Chapter 5 :

Shared responsibilities :

After that short but intense massage session Jane and Maura lied in bed for a while in silence, neither of them knowing what to say or do. Lying on her back stroking Maura's hair with her fingers Jane was relieved and proud of herself for allowing her to touch her like that. Actually she felt a little stupid for making such a fuss for something that insignificant as a back massage and for not trusting Maura not to cross the line. Obviously Jane knew that Maura would never do anything she didn't want to do or wasn't ready for but she knew how confident she could be and was afraid that she might let her enthusiasm get the best of her and make her cross the line. Luckily for for Maura was perfectly able to refrain herself, deepening the trust jane had in her.

Resting her head on Jane's chest listening to her heart beats was also relieved and even if she was a bit frustrated she was also satisfied that things went smoothly and that Jane didn't react badly to her touch. Wandering her fingers on Jane's arms Maura knew that this was only the first step towards earning Jane's trust and making her feel comfortable enough to take the next step. Actually Maura had a feeling that this was probably the beginning of a long period of abstinence for her but she didn't care, all she wanted was to be with Jane, to help her find herself and nothing else mattered.

"So I have been thinking…"Jane finally spoke bitting her bottom lip not knowing where to start.

"Yes Jane?" Maura replied rising her head as she quickly flipped on her side.

"Well, I have been thinking about our relationship and the way things happened between us." Taking a deep breath Jane knew that she had to be extremely careful with her choice of words because Maura had a tendency to take everything literally.

"You have?" Maura quietly replied looking at Jane straight in the eyes.

"Yes, I think that waiting for so long to finally face our feelings and acting on them was a good thing. I mean if we waited it was because we weren't ready, right?" Jane mumbled already loosing sight of what she had been thinking about ever since the first time they had sex.

"Yes, even if both of us had been feeling the same physical and emotional attraction for years neither of us were ready to either engage in a serious relationship or to face people's interrogations and judgement, not to mention that neither of us were willing to risk loosing our friendship. So I believe you're right, we took our time to develop our natural bond and consider things carefully. Don't worry I don't regret waiting. It actually increased my desire and emotions and made that first kiss even more perfect." Maura replied her hand on Jane's lip feeling that her girlfriend needed her to meet her half way .

"Well if I don't regret taking my time to finally confess my feelings there is something I regret not doing." Closing her eyes hoping Maura would be understanding Jane was petrified. Actually for the past few days she expected Maura to just walk away every time she confessed something new or deeper, but Maura never left her, she stayed even if it hurt.

"Let me make an educated guess : you wish we had talked about sex before sleeping together?" Maura said suddenly feeling responsible for the situation they were in. She always saw Jane as strong and confident and always assumed that she was completely ready to engage in a sexual relationship and that if she had felt the need to talk about it she would have. Unfortunately seeing where this discussion was going Maura realized that she had made a mistake she was determined to make things right hoping that it wasn't to late for them to have the " sex talk".

"Yes. I mean we, once again waited for a long time before sleeping together, which I think was the wise thing to do because it allowed us to rediscover each other in a new way and to slowly get used to be dating you know. The thing is we actually never talked about how we pictured our first time or our future sex life you know ."

"You're right, we talked a lot about our future, about moving in together, getting married or even having children but we never talked about our expectations, desires or fears regarding our sex lives."

"Exactly and I wanted to apologize. I should have had the balls to tell you about my ….issues before we had sex but I naively thought that I would be able to overcome them by myself, that they would disappear after our first time, but they didn't. Actually the more we had sex the less comfortable I felt and the less I wanted you to touch me. I'm so sorry Maura..." Jane finally confessed closing her eyes expecting Maura to bounced out off bed and slam the door behind her.

"Jane look at me. I understand why you didn't confide in me at the time. You always take care of people, making sure that they know how strong and confident you are and confessing your discomfort and fears would have probably made you feel weak or incapable of taking care of me. "Maura replied cupping Jane's face with her right hand.

" Damn I feel like a complete failure for not being able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve and admitting it was just not a option, I couldn't take the risk of appearing weak and loosing you."Pulling Maura closer to her tightening her grip Jane was finally facing her deepest fear : not being able to live up to Maura's expectations and the image she had of her.

"Oh Jane...Admitting and facing your fears doesn't make you weak. And besides I'm not with you for your badge or because you can kill a man with your bare hands but because you're the most caring, gentle and the sweetest person I ever met in my entire life. Even if you can be extremely strong and threatening when you're on the job, in your private life you're...so kind, respectful and attentive to my desires. That's what made me fall in love with you Jane, not your badge or your gun." Maura replied stroking Jane's mouth with her lips, kissing her tenderly.

"I know..."

"Actually, I need to apologize as well. I should have brought the subject up instead of assuming you were perfectly comfortable with your sexuality and that engaging in a sexual relationship would go as naturally and everything else between us. I should have realized that sleeping together wasn't something that was to be taken lightly, I'm sorry."

"Oh baby, don't apologize, as you said I always act like I'm confident and after years of keeping that mask on my face I became pretty good at faking."

"No Jane, don't minimize my lack of judgement. I know you and It has never been a secret that you're not always as confident as you want people to think. I suppose I was to eager to finally share your bed that I ignored the obvious." Suddenly facing her own failures Maura felt the guilt filling up her heart : she had been so frisky and eager to have sex with Jane that she consciously ignore Jane's discomfort.

"Well, I guess we both share the responsibility, but what do you think would have had happened if I had told you that I didn't feel comfortable in my body and that I didn't want you to touch me?Would you have accepted it?"

"Of course I would have Jane. Actually for the past two months I have been allowing you to make love to me without being able to reciprocate because I feel that's what you need. I just think that knowing about your fears and discomfort would have allowed me to accept and understand things more easily and it would have certainly helped you feeling less guilty about it. Actually I believe it would have allowed you to freely unleash your desires in a much healthier way."

"I know. God, every time we had sex I was so grateful that you allowed me to be the guy and that you understood and respected me enough not to try to touch me but it hurt me so much, seeing how frustrated you were afterwards just broke my heart. I don't want to hurt or cause you anymore frustration Maura. I don't want to let my fear dictate my behavior and hurt us anymore." Jane strongly stated.

"Me neither Jane and I'm glad that the dialogue is now opened between us and to the risk of becoming a lesbian cliche I really want us to talk about our feelings and desires from now on, okay?" Gently caressing Jane's cheek with the back of her hand Maura suddenly felt Jane had enough of being scared and was willing to fight to get better and after fearing that she had just given up she was relieved to see the determination and desire in her voice.

"Okay, but I'm warning you my desires might scare you a bit." Jane mumbled smiling uncomfortably.

"You could never scare me Jane. I love you and I'm willing to do everything you need me to do in order to help you, all you need to do is ask."Maura replied kissing Jane's forehead.

Holding Maura in her arms Jane was relieved that they finally got to clarify things and that they were both adult enough to admit their mistakes. Unfortunately as touching and comforting as Maura's unconditional support was it scared Jane to death. Up until now Jane had refrained herself in bed because she didn't want to hurt Maura or turn her into a submissive, experimental partner but the truth was that she had fantasies, needs that she never made come true and as tempting as Maura's proposal was being able to unleash or sexual desires to its full extend scared her to death. Yes Detective Jane Rizzoli has always been in control of her life, body, even thoughts, god knew control was important in her job and she was scared that even if loosing control in bed might actually help her feel more comfortable with her body it might actually hurt Maura even more. Unfortunately Jane felt she couldn't hold this sexual desires and frustrations inside anymore and could only hope that finding herself wouldn't mean loosing her better half.

So guys, I'm not dead, Im just slowly recovering from a huge author's block...
What do you think about this conversation?I think it was important for them to acknowledge their responsibility.

What do you think about Jane's desires?Do you think that she might have desires and fantasies that are so deep that they might scare or hurt Maura?Do you think she should go through with them or just continue to hold back even if she knows it might help her? God I hope I didn't confuse you, I realize this story is hard to follow if you don't pay attention lol!

Finally I wanted to thank you guys for the reviews, PM. This story has been so painful so write because it forces me to face my own weaknesses and to feel that you don't judge me and that you understand me makes me happy:) thanks!