A/N: Alright, so sorry this took so long to update, but I have had so much going on the last couple weeks that I had no time!
Anyway for this chapter you guys are either going to love it or hate it, I'm hoping you'll love it though! Please be honest and Review! I want to know what you guys want and what you think so i can keep you reading! Anyway, hope you enjoy and the next chapter should not take this long! Also, thank you to my Beta Maddymomo! You're amazing!
Hermione trudged up the stairs to the sixth year's girls dormitory, climbed into bed, and got under the covers. She been back at Hogwarts for a week and Hermione felt it had been dreadful. All week she was jumping at sudden movements and looking over her shoulder. Her arm felt raw from her scratching and she was terrified that someone might see the imperfection of that scar on her. Her lips were stinging and the inside of her lip was bleeding from biting down so hard. She was exhausted from trying to suppress panic attacks all day.
Right now all Hermione wanted to do was sleep. She didn't even bother going to dinner or to study. She knew she should be and she was itching to, but it was Friday and she was so exhausted.
So Hermione lay in her bed, staring at her ceiling trying to find sleep. She couldn't push a thought from her head. It wasn't school or her panic attacks; it was actually something much more pleasant.
All day, Ron was sitting in the back of her mind. For some reason she couldn't get him out of her head. It wasn't like he was making it easy though. They had all their classes together except for her Arithmacy class; he was just being so…. Not Ron.
He was being so considerate to her and was always looking out for her. All week he had walked her to her classes, even though it was probably inconvenient for him. She told him it was unnecessary, but Ron held his ground and refused to budge.
He was always asking her how she was doing and could tell when she wasn't well. Whenever she wasn't, he tried to cheer her up or get her mind off it. He would make sure she was going to meals, but Hermione knew she really wasn't eating. It was actually starting to become a problem, because she was started to have waves of lightheadedness, and she didn't fail to notice how thin she was.
Even though Hermione would like to think Ron was being over protective, she hadn't really kept him from doing any of it. Sure, she would say she wouldn't need his help, but when it came down to it, she never fought back. She liked Ron caring for her; he just knew exactly how to treat her.
It also didn't pass Hermione's notice how much Ron had matured physically. He had grown into his long nose and was starting to fill out after all those years of being awkwardly skinny and tall. She'd found Ron handsome since third year, but with this new found protectiveness it just made it all the more noticeable.
Hermione wasn't sure what to do about this though. She knew Ron liked her; they had kissed. His actions were proving how much he cared for her. The only thing that was holding them back was that Hermione wasn't sure that she could handle it.
Hermione knew that if she started a relationship with Ron that would mean he would expect her to do normal girlfriend things and have a normal girl reaction. Hermione knew that wasn't possible though; she couldn't even keep it together when someone was close to her.
Then there was the secret she was keeping from him. She knew if they dated it would come out, and she couldn't risk that. She knew if he found out now he would be mad. Not only that, but if she told him what had happened then there was no way he would want a relationship with her. She was dirty and no one wants someone who's dirty.
Then there was Lavender. Lavender had suddenly decided that Ron would be the new notch on her headboard and had been trying to get his attention non-stop. Ron, of course, so far had paid her no mind, but Hermione knew if she didn't get over her…. Fear than Ron would eventually get bored and leave her for Lavender.
She just needed to ignore whatever it was that was scaring her so much. Ron wasn't going to hurt her, and she knew that. So why was it anytime he would so much as try to kiss her she could feel her nervous energy build up?
She felt so ridiculous. It had been a month; she just needed to forget about it and act normal. Act normal. Hermione almost couldn't remember what it was to be normal anymore though. She was going to have to try if she wanted Ron in her life. Ron was everything to her, without him she would be so much worse than she already was.
As Hermione drifted off to sleep, she decided it was time to forget. It had been a month; in Hermione's mind that was more than enough time to recover, and she was just being ridiculous now. If she just forgot she could be normal again. At least, that's what she hoped.
oOo
Ron was sitting on the couch in Gryffindor common room with Harry, waiting for Hermione to come down the stairs. He could tell she had a bad week; when she drifted off before dinner to go to bed, he couldn't blame her. She was trying so hard to be normal and Ron could tell. As much as he would try to make her be happy, it didn't work and Ron was beginning to feel like she would never be the same. Of course, that didn't change how he felt about her. Ron would always care for Hermione, no matter what.
As he and Harry waited Lavender sauntered over and flipped her hair behind her shoulder, "Hi Ron." She said in her squeaky voice.
"Hi Lavender." Ron said without even glancing at her. She huffed and looked down at him with angry eyes for not giving her proper attention and said, "Are you and Harry going to Breakfast? We could all walk down together."
Ron looked up at her from the couch, "No, sorry, we're waiting for Hermione."
"I'm sure she can find her way to the Great Hall without you two. I mean really, I realize Hermione's been acting strange, but she doesn't need a babysitter. Come on, you guys should walk down with me and Parvati." Lavender looked up at Ron with big blue eyes and her lip sticking out, looking like a lost puppy.
Ron looked down at her again trying his hardest not to tell Lavender to sod off, "No, thanks. I told you we're waiting for Hermione, and I would appreciate if you don't talk about her. You know, we are her friends, in case you forgot."
Lavender looked at Ron, surprised at his outburst, and glared at Ron before she stocked off with Pavarti following close behind.
Finally, Hermione came down the stairs, smiling when she saw Ron and Harry.
"I hope you weren't waiting too long, I woke up a little late this morning." Hermione said.
"Oh no, just a few minutes. It's okay. How are you feeling today?" Ron asked.
Hermione smiled a smile Ron hadn't seen in a long time and said, "I'm feeling pretty good, actually."
Ron felt relief and giddy happiness run through him seeing Hermione actually looking so happy. He really had missed one of her genuine, all out smiles.
"That's great." Ron smiled. "Let's get to breakfast, I'm starving."
With that Ron, Harry, and Hermione went to the Great Hall. All throughout breakfast, Hermione tried her best to keep her attitude up. Though it felt forced sometimes, she kept pushing images away of her capture out of her head- she did feel better. She wasn't thinking and not thinking was helping her a lot.
She purposely sat next to Ron at Breakfast so she could be near him. All through the meal, they talked and Ron was pleased to see Hermione acting like herself. He didn't know what could have possibly happened to make her attitude change so completely, but whatever it was, Ron was happy with it.
After breakfast, they all left the Great Hall to the pitch for Ron and Harry's Quidditch practice. Hermione decided to go along so she wouldn't be alone all day. As they were walking out though, Professor McGonagall stopped Hermione and pulled her aside. Hermione was slightly confused when the elder professor approached her and led her into the side room joining to the Great Hall.
"Is there a problem Professor?"
McGonagall looked nervous for a moment as she looked at Hermione, but her eyes changed to something more sad and in a kind voice McGonagall said, "I just wanted to inform you that I am very well aware of what happened to you this summer and if there is any assistance you need please let me know. As your Head of House, it's my job to watch over the students, and if there is anything at all you need please feel free to approach me."
For a second Hermione was surprised that McGonagall knew what happened over the summer, and then felt very embarrassed because she wasn't sure if McGonagall knew about EVERYTHING that happened.
"Do you k-know everything?" Hermione said carefully.
McGonagall looked at her slightly confused and then a look of recognition fell over her, "Yes, Miss Granger, I know everything." She said gently.
An awkward silence fell between them, and Hermione didn't know what to do for a second. She realized she was biting her lip very hard and absentmindedly scratching her arm. She looked up at the Professor and nodded her head, "Well, I'll let you know if there's anything I need." And Hermione slowly turned to walk out of the room.
As she was reaching for the door knob McGonagall said, "Hermione, am I to understand that certain people do not know all of what happened?" Hermione turned around to see the professor looking at her knowingly and Hermione again just nodded her head.
"Well, I understand, but I must press that it might be relieving to let your emotions go."
"I understand Professor." Hermione said, looking at the ground. She then turned around and headed out of the room. She closed the door behind her and started walking quickly to the pitch. Her breathing felt ragged and her vision was blurred by tears. She quickly wiped her face and balled her fists.
She stopped in the middle of the vacant hallway and looked up at the castle ceiling, breathing in and out slowly trying to get herself together. Slowly, she could feel her panic attack slip away and the tears once falling in defeat were falling now from anger. She gritted her teeth and breathed out heavily.
Why? Why not for one day could this not haunt her? And why could she not just keep it together? Hermione balled her fists harder as she felt more tears come to her eyes, and she roughly swiped at her eyes.
Hermione took another deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to rid herself of any negative emotion and block out all thoughts of what happened over summer.
I told myself I would stop this, so stop. I need to be strong. She thought.
Hermione took another deep breath and opened her eyes. She waited a second before continuing to the pitch. Halfway there though she her mind and redirected herself to the library thinking she really didn't feel like sitting at the pitch to sit idly. That gave her too much time to think.
She never headed to Lunch or Dinner, but drowned herself in books. She never realized that she had spent so much time there and when someone came up beside her and shook their hand in her face she jumped.
"I should have known to look here. Where have you been all day?" the familiar voice of Ron asked.
"Here, obviously." Hermione said looking back down at her book.
"You've been here since breakfast?" Ron asked surprised.
"Yes." Hermione said as if he was a small child.
"Alright, come on. Let's go." Ron said as he closed the book in front of her and stacked them up to carry.
"And what do you think you're doing?" Hermione huffed.
"What does it look like I'm doing? We're leaving. You know you've been here for a good eight hours." Ron said, just as agitated.
Hermione actually didn't know how long she had been in the library, but she wasn't going to except defeat.
"I very well know how long I've been in here, Ronald. I was studying." Hermione seethed.
"A little obsessive, don't you think?"
Hermione's jaw dropped. "And what is that supposed to mean. Just because you don't know how to read doesn't mean some of us don't know either!"
"Alright, Hermione. You can kick and scream all you want, but you're leaving. You can't just avoid everything by drowning yourself in studies." Ron said in a much quieter voice.
Hermione's anger quickly dissolved and her eyes drifted to the floor. "Why would you think I'm avoiding something?"
"Well, McGonagall talked to you this morning and I haven't seen you since so she must have told you she knew."
Hermione's eyes shot back to Ron's, "and how would you know she knew?"
"Because Hermione, do you think Bill would send you off here without telling any adult about what happened?" Ron said.
Hermione sighed. "No, of course he wouldn't."
Ron continued to stack her books, "I know you've studied enough, so can we please go back to the common room? You can help me with my Transfiguration's paper if you want."
Hermione looked at him with her arms crossed, sitting in her chair, even know she knew she lost the battle.
Ron smiled seeing Hermione being so stubborn, and he grasped her forearm to pull her up.
"Come on" Ron coaxed.
Hermione went willingly after Ron's warm hand wrapped around her much smaller arm. He left her books forgotten and held firm to her arm all the way to the common room where they sat down and did Ron's essay.
"Where's Harry?" Hermione asked after being in the common room for a while.
Ron looked up from writing his conclusion and said, "Oh, he's in Dumbledore's office doing one of their meeting things."
"Oh." Was all Hermione said and Ron finished up his conclusion.
Ron let out a breath and rolled up his parchment, "Thank gods I finished that." And he proceeded to put it in his bag. He started to get up and said, "I think I'm going to head up to bed. We had a long practice."
From some reason Hermione really wanted to spend some more time with Ron. She really wished she could have spent more time with him today, and she did promise herself it was time to forget, which meant it was time to show Ron that she actually had feelings for him.
"I'm not really tired. Do you want to wait for Harry with me?" Hermione said quickly trying to get to the point.
Ron looked at Hermione for a second wondering why she seemed so jumpy when she was fine not a second ago and said, "Uhm, yeah, sure."
She decided to get up and moved towards the couches near the fireplace and sat down with Ron plopping down right next to her. Both not knowing what to do, they sat staring at the dying fire for a while, waiting for the other to say something.
At this point, Hermione really wished she knew how to flirt or that Ron would actually do something. She just wanted to forget and for some reason she thought Ron would be the answer. It wasn't like she wanted anything sexual with him… well, at least, not yet. She just wanted what her and Ron had and a little more.
For some reason, Hermione felt the need to tell Ron how grateful she was for him. For everything he'd done for her, because it was way more than she deserved. She couldn't even find the guts to tell Ron what happened that night, even know he was the one mostly picking up the pieces. He could also do so much better than her. There was nothing special about Hermione, and she had always thought Ron deserved a gorgeous girl who liked Quidditch and played chess.
Just then Hermione finally had the courage to say what was on her mind, "Thank you."
Ron looked over at her confused, "What?"
"Thank you. Thank you for being there for everything. I mean, I really don't know how I would be right now if it wasn't for you and your family."
Ron looked at Hermione confused and wondering what brought her on to saying all this, "Hermione, like Bill said, you're family and that's what you do for family." Ron didn't know why Hermione was bringing this up, and it was odd for her to be talking so openly like this without causing an attack. He watched her carefully, waiting for her to respond.
She had her chestnut curls tucked behind her ear, and she was staring into the fire like she was thinking about something really hard. She had her brow furrowed like she always did when she was thinking about something, and Ron couldn't help but think about how adorable she was when she was trying to piece her words together.
She continued to look into the fire as she spoke, "But you don't do it because I'm like family, do you?" Hermione questioned.
For a second Ron wasn't sure what to say as he stared at her with wide eyes. Where was this coming from? He was so confused; and slowly turning red knowing what Hermione was insinuating. She looked up into his eyes waiting for a response and she was trying so hard to not shy away from him. She needed someone like Ron, and she can't let someone like Lavender have him.
Ron thought the best route to go was telling the truth, knowing Hermione could see straight through him when he lied. "Uhm, No. You're right. It's not 'cause you're family." He said matter-a-factly tone.
Hermione kept staring into his eyes, but finally turned her head back to the fire nodding her acknowledgment of what Ron had said.
"I don't think of you as family." Hermione said. "At least, not the same way I think of Harry as family."
Ron kept looking at Hermione as she stared into the fire, wondering why she was telling him this. I mean, he was happy to know she somewhat felt the same way for him, but Ron kept questioning what brought this on.
"Hermione?" she looked over at him again her eyes, looking vulnerable.
"Why are you telling me this?" Ron asked gently.
Ron noticed Hermione take a deep breath, and her eyes dart around in front of her like she was searching for what to say.
"I-I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me and that… I-I don't think of you like Bill or Harry. You're something far more important." Hermione raised her eyes to look at Ron to see if he understood what she was getting at, and she saw the understanding in his eyes.
They continued staring until Ron found his voice.
"I don't think of you as family either."
Ron was pretty sure where Hermione was going, but didn't know why she would bring this up now. She had seemed so jumpy whenever he tried to touch her before that he had started to think better of courting her. Now, all the sudden, it seemed as if Hermione really wanted it; and since it was Hermione, Ron wanted nothing more than to have her.
Hermione was looking at Ron, trying to decide what to say. She was feeling her anxiety rise with all the anticipation. Ron saying he felt the same way for her put some ease to her, but she wanted Ron. All previous thoughts of the night before about not wanting a relationship were gone. She wanted Ron to hug her- not because she was crying. She wanted Ron to hold her hand- not because she was having a panic attack, but because he wanted too. She wanted Ron to look at her and not look for signs that something was wrong. She just wanted Ron to be the way he was, but not because something was wrong with her.
All these thoughts kept spinning through her head as Ron looked at her and she felt frustration and sadness with herself rise up in tears. She tried to hold them back, but she was finding it difficult to keep them concealed. This only made her more frustrated resulting in more tears.
Why? Why am I so emotional? I used to be normal. Why can't I be normal?
Ron was looking at Hermione as tears started to appear in her eyes making Ron confused. Hermione could see the look of concern in his eyes as he wiped a tear from her cheek.
"Why are you crying?" Ron asked as he rubbed his hand on her cheek.
She jumped a little at the contact, not expecting it, but continued to let him rub her cheek. She expected it to feel uncomfortable or unwanted, but all she felt was cared for. She never really felt cared for anymore and this only made her want Ron more.
She opened her mouth to say everything on her mind, but she couldn't for some reason and she just ended up crying more. Ron leaned back on the couch bringing Hermione with her to lean on his chest and he rubbed her hair, waiting for the tears to stop. This had become something like second nature to Ron since the beginning of the term and something others would never think Ron would do or that he would be awkward, but it was as easy as breathing to him now.
Hermione gripped on to Ron's shirt as she continued to try and suppress more tears. She didn't want to cry. She didn't even know why she was crying. All the frustration, confusion, and crying was making it hard for her to control herself, and she felt a panic attack slowly creep up on her. She concentrated hard on getting her breathing to even out and soon the panic attack had subsided and she had been concentrating so hard on breathing that she had been able to stop crying too. Even though she was feeling better she stayed curled up with Ron reveling in the feel of him holding her and his caring nature that he only shared with her.
She had, at some point during her crying and panic attack, grabbed Ron's hand to hold. Looking at her hands intertwined with his gave her courage to say what she had wanted to say for the duration for the whole conversation.
"Ron, I don't want to be friends anymore." She said into his chest.
For a moment Ron was confused and felt himself stiffen at the statement as he put his chin on top of her head, but thinking back to their prior conversation Ron caught on to what she meant and tried to think of what to say.
Ron instead just nodded his head in agreement and squeezed Hermione's hand so she knew he felt the same. She looked up at him with her eyes still glossy from crying.
"We don't have to be friends." Ron said and he kissed her forehead. Hermione looked back up at him and nodded her head with a smile tugging her lips and she leaned her head back down onto his shoulder in contentment.
For Hermione, this was the first time she had been happy in a long time. She loved feeling wanted and cared for. She felt like Ron was the only person she could feel this comfortable with. She couldn't imagine with anyone other than Bill letting them get this close to her. With Ron though it was different, maybe it was because she had let Ron see her broken or maybe because of her feelings for him, but she felt like she could let her guard down in front of Ron without him hurting her.
Hermione's thoughts kept swirling around her head until she slowly drift off to sleep.
Ron heard as Hermione's breath evened out and he held her closer. Ron was trying so hard not to jump out in excitement. He never thought in a million years that Hermione would open up to him like this from the state she had been in recently. He didn't mind taking care of her or holding her when she was upset, but it was so much better to hold her because he could. He didn't care if this was all they could ever do; it felt nice to hold her. For her to trust him so much, considering how little she seemed to trust people with herself.
Someone coming through the portrait hole stopped his thoughts and the messy black hair of Harry appeared next to him.
"Hey how was your meeting?"
Harry shrugged, "Informative and exhausting." He answered simply as he sat down next to him.
"She okay?" Harry nodded towards Hermione.
"Yeah, she just fell asleep."
"She seems comfortable. You going to wake her up to go to bed?"
Ron thought about it for a second, "Nah. I think I'll stay here."
Harry nodded and started to get up to go to the dorms. Ron thought he should probably tell Harry about him and Hermione before he found out from someone else, He also thought it would be a lot less awkward for him to just tell Harry instead of him and Hermione. So before Harry reached the staircase Ron yelled for Harry just loud enough as to not wake Hermione, "Hey Harry!"
Harry turned to look at him waiting for him to respond.
"I think me and Hermione are more than friends now."
Harry raised his eyebrows and smiled and chuckled softly.
"That's great Ron." Harry said.
"Why is that funny?" Ron asked
"No reason." Harry replied before he headed up the stairs to the boys dorms.
Ron looked up towards the stairs than back down at Hermione. He smiled and got more comfortable before falling asleep with Hermione in his arms.
Yeah, I know. Don't worry, Hermione isn't all better now. It's going to take time, but she feels like she needs Ron and she feels this is the only way she can have him. Please Review! Honest opinion!