Note: I wasn't sure whether to post this today or wait a day to keep up the suspense! I had just planned to begin this chapter and ended up finishing it today, so here it is. Also, some small facts about the set-up of District 12 might be a little inaccurate; I apologize if they are. Anyway, thanks so much for the helpful reviews. I love reading them! Hope you enjoy this chapter. –Melissa
Chapter 6
We fall asleep together like this, curled up on the couch. The peace of being in Peeta's arms again had made me sleepy, despite the tension of the night. I fought sleep and waited for him to say something more, but he never did. I wake up first the next morning, ignoring the instant need to flee. I just wish you had been there when I woke up, I remember him saying. I'm so comfortable and warm anyway, even on the cramped couch. I cannot deny how good it feels to fall asleep with Peeta the way we used to.
When the light of the morning sun peeks through the shades more prominently, Peeta stirs. I wait for him to say something.
"So good to wake up to you again," He says softly and sadly. I can't help but smile up at him. My heart flutters in my chest. I realize how absolutely ridiculous it is for me to be feeling this way in the wake of everything that's happening. I need no other complications.
Complications? I question the thought. In many ways, being with Peeta would be the least complicated decision I could make.
"We never even made to your room," I notice.
"Because I didn't know if you'd come," he says, and I realize he was worried if he disturbed us, I wouldn't stay.
I pull away from him a little and sit up next to him on the couch. "What now?" I whisper.
"Don't know," he says. "I guess that's up to you."
"You haven't really told me how you feel," I say. "I thought you'd say so much more last night. I thought you'd tell me not to do it," I add, quietly.
Peeta sighs, and offers me a very slight smile. "I know you well enough to know that nobody could tell you not to do anything, if you thought it was what was right. And I'd never try. I like that about you."
His genuineness moves something inside of me. "As for how I feel, it's funny. I've known less than a day that it existed, but I already feel like I love it- I mean, he or she- so much."
Again, his words have a palpable effect on me. "I knew you would," I tell him, and mean it.
Peeta takes a thoughtful pause and asks carefully, "Do you?"
I think about what I should say, what the right thing to say is. So far, being honest with Peeta has gone well. In this moment I feel like I trust him more than anyone else, so I tell him the truth.
"I don't know," I start. "I didn't at first."
"When I realized I could stop it from happening, I felt a little differently. But only because of you. Because anyone who comes from you—" I stopped.
We're sitting together on the couch, far enough away to look into the others eyes, to notice every change of expression. Close enough to feel what the other is feeling.
"Anyone who comes from me, what?"
"Is someone that deserves a chance. Someone that's a part of you, is someone special," my voice wavers and a lump rises in my throat, but I promise myself I won't cry again. There's silence for a moment, and then he speaks gently.
"You're a part of me."
The connection between us is so intense when I look up into his eyes that I have to look away. It feels like we're back in the arena again, fighting for our lives, fighting to protect one another. I know what he means. We are a part of each other, baby or no baby.
A quiet melancholia fills the room. When I look up at the clock, it hits me that Prim and my mother will be wondering where I am. What will I say? I wonder. That I stayed at Gale's? But he shares a bedroom with his brother, and it seems like an unlikely story. How can I tell them I've been at Peeta's?
After a while of comfortable silence, I tell Peeta I have to go. "They'll be wondering where I am."
"Do they know?"
"Prim does. She's the one who figured it out. I was sick, and she gave the test." He nods.
When I stand up, the distance between us seems tangible, and I am immediately aware of it. Peeta walks me to the door, and we envelope one another with a hug.
"Katniss," he says as I'm walking away. "I know you and Gale are… well, whatever you are. But I want to be in your life. I want to be a part of this, whatever you decide. Don't shut me out this time."
"I won't," I whisper. "I promise."
With that, he turns and shuts the door gently, and I'm all alone again.
It's impossible to predict if my mother will be home. She opened a clinic in town a couple of weeks go; funded by most of my winnings so far. It makes her happy, and it's good for District 12. She charges only so people don't feel like they're taking advantage of her, and even then it's only what they can afford.
I think about the young woman who was brought over several years back, bleeding heavily from a botched self-abortion. She must have only been 16 or 17. Her older sister sat with her while she died, clutching her hand and sobbing. When I asked my mother what happened later, I couldn't get a straight answer. Normally, my mother gave me all the gruesome details of the illnesses and starvation that took the lives of District 12 citizens. Any other mother might be more hesitant to share these details with their child, but she was so distant and wounded anyway that she must have seen no point in sugar coating their deaths. When this woman died, though, even my mother acted oddly. "Accident," she used to describe her death. Only in school did I hear whispers in the hall about what really happened.
I feel badly for this woman, now that I understand. I wish I knew what she was trying to escape. The same thing I was, maybe. Really, I was considering this as an act of mercy for this child, Peeta's child. Nobody deserves to grow up in a world like this; even people with promise.
I hesitate outside my house. My thoughts quickly turned bleak when I left Peeta's, and I feel so far away from him. I think of Haymitch's words: Heavy, Indeed. And it was, but somehow also easy to talk about. It should have been hardest out of anyone to tell Peeta, especially since I'm considering not having the baby. It seemed just the opposite.
I take a deep breath and walk inside. No sign of Prim. At first I think the house is empty, but my mother appears outside of her bedroom. "Katniss," she says. "We were worried about you. Prim's in town, looking for you."
I find this odd, because if there's anyone who could have an inkling of where I've been, it's probably Prim. Maybe she's trying to cover for me.
"Gale's looking for you, too."
My heart drops when I hear this. "He knows I didn't come home? You told him?" I'm irritated at this. We had no plans to see one another this morning; someone must have let him know I didn't come home.
"He came over, asking for you. We thought you'd gone hunting until we saw your bow by the fireplace. I think I know where you were, but I didn't think it was my place to tell him," She explains.
"Oh, well, where do you think I was?" I say in an accusatory tone, although she's been nothing but pleasant to me.
"Katniss. I'm your mother. You think I have no idea what's going on?"
"What is it that you think is going on?" I say, increasingly irritated.
"Did you tell Peeta that you were pregnant last night, Katniss?"
My face reddens and my expression is hard. "She told you?" It's impossible for me to believe Prim would do that.
"Did who tell me?" She looks confused.
"Prim,"
"No. I didn't even know she knew," my mother explains.
"Then how—how do you know? Was it Gale?" I'm very confused, demanding an explanation. I want to know who betrayed me.
"Gale knows, too?" She asks, looking a little disappointed. "When were you going to tell me?"
"Nobody told me," She continued. "But I'm your mother. I just knew, Katniss. You being sick on and off, tired. Emotional and upset. I just knew."
I walk into the living room and sit down, my mother following. "How did you know it was Peeta's, not Gales?"
"Well, you disappearing last night and Gale coming to look for you today confirmed it," She started. "But I thought so. I see that you and Gale are getting closer, but I also see the two of you have a long way to go. I didn't think that you'd been intimate with him yet."
Hearing my mother use the term "intimate" makes me blush again, despite what my pregnancy strongly implies. I think back to that night, both treasured and despised in my mind. Having such a snowball effect on my life.
"How'd it go, telling Peeta?"
"Well," I say. "I mean, we're just friends. You know that, right? Well… we weren't friends. But things changed after I talked to him," I explain.
She looks at me like she doesn't believe me, but answers like she does. "Yes, I know."
I almost tell her I don't know if I'm keeping the baby. But I realize I can't. My mother would worry about my safety and make sure it didn't happen. Unlike Peeta and Gale, she knows the risks all too well. If I do it, I'll tell her when it's over. I've been empowered and almost back to my normal self since I found out I had a choice; I'm not letting her take that away from me.
"Listen, mom, I have to go. I don't want Prim and Gale out there worrying. I'm going to shower and go into town. I'll talk to you more about this later."
About 30 minutes later I'm dressed and headed toward town. I worry they went into the woods looking for me; I don't want Prim trudging around there. Predators don't appear often, but they require expert handling when they do. I pick up my pace a little bit.
First I check the Hob, since it's most likely they'd look for me there. It's bustling today, but no sign of them. I ask around a little, and someone said they'd seen them head toward the shops a little while earlier.
I head that way, past the various shops that are owned by the more well-off in District 12, although 'well off' is still a stretch. No sign of them. I ask the owner of a small grocery shop, and she says she saw them heading toward the bakery.
I freeze. Well, Peeta won't be there, right? After all, I left him less than an hour ago. If he's working in the bakery today, I'm sure he wouldn't even be there yet. Still, I walk wearily in that direction, afraid of the awkwardness I'm sure to encounter even if Peeta isn't there. His mom isn't fond of me, obviously. I don't really know his brothers. His father would be kind to me, but it's still strange seeing him since what happened with me and Peeta in the games. Even stranger now.
"Stop!" I hear her frantic voice as I approach the Mellark's shop, coming from the back. Prim.
A small crowd has formed near the back entrance to the bakery. And then I see them. Gale and Peeta, standing close together, positioned to fight.
"Where is she!" I hear Gale yell. Peeta's face is hard and angry, and he doesn't say anything, which seems to egg Gale on. "Answer me. Was Katniss with you? Do you have any idea where she is now?" He raises his fist, and I think to jump in.
"Gale! Stop. I'm right here!" I cry out, bounding toward them. "I'm fine."
"Katniss, I'm so glad you're here," Prim's small voice says softly. I can tell that she wasn't that worried, and was just trying to protect me. I realize that she doesn't know that Gale knows I'm pregnant, and vice versa.
"Katniss," Gale says, relieved. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me quickly. I can't help but look quickly at Peeta, whose face falls at the kiss. I pull away. He shouldn't have to see this.
"What's going on?" I ask Gale with anger in my voice, and glance at Peeta, looking for an answer.
"Nothing," Gale says bitterly. "But he wouldn't answer me when I asked where you were. Didn't say he knew, didn't say he didn't know. It just got me… mad. I'm sorry."
I want to ask Peeta why he didn't just tell him he didn't know, but I'm worried Gale will be able to tell I was with him last night if I do. Worried I'll imply that he knows about the pregnancy, knows about everything. So I don't say anything.
"I have to go to work now. I'm late," Gale says. "Hopefully I can catch an elevator down with the next shift. We can talk about this later." I don't say much, and he can see I'm still annoyed. I wonder if later, he'll want to know where I was last night.
So he looks at Peeta. "Sorry," he offers flatly.
"Sorry." Peeta responds.
"Alright. See you later, Gale." Before I can stop him, he kisses me goodbye. This is normal for us now, but I feel incredibly self-conscious kissing him in front of Peeta. I turn away from Gale quickly so it doesn't happen again.
And then I remember the crowd. They've dissipated now, but Gale kissed me right in front of them. We don't normally do that, I think. We agreed, with me needing to be in love with Peeta and all, that we wouldn't show affection with anyone around. He did it because Peeta was there, I think. To remind Peeta I'm his. Anger bubbles up inside of me. He should know better.
I guess I falsely still think I'm keeping secrets from District 12. They probably know, anyway. But still, it feels like betrayal on Gale's part. Letting his jealousy of Peeta in the way of our safety.
I walk over to Prim and put my arm around her. "Go home, little duck. I'll be right there." Prim, ever understanding, knows I want to talk to Peeta. "Okay. See you soon." She waves to me and Peeta and walks towards Victor's Village.
I pull up and drop my hands, not knowing what to say. I can't tell if he's angry with me, angry with Gale, or angry that he kissed me like that. After all, Peeta's safety is in jeopardy too if we can't convince the Capitol of our love.
"Why didn't you just tell him you didn't know where I was?" I ask, but I find the words come out gentler than I intend them. I think of our night bound tightly together on the couch, which seems so far away now.
"Couldn't," Peeta says shortly. "I wanted to tell him you were with me last night. And I couldn't do that. But I couldn't lie, either. I'm sorry." A sadness encompasses his face; his whole being.
I sigh. Sometimes, Peeta will do exactly what I need him to do, forgetting himself. I can't blame him for the times that he just can't give me that. I can't expect him to be completely selfless. To be honest, I admire him a little when he's not. He's going against his nature just like I go against mine when I let myself be close to him; let myself be close to anybody. Still, it's harder with him, because the closeness we find with each other is different than the closeness I find with anyone else. Stronger.
"It's alright," I tell him. "It's not your fault." I walk closer and take his hand, squeezing it gently but firmly in mine. To do what he did for me last night: to let him know that he is not alone.