Disclaimer: I do not own BTR, but if I did I would immediately move their show to ABCFamily or FOX so that there actually could be a boyxboy relationship ;)

"...I've had so many friends, but only one that mattered"

-Galinda 'Glinda' Upland to Elphaba Thropp, Wicked (A New Musical): The Untold Story of the Witches of Oz

January 21, 2012

Just this morning I was thinking-which I'm not too sure I do often- about my earlier times with Logan. I believe I was a mute back then, or if not to that extent, a man of few words. But anyways, it's ridiculous how I couldn't trust him back then, it's not like he is some heinous criminal or anything...

Fragment memories of our first nights were few and in between and when I asked Logan for details I couldn't help but blush. Shit, I do believe I sound like a young girl right now, but never mind that. That first night I think I was beyond helpless due to wounds and couldn't do much of anything so Logan helped to clean the injuries. When I say 'clean' yes I mean in a bath tub with soap and water. Vaguely, I remember Logan telling me it wouldn't be awkward because we were both guys but I can imagine now he was just being coy.

Due to how traumatized I still was, the ritual was repeated for about a week more. The exact facts of those nights are lost somewhere in my mind and I don't wish to become a nuisance, so I will not ask anymore of the events.

Why I am writing now is, one: I need to so I don't forget anything (which is obvious but every reminder counts) and two: Logan had to leave for a bit to meet with his friend Jo to 'discuss something important.'

It was riskier than ever being out here in the open streets of Detroit. With Lucy probably on a rage that I wasn't fulfilling her request and two deaths of my doing, the probability of being caught by someone had significantly increased. I never used to fear the police finding me. But when I think of Kendall- poor, innocent Kendall- and what could happen to him I did not return; it kept me on the edge.

Jo called me early this morning wanting me to come to her apartment immediately. There was something in the ton of her voice that was distressed...and on a much deeper level, flooding with self-loathing. Kendall was awake so I told him that I needed to see Jo to discuss something important that couldn't be put on hold and with a dangerous amount of faith he asked nothing.

By the time I reach Outlook Heights, many people are beginning to grace the street. The key to sneaking up into Jo's apartment was to be as casual as possible. This way, anyone in the lobby would dismiss me as an average visitor. Once, as I waited intolerantly for the elevator, the receptionist glanced over at me from his paperwork. I catch him looking over at me and greet lightly, "Hi."
He nods and says in a monotone voice, "Elevators broken, you're gonna have to take the stairs."

I aim a wide smile at him and adjust my sunglasses before turning and walking over to the stairwell. It isn't often that I go to Jo's apartment so I'm curious as to what she has to say. When I locate her room I knock on the wood as normally as a regular non-criminal person would.

"Who's there?" Jo's muffled voice asks.

"Who do you think?" I reply. There is the clanking of the door being unlocked before she is standing in front of me. Her gentle brown eyes are drenched in sorrow and from the way she's clad in only sweatpants and a tank-top, dirty blonde hair a snarled mess; I can tell she hasn't been doing much of anything.

"Come in," Jo sighs.

"You usually just come over to my home," I say, walking inside.

"Well, I couldn't risk having Kendall hear," Jo sighs, closing the door again before gesturing for me to sit on the couch in the center of apartment. Once we were both sitting down, I patiently awaited for her to speak. "She's pregnant," Jo mutters, sounding as if it was poison on her tongue.

"Camille?" I inquire.

"Yes, Camille," Jo grumbles. "It's Jett's baby. Lucy found that out for me and...She also figures by now you're not going to anything and warned me she's taking things into her own hands."

"You didn't want anything bad to happen to Camille...uh, or Jett, right?"

"No!" Jo snaps. "Lucy twists words around! She took the deal I made with her and spun it so that it would benefit her own murderous needs."

Maybe this was why Jo didn't know of the people I recently killed. She was too occupied with her own issue. "And...I suppose you're afraid she'll do something to harm the baby?" I muse.

"Yes, but..." Jo hesitates as if she is ashamed. "It hurts to know she'll never be mine." She smiles sadly at me and I wonder how she can be so disappointed over losing someone she hardly knows. How can Jo be so troubled over a girl who she could never possibly end up with? But then I think of Kendall. I think of how he makes me feel so human again, and I understand her pain. My arms wrap around her slender body and I keep her in my embrace, letting her cry quietly into my neck. After a few minutes of our silent communication, Jo has gathered her bearings well enough to speak again. "I won't be able to forgive myself if I sit back and let something happen to Camille's baby," Jo whispers, breathe tickling my neck.

"Stone's trouble but she's all bark and no bite. She bluffs. You shouldn't have to be worried," I assure, but I know what I'm telling Jo is a lie. It's something I don't like to think about often. I'll deny it again and again by shooting Lucy down, but there is no getting around the fact that if something happened to me, Lucy would assume command of the Disturbia criminal society.

"Liar," my blonde friend accuses.

I shrug and state, "I still have those profiles. Do you want them? Or should I, you know, put them in a shredder."

"Give them to me," Jo answers at once, pulling back from the hug. "I'll get them back to Camille."

"Jo," I say evenly, "Don't make excuses to see someone you're trying to forget. It'll do you no good."

Jo whips her eyes with the back of her hand. "Logan, let me handle this," she pleas.

And because of the way her brown eyes are containing the same kind of heartrending sadness that Kendall's emerald ones hold, I agree, "I'll give them to you some time."

"Thank you." Then, after a few seconds, she points out, "You've changed."

"Changed?" I snort.

"You're kinder. More sensitive, less bitter," Jo says amiably.

"Is that a good thing?"

Jo blinks and answers, "Yes, of course it's a good thing." She is looking into my eyes when she says, "You love him. Don't you."

"Let's not go there," I warn.

"But you do, Logan," Jo exclaims, "Don't you dare tell me you haven't got strong feelings for that boy."

I close my eyes and behind my eyelids I see Kendall bleeding in an alleyway with me by his side, waiting for Jo to arrive. I see me singing him to sleep for the first time. I see everything that made my feelings burn brighter.

I know I've to stop fighting it.

"Okay," I sigh, opening my eyes. "I love him, Jo. I'd kill for him...In fact I...I already did."

"What!" Jo hisses.

"It was his father."

"Logan-"

"Just listen. That Jeremy guy told me about his cousin Kendall whose father sold him to make money. Jeremy said Kendall had been missing ever since Hawk rented him out." I have to take a deep breath before continuing, "I was going to find Hawk and teach him a lesson but instead I was presented with the opportunity to vanquish the man who put Kendall through it all in the first place."

It takes Jo a while for everything to sink in. When it does she says quietly, "Now you want to find everyone who ever hurt Kendall. Don't you?"

"You know me so well," I mutter.

"Logan. I know you care about Kendall, but you can't give him the world."
"Exactly. Which is why I'm doing everything I can for him!"
Jo shakes her head. "Someone is going to report you!"

"No. They won't be stupid enough as to do that," I state, more or less saying it to convince myself.

Jo reaches forward and tightly grips my shoulders. "Logan, you have to promise me you won't kill anyone anymore. Being in hiding does mean you can't go off murdering people."

"Ugh..." I groan. "Jo..."

"Logan, promise me," she says in a commanding ton that I'd never imagine her to have.

And taking advantage of Jo's belief in my new image, I tell her, "I promise."

Then she nods and smiles in triumph. "Thank you, Logan," Jo says.

I'm a bit surprised she actually bought the lie, but I don't let my shock show. Knowing I'll have to get back to Kendall soon, I rise to my feet. "I'll call you later," I say and Jo gets up as well to open the door. Just before she closes it, I add quickly, "I almost forgot that after I spoke with Lucy, I was all pissed so I strangled some random woman, bye!"

"Wha-"

I reach forward and pull the door closed before Jo can protest. "Later!" I laugh.

"We're discussing this!" Jo exclaims from the other side.

But her words are lost in the sudden swell in my heart I have from finally admitting out loud that I love Kendall. It's almost more liberating than when I allowed myself to accept my sexuality.

When I return, Kendall is searching though the fridge. He glances over when I close the door. "Hey, Logan," Kendall says. "Where were you? No! Wait!" He closes the fridge and bounds over to the coffee table and grabs the notebook resting on its surface. Kendall flips through the pages, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. I'm about to say something when his eyes light up. "How was your 'important thing'?" Kendall asks.

"Uh, fine," I reply. Kendall nods, accepting the answer, and puts the notebook down again. I walk over to him and press a soft kiss to his right cheek before motioning for him to sit down. "I went to talk with Jo. Uh, Jo's my-"

"You're friend," Kendall says, pride in his voice for remembering.

I smile and nod. "Well, Jo was having some personal problems, but we talked it out. She'll be okay."

"Well, that's good," Kendall exclaims.

"Yeah..." I suddenly find my heart thundering inside my chest. This is it. I want to tell him now. I've come too far to keep my emotions hunkered down from Kendall. "Kendall, I need you to listen for a bit."

"Okay."

"When I first found you, in that alleyway, I felt...different. Different in a good way though. Then, as I was washing the blood away, seeing all of your scars made me want to protect you. I don't know why, I hadn't known you at all." I took in a deep breath, exhaled, then continued, "The more time I spent with you, the more I came to the conclusion of what those feelings meant."

Kendall moved his gaze up and down in genuine interest. "And what was that conclusion?"

"I...I love you, Kendall."

When he doesn't react, the crushing feeling of pure humiliation begins to take over. But then Kendall's eyes are watering and in a half a second, his lips have crashed into mine. I wrap my arms around his body and pull him against me.

"I don't remember what love feels like," Kendall confesses when we part, "But it...I think that...I think it's something like this." He brings his hands up to the back of my neck, bring me closer.

"To be honest; I don't know love all that well either," I say. "Maybe we can learn together."

Kendall smiles. "I wouldn't want it any other way." We both lean in and kiss again.

Clouded by these intoxicating moments, it almost seems possible to be human instead of someone so ghastly, they belong no where.

Love

Can drive a person insane

Hate

Can drive a person to murder

Fear

Can drive a person into isolation

Emotions

Can tear a person apart

But here I am feeling all three at once as I lay on the couch, Kendall pressed against the couch cushions beneath me. I didn't want to think about how this was going to fast; I didn't want to consider how this could very well be pushing too far. All that mattered to me in this intimate moment was when we kissed, all the problems that had ever etched there way into my mind smoothed over as if they never happened.

The love: Something I once believed I felt for Jo but soon found was just a cruel trick of the mind. A romantic form of love would never be for us. But what overpowered my heart whenever I was with Kendall; that was the love I so often found myself conflicted over.

The hate: But my friendship love towards Jo led me to murder a man which set the path for many more crimes to follow. My affections towards Kendall brought me to despise anyone who hurt him which had the power to turn my focuses to tracking down hoards of people to kill...

The fear: Something that naturally follows love. It is the very fact that you feel so strongly for someone that terrifies you. It's the knowledge that this person whom you care so deeply for could be both your salvation and your undoing.

In between desperate kisses, Kendall says, "There was. Something. I wanted. To ask. You…"

"Mmm, hmm?" I move off of him and he reaches for his notebook again.

I keep Kendall in my arms as he finds the entry. "What does music sound like? And the outdoors...would it ever be possible for me to see it again? The questions crossed my mind and I didn't want to forget to ask."

"Huh," I say. "How about this-I'll find I way to get you real music." That'll be easy. I can ask Jo if I can borrow her portable stereo. The second however... I'd need to be careful. But for Kendall...I'd already kill someone for his sake, I can manage scrounging a car to drive him out to see the world he's forgotten. "And I think I can arrange for you to see...outside."

Kendall's grin widens and he curls into my side and begins to write at a furious pace. With my arm around his waist, I watch him with an amused smirk.

For once in my life, things are okay.

Logan loves me. Me! Problematic me...It's an amazing feeling, 'love.' Everything inside me felt so light when he told me. There was a fluttering sensation in my stomach and I don't want it to go away.

Everything just get's better from there. Logan's going to find a way to help me hear real music and he'll try to arrange a time for me to emerge from home. Maybe I'll love it out there, maybe I'll hate it. Considering my only past I can manage to hold, I should be terrified. But with Logan, I don't think I have to be scared. Not anymore...

Now we can really get into the relationship, am I right? =)