Whipped Chapter 3: Perception, an evangelion fanfic

A/N: Chapter three is here and I'm beginning to wonder what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I'm using humor appropriately here, but whatever. I stumbled upon these lyrics on a forum as I was looking up "Best Lyrics" on yahoo. Surprisingly I found them after I wrote the bulk of this. So no, it's not my inspiration for this chapter. It just fit so well, I couldn't leave it out. Plus, everybody's doing the song/poem before chapter thing. Who would I be if I didn't jump on the passing bandwagon?

Whipped

Chapter 3: Perception

If she wants she will destroy you
But if you lay her down for a kiss
Her little heart it could explode
- Eels, Beloved Monster

Relax…

They told him to relax.

He was submerged in liquid and surrounded by the smell of blood (somewhere deep in his mind this would always equate to drowning) yet they told him to relax. And he did it. Because they told him to. And Shinji Ikari did as he was told.

Despite his desire to comply with their demands, relaxing was one thing that Shinji wasn't very good at. He realized that on the whole he was a very tense person. Enough people had told him this that he'd be a fool not to believe it. It wasn't that he wanted to be uptight or anything. In fact, he desired the exact opposite effect. He was sure that he could be calm too, if it weren't for the fact that he was always trying to calm himself down.

He once awkwardly voiced this fact to his superiors and they offered him a simple solution: distraction. They told him to close his eyes and go somewhere else. He countered this by rationally pointing out that he wasn't supposed to move the Eva during synchronization tests and that even if he was aloud to do so he wouldn't know where he was going if he had his eyes closed. They responded by telling him that he was an idiot. Then they told him to go somewhere else in his mind. Shinji did what he was told. And surprisingly, he found he was good at it.

He could go anywhere. Really he could. He could almost perfectly picture past events of his lifetime. Anything he hadn't already lived he could just as easily imagine. Sometimes he imagined worlds that were never meant to be and lives that had never existed. Other times he dredged up his nearest and dearest memories in High Definition.

He remembered the first time he'd played the cello… successfully. He remembered the day that his teacher's wife had decided to teach him to cook. He recalled the moment that Misato came to the train station to welcome him back home. And though much pain accompanied the memory, he recalled the first and only time that Asuka had said she loved him.

But this time, his mind focused on a more recent memory. This moment in time, like all the others, was one he would never forget.

----------

Shinji hadn't lied when he said he wasn't mad. Actually he wasn't angry at all. He wasn't even sure why she'd expect him to be. But this didn't mean that the boy didn't have strong feelings about the redhead's actions. It was these feelings that caused him to hesitate in waking Asuka up the next morning. Make note that this hesitation was not born out of desire to view the more aesthetic features of the second child. His hesitance was born out of pure and unadulterated fear.

"I'm being stupid," he said aloud. He knew it was true. She wouldn't hurt him. She wanted him to wake her up. Their punctuality depended upon it. She wouldn't be mad at him for touching her. Of course, not. She'd just wake up calmly and sweetly cut out his heart with her vicious stare of self-righteousness… that's all.

"I'm being stupid," he said again. It was 6:15 and at this rate they were going to be late. They already were going to have to take the trip to school at a rather brisk pace. Shinji figured that if nothing else she'd be ticked off about that. The longer he waited, the worse this situation was going to get. And still he didn't move.

"This is so dumb," he said. Asuka was his girlfriend (or something like it). He was not supposed to be afraid of his girlfriend, this much he knew. He braced himself both mentally and physically. He reached down his hand and hovered it over her shoulder. He took a deep breath. Sweat was trickling down his forehead.

"This is it," he thought to himself. "It's face her now, or face her never." With one last shaky breath, Shinji moved his hand from over the girls shoulder and hovered it over her alarm clock instead. He began the relatively simple task of setting it for exactly 2 minutes from the current time. He figured that would give him plenty of time to sneak out of the room, grab a piece of toast, and run to school before she could catch up to him and kill him. It turned out that "face her never" was the more desirable option for the boy.

"I'm such a coward," he said when the alarm was finally set.

"You'll get no arguments from me," said Asuka. Shinji's heartbeat came to a standstill. He didn't manage to move an inch before the girl sat up and wrapped her hand around his wrist. But he didn't try to run. He just stared into her eyes, paralyzed with fright. Her face was a mask of seriousness. It was quite unnerving.

"Asuka… I was just going to… wake you up… I was… just now…"

"You know I hate alarms."

"Yeah, I know."

"You're pretty pathetic, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

"If I wanted I could really hurt you. You know that, right?"

"I know." He didn't even bother to wonder why she would say such a thing.

"But I don't want to."

Shinji was silent. Asuka's mouth dipped downward into a frown.

"But you're hurt anyways."

"I… I'm just… we're probably going to be late."

There was a pull on his arm. Shinji remembered that quite well. It was quite a surprise. He remembered stumbling forward and even falling into Asuka a bit. He tried to pull himself up again, feeling that this whole thing was an accident somehow caused by himself. But there was a hand behind his head now. That hand was not letting go. The new hand (Asuka's right) pulled his head forward and in an instance Shinji saw that Asuka's head was moving forward as well. This was no slow motion though and there was quite a bit of pressure when the two heads collided… at the lips. Shinji almost pulled back in surprise, but he really had no chance since Asuka's hand was still behind his head. The pressure of the collision softened as she pulled her head back an immeasurable distance. It was enough to make the experience less forceful, yet not enough to cause the two of them to break contact. Then girl just held her lips against his lightly. In a way it almost tickled. And before Shinji could completely register this into tangible thought, Asuka had released his head and pulled back from him.

Shinji stared at a point on Asuka's face that rested somewhere between her nose and her upper lip. He wasn't quite aware that he was staring at anything. However, his eyes moved upward to meet hers when she began to talk.

"I want you to know that it's okay. I don't hold last night against you or anything. I've thought about it and I think I understand. You need something… you need to take something from this and that's okay. So as long as we're by ourselves you can have this. Understand? If you want it, you can have it."

In the silence that followed, her eyes bore furiously into his. The raw emotion displayed there told him all he needed to know. This wasn't a game, it wasn't a joke, and it most certainly wasn't fleeting passion.

This was a proposition. Of that there was no doubt.

Shinji found that he greatly desired what she had to offer.

----------

"Good job Shinji," said Misato's voice from the sound feed. There was something about her voice that Shinji always liked. Compassionate. It was the only word he could think of when trying to describe it. "You can come out now. Your sync ratio is up three percentage points. Whatever you're doing, keep it up!"

"Thanks Misato."

Sometimes reality moves slowly. It took Shinji a while to realize that his fingers were still touching his lips. It took even longer for him to realize the implications of Misato's words. He looked at his hands… they looked the same as always. He glanced at the entry plug's metal exit hatch. It showed no signs of changing. He looked back down to his hands and placed them on the metal exit hatch. As he opened the door, a strange yet powerful thought hit him.

I did a good job. With these hands of mine…

He realized in the moments to follow that his hands had absolutely nothing to do with sync ratios. For some reason this didn't seem to mater in the slightest.

----------

The halls of NERV are very wide and often empty. The chances of running into another human being at any given time are quite slim. On a good day you can even hear your footsteps echo. This is a fact that has been taken advantage of by many a NERV employee. At any given point in time (even during angel attacks) there is some lone person walking down the hall openly singing a catchy tune. Why even Rei Ayanami has been caught humming a segment of Dvorak's "New World Symphony" from time to time.

Shinji, however, had learned to refrain from such activities. In the beginning he had been timid, lightly humming bits of Ode to Joy and a piano concerto that he hadn't learned the name of. But as time went on he found that there really was no one around to hear him. He began to openly sing the notes in a series of "do do's" and "la da's". He even moved his hands to the beats in imitation of an orchestral maestro. Shinji knew that he held no particular talent when it came to the vocal arts, yet he was quickly discovering that these boisterous singing sessions were the highlight of his day.

But all good things must come to an end. During one particularly engaging vocal excursion, Shinji found himself expertly performing Beethoven's Bohemian Rhapsody. His hands were flailing wildly in the air as he lost himself in the moment. He was so utterly wrapped up in the experience that he failed to notice that he was not alone.

"F-Father!" he exclaimed once this realization dawned on him.

"Pilot," said Gendo with a nod as he walked passed the stunned boy. The man gave absolutely no indication that what his son was doing was odd. In a strange way, this made the situation even more awkward. However, what sealed the deal on the contract bid for "most embarrassing moment of Shinji Ikari's life" was what happened after his father had walked a bit farther down the hall. Shinji could never be sure, but he thought he heard a monotone "how queer" emanate from that general direction. In any case, he never sung in the hallways of NERV again.

So as he made his way towards the pilot locker rooms stifling silence surrounded him. While this silence was largely uncomfortable by nature, it provided him with a rare opportunity to observe certain things that he would otherwise not have noticed. For instance, the strange squeaking noise his shoes made as he walked, or the light swishing noise of his pants as his legs brushed by each other. That and you could hear the singing, humming, and whispered conversations of others from miles away.

"… coming a mile away. It was bound to happen really."

It only took Shinji a moment to recognize that voice. Compassion.

He could hear someone else speaking as well, but they were talking to softly for him to discern the words… not that he was eavesdropping. He couldn't help it. Misato wasn't being quiet by any stretch of the word.

"You just can't accept that my keen instincts picked up on this before you did," said Misato in petulant tones.

The second voice spoke again and Shinji recognized the speaker. It was the good doctor herself, Ritsuko. As he drew closer to the source of the sound the words became clearer. Not that he was straining to hear… it was just a natural response. That's all.

"… closer they are in proximity together the more they are drawn to each other. It's called the propinquity effect. And a second grader could have guessed it just as easily."

For a second Shinji thought he might have an idea what they were talking about, but what Misato said next pretty much blew his understanding out of the water.

"You make it sound as if you'd get the same results shoving a peacock and a hamster into a box!"

Ritsuko seemed virtually unaffected by this rather unusual argument presented by the major. She only paused for a moment before responding.

"No. It's an inherently homo sapien trait. But that's besides the point. Your theory could have been reached by anyone with the ability to put one and two together. There's no chemistry involved here. Just common sense."

"No chemistry!" cried Misato in near outrage. "Have you even looked at these numbers? Their scores went up at the same increment! The same increment! Even you can't explain that."

"I do admit that it's statistically improbable."

"Ha!" exclaimed Misato triumphantly. Shinji couldn't help but feel a little triumphant himself. Though he never quite showed it, he had always found Misato's enthusiasm to be infectious… if not a little embarrassing. But both of them were disappointed at the doctor's next words.

"However, we both know there have been much more improbable occurrences in the past of Project E. And even though this… incident… is somewhat intriguing, it would require extensive research to prove that it wasn't merely a fluke. And I for one don't have the time or the interest to look that deeply into this. Especially not for the simplistic purpose of proving you wrong."

Misato let out an indignant "humph!"

"You just can't accept the fact that there are things that extend beyond the realm of science. Things that you can't understand!"

"And you can't accept that this is not a fairytale with knights and princesses. This is the security of humanity. Not a soap opera."

"Did you discuss this theory with your cats while you were sitting by yourself in your dark lonely… How long have you been standing there, Shinji?"

Shinji (who could no longer pretend that he was not eavesdropping) had in fact been standing there in the doorway to Ritsuko's office for about a full minute, quietly listening to the discourse. But when he went to respond the only words that came out were "I… uh… umm… passing by… talking loudly… sounded interesting… didn't mean to…"

"Don't you know that it's impolite to listen in on grown-up's conversations," said the resident doctor. Shinji got the distinct impression that she must have been talking to a five-year-old standing behind his back. But when he glanced behind him, all he saw was an empty hallway.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Ritsuko sighed. "Never mind. Run along Shinji," she said with a wave of her hand. "Go play."

"Yes ma'am," Shinji replied dutifully as he quickly fled the room. But in his mind he thought 'Go play?'

After he was a decent distance away he heard the two women began to speak again.

"You know he is fourteen. Only a handful of years away from being a man. You don't have to talk to him like a four-year-old."

Shinji decided that he disagreed with Misato. Ritsuko was talking to him like a five-year-old, not a four-year-old. But he figured it really didn't matter, since the conversation obviously didn't pertain to him in the least.

After Ritsuko spoke her next words, he wasn't so sure anymore.

"Four or fourteen, he's still just a child. Complete with erratic behaviors and undeveloped brain patterns. So is she for that matter. And that's why it'll never work."

----------

On impulse, Shinji walked faster. He was generally not in a hurry to get… well anywhere. But when he got nervous, he couldn't help but accelerate his pace a bit. Given the situation he had much right to be nervous.

Misato knew!

And if Misato knew, then that meant anyone might know. It wasn't that he thought his guardian was a nosey incessant gossiper. That was never the problem. The real issue was that he knew Misato was a nosey incessant gossiper. Not only was Misato a horrible gossiper, she was also horribly good at it. He'd never seen a person spread information as quickly and accurately as her.

On one particular occasion he had found himself on the receiving end of this miracle of communication. Within a day of accidentally exposing himself to the woman (it wasn't his fault… especially when you took the bathing penguin into account) he had heard whispers about the size of his giblets throughout all of NERV. To this day Maya Ibuki could barely walk past him without blushing.

But maybe I'm overreacting to this. Sure Misato probably knows, but maybe she didn't tell anyone besides Doctor Akagi. I mean, when she spread that rumor about me before we barely knew each other. She was probably just surprised that some strange boy who she hardly knew was strutting around in front of her. I'm sure by now she's learned to use some discretion when talking about our personal lives. I mean, she knows that Asuka and I aren't the type of people who'd want to spread something like this around so she'd probably just keep the knowledge to herself. Right?

He was wrong of course.

"Hey there he is," said a technician as Shinji walked by. Though he knew it to be a fatal mistake, his feet ceased to move. He had seen the man working on the Evangelion on one occasion. He was polishing the armor protecting Unit-02's pinky toe. Currently he and a bunch of other employees were sitting at a table in the staff cafeteria.

"Congratulations sir." Though he held no rank, lower level employees often called him sir. It was a tad unsettling.

"Congratulations?" He played dumb. It was the smartest move he could make.

"Don't be shy," said a female employee who's face he just couldn't peg. Though she seemed relatively nice, her voice was just a tad bit too patronizing for his liking. "We're all very happy for the two of you."

"Yeah," said a man sitting at a table behind the two of them. "It's not often we get good news around here."

Shinji hated himself for blushing almost as much as he hated them for putting him on the spot like this. "Uh… Do you mean the sync ratios?"

Please be the sync ratios, please be the sync ratios, please be the sync ra-

Everyone laughed. "Sync Ratios!" exclaimed the pedicurist. "This kid!"

It was the "Yeah" man who spoke up next.

"I suppose you could call it a special kind of synchronization, if you know what I mean."

At this everyone laughed again. Even Shinji chuckled a little, if only out of nervousness. He was afraid that he knew exactly what the "Yeah" man meant.

"Well we won't keep you, sir," said the first tech. "I'm sure you want to get out of that getup as soon as possible."

Shinji looked down at himself and realized he was still wearing his plug suit. Of course he was. The whole purpose of this trip was to make it to the men's locker room. He certainly hadn't walked all this way with the intentions of being severely embarrassed and having his secrets exposed to the world. So yes, he did want to get out of there as soon as possible.

"Goodbye," he said awkwardly and continued to walk towards the locker rooms.

"Just try not to let your synchronizing distract you from you duties, sir."

It was the woman, of course. He knew there was a reason he didn't like her.

As the cafeteria erupted in raucous laughter Shinji silently wondered, "Why'd she have to say it like that?"

----------

Okay, calm down. It's not that bad… maybe it's okay. I'm sure it's just the people in the staff cafeteria who know about it. Only them… and Misato… and Dr. Akagi. Yeah. Surely Asuka hadn't found out yet. She went to the locker rooms pretty quick. So…maybe she has no idea.

And maybe she's been walking around in a soundproof box ever since the test.

Shinji was not a convincing rationalizer.

As he made his way into the men's locker room he realized that he was sweating into his plug suit. This just wasn't good. The whole of NERV knew about his relationship with the second pilot. Misato would probably tease him to kingdom come. And to top it all off, he now smelled like both blood and sweat. But at least he wouldn't have to worry about it for much longer. Asuka was surely going to murder him the first time she had the chance (I don't say things I don't mean).

And then a crazy thought entered his head. One that overpowered all the rest.

I want to live!

He ran the rest of the way to the men's locker room, threw off his plug suit as fast as he could, and hopped into the shower before the water even had a chance to warm up. Grabbing a rag and bottle of body wash he quickly went to work with cleaning up. In less than two minutes he was out of there and drying off. The clothes came next. He put his jeans on two legs at a time. His shirt somehow ended up backwards. His socks were inside out, but for some reason they actually felt good that way. But there was no time to contemplate this, as he had to move fast.

If I hurry up and get out of here I can probably make it back home before Asuka and Misato. I'll grab a bunch of clothes and throw them in my backpack. Definitely grab the winter coat… who knows how long I'll be out there on my own? And maybe I'll take some money from Misato's secret stash. It's not like she doesn't owe me about half a paycheck. I could use it to put myself up in a hotel for a few nights or so… just like a little vacation before I start my life on the streets. And after that I'll just live in a shelter or something and beg on the corners in the city. I could play my cello with the case open. That way I'm earning the money, not just being one of those lazy good-for-nothings that Asuka's always complaining about. And then when I get lonely I'll go find a stray dog and feed it. And it'll follow me everywhere. We'll be the best of friends…the only companion I'll have in a sad lonely world… maybe I'll name it Asuka. Nah, too cliché. I'll think of the name when the time comes. I'm sure that if I brush up on my playing, the dog and I'll be able to eat and live our lives peacefully. And then maybe…

"What the heck am I thinking?" asked Shinji aloud.

"That's what I want to know."

Shinji froze. Why was Asuka behind him? Why did her voice sound so low and jagged? Why wasn't he currently running for his life? He didn't even turn around. He just sat there, shaking in fear.

"I offer myself to you. I treat you nicely. I let you closer than… than anybody else. I told you that I… that I love you." She spit those words with poison. It was quite possibly the worst thing Shinji had ever heard. "And then you have the nerve… you have the-the audacity… to go behind my back and betray me like this!"

"Sorry?"

Wrong answer. Before he could begin to react she had grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. Shinji let out a pained "Ah!" He was relatively sure that his arm wasn't supposed to bend that way.

"Who did you tell?"

"I just… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to- AHHH!"

She twisted it.

"Who did you tell?"

"It was only one person and it slipped out by- AHHH!"

"Who was it?"

"It was Mr. Kaji. I swear I didn't tell anyone el- AHHH!"

"You told Kaji!" she yelled. "Out of all the people you could have told you had to pick him!"

"Sorry, I- GEEZE!"

"I can't believe you!"

"It wasn't my fault… he – he tricked me!"

"Tricked you? How?"

"I don't know… I was doing your laundry. And then we were talking about all the chores I do. And he said you were a cow -OWW!- he said it not me! And he said I wasn't getting anything from you, but I told him that wasn't true. But he wouldn't believe me. So I said that I milked you –AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! God my arm!"

"Save it Shinji!" She was beyond reasoning with. "I only asked one thing of you. One simple thing, and you couldn't even do that."

Two fingers went into the crevice between his neck and his shoulder blade. Though Shinji had never been, he imagined that it hurt like Hell.

"I trusted you Shinji!" she yelled adding more pressure with the two fingers. "And you let me down."

"AH! Please! I'm sorry!"

The next words she spoke were delivered in a low emotionless monotone. It was decidedly worse than the shouting.

"You don't talk anymore. You don't look at me, you don't speak to me, you don't breathe my air."

The fingers dug their way deeper still. Shinji couldn't remember ever feeling so much pain.

"When you think of me, you remember this pain." If he hadn't been in a world of suffering, Shinji might have been shocked to hear her voice wavering with emotion at her next words.

"You remember how it feels to be stabbed in the back."

The fingers dug in at full strength. She wasn't holding back anymore. The last thing he heard before he passed out was the sound of his own deafening screams.

----------

Thud thud thud th-thud thud thud th-th-thud th-thud th-thud thud thud thud

Typing… for some reason there was never any confusion as to what the sound was. Still Shinji found it odd to be waking to such a sound when he was obviously still in the locker room dying from the pain that Asuka had inflicted on him. But upon opening his eyes and closely observing the material of his button down shirt he realized that he had his head in the crook of his left elbow. Upon closer observation he realized that he was sitting in a semi-padded office chair, which just happened to be stationed in a location that looked nothing like the men's locker room. Upon the raising of his head and even closer consideration, Shinji realized that he was in fact in an office and not in the locker room. And based upon the face of the man sitting opposite him, still typing on his desktop computer, this was the office of one Ryoji Kaji.

Shinji understandably groaned.

"Ah, good morning sunshine," said the man without raising his head from it's view of the monitor. "It's good to see you're among the living. I thought we lost you there for a second."

"lost me?" asked the boy.

"You were laying on the ground unconscious and breathing heavily. I thought you were having a heart attack or something. But after I flipped you over, you looked all right so I lugged you back here. Figured you just needed a little rest or something."

Shinji tried his best to wrap his head around the situation. He concluded that he did not like being indebted to the man who caused the whole situation in the first place. It made him feel dirty.

"Thanks…" he mumbled reluctantly.

"No problem kid. If there's anything I've learned, it's that us men have to look out for our own." Kaji winked good-naturedly, an act that Shinji found quite unsettling. The man threw a passing glance at the boy's arm. "It's a vicious world out there…as you're now well aware of."

"I can't feel my arm anymore…" said Shinji sadly. There was little shock associated with this realization. Only a grim awareness.

"Don't be dramatic."

"I'm serious. I've been trying to move it for a while now… but it just sits there."

Kaji grimaced. "Well why didn't you say something?"

"It's not really that bad," said Shinji conversationally. "I'll just learn to use my left hand more. I'm sure it won't effect my piloting much at all. And I'm sure Mr. Karosaga will understand if my handwriting is a little off." Shinji smiled softly. "And before long I'll be a regular functioning person. And maybe by then Asuka will be able to stand the sight of me long enough to be in the same room without desiring to break my other arm as well."

His eyes were red and watery. Kaji was moved to compassion. It was quite a pitiful sight.

"Ah, suck it up kid," he said comfortingly. "I'll take a look at the arm. I doubt it's that bad at all."

"Suck it up?" asked Shinji incredulously. "Is that all you have to say to me?"

Kaji shrugged. "Pretty much."

"This is all your fault! I told you about us in… in manly confidence! And in less than a week everybody knows about it!"

Kaji shrugged again. "Yeah, you probably should have kept it to yourself. Now do you want me to look at the arm or not?"

"Kept it… to myself… I…You… I can't believe…"

Shinji wracked his brain wildly for some sort of retort, but came up dry. In the end he just sighed and bowed his head down to his chest. Kaji took this as a yes. The man made his way over to the boy and began to examine his arm.

"hmm…" he said reflectively. Shinji paid him no mind. Kaji commenced his poking and prodding.

"hmm..." he said again. Shinji continued to stare at his legs. "Well nothing looks broken or dislocated. So that's good."

Shinji let out a noncommittal grunt.

"Did you feel anything I just did?"

Shinji shook his head.

"Then it's probably neurological." The man concluded. "Tell me what she did."

"She just twisted it behind my back," said Shinji quietly. "It hurt a lot."

"Did she do anything else?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Well… she did pres into this one part on my shoulder. That hurt a lot too."

Kaji moved his right hand up to Shinji's shoulder.

"Did she touch you here?"

"I told you, I can't feel a thing."

Kaji took a short breath. "Then look at it."

Shinji raised his head to see where the man was resting his fingers.

"That's not the spot… it was a little higher."

"Was it here?"

"No, that's too high."

"How about here?"

"No, you're still too- OWWW, AH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"Yep, it's there."

"Let go! It hurts!"

"It's about to hurt a lot worse."

"What do you mean worse? What are you going to- JESUS!"

Kaji relentlessly pressed two fingers into the hollow of Shinji's shoulder. The boy let out a small stifled scream.

"Why the heck did you do that!" he yelled.

"It's a pressure point," Kaji explained. "She got you at a pressure point."

"Well, you didn't have to go and get me there too!"

"How's the arm?"

"Good, but that's besides the-" Shinji cut himself off.

There was a small pause in conversation before Kaji said, "You're welcome." Naturally Shinji was still a bit sour.

"Well it still hurts a bit…"

"That's to be expected."

"And my fingers feel really numb…"

"It'll take a few minutes for the blood to start flowing back that way. She got your nerve pretty darn good."

"She hate's me," said Shinji with a bit of a crack at the end. He was glad he had full use of both arms again. He was finally able to put his head in his hands.

"Come on, kid. It's really not that bad."

"Yes it is… she hates me."

"Did she say that?"

Shinji raised his head up a tad. "No… but it's true."

Kaji sighed.

"Well what did she say?"

"A lot of things…"

"What was the worse?"

"She said that I stabbed her in the back."

"But did she actually break up with you?"

"Might as well have."

"But did she?"

"No…" Shinji admitted reluctantly. His head went back into his hands. "I just wish… why couldn't I keep my mouth shut?"

"Cheer up kid," said Kaji placing a hand on his shoulder. Shinji stiffened at the contact. "She passed."

"Passed?"

"That's right, passed."

"What are you talking about?"

Kaji was only mildly annoyed at his ignorance. "You're still together. So she passed the test."

"You mean… this was a test?"

He was clearly going to need time to wrap his mind around this.

"Yup," the older man said with a crooked smile. "Congratulations, she really likes you kid." Shinji didn't quite buy it.

"How do you figure?"

"You're pretty slow, you know that?"

"Yeah I know… bu- wait!"

"It's pretty simple really. She told you explicitly that revealing your relationship to anyone was a deal breaker. But the deal still stands. That means that…" he made a gesture indicating that the sentence should be finished for him, but Shinji didn't quite catch on.

"It means that she likes you," said Kaji with a shake of his head. "I just said it two seconds ago."

"But she nearly broke my arm," Shinji persisted.

"It was nothing permanent. Not even long lasting damage."

Shinji frowned. "But I don't get it. If she likes me, then why would she try and hurt me to begin with."

"She was scared."

"She didn't sound scared," said Shinji remembering the raw hatred in her voice.

Kaji sighed.

"Look kid. The girl thinks she's got you under her thumb. And for the most part she's right. She says jump and you jump. You don't ask how high because you don't really have to. She's already told you."

"She's not like th-" Kaji easily cut him off.

"But when you pull a little stunt like you did today-"

"But I didn't pull any-"

"Then she starts to think that maybe, just maybe she doesn't have as much control as she thought she did."

"But I don't see how that would make her-"

"So she feels that she has to remind you (and herself) of the authority that she has. But she can't do that with out cracking a few eggs. And that is why she momentarily crippled your arm."

Shinji took a second to let this sink in. He supposed it made sense on some level, but part of it was still a mystery to him. He thought about it for a moment and came up with a conclusion.

"She hates me."

Kaji groaned. "She doesn't hate you. She's just really ticked off right now."

"But if she's not happy with me, what am I supposed to do?"

It did nothing for Shinji's self-esteem to hear Kaji laughing.

"What do I do if she's not happy with me?" said Kaji in a mockingly nasally voice. "It's a miracle you made it past the age of 7."

"I'm serious!"

"So am I, kid. If you're honestly that bothered with someone being just a little mad at you then you might as well lay down and die now. It'd be a lot quicker and a lot less painful."

"She paralyzed my arm!"

Kaji shrugged. "A mere technicality. What you're failing to realize is that by this time next week she'll have forgotten about the whole thing… well she probably won't forget it since she is a female and all… but the whole thing will be water under the bridge."

Shinji put his head back in his hands. It fit well there.

"I wish I had your optimism," he said pitifully.

"Trust me kid, I give it a week, two weeks max and she'll have you eating out of her hands again."

Shinji frowned. "Don't you mean?… oh." He decided to take the shot in stride. Maybe that was the best option he had. Every time he made a big deal of these things they only got worse.

"So," he said feeling a little less hopeless. "I guess I just apologize and wait until she's not mad anymore."

"Not exactly. If you apologize, that makes you wrong."

"But I was wrong."

"No, you weren't. You just made a small isolated mistake which she blew out of proportions damaging both your relationship and your personal mental health."

Shinji laughed bitterly. "Asuka will never see it that way. Even I don't buy that."

Kaji smiled viciously. Shinji wasn't sure if people should be able to smile like that… with that look of utmost confidence.

"That's because it's bull crap."

"huh?"

"Bull crap. In this case, a complete fabrication designed to put a positive light on an otherwise negative situation."

"I can't… I can't lie to her. I suck at it… and I'd feel bad."

"I thought you'd say that," said Kaji, smile firmly in place. "What you fail to realize is that lying is not a process of having the other person buy your crap, but a process of you selling your crap to them."

"Hmm" said Shinji. It wasn't an 'I'm interested' hmm, but more of an 'I'm skeptical and really don't trust you because you got me in this mess in the first place' type hmm.

"Think of it this way. The world is ruled by perception. We judge things by the way they are presented to us. If you paint a shack and move in furniture, it's a house. If you give a bum a bath and dress him in a tux, he's a gentleman. If you sprinkle parsley in tomato soup and give it a fancy French name, it's a gourmet meal. It's all about that way you put it out there."

For a moment Shinji thought about this intently.

"But how do I sprinkle parsley into my soup?"

"Out of all the analogies you had to pick that one?"

"I… well… you said it first," Shinji stuttered.

Kaji ignored him.

"You play this one by ear kid. You pay attention to everything she does. Every time she throws a biting remark at you, every evil glance you receive, and each and every time you see those frigid cold shoulders, I want you to make a tally in your head. You will not apologize and you will not look pitiful. You will wait her out. And when you find that the tallies on her emotional abuse go down, that's when you make your move."

"My move?" The concept was as foreign to him as quantum physics.

"Yes, your move. You're going to approach her carefully. And you're going to invite her out on a date."

"A… date?"

"Yes a date. Try to stay with me here."

"Right…"

"Chances are she'll turn you down. Not so much because she's still mad at you, but more because you haven't been showing her any of the heart-wrenching remorse that she expected to see out of you. But what you do is, tell her that you want to make things up to her. No. You are not apologizing. You are making things up to her. And if she still doesn't bite you take her to someplace fancy."

Shinji paled. "Fancy?"

"Really kid you're killing me."

"Sorry…"

"You take her someplace she's never been before. Maybe that nice Italian place off the corner of main. Or that new Cajun spot that just opened up by the old JSSDF military depot. She'll jump at that."

"But what if she doesn't?"

"Then you get down on your knees and beg," Kaji stated plainly. At the look on Shinji's face he added, "But it probably won't come to that."

Shinji was hardly reassured. Kaji hardly cared.

"So when you get there you take things slow. You order your food, make small talk, and do everything you can to avoid talking about what happened. And then you wait for a silent moment. That one moment when your eyes meet and you see that look on her face that says, 'I'd forgive you if only you said the right thing'. You gaze into those beautiful blue eyes of hers and you let yourself get lost. You fake nothing with this girl because she'll be sure to sense it. You just feel the emotion naturally flowing between the two of you."

His voice dropped a few octaves for dramatic effect.

"And then you say the following: 'I'm sorry if what I said and/or did hurt you'. Remember this. You're not sorry that you said/did what you said/did, but you're sorry that it hurt her. And you leave a little pause here so that those words can sink in. Now comes the bull. 'I just…' stop again, let her know this is hard for you to say. Then go on and never look back. 'Being with you these few weeks have been the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. When I look into your eyes, it's like heaven on Earth. And even though I wanted to keep this a secret for you I couldn't. I had to tell someone because I just…' Smile at her here. The best smile you've got. Spare nothing. Then you put your hand on top of hers like so," It seriously creeped Shinji out to have another man hold his hand, "you summon the most honestly honest and most sincerely sincere voice you have and say, 'I can't believe that I have someone as beautiful as you in my life.'"

Shinji stared at Kaji wide eyed. "And you think she'll fall for that?"

"Hook, line, and sinker."

"Hmm…" said Shinji. This hmm had a more contemplative quality. "I don't know."

"There's nothing to know, kid. Just do what I say and it'll all work out fine." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. After a little rustling through several compartments his fingers withdrew holding two bills which he promptly extended to his young counterpart. After some small gesturing, Shinji was persuaded to take them. While examining the bills, his eyes widened in shock.

"But this is-"

"I know how much it is," said Kaji dismissively. "And I want my change back when you're done. I know where you live."

"I can't… I can't take this much…"

"Think of it as a gift from one man to another. A friendly favor which can always be returned in due time."

"I…" Shinji frowned. Then despite himself his lips twisted upward into a small smile. "Thank you Mr. Kaji."

"Don't sweat it, kid. Thank me when that girl of yours is back on your arm again."

Shinji had never held that much money in his entire life. The meager allowance that Misato awarded him with paled in comparison. Maybe if he had had the forethought to save up his money, he wouldn't be quite as shocked to see such a large sum in his possession. But as things stood he was left in awe, fumbling blindly for the right words to say in order to express his gratitude. He was spared the trouble when Kaji spoke up again.

"Now get out of here. I've got work to do."

"Huh?"

Kaji point to his desk and spoke slowly. "Office. Computer. Work."

"Oh. Yeah…" said Shinji. He felt a little guilty as he realized that his personal problems had distracted the man from his duties. "Sorry about that…"

"Don't apologize. Just say bye."

"Uh… bye?"

"See ya kid… and shut the door behind you."

"Oh… okay," said Shinji. As he got up and walked out he uttered a final quiet, "Thank you."

Although he couldn't quite remember the last time he'd been kicked out so rudely, he thought that his shack would look a lot nicer with this new coat of paint.

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Much love to Eric Blair for pre-reading this one. Gracias mi compadre.

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OMAKE!:

Shinji, after one particularly scaring incident, had learned to refrain from such activities.

He was walking through the hall on a day like any other, mindlessly humming some Bach to himself when he heard a loud voice coming from the direction in which he was heading. As he got closer the words became distinct and he realized the person was trying (but failing) to sing.

"Where it began
I cant begin to knowin
But then I know its growin strong"

Wait a second… thought Shinji warily. I think I know that voice…

"Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Whod have believed youd come along"

I do know that voice… but it can't be!

The voice began to slowly crescendo.

"Hands, touchin hands
Reachin out
Touchin me"

As Shinji aproached an intersection the singer in question popped out from around the corner.

Who would have guessed that it would be none other than Gendo Ikari singing "TOUCHING YOU!" at the top of his lungs? Shinji was flabergasped.

"Fa-fa-fa-father?" asked Shinji.

The comanders head snapped down with annoyance to address his inconsiderate son. Couldn't the boy tell that musical genius was in progress?

"Pilot." He responded back with some reluctance. Then without further words he continued to make his way down the hall.

"SWEET CAROLINE, WAH WAH WAAAAAHH! GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOOD!"

Needless to say, Shinji never sung in the hallways of NERV again.

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AN: Well that's it I guess. I was going to add more to the chapter, but I figured I'd waited long enough to update judging by a few reviews I've gotten. (I suppose I am somewhat of a quote unquote "lazy bastard"). In any case, this is what I've been working on all that time… okay not really. Most of the time I've been slacking off and doing nothing. But for a small percentage of "all of that time" I've been working on this. So I hope you liked it and I hope I didn't cut the chapter off at a bad place. May raptor jesus be pleased... (who knew that raptors had their own Jesus?)

Also, when I say bohemian rhapsody, I'm not talking about the queen version. I'm talking about the classical one. And the song that Gendo sings is "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond. And yes… I guess I do listen to Neil Diamond. And no… I'm not THAT old. I'm still a kid in college and whatnot. And no I'm not going to offer any proof of that.