Alright, first of all I'm sorry if I offended some of you guys, it wasn't my attention. Some of you accused me of being unrealistic. Well the thing about this story and this chapter is that they're pretty much autobiographic, so by telling me that I'm wrong and unrealistic you're basically telling me that how I felt and still feel is wrong. I'm sorry if my experience doesn't match yours but we're all different. Second : I never said Jane was transgendered . Yes she did say it was the "wrong body" which is basically what I told my GF at the time when we first talked about it because I felt so pressured and pushed into a corner that I didn't have time to measure my own words. I think the same goes for Jane here and she will hopefully clarify everything in this chapter because she had more time to prepare . I wish you would have let me post this chapter before judging me!

I didn't want to tell how much of this story was autobiographic at first because it's nobody's business but the fact that I was attacked and accused of being intolerant, offensive, exploitive etc just pissed me of and I felt compelled to clarify things. I'm sorry if I offended you guys but I will plead the first amendment and I intend to write about my own experience the way I want to, the way I have been experiencing it, sorry if it doesn't match with your own experience. I will not stop writing this story until I'm satisfied with it, no matter how many negatives reviews I receive, none of them can touch or hurt me anymore. I used to worry sick about what people would think about me, well I don't anymore. Writing helps me, it's like a therapy and as long as this story helps me I will continue! I just find it sad that the people who I thought would understand me lashed out on me like that, but that's life I suppose!Boys will be boys and haters will hate right?

Enjoy this chapter!

Chapter 2:

The beginning :

Sitting on the cold floor of her bathroom Jane waited half an hour after she heard Maura slamming the door before coming out. Slowly opening the door making sure Maura was really gone Jane started to hate her for pushing her like this. What had just happened 30 minutes ago should have never happened like that. Laying down in bed staring at the ceiling Jane couldn't help but feeling relieved but also disturbed by her confession. Replaying this moment in her head Jane realized that the words she had spoken literally blew out of her mouth out of proportion and she was praying that Maura would not think she was a freak. Actually Jane always knew that if she wanted her relationship with Maura to be successful and healthy she would have to confide in her at some point. Actually if Jane had waited so long to tell Maura how she truly felt it was mainly because she wanted to choose her words wisely, to find the perfect way of expressing how she felt. Unfortunately Maura pushed her, forced her to confess her feelings resulting in Jane using words that were far from being representative of the reality of her true feelings . Now all Jane could hope was that those terrible words she had said wouldn't push Maura away for ever and that she would have the opportunity to clarify things. Unfortunately as eager as Jane was now to be true and honest with Maura she still had no idea how to verbalize her feelings and was hoping that Maura would help her put words on her feelings and understand them.

At the other side of town Maura found herself in her big empty as, more precisely in her office surrounded by her books. Ever since she was a little girl Maura had found comfort and answers to almost all her problems in her books and in science. Unfortunately spending time with Jane over the past years Maura learned to use her instincts and her heart rather than her brain to find the solution to her problem, especially when it came to her personal relationship with her friends, her parents or Jane. So when Jane confessed to her that she had the feeling that her body wasn't the right one, that it wasn't hers Maura's first reflex was to grab her psychology books to try to define, to put words on what was troubling Jane and maybe find a solution. Unfortunately sitting at her desk surrounded by her books Maura found herself incapable of starting her research. As lost as she was regarding Jane's "issue" if it was even one she knew that the answer wasn't in any of those books, that Jane was a human being not a study case and that if she wanted to understand her and find the proper way to help her she needed to talk to her, to listen to her, to love her unconditionally. Thinking about it Maura knew she had crossed a line, that Jane wasn't ready to share her feelings yet, she pushed her in a corner and couldn't help but praying for Jane to forgive her.

The next day Maura drove to work around 8 am and took the elevator directly to the precinct where she was told that Jane had called sick and wouldn't come to work today. Immediately thinking about the worse Maura drove to Jane's appartement calling her multiple times hoping she hadn't made a mistake.

Arriving in front of Jane's door Maura didn't know if she should use her key or knock and wait for Jane to answer. Unwilling to violate Jane's privacy for the second time Maura took a deep breath and knocked twice hoping Jane would open the door. Standing in the kitchen as she heard Maura hammering her door Jane instantly knew who it was and found herself slipt between staying right where she was and opening the door. After considering her options for about a minute Jane reluctantly dragged herself to the door and slowly opened it.

"Jane…"Maura muttered relieved as Jane was standing in front of her safe and sound.

"Maura, please come in." Jane replied taking two steps back unwilling to see Maura jump at her neck.

"Thank you. I'm sorry for calling you repeatedly but Vince told me you called in sick and I thought…"Closing the door behind her Maura didn't want to say the actual words and pass as a complete fool.

"Oh sweetie, you thought I might hurt myself?"Seeing the preoccupied look on Maura's face and feeling her voice trembling Jane realized how stupid and hurtful her actions were, once again.

"Yes. Now I see that you just needed to be alone. I'm sorry for intruding." Looking down her hands clenched on her emergency bag Maura couldn't look at Jane in the eye, not after making such make a fool of herself.

"Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry I didn't pick up because I was in the shower and yes I called in sick because I felt terrible after last night and…"

"And you clearly didn't want to have to face me. I understand Jane. Call me when you're ready. I'm not going anywhere." Maura replied taking a step back holding her tears.

"Wait, I don't want you to go."Biting her tongue Jane didn't actually want Maura to stay because she didn't know what to say or do but she couldn't stand seeing her in pain. As compelled as she felt to just break up with Maura to avoid having to face her demons Jane loved her too much to hurt her or push her away more.

"Alright, then I will stay. Shall we settle on the couch?" Maura smiled taking Jane's hand dragging her towards her couch.

"So how did you sleep last night?"Jane asked sitting on the couch not knowing where to start.

"You know I never sleep well when I'm not in your arms." Settling as close as she possibly could to Jane Maura didn't want to appear pushy but couldn't help but being physically compeled to remain as close to Jane as possible.

"Me neither. I'm sorry for throwing you out yesterday. I just couldn't look at you after…"Gently stroking the top of Maura's hand with her thumb Jane couldn't look at her in the eyes, not yet. She had already shown to much of her true self and knew that by looking into her eyes Maura would be able see even deeper in her.

"Jane, look at me. I love you, there is nothing you could do or say that could make me love you less. You should know that by now."Cupping Jane's face with her right hand trying to make her look at her Maura could easily understand how vulnerable Jane was feeling but was a little lost not knowing how to approach the situation.

"What about what I said before I pushed you out?"

"Well If I recall properly you mentioned feeling that your body wasn't yours that it wasn't the right one. I think that you have been repressing those for feelings for so long and that because I pushed you so hard the words just burst out of your mouth and that they don't necessarily describe the reality accurately."Measuring every single of her words Maura was determined to be as tactful as possible and to show Jane that she understood her.

"Yeah. I …I think I should have thought more about it before dropping a bomb like that on you. "

"I think I shouldn't have pushed you. I promise it won't happen again. I'm here to help you figure out who or what you are and I'm willing to take things as slow as you want or need them to be." As eager as Maura was to finally learn the truth about Jane she wasn't about to push her, this time she was determined to give her the time to consider her words and to find the most appropriate way to explain her feelings.

"Thank you. I think you were right to push me. I think I could have lived a long time keeping that inside me and it would have probably killed me. "Carefully considering her next few words Jane had a feeling that this was moment she had waited for since they had started dating. There was no coming back this time, Maura deserved to know the entire truth, not the terrible confession she had made that wasn't representative of how she felt.

"And we wouldn't want that now would we?"

"No. I can't imagine my life without you and if you love me as much as you say you do I'm sure living without me would be painful."

"Oh Jane, I love you more than I could ever tell you. I love you for who you are with your flaws and bad trades, with your doubts and weaknesses."

"I know and that scares me. I mean I know that now that we went down that road we have to continue, that we can't just forget about it but it's hard Maura."

"Well I'm here to guide you, if you want me to of course."Kissing Jane's hand on her scars looking at her straight in the eyes Maura felt that Jane was about to confess everything to her and could almost feel her girlfriend's pulse rising exponentially by the second.

"I do, I need you and first of all I need to clarify something : I'm not transgendered or what ever you want to call it. It's just that the way I feel in my own skin doesn't feel right, I'm not feel connected with my body but it doesn't mean that it's the wrong one. I know my previous confession might have lead you to believe otherwise but trust me I'm happy to be a woman and I don't feel the desire to become a man."Taking a deep breath after saying those words Jane felt relieved , for the first time in her life she wasn't pretending to be someone she wasn't. She was completely honest and vulnerable in front of her girlfriend and had managed to find the perfect words to describe how she truly felt .

"I understand. You do not feel comfortable in your own body or in touch with your femininity but it doesn't mean that you don't identify as a woman."Maura replied nodding as she was finally able to hear Jane's explanation.

"Exactly, most of the time I enjoy being a woman. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like being girlie you know putting on a bra, make up and stuff . It just doesn't feel right when we go and have pedicure and manicure . When we started dating I knew that I could finally be myself especially in the bedroom. I mean guys would touch my breasts and my ... you know …regardless if I liked it or not. I felt violated every time I slept with a guy because none of them got it. All I wanted when they had their hands all over me was to crawl out of my skin and just die. Luckily for me I feel that you get it. I know I can be myself with you, that I don't even have to ask not to touch me, that you just know where my limits are and what is appropriate to do or not. Please believe me when I say this : I don't do it to dominate or control you, it's just my way of protecting my body and also of protecting you because I don't know I could react if you touched me...That's why I once told you that I would be the guy because I knew it would allow me to do things my own way."Looking down feeling the tears streaming down her face Jane never felt so vulnerable in her entire life. She was finally able to express every single frustration and self hatred she had felt for years and somehow knew that Maura would still love her even after seeing the real her, and it scared her to death. Knowing that someone could love her so much that she was willing to accept her for who she was with no guarantee that things would ever get better amazed her.

"Of course you can be yourself with me Jane, I would never force you to do anything you don't want to or be anything you don't want to be." Pulling Jane against her kissing ehr forehead Maura was finally able to see the extend of her unhappiness and self loathing and it was breaking her heart that someone as gentle, supportive and funny as Jane could see herself that way, almost like a monster, someone that went against nature.

"Or Maura what am I gonna do?"Jane let out bursting into tears finally relieving the years of frustrations and self hatred in her lover's arms.

"You're going to take one day at the time. You don't need to find all the answers today. We have the rest of our lives to figure things out alright?I"m here and I'm going anywhere."Sighing as she kissed Jane's forehead Maura had a feeling that this was the beginning of a long and painful journey.

As relieved as Maura was to feel that Jane finally trusted her enough to confide into her and to finally be herself she was also scared of what it meant. She was scared that now that Jane felt comfortable enough to be herself that she might push things a bit too far, that she might feel compelled to test herself and her limits as a way of finding the answers to her questions. As painful as she knew allowing Jane to explore her fears and interrogations might be Maura knew that she had no choice but to accept it hoping that Jane would find the answers she had spent her entire life running from and she would eventually trust her enough to allow her to touch her both emotionally and physically.

Alright guys I know most of you expected Maura to do extensive research and then throw all her medical knowledge in Jane's face to try to help her understand herself. Well I see things differently, I think Maura knows that Jane would probably be offended not to mention she's smart enough to know that every person is different and that the answer to who Jane is can't be find in a book. I hope the title now makes sense to you. I know my usual readers understood me because they know me and they know that I'm slow to start things and that it takes me time to really set my stories up. I wish I had more time to develop and allow Jane to take her time to think about her words before clarifying things but I felt I had to speed things up. Damn I feel so much better! thanks to debonairgeek and many others, you guys rock!

PS: The author's note at the beginning will be the last you will receive to clarify things. I won't justify myself anymore, it took me years to accept myself and if people don't get me or don't want to allow me to develop my story and characters, well too bad, their loss!