Chapter 7
When there's a knock on the door later that night, I know its Gale. I beat my mother and Prim to the door.
"Hi," he says wearily.
"Hey," I say, friendly, but with an edge.
"Do you want to go for a walk or something?"
The air is crisp, and I wish I brought a jacket. I don't tell him I'm cold because I know I know he'll offer me his, and I'm still irritated enough with him that I don't want it.
"You stayed at Peeta's," He says simply. "Right?"
"Yes," I say. I almost follow with nothing happened, but decide to wait until he asks.
"You told him, then," Gale says, not as a question. "I guess that means you're keeping the baby."
He tries hard to mask the disappointment in his voice, but fails. "Yes, I told him. I was forced to. Haymitch knew something was going on and demanded to know, so I told him the truth. Peeta came over. Haymitch was drunk and told him I had something to tell him. That's what happened. And no, I didn't make a decision yet."
"Did you sleep with him?"
I stand in front of Gale, stopping him from moving away. "No, Gale. I don't just run around sleeping with people. Whatever you and I are doing, I have some respect for it. I wouldn't disregard that. You shouldn't have to ask," I say. My words should be soothing, but they come out harsh.
"And yet, you spent the night with him,"
"I just slept, Gale," I say, increasingly indignant. "That's it. How you can blame me for wanting to stay with him, after what I was there to say? I couldn't just leave," I hear the lie coming out of my mouth. I could've left and I would have if I wanted to. The fact is, I choose to stay.
Gale shakes his head. "I'm sorry," he says. "Maybe I did this to myself. Katniss, I saw you and Peeta in the arena."
I wait for him to say more, to explain. I know he saw us, of course. Everyone did.
"I could tell it was all real, on his part. I remember people talking around town and especially in school; apparently Peeta's thing for you wasn't much of a secret. I knew anyway, that he meant it. Can't blame him."
"At first, I knew you weren't into the tactic, and I also could tell you didn't realize he meant it when he declared his love for you on stage. I hoped maybe you wouldn't figure it out either, to be honest. I must've missed something. Something that happened when the cameras weren't on, or before you even got into the arena. Because at some point, you started caring about him. I knew it, and it was still there when you got back," he admits.
"But Gale, you know everything now. That we slept together on the train when I was upset and that I told him it was a mistake. That I came back and gave us a chance," I start. "And I got pregnant. I told you first, do you know that, Gale? You know all there is to know."
"I don't know everything. I don't know when you fell in love with him." His voice isn't accusatory. It's sad.
"I am not in love with Peeta," I say quickly, my voice raising. "After all, didn't I come back here and choose to be with you? Doesn't that mean anything?"
"It means something," Gale agrees. "I'm just not sure what."
We're quiet for a while. I'm not sure I have the answers he's looking for. "I need a few days," I tell him. "From everyone."
"Alright," he says, his head slumped down toward the ground. "Will you tell me when you're ready to see me again?"
"Yes," I say. "I will. I'll tell you as soon as I'm ready."
"Katniss," Gale starts and hands me a folded slip of paper. "If you decide, here's the number. Her name is Marielle." I take it firmly in my palm. His lips brush mine, just barely, and he gives me a long glance before walking away.
The next few days are quiet and uneventful. I revel in the time to myself, the escape from the new life as I've come to know it in District 12. Gale respects my request and doesn't try to see me. Neither does Peeta, although I secretly wonder why not. I keep Marielle's number in the small nightstand by my bed. I find myself studying it as I fall asleep one night, the number that reminds me I'm still in control of my life.
On my third day of isolation, I decided to go hunting. I sit still and quiet, hunting my prey, luring them in. I listen to the mockingjays exchange tunes in the trees, wondering where they got them from in the first place. I felt so far away from the Capitol; far away from the games. I remember drifting off one night in a tree far above the ground, wondering if I'd ever be able to enjoy the woods again if I won, wondering if they'd always remind me of the agony of the arena. It was one of few pleasant surprises awaiting me in District 12; the ability to enjoy my meadow, my woods. I didn't catch anything that day, and didn't need to. The peace is what I needed. After, I find myself at Haymitch's door.
I give it a hard knock. When there's no response I open the door tentatively. "Hello?"
"Hello?" When I hear his response, I know right away he's not nearly as drunk as the last time I saw him.
"Hello, Haymitch," I walk into his living room.
"Well hello there, stranger," He pauses. Then, as if remembering the last time he saw me he says, "Sorry about the other day, by the way."
"It's alright," I say. I was incredibly angry, but I find myself not holding it against him.
"That's why I'm here," I explain after a long pause. "To talk about what you said. About having the baby. Do you rememeber?"
I sit down as he answers. "Oh, right. It's all vague, of course, sweetheart. But you wanna know why you should keep the baby? How it'll help keep you alive, right?"
I swallow hard. "Yes. What aren't you telling me?"
He sighs. "Listen, Katniss, I did hear from the Capitol. Week and a half ago, about. They want more of you. More of you and Peeta."
I roll my eyes and sigh. But it's not because of me and Peeta; it's because of who they think we are. In reality, I think we're something much different. And yes, I admit to myself, it's something better than the star-crossed lover spectacle they forced it to be.
"So what does that mean?"
"They basically wanted to do some type of TV show. But not a live thing like the games or the tour. A production," He says. "Quite frankly, it seems like they know it's a sham just as much as we do. But that's not their concern. They want to record and produce something but show it to the Capitol citizens as uncut, real footage, because most of the Capitol believes it, apparently. They want the Katniss-and-Peeta show, documenting your return to District 12, your eventual marriage, undying love for one another, all that crap."
I cradle my face in my hands, disgusted by these people, and the joke they've made my life. I also feel personally offended for the rest of District 12, like we're some poor, unfortunate joke to them. I hadn't thought of my forced marriage in awhile. It seemed like a minor consideration now that I was carrying an unwanted child.
"So what are you saying?"
"The Capitol isn't sold. And they want to know you can sell it to its cirizens before they film it. I expect them here in a few weeks, and sweetheart, it would be great if you're showing by then. And keeping the baby doesn't mean you're off scot-free, by the way. It just buys you some time," he says. "By the way, they might want a DNA test."
"It's Peeta's, Haymitch," I roll my eyes. "Don't push me."
"Did I say otherwise? Nope. But they might think so, and I can't blame 'em either. Expect it. If you decide to have the kid, that is. You decide?"
"No. I haven't. I'm here because I wanted all the information," I tell him. "I don't know what I'm going to do yet." I think of Marielle's phone number by my bed.
"You're somethin' else. Well, that's it. That's what I know. Expect a little visit from some Capitol officials in a few weeks. If you don't have it, you better knock 'em dead with your love. Oh, and move in Peeta, or make it look like you did at least. There are my recommendations," Haymitch says. "Let's get him over here. He should be in on this."
"No," I say quickly. "Soon. Not tonight, I need more time to think."
"I still think you could do a lot worse."
I glance sideways to see a smile on his face, which irritates me. "I'm leaving now."
"Alright, Katniss. You coming by soon to clean this place, by the way?" He smiles.
I roll my eyes. "Yes, Haymitch. I'll see you soon."
When I shut the door leaving him alone with his liquor, I mean to go to my house, but end up at Peeta's. I'm not sure why I'm there, but I knock softly on the door. Just to see if he's awake.
He opens the door, and I can see he's been sleeping. "Sorry," I start. "I didn't mean to wake you. I'm—"
"No, it's ok. Come in," he opens the door wide and I step in. We sit down on the couch, neither one of us saying anything. Peeta rubs his eyes and swipes a blonde wave from his forehead. I see he's still in his clothes, flour scattered on the blue shirt that matches his eyes. I notice how broad and strong his shoulders and arms are, and find myself yearning to be wrapped up in them.
"You know what we never did?" I say suddenly, breaking the silence that's full of tension and uncertainty.
"What's that?" He asks.
"We never sent anything to Rue and Thresh's families," I say. "Like we promised we would."
I see the recognition on his face. It was right before we were together on the train, and I wonder if he's thinking about that night now that I mention it. We agreed we'd send them something. "That's right."
"Is it safe to send them some money?" I wonder. "I don't even have that much, not yet. Most has gone to my mothers shop. I'll send everything I have left over, unless it's too dangerous," I say. I wonder if the Capitol would intercept our gift and punish us for sending it.
"It might be. But I'm willing to do it anyway, if you are. I have plenty I can give them," He offers. "What if we send them something else, and hide the money in the packages?"
I nod my head, agreeing with the idea. I look around at the beautiful paintings that adorn the walls and remember what he told me about wanting to give them away. "What about one of your paintings?" I ask. I point to one of a sunrise in the woods that I like especially. "What about this one for Rue's family?"
"I think I have one they might like better," He says, and walks into the back of the house without an explanation. When he comes back a few moments later, a large canvas is in his hand. He turns it toward me.
It's Rue, covered in flowers. But instead of surrounding her lifeless body, hundreds of them fall around her as she dances on a beach. Her hands are stretched out as if to catch them; her face is beaming with delight. The white flowers fall from the sky around her illuminating her brown skin. Sunbeams shine between the flowers. She looks so innocent, and so happy.
Tears well up in my eyes right away, clouding my vision of the beautiful site. "Peeta," I choke. "It's perfect. So perfect."
"I thought you'd like it," He said.
"I love it," I say. "Thank you."
We pick the sunrise in the woods for Thresh's family. I tell Peeta I'll bring over what's left of my winnings so far in the morning. It will be tight until the beginning of the month, but I'll have plenty after that. Besides, it's worth it. Peeta shows me the corner of the canvases where he'll stash it for them.
I look at the painting again. Rue is so life-like, she could step out of the canvas and into this house with Peeta and me. If she could, we'd take care of her. We'd give her a bed to envelope her in warmth, as much decadent food as she could eat, and protect her from the rest of the world. Protect the innocence which was stolen from her. We know better than anyone what that's like. I love her, and if she were still here, we'd love her together.
On my walk home, after I wave Peeta goodbye, I decide to keep the baby.