N/A Here it is! Chapter 4! I know it took me a long time, but i needed to focus on finding a beta! I also revamped the previous chapter's and they read soo much smoother thanks to maddymomo, my beta reader. She's amazing! You'll have her to thank for this chapter getting up quickly! She edited all of them today so i could get chapter 4 up! Now that i have a Beta i can get chapter's up quicker and it wont take so long. Anyway this is my favorite, so tell me what you think. I love the feedback, good or bad :)
Hermione was laying in the Dungeon of Malfoy Manor, waiting for her captors to come and retrieve her for more interrogation. She felt terrified, wondering what they had in store for her this time.
She felt a painful twinge on her right arm and she turned to watch as her arm dripped with blood and a puddle formed on the cold concrete floor. She tried to cover her body by rolling into ball and crossed her arms over her chest, but it didn't help, and she felt embarrassed as she lay battered, naked, and helpless.
She heard someone open the cellar door and heavy footsteps echoed throughout the room, Hermione felt panic and bile rise in her throat as the beady black eyes and the greasy brown hair of Greyback greeted her. She felt panic roll off of her in waves and almost convulsed with disgust as he edged closer towards her.
She tried to crawl away, her knees aching from the urgency of her hurriedly trying to get to the other side of the room, but he managed to grab her by her ankle and she heard a snap as he pulled her over to him and whispered into her ear, "Where do you think you're going, Mudblood? We were just about to have a little fun." He smiled at her with his sickeningly yellow teeth and sucked on her neck. She let out a whimper as he began to scratch at her already swelling cuts.
She struggled once again, trying to get away, when he settled on top of her. She felt herself reaching and clawing for any possible escape- nails scratching against the concrete floor - but there wasn't one and she felt her eyes tear up helplessly trying to find a way out. She scanned the room over and over again, but he still had his hold and Hermione had no escape. She tried punching, kicking, and yelling, but this only excited Greyback and left Hermione feeling terrified. She always had an answer and the one time she truly needed one, it wasn't there. After what felt like hours of struggle, her body fell limp in exhaustion and defeat. Greyback then smiled at her and in a pleased tone said, "That's a girl. You just relax and we can have a little fun."
She tried to disengage herself from the horrific act, hoping maybe if she didn't concentrate on it, it wouldn't be as terrible, but he kept pulling her back with his gasps of pleasure or him roughly shaking her body with thrusts of excitement and all she could do was lay there and take it. There was no escape, no one to save her.
She wanted to die.
Hermione sat upright in bed, taking deep, labored breathes of pure panic and adrenaline as her eyes darted around the dark room. When she came back to reality, she noticed her bed was soaked in sweat and her clothes stuck uncomfortably to her skin. She didn't even see them coming when the hot tears started falling down her face as she lay in the familiar home of the Weasley's.
She slowly and carefully lay back down, and all she could think about was how vivid the dream was- and how even as she slept, Greyback still frightened her to tears. What scared her more than anything was how it matched up perfectly with the actual event- like she was reliving the traumatic memory, even in her sleep. She knew she would never forget what happened, but having to relive it over and over again terrified her. She felt safer in the Weasley home than anywhere else in the wizarding world, and it upset her immensely that HE had caused her not to feel safe in this home, of all places.
She sat in bed thinking about the petrifying dream and shook violently trying to rid herself of the memory, but it was stuck vividly at the forefront of her mind with no threat to leave her. She had been repeating in her head over and over again since she got to the Burrow to stop thinking about it and pretend it didn't happen, but the dreams and flashbacks came to her so quickly and ferociously that she felt she had little control over it.
When she was at the hospital, they had her taking a Dreamless Sleep potion most of the time, she barely saw anyone, and she felt safe there. The plainness of the walls and the reassuring words of the nurses and Healers left her feeling relaxed. No one was there to remind her of those few nights and ask her what happened except for the moment when her healer recommended that she go to see a mental Healer. But, back at the Burrow, she didn't have the potion, she was forced to act normal- like she really was okay, and she could feel the tension in the air. Especially with Mr. and Mrs. Weasley knowing exactly what had happened - all they did was give her looks of pity and regret. She just wanted to be normal, or at least be treated like she was.
She kept noticing the little creaks and noises of the Burrow and they made her feel uneasy as the darkness played tricks on her vision. She knew that, in the state she was in, she would not be able to get to sleep. She thought it best to take a shower to get her mind off things, so she grabbed her wand and muttered, "Lumos." So that she could make her way through the rooms and long empty hallways of the Burrow. She would have to remember to keep it on when she went to bed, just to make sure no one snuck up on her at night. The shower was not only to relax but to cleanse herself and wash away the dirty feeling that had embedded itself in her skin.
She walked slowly down the hallway and into the bathroom, jumping as the clicking of the lock resonated throughout the quiet room.
She started to take off her clothes, trying not to look at her now unfamiliar body, but she couldn't help catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She moved hesitantly in front of it to get a clearer look at her more tattered self.
What she saw didn't surprise her, though. She looked as terrible as she felt. Her lips were red and scabbed from her biting them so much in anxiety and she had a permanent look of panic plastered on her otherwise delicate face. She noticed her cheeks seemed hollow and her skin looked dull and translucent, probably from her lack of nutrition since she had little to no appetite with the terrifying memories constantly sneaking up on her and leaving her too inattentive to even think about food. Her brown eyes were now emptied of the life that once swam freely through the chocolaty orbs and they seemed sunken in, which only made the cut on her protruding brow line look fretfully worse.
When she went to touch the cut with her hand to examine the feel she noticed the scar again on her arm and for a brief second could almost feel Bellatrix cutting into her skin again. She could smell her rancid breath on her face, and Hermione began to feel her breathing quicken with the memory and she walked away from the mirror as fast as she could. What she saw in that mirror disgusted her; she decided then it would be best to stay away from her reflection for a while.
Hermione rushed into the shower and stepped into the smoldering hot water, allowing her rigid shoulders relax slightly. She began to wash her body, scrubbing until the skin burned, but she still wasn't clean. She tried scratching it off, clawing it off, but it wouldn't work. No, she'd be dirty forever- forever carrying Greyback's filth on her skin. She felt hot tears well up in her eyes and her body shook with inaudible sobs. For a while, she stood there, crying for herself, but then she felt anger well up inside her at her own weakness and began furiously hitting the shower wall with her fist. Hermione was not weak. At least she was that, at one point, but now she felt weak and dramatic. She started hitting her fist against the porcelain again and she felt her knuckles swell up in pain. She kept hitting the wall until she felt completely drained.
Soon, the water became cold and goose bumps rippled across her body. Hermione realized that no matter how many times she washed her skin, she would still feel dirty. So she gave up and concluded she would have to live with being dirty forever as she stepped out of the shower to put her night clothes back on. She walked out of the bathroom, tripping right over someone's sleeping form.
She stood up in panic and found Ron across from the bathroom door, sleeping. He must have heard her in the shower and waited for her to come out. As much as Hermione wished she could have talked to him right then she couldn't. She really had nothing to say to him. She felt gross and didn't want Ron to see her in such a state.
She watched him for a moment before slowly creeping into her room and laying down in bed with her wand a glow. She never fell back asleep that night, but lay there recalling every gruesome detail and hating everything about herself-just wanting to feel clean again.
Ron dragged himself into consciousness as the early morning light drifted in from a window to the hallway of the Burrow. He sat up and realized he must have fallen asleep waiting for Hermione. He had been having trouble falling asleep the night before when he heard Hermione crying in the shower. When he decided to sit and wait for her, he heard thump after thump of what he thought was Hermione hitting the wall.
He was worried about her, so he decided that he would wait. She needed him. He knew she did, but here he was waking up in the hallway at the crack of dawn without even a trace of her being around. She must have felt to embarrassed and decided to leave him sleep instead of having a confrontation about why she was punching the wall.
Ron picked himself up from the floor, massaging his sore neck and realizing there was no way he could go to sleep now. He started to walk down the stairs and as he got to the landing of Ginny's room he couldn't help himself and cracked Ginny's door open to check on Hermione.
When he got the door open enough to see her, he realized he must have startled her with the creaking because she popped up in bed and with a sigh of relief said, "Oh, it's just you." It was then that she decided to get out of bed.
He nodded at her, slightly confused, "I just came in to check on you. I heard you up earlier and wanted to make sure you were okay." She nodded curtly but didn't say anything, just continued to get up and move toward the door. She walked right past him and continued down the stairs.
He stood there for a minute, wondering why she was being so cold to him, but decided not to dwell on it. Maybe she needed space after what happened - he could understand that.
After a few seconds of contemplating that in his head, he started to walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. Hermione was seated at the kitchen table by the time he caught up to her, and her arms were crossed with her eyes locked in some unknown place.
She looked up at him, her brown eyes betraying nothing and his blue ones filled with question. She looked back down, "Why are you awake so early?" she said in a near whisper.
"I couldn't sleep." He decided he wouldn't tell her what kept him awake was her crying in the shower- he didn't want to embarrass her. She nodded her head again and fell back into silence.
"Why weren't you asleep?" he said trying to fill the silence.
For a moment, Hermione wanted to pretend like she didn't hear him, but she knew he would repeat the question. She really didn't want to talk to him about why she couldn't really go to sleep either so she shrugged her shoulders at him hoping he wouldn't question her somber attitude. She heard him heave a deep sigh of frustration and sit down at the table. He put his hands out to lay over hers, but she moved away not really wanting to be touched. She was so dirty. She could almost feel Ron's rejection, but being physical, even hand holding made her feel nervous-she couldn't tell him that.
He wouldn't understand, anyway. She thought
"Hermione, please, what's wrong?" concern leaked out of every part of his voice. She didn't even have to look up to know the exact face he was making.
"I don't know Ron. I'm just really tired." Hermione wasn't really talking about the physical tired, but didn't feel like elaborating and just left it at that. They sat in silence for a bit, and Hermione began to bite her lip aggressively. She hated that she couldn't talk to him. She wanted to so badly but just knew that she couldn't. He would never understand and she didn't want pity from him.
Ron didn't want the silence to go on much longer, but he didn't know what to say to her. She wouldn't meet his eyes and he was beginning to worry that maybe she regretted their kiss. It kept plaguing his mind, and he didn't realize at the time that maybe Hermione really didn't want him to kiss her and now she was feeling like he took advantage of her. She seemed fine until they parted for bed and now all the sudden she couldn't even meet his eyes. Maybe he pushed their friendship too far with the kiss or maybe it was too soon after her capture- he wasn't sure.
He had to break the silence though, so in as confident a voice he could muster he said, "Listen, Hermione, about earlier, at the hospital i-if you regret it or anything, I mean we can just pretend it didn't happen…"
Hermione finally snapped out of it and looked up at Ron silently startled. She had completely forgotten that they had kissed, with so much going on since then it had slipped her mind. Not that it didn't mean anything to her, she cared for Ron, she truly did but with all the thoughts zooming through her head she didn't know how to respond to Ron. He was looking at her expectantly so she spoke up and said, "Ron th-that isn't it. Don't think that. "
Hermione would love to have something more with Ron. He made her feel so safe and sure, but at the same time his kiss was so innocent that it didn't stir that nervousness inside her, but wouldn't he eventually want more? She didn't even think she could kiss him again with the thoughts of Greyback plaguing her. All she could think of when Ron touched her was him and she didn't want that. It wasn't fair to either of them. This whole situation scared her because she wasn't ready to be intimate so soon after being forced into it with some man she didn't know, and now someone else wanted to be intimate with her. The thought of intimacy alone made her shudder.
How would she explain this to Ron though, without telling him what happened? She still wasn't ready and now she knew Ron was asking something of her that she couldn't give, and she would have to reject him without reason. She cared for Ron and that kept her from telling him about Greyback. If he ever found out, he would find her repulsive and she couldn't bare that.
She needed to tell him that, for now, it would be best not to let something like that kiss happen again, and she would have to lie as to why they couldn't. It gutted her to think she would have to lie to Ron after everything he'd done for her, but it was all she could give him right now. She kept looking down at the table as she said "About the kiss, Ron," Ron finally met her eyes," I think its b-best for now if we don't let it happen again. With everything going on, I don't think it would be wise to start anything between us." she paused for a second- as weak as she felt, she needed to seem strong for him, so as an afterthought she added, "I-I don't regret it Ron. I could never regret it." And she meant that, she truly did, but right now she couldn't imagine being intimate with anyone. She still felt so dirty and she just wasn't ready. She couldn't.
Ron felt a pang hit his chest as the words slipped out of Hermione's mouth. So she did regret it. She might not be saying it, but he knew she was just trying to spare his feelings. For some reason, this angered him, but he couldn't show Hermione that. He started bouncing his leg and he clenched his jaw. He didn't understand, after everything in the hospital, she just changed her mind? As much as he wanted to yell and scream at her he couldn't. He knew better than to push her into anything and she already seemed so broken. He needed to be there for her and if she wanted him as a friend than he was going to swallow his pride and longing for her and be the best friend that he could possibly be. He knew it would be hard, but he would take Hermione anyway he could get her and right now that was as a friend. There was nothing in the world that could make him push Hermione away.
So, with clenched teeth and a hardened expression, he said "It's fine Hermione. We can just forget about it."
She could tell from his locked jaw and stony expression he was angry. For some reason, this worried her, and she chewed on her lip. She hoped he wasn't too mad. Oh god, he was going to hate her now. She kept moving he eyes down to his clenched fist, wondering if he was going to swing them at her. Ron had never made a move of violence on Hermione, but, for some reason, she still felt that he might. Her lip started to quiver like she was about to cry and she sniffled. Ron looked at her and his expression softened.
"Are you mad at me?" she wheezed.
"Hermione, no. It's okay." He said in a gentle tone.
She still felt shaken from seeing Ron angry with her and began to tremble and sob. She was so terrified that he was angry or upset with her, and she couldn't help but start crying. He got up as if he was going to hug or embrace her but Hermione flinched away from him and he stopped.
He was hurt that Hermione had moved away from him like he was some animal about to attack her. She looked up at him, shaking her head, and said through sobs, "I'm sorry, Ron. I-I'm sorry."
Hermione got up from the table and rushed out of the room, leaving a confused and depressed Ron Weasley behind her.