Chapter 9
It's a crisp autumn morning in the woods when I tell Gale.
"I'm keeping the baby."
Gale downs a handful of berries. "I figured," he responds quietly.
"There's more."
He nods. "I kind of figured that too."
"The Capitol wants me to come there. Me and Peeta. Apparently the citizens want more of us. So they're filming a show… about our… love, I guess. They'll be putting on a Capitol wedding for us, and they were thrilled to find out I was pregnant. Now they have that to film too," I explain. "I leave in 2 weeks."
His head turns toward me quickly. "Two weeks?" He asks in surprise. "When did you find out?"
"Last Saturday. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
He looks away, gazing through the tall endless trees of the woods.
"So is this it for you and I?"
I'm taken aback. I'd think so many other questions would seem more important to him than that one. But maybe I'm not considering exactly how much I mean to him, or the fact that he's almost lost me several times before.
"I don't know," I stammer. "I haven't thought about it." This comes out differently than I mean it, hurtful.
He raises and drops his eyebrows and lets out a sarcastic chuckle. I feel anger building inside of me for his insensitivity, but squash it. I can't imagine what I've put Gale through since I left for the Games. I can let him be angry. I move closer to him and put my arm around his waist. "I'm sorry," I whisper.
"So this marriage," He starts. "Will it be real? For you?"
"No," I answer, partially because I think it's true, partially because it sounds like the right thing to say. "Peeta and I are friends again… and I'm glad, because it's making the whole thing easier. He knows the marriage will be a Capitol creation. We're just friends," I say. If there's any doubt in my voice, I hope Gale doesn't notice.
"I thought I had you back," he says. "I knew you cared for Peeta, but you choose me, and really let me think this could happen for real."
"I knew the Capitol wasn't done with me, even before I found out about the pregnancy. I should've told you that before now. You know they weren't happy about the berries," I say.
"I know. It was just wishful thinking, maybe. Now I'm losing you all over again."
"Gale," I start. "It doesn't mean there's no chance that you and I… someday, can't… find something real together. It's on hold for now. But it's not over forever."
He looks up at me. "I want to believe you, Katniss. I just don't know if I can."
I hug him tightly. Any further reassurance seems like it would be excess. I don't think I can make him believe it with any more certainty than I believe it. Gale thinks he and I don't stand a chance because of Peeta; I'm more consumed with the fear that I won't ever be back in District 12 again.
If I don't make it back, I hope Peeta does. I hope he, Prim and my mother will raise the baby. Gale can be its "cousin", too. But then they'll all see my child's name pulled in the reaping, which in my anger I've decided is rigged for certain. At least I won't have to suffer knowing—but they will. I see that there's no real way for me to protect anyone anymore.
I tell Prim and my mother later that night. My mother cries; I realize I've never seen her show this kind of emotion toward me, not even before I left to a probable death in the Games. Prim is sad the baby won't be born here, but confused about why my mother and I are so upset that I'm leaving for a while.
"You already pretended to be with Peeta during the games. And, what's so bad about having to be married to the baby's father? If you're not happy, Gale will be waiting when you get back."
She says the last part with a little hesitancy. I know she loves Gale like a brother, but again, she's pulling for me and Peeta. I guess this must be related to the pregnancy; surely, sweet Prim would find it romantic for the three of us to be together as a family. Still, I'm surprised about her complacency at the idea of Gale and I marrying. I also realize she doesn't understand the kind of danger I might be in. I don't want to worry her, so I don't say anything more about it. I hug them both extra tight before I go to bed that evening.
The next couple weeks seem endless. I hunt for Hazelle, freezing as much extra game as I can, although I know it won't keep long. Gale and I have our last two Sunday's together, but he's distant and a little cold. Besides kisses hello and goodbye, he doesn't make any further attempt at physical affection. I feel like the progress we've made romantically is stagnant now, and as slowly as I wanted to take things, I feel slightly disappointed. After all, I might not make it back, might never know what could have been.
Luckily I don't have to worry about Prim and my mother. Haymitch confirmed with the Capitol that my winnings will go directly to them while I'm gone, so they'll have more than enough for what they need. Although Hazelle will let me hunt for her, she doesn't like taking money from us, so I remind my mother to make sure to bring her food weekly even if she resists. Prim and my mother take care of all of household work, so they'll hardly notice my absence. Prim insists we still set up the nursery for when I come back, and I oblige her and help paint a yellow room with pink and blue trim. I don't see much of Peeta. Again I wonder why he doesn't seek me out; but I figure we'll be seeing plenty of each other soon enough.
When I wake up the morning that our train arrives, I'm relieved the day is here. I'm ready to let the anticipatory anxiety slide away and face whatever is coming. Gale, Hazelle, Prim and my mother walk me to the train station. Gale nods to someone and I see Peeta there saying goodbye to his father and brother, and Haymitch; who seems to be babbling nonsense to Peeta's poor father.
Hazelle hugs me, and I remind her to keep the kids fed, and ask my mother if she needs anything. My own mother hugs me tightly, tears welling in her eyes. I hug Prim and tell her I love her and I'll see her soon. They step back to give us privacy, and Gale walks up and slides his arms around my shoulders.
"Take care, Catnip," he whispers. "You'll be fine. Write if you can."
"I hope so," I say. "I'll see you soon, Gale." My eyes are hopeful that after I give them what they want, I can return to my home in District 12.
"I love you," he says quietly, when I pull away. I hug him again tightly in response, unable to form 'I love you, too' on my lips. I kiss him deeply when I pull away, and walk toward the train, not looking back.
"Let me help you," I hear as I struggle down the corridor with my bags.
"I'm fine," I tell Peeta. "I've got it."
"In your fragile state," he starts. "I thought you'd appreciate a hand," his eyes glimmer. I realize he's teasing me.
"I'm glad you think it's so funny," I respond, but there's humor in my words. He has a lot of nerve teasing me about the pregnancy that's spun my world upside down, but his happy, playful voice makes me not mind.
We head to my old room, which sure enough has a "Katniss Everdeen" label on the door. Peeta brings my bags in, and a painful familiarity sweeps over me at the sight of my room. Peeta tells me Haymitch said dinner is at 6 and he'll see me then.
My day in my room is uneventful. I watch a bunch of mindless Capitol television and think about what growing up in their carefree world must be like. Never worrying about starvation, mine explosions or anyone's names being pulled in the reaping. I resent every last one of them, except Cinna, that is. I wonder if he'll be my stylist for the show and remind myself to ask Effie later.
When I go to the bathroom, I see a slew of what appears to be prenatal vitamins waiting for me on the sink. I might as well take them, I think, and swallow a couple of the huge pills. They feel lodged in my throat and I swallow hard again, forcing them down.
I slip on the least obnoxious dress I find in the wardrobe and meet Peeta and Haymitch in the dinner car we're so familiar with that evening. Before I can greet them, Effie appears as if out of nowhere. "Hello! Hello! So wonderful to see you both. Give me a hug, darling," She says to me, wrapping me tightly in her grasp and then moving on to Peeta.
"Oh, Katniss. You're showing!" She giggles with delight. "So, so very sweet. Our viewers will love it, too. May I touch it?" I sigh faintly and oblige as she strokes my little bump, slightly bigger than it was when Peeta touched it a few weeks ago.
"To think, a little Victor baby in there. This is just perfect," she says, and motions for us to sit down at the table. "How far along are you again, dear?"
"Almost four months."
"Four months," she repeats and pauses, seemingly doing math in her head. "Why, Katniss, that was the Victory Tour… that would mean…" She trails off and smiles at us, a devilish look on her face.
"Yes, Effie," Peeta says, trying to stop her from stating the obvious—that the baby was conceived right here on this train. I'm tomato-red but flash him a quick 'thank you' glance for stopping her from saying anymore.
"That is so romantic, you too!" An awkward tension fills the room. She looks at the space between us oddly, and glances between Peeta and me like she's trying to figure something out. When we don't give her any affirmation of her love, she moves on.
"Ok, ok, so it's another big, big day tomorrow! Since there will be no stopping, we should be in the Capitol by late morning. Copies of the schedule will be in your rooms when you return after dinner. But I will tell you now we are starting filming right away! Very exciting, this kind of thing is unprecedented, you know."
The lack of excitement in the room is palpable. Even Haymitch seems too subdued to mock or challenge her. "Alright, Effie," I say.
Dinner is served, a plethora of delectable food. We eat and talk; mostly Effie, Peeta and Haymitch. Since I'm lacking in excitement and authenticity, I think it best to be quiet. After 4 courses, I'm uncomfortably stuffed. I may have had plenty of money for food these past few months in District 12, but there was nothing available there that was worth eating this much of.
When she's gone, I look up at Haymitch. "What's up with Effie?"
"I guess some Capitol people do think you two are for real. You'd better start the show for her, I guess. Better get to bed. It's so late. See you two in the morning," he slurs.
"It's 8:30," Peeta notices, but Haymitch ignores him and stumbles out of the dinner cabin.
"I'm tired too, actually," I tell him. "Not for the same reasons obviously. I couldn't sleep last night."
"Me neither."
"Nightmares?" I asked. Peeta nodded.
"Me too. I guess I'll go lay down. Nothing else to do but worry, anyway."
He gives me an empathic look. Peeta walks me to my room, but stops on his walk further down the corridor to his own, pausing to look at me. "If you have any nightmares, my door will be open." He continues down the hall before I can say anything else.
I didn't think much of it at the time, but as I lay restless and lonely in my plush bed, I realize I don't really know how to sleep on the train without Peeta. I haven't had any nightmares, but that's because I haven't been able to sleep. I've been tossing and turning and rubbing my stomach, thinking about the Capitol and the baby and my family. Despite my extreme exhaustion, I cannot get my mind to stop racing long enough to fall asleep.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I slip quietly out of my room and down the hall. I knock softly and hear Peeta tell me to come in. I can't see him in the dark and I don't know what to say, so instead, I slip in bed beside him. His arms find me right away.
"Nightmare?"
"No. Just can't sleep."
I find such comfort back in this room with him that I don't need to say anymore. But neither of us fall asleep for a while; I can tell by his breathing that he's awake. It's been so long since we slept like this. After I told him I was pregnant, we slipped into sleep together on his couch, both desperate for comfort. Tonight felt like how it used to be, when we were one another's only source of happiness. Our friendship, both in the arena and on the Victory tour may have been complicated, but it went further than just a need for comforting arms. It was a ray of light in extremely bleak circumstances.
At breakfast the next morning, Effie asks us if we're excited for the first 'event' on the schedule at the Capitol. I haven't looked at it, and apparently neither has Peeta, because we both stare blankly at her.
"Oh come on, let's see some excitement from you too!" Haymitch says over a mimosa. "Filming the gender-of-the-baby spot!"
I look at Peeta. It's hard to read the expression on his face, but I think he's feeling the same thing I am. We'll find out if it's a boy or girl today, and that makes it seem much more real somehow. In the next glance we exchange we're just a couple of teenagers, unexpectedly pregnant and terrified. If only it were our only problem.
When our train arrives into the Capitol a few hours later, our bags are whisked away and we are rushed to what seems to be a hospital. Out of nowhere, a film crew arrives behind us, following Peeta, me, Haymitch and Effie to a small room with what must be an ultrasound machine. A stylist I've never met pulls me into another room and quickly but proficiently applies my makeup. When he shows me it in the mirror, I look like I'm going out for dinner and dancing, not to an ultrasound. When I re-enter the room I can see Peeta's been made-up a bit too. He looks nervous as they direct me to lie down on the table.
Effie suddenly rushes into the room. "Slight change of plans. We're not pre-filming this one. This is airing live. An exciting way to begin the series, isn't it!"
Live. No second chances to re-film if we're not excited or convincing enough. While the camera crew rushes around to prepare, I look up at Peeta and grab his hand. I silently tell him through my eyes to make it a good performance; that I will too. I regret not looking at the schedule and being prepared for this. His spot is a high top chair right beside me and he looks intensely down at me. I hate that I can't talk to him, can't hear his reassuring voice. I know it's not safe to exchange any words of encouragement here, any words that might imply our love is anything but genuine.
Soon the lights are on and the ultrasound technician is rubbing a thick, slimy liquid on my stomach. Seeing my trepidation Peeta squeezes my hand. The camera lights are blinding, and I can barely see the screen where the baby is illuminated inside of me. The technician suddenly speaks, her voice high and loud.
"Everyone at home, are you ready? Katniss, Peeta?"
I guess she's asking us. I faintly nod my head, feeling sick from wand on my stomach, the lights, the people all around us. I can't see Peeta, I only feel his hand squeezing mine. There's a pause and I imagine Caesar and his cohort are discussing the happenings in between shots of us.
"You are having a… baby girl!" Her voice is so loud and excited. I feel blank for a minute, and then remember I'm supposed to react, so I break into a huge smile. My eyes are tearing up because of the lights, and I wipe them, pretending to be overcome with emotion. There's all sorts of noise and commotion coming from the set. Suddenly, the lights switch position and I can see Peeta's face. He is beaming. I can tell his smile is fake, a smile for the Capitol, but genuine happiness radiates through his eyes. He continues his performance by kissing my hair.
Finally the lights go off and Effie rushes over. "A girl!" She exclaims. "We'd better start thinking of names! It must be something perfect, of course, for the daughter of two Victors. They'll take you to your hotel room now to get settled. We'll do gender-reaction interviews later. Get some rest, lovebirds."
This time, we do not have separate rooms. Our suite is the penthouse of a ridiculously lavish Capitol hotel. As soon as Effie with all of her chatter and Haymitch with his slurred commentary leave, I shut the drapes. The view of the Capitol reminds me too much of the view from the roof Peeta and I sat on the night before the Games. He and I sit down together, both exhausted from the eventful morning. We haven't gotten a chance to talk at all.
"You were right about the gender-reveal bit," I say to break the silence.
"Guess so," Peeta says. "So. A girl."
The room is filled with some sort of tension now. Every reference to the baby is a reminder of the night together on the train. And now that we know the gender, it's a reminder of the very real fact that we are having a child, me and Peeta, together.
"Just like you thought."
"Just what we need. A mini Katniss around to break some more District 12 hearts."
I shoot him a dirty look, but smile. "You're awfully funny lately."
"Speaking of breaking hearts. How's Gale doing with all of this? You're still together, right?" His voice is not accusatory, it's waiting for the confirmation of what he knows but doesn't want to hear. I get a sense that he wants to get it over with. Maybe being alone together in this beautiful suite is difficult, and he wants a reminder that nothing will happen.
"He's not doing so well," I answer him honestly. "At least not from what I know. As for being together, I don't know. I don't know what he and I are. I didn't before the games, I still don't."
Neither of us says anything for a long time. I decide to say something to break the tension. "You seemed happy, in the hospital room."
"I was—am. I wanted it to be a girl. Think they'll force us to name her something ridiculous?"
I cringe. "I hope not. The last thing I want is a Capitol-produced name to go with a Capitol-produced baby."
Peeta's face twists. "The Capitol hardly produced this baby, Katniss."
"Didn't it? Forcing us into the Games, tricking us into thinking we could both win, the berries, shooting that old man after our speech. Driving us to… to be desperate for one another like that," I'm not sure why, but I'm suddenly angry. I don't know about him, but this morning had been a nightmare for me. I yearned to be safe at home with my mother and Prim.
"Speak for yourself," Peeta says. "And by the way, you came to me that night," His voice is calloused and hurt.
"You could've stopped me," I say, knowing that's not really true. I was determined.
His eyes widen with hurt and disbelief. "Is it so hard to believe I thought you wanted to be there?" His voice is rough with anger.
"But you asked. You asked me why I was kissing you. You knew I didn't really want it," Another lie.
"Yeah. And you told me to trust you."
He doesn't need to say any more after that. We go about getting settled in the suite silently. I hang the dresses they gave me on the train up, and put the little that I brought with me away in my oak drawers. I hang my fathers' jacket up last, hugging the leather against my body first. I avoid eye contact with Peeta the whole time, ignoring him as he puts his things away.
I slip in bed and pull the plush comforter over me. It's comfortable and wonderful, and I sink into the bed. But I still resent it and where I am. I feel guilty watching Peeta on the couch. While obviously expensive, it can't be nearly as comfortable as this bed.
"Peeta," I say. "You can sleep here with me. This bed is huge, anyway." He doesn't respond. "Come on, Peeta." Wordlessly, he gets off the couch and into bed next to me and faces the wall. I've hurt Peeta many times, but he's never held it against me for this long. I need an ally here in the Capitol; and we won't put on a good show if he's angry with me, if we aren't friends.
"You're right about the night on the train. I did come to you and I kissed you first. I wanted to be with you."
He finally turns around and looks at me. "But now you regret it."
I feel that intense attraction to him again, like I did at his house a few weeks ago. All sorts of things flash in my mind; Gale, the baby, the night with Peeta on the train and the way it made me feel. "No I don't."
With that, he takes me in his arms, and I am safe again.