shooting Dean . Then I started thinking about Jane sabotaging every single relationship she ever had including the one she kinda had with Doyle. Obviously Jane didn't shoot him on purpose thinking it would help her keep Maura to herself but maybe subconsciously she did didn't want to loose her to him?Does that make sense to any of you? Do you think Jane sabotages Maura's relationships to keep her all to herself?(which is what I truly believe)and do you think that shooting Doyle was just her possessiveness pushed to the extreme? God I feel exhausted after writing this!I just started this chapter and didn't stop until it was over and it was intense to write!

As always feedback is always welcome, especially since I'm writing about something that actually happened on the show and I think we all have a different view on that finale right?