Alright guys, this is by far the most important chapter of this story!It's up to you to tell me if I should continue or stop right here!
Chapter 5 :
Confessions :
Standing in the middle of Doyle's room wiping the tears off her face trying to compose herself Maura was relieved. After years of allowing Jane to influence if not control her life she finally felt free of her grip.
What Maura didn't know was that Constance had heard every single bit of her conversation with Jane and was standing in hallway next to the door. Standing there listening to her daughter unleash her feelings that she seemed to have kept inside for so many years Constance realized that there was so much she didn't know about her daughter, especially regarding her relationship with Jane.
Listening to Maura express her frustration and that feeling she had that Jane has been voluntarily sabotaging her romantic relationships Constance understood that all that drama wasn't about Jane shooting Doyle at all, that it was more about something that Maura has kept inside of her for many years.
Seeing both women fighting to find a way towards each other Constance suddenly made it a personal mission to help them communicate and have the courage to face and express their true feelings.
"Maura dear, are you alright?"Constance asked taking a step in the room closing the door behind her.
"No mother, I'm not and I do not wish to talk about it."Maura replied turning her back on her mother. As much as she loved her and appreciated the genuine concern she was expressing Maura was not willing to discuss her argument with Jane with her.
"Then you will listen to me. I couldn't help but hearing your conversation with Jane and to the risk of making you hate me more for taking Jane's side again you went too far this time."Walking towards her daughter Constance was determined to help her even against her will.
Jane was the first person to confront her about neglecting Maura and thanks to her Constance had realized her mistakes and has been trying to rebuild her relationship with Maura even since and the least she could do was to return the favor.
During the past few years Constance had listened to Maura talk about Jane and always knew the special place she had in her heart but after hearing their conversation she realized how special that place was and was determined to do everything in her power to bring them back together.
"I know."Maura sighed as she reached for the chair behind her feeling her legs abandoning her.
"Good. I understand that you're hurt and that you might feel that Jane sabotaged your relationships with Ian and Tommy but I know you Maura, you're as stubborn as your father and no one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. If you truly wanted to be with them you would be. I think you would have found a way to comfort Jane and to reassure her about your feelings so she wouldn't feel that she was loosing you."Readjusting her voice Constance knew that Maura was as stubborn as her father and that pushing her in a corner wasn't the most effective way to help her.
"You're right mother. I allowed her to come between me and the men I was seeing ."
"Yes, because deep down you knew that none of them was meant for you. So you're going to let Patrick with me and go to apologize to Jane."
"For what?She betrayed me!"Maura hissed her eyes wide opened unable to believe how her mother could dare ask her such a thing.
"I know she did but we both know why you are so hurt by her betrayal."Hinting towards what she really wanted to say Constance was giving the chance to Maura to admit her true feelings herself knowing that it would be far more effective than being confronted with the truth.
"Yes, Jane was my best friend and I trusted her."Narrowing her eyebrows, Maura as smart as she was couldn't see where her mother was going with her line of questioning.
"Maura, please I wasn't born yesterday. The two of you look at each other the way your father and I do. I think it's time for you to face those feelings otherwise you might loose the best thing that ever happened to you."Her hand covering Maura's, her voice low and warm Constance wanted to make it very clear to her daughter that being a lesbian was okay and that she supported her.
Actually Constance always suspected that the two of them were a bit more than best friends but it was only when she met Jane and saw how protective she was that her suspicions turned into a certitude. After Jane confronted her Constance had tried her best to visit and call more often and had started paying more attention to Maura's relationship with Jane, to the way Maura constantly talked about Jane with stars in her eyes and a smile she had never seen her wear before.
Unfortunately not knowing if Maura was comfortable with her feelings Constance chose not to confront her until now. Unfortunately desperate times called desperate measures and she felt she couldn't remain mute and watch the two women destroy what they had.
"Mother! I'm not…"Almost choking on her saliva Maura could not believe that her mother could make such insinuation. The fact that it was true was not relevant. What mattered was Maura never thought her mother would dare step in her personal life like that and as shocked as she was after being neglected most of her life feeling her mother invested like this felt good.
"Be careful darling, remember lying makes you hyperventilate ."Seeing her daughter's reaction Constance now knew that her suspicions were indeed correct.
"Alright. Yes mother, I'm in love with Jane and you're right, I accepted her attitude because I knew that none of those men were right for me and because I was hoping she would come forward with her feelings but she never did."Finally admitting her feelings for Jane and voicing them out loud Maura was relieved. For years she has been denying those feelings trying to convince herself that there were just an illusion, that she was just mistaking profound and true friendship with love because she never had a best friend before. Hearing Constance telling her that she could see the love between them as well was a relief and somehow helped convince herself that she wasn't imaging her feelings.
"Why would she be the one coming forward first?You're a very articulate woman Maura. If you think that those feelings go both ways and for what it's worth I personally they do, then you should talk to her and tell her how you feel."
"I did. After what happened with Tommy I told her that I liked him a lot but that I loved her and that I didn't want to compromise our friendship."Saying those words Maura remembered standing in front of Jane in her apartment relieved that what happened with Tommy hadn't compromised their friendship. She remembered saying the words she had been keeping inside of her for so long hoping that Jane would say them back but she didn't.
"What did she say?"
"She said " Good, cause I hate it when I have to hate you." I think she didn't understand the true meaning of those words otherwise she would have said it back or she would have said that she didn't shared my feelings."
"Oh Maura, for someone as brilliant as yourself you're naive. Of course she understood exactly what those tree words meant but maybe she wasn't ready to say them back. " As confident as Maura usually was Constance knew that she was often putting herself down when it came to her personal and social skills and it was breaking her heart that she could think that Jane didn't fell the same.
"Well, none of that matter now. What we had is…broken probably beyond repair."
"It's only broken if you decide it is Maura. If you want to fix your relationship and once you're both ready take it to the next level just go see her and tell her how you feel. You have nothing to loose by doing so but if you stay here, resenting her for betraying you not only the hatred is going to consume you but you're going to spend the rest of your live beating yourself up and wondering what your life could have been if you had told her how you felt."
"You think I don't know that?God…it's only been ten days since it happened and I already feel that I'm drawing. You're right the hatred is eating me alive not to mention I miss her so much…I'm…I'm here praying for Doyle to survive his injuries because I want him to tell me who my biological mother is and somehow I feel terribly guilty and conflicted about it . If Jane were here she would know what to say to make me feel better. She would probably tell me that even if he's a murderer that he loves me and that he always looked out for me and that I can not deny that we share a bond and that there is nothing wrong in wishing him to stay alive."
"I know how you feel. I often felt guilty for keeping you from discovering who your biological parents were. I always knew that it was what was best for you, that it was the only way to keep you safe but hearing it from your father's mouth made it easier to believe."The more she listened to Maura describe her relationship with Jane the more Constance was amazed by how similar it was to the one she shared with her husband. The bond they shared, the complete devotion and trust they showed to each other and this unconditional that nothing could hurt was rare but it demanded care and attention and she was hoping that the two women could find a way to each other.
"I know she just… she makes me feel safe. I never felt that way before. She's the first person who loves me for who I am and who doesn't judge me on my look, my money or my smart talk. She doesn't try to change me but she certainly helped me grow as a woman and as a Doctor. I was lost before I met her, I was struggling to find my place in this world and to figure out who I was. Now thanks to her I know exactly where I belong and to who I belong it's all thanks to her."Saying those words out loud for the first time Maura's heart suddenly filled up with hope and joy. Constance was right : no matter what happend with Dean or Doyle what they shared was strong and she was hoping that they could survive this the way they survived Hoyt multiple times or Jane shooting herself.
"Then go. I promise I will call you if anything changes with Patrick, but please do not waste another minute."
"Thank you mother."Rushing in her mother's arms her self esteem boosted Maura was now confident enough to confront Jane and try to put an end to this madness.
At the other side of town Jane who was still under investigation by internal affairs was sitting on her couch, Joe Friday on her lap, replaying her last conversation with Maura in her head terrified because all Maura said is indeed true. Hearing Maura's words over and again Jane had to face the reality : She did sabotaged her relationship with Tommy and Ian but not out of malice but because she truly believe that none of them were good enough for her. Unlike Maura Jane was still not ready to face the truth reasons behind her actions. Luckily for her Maura was on her way determined to show her the way, to allow her to freely express her feelings.
After a couple of hours driving herself insane Jane finally stood up and walked towards her bathroom hoping that a cold shower would help her.
Dragging herself towards the bathroom followed by Joe Friday Jane was stopped by someone knocking on her door. Stepping back towards the door cursing Jane was convinced it was her mother coming to once again check on her.
Standing behind Jane's door Maura was trying to breath and relax knowing this was probably going to be the most important conversation she would have with Jane. She knew that Jane would probably refuse to confess her feelings at first and that she would have to gently push her and reassure her on the nature of her own feelings.
"Maura, what are you doing here?"Jane mumbled as she opened the door only to find Maura standing in front of her, smiling.
"May I come in?"A big smile on her face and her heart hammering her chest Maura was confident but also a bit nervous thinking about the last time she was here the previous day.
"Sure sure, forgive the mess."Jane replied opening the door wider allowing Maura to step in her appartement.
"It's alright.I came to apologize." Maura said walking towards Jane's couch.
"Really?"
"Yes. What I said about you sabotaging my relationships with Ian and Tommy wasn't 100 % accurate."Sitting on Jane's couch taking breath the usually over prepared Dr Isles had no idea how to lead this conversation and somehow knew that what Jane needed was her to speak from her heart not recite a well rehearsed speech.
"No it was…I realize it now but you need to know that I never done anything out of malice. I actually never saw it as being sabotage. I was only trying to protect you from getting hurt by dating men who in my opinion weren't good enough for you. I'm sorry that it came out as sabotage."Settling next to Maura Jane had a millions things to tell her and knew by the relaxed smile on Maura's face that she was finally given the opportunity to do so.
"Let me finish. I do believe that you tried to sabotage my relationships with them but not out of malice but because you felt threatened and unsecured. I also now realize that I allowed you to do so. You might be my best friend and you might have a strong influence on me but I do no let anyone dictate my behavior. If I had wanted to be with Tommy or Ian I would have been. I would have found a way to reassure you about our relationship so you would not have felt left apart."
"I don't understand if you didn't go trough with them because of me why aren't you with them?"Jane frowned.
"Because none of the men I have dated since we met could compete with you, none of them could make me feel safe or beautiful or even laugh the way you do. None of them were you Jane."Slowly moving her hand toward Jane's knee Maura could barely breath. She hadn't said the actual words yet but her statement was pretty clear and sitting there waiting Jane's reaction was almost too much to bare.
"I don't know what to say."Avoiding eye contact looking at the floor Jane understood Maura's words perfectly this time but didn't know what to say or do.
"Don't say anything. I over reacted and what I asked you was out of line. I could never ask you to put your life and your career in danger for me. "Maura replied squeezing Jane's hand changing the subject voluntarily seeing how uncomfortable she was.
"But I would do it in a heart beat."Jane replied suddenly turning her face looking straight into Maura's eyes.
"I know but it would mean going against everything we both of us believe in. I realize now that I asked you to do this as a way of challenging your loyalty and I was out of line."
"No you weren't. I know that you love him and that he's the only one who can tell you who your birth mom is and that I probably ruined the last chance you had of finding where you come from."
"First of all, even if it took me a while to understand it I'm an Isles. My parents are the one who adopted and who love me. Second of all, if Doyle survives and I wish to talk about my biological mother we can do that while he's paying his debt in jail. Doyle might have risked his life for me and might have spent the past 35 years watching over me he's still a murderer and deserves to be in jail for the rest of his life. "
"Alright…"Shrugging her shoulders Jane couldn't believe that Maura was actually admitting her mistake and was so calm. Jane knew how important Doyle was for her and she couldn't understand why she would all the sudden accept the fact that she might never know who her biological mother is.
"God Jane…Sometimes I hate you for making me love you so much that I can barely breath. I just…"Finally free of all the resentment that has been building up for the past ten days all was left in Maura's heart was her love for Jane , love that was begging to be freed along with the resentment.
"Come on Maura' just breath. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."Jane smiled cupping Maura's face with her right hand scared that she might collapsed in the middle of her living room.
"I know you're not but I feel it's too late for us Jane…This has gone way too far to be fixable."
"No, we can fix it. I can fix us if you give me a chance."Almost begging Jane refused to believe that Maura had came to her place to apologize and confess her feelings to her just to quit that easily.
"Do you love me Jane?"
"I told you yesterday, yes I do love you, very much."
"No, that's not what I meant Jane. When I told you that I liked tommy a lot but that I loved you I meant that I'm in love with you Jane, the way my mother is in love with my father."Allowing the words to slip out of her mouth Maura was now putting the fate of their relationship in Jane's hand. She had done her part and was now expecting Jane to do the same.
"I know and that's why I didn't say it back that night."
"Don't love me back?"
"Of course I do Maura. God how can ask you ask me that?Of course I'm in love with you. I have always been in love with you but I wasn't ready to say it back because I wasn't ready to face the consequences of such confession."
"Are you ready now?"
" I don't know Maur'. I just…I'm so sorry for everything, I'm sorry for sleeping with Dean, for shooting Doyle. I'm sorry for everything."
"My mother was in a deep coma after someone ran us over and you were having sex with Dean…I really hope you're sorry."
"I know, don't you think I don't feel guilty?God I remember waking up the next morning and immediately pushing him away telling him I needed to check on you. I felt and still feel miserable for sleeping with him instead of being at the hospital with you and also I felt that I was betraying my feelings for you by sleeping with him."
"Why did you sleep with him if you're in love with him?"
"Because despite hearing you telling me you loved me and loving you back I never thought and still don't believe that I have what it takes to make you happy. I just wanted to burry my feelings deep down and forget about them."
"It's the same reason why I slept with Ian...Oh Jane I can't live like this anymore."Letting a deep and long sigh out, resting her head on Jane's shoulder Maura was breaking down. All the mistakes both of them had made to forget their feelings had failed and because of those mistakes they almost lost each other and she couldn't live like this anymore.
"Me neither sweetie, me neither."Jane replied kissing the top of Maura's head.
Holding each other in silence both women were exhausted physically and emotionally. What they had been doing to themselves and to each other because they were scared of facing their feelings was eating them alive and none of them could live like this anymore.
Obviously the two women knew that after falling that deep confessing their feelings to each other wouldn't be enough to rebuild their relationships and that they were a millions miles away from being ready to engage in a romantic relationship.
Luckily both women finally felt free and confident enough to share their feelings and to finally do something about them, hoping that despite everything that had happened their relationship wasn't broken beyond repair.
So guys, after reading your reviews on last chapter I realize that I went a bit too far.
I hope you don't think that Maura and Jane didn't confess their feelings before. Don't worry they're still a million miles from being a couple. They're still hurt and need to rebuild the trust and their friendship before even considering dating.
I think Constance was right to push Maura because she knew that she was hurt more by the fact that Jane choose Dean over her and slept with him than the actual fact of shooting him.
I hoep you manage to follow me on this, cause this story is a bit all over the place lol!
PS: As most of you know I decided to start writing my own novel and I decided to start a new blog that will be like a testimony of this journey :) Link on my profile!