AN: As usual it took me quite some time to get this one out there. But as unusual (I know that's not a proper phrase) this chapter has a few odd quarks about it that should set it apart from all the others before it… and all the others after it (maybe). You could almost call it the black sheep of Whipped. The first of these quarks is that I'm keeping track of the date. Also, incase you haven't noticed by the large increase of the stories word count, this is a freaking long chapter. It seems I'm getting long winded. Well, anyways… I hope you enjoy it. And if you have to read it in two sittings, then do what you must.
Whipped
Chapter 4: Separation
Day 1 - Monday
"Hello?"
"My shack looks like crap, Mr. Kaji! It looks like complete and utter crap!"
"Whoa… calm down there kid."
"I threw on the paint… I threw it all on, every bit you told me and it still looks like crap!"
Kaji moved the phone a few inches away from his ear.
"I realize that you're stressed, but there's nothing I can do until you calm down."
Through the receiver he could hear ragged breathing slowly diminish to a rattling wheeze. In time the wheeze turned to something almost resembling the respiration of a normal human being.
"Now what happened?"
"I don't know… I think I… I don't know."
"That's real helpful," He said dryly. "Anymore useful info you've been hiding from me?"
"I just… I think I… God…I think I ruined everything."
"Uh-huh…"
"Well I was just sitting there on the couch watching TV. And then she walks in and she sits right next to me. Not on the other side of the couch, but right next to me. And I look over at her and she's staring at me. And she doesn't even look mad… she just has this horribly depressing look on her face. And I can't help but think that it's all my fault that she looks like that. So then I feel really really bad, but I turn back to watch TV because you said I should ignore her. But then when I look back over to her she's still looking at me and she looks just as depressed as ever. And then I felt even worse, so I just turned back to the TV. But when I looked back she was still looking at me."
"Uh-huh…"
"So then I just felt… I don't know… I wanted her to stop feeling so bad and I wanted her to stop looking at me like that because it was making me miserable… so then I put my hand on her shoulder. But she pulled away and she got really angry and she yelled 'don't touch me' and I was sorry I even bothered."
"But then even as I was pulling my hand back, I was looking at her face and I saw her go from looking angry to looking really really sad again. And I felt ten times worse, because she was sad. And I just couldn't take it. So I started apologizing and I said I was sorry and-"
Kaji's free hand went straight to his forehead.
"Jesus kid, I told you not to apologize!"
"I know, I know! But that look she gave me… it looked like she was about to cry. And she was so close to me and her eyes were so… and-"
"And she played you like a French horn! We had a plan Shinji. What happened to the plan?" said Kaji as he pinched at the bridge of his nose. He was already anticipating the headache that was sure to follow Shinji's answer.
"Well when she started saying that she wouldn't forgive me in a million years, I remembered the plan. And I…. You're not going to like it… but I asked her to go out to get some Cajun food."
"You what!"
"I know! And then she said she wouldn't go out with me if the very existence of mankind depended upon it. So I did just as you said… I got down on my knees and I pleaded with her."
"Shinji that was a joke! Please tell me you're not serious."
"But she wouldn't listen anyways. And she said that she lost any shred of respect for me that she might have still had. And then she just left to her room. And she slammed the door behind her. And I felt bad…"
"You should feel bad! You blew everything!"
"You don't have to rub it in my face!" Kaji would have thought it impossible, but Shinji's voice actually went up an octave at this exclamation.
For quite some time silence reigned. If it hadn't been for the absence of a dial tone, Kaji would have thought the boy had hung up.
"So have you even thought about what you're going to do?" he asked as his frustration with the boy slowly began to diminish.
"I thought about it a little after the tears subsided…"
"…And?"
"I got nothing. That's why I called you."
Kaji sighed.
"I already told you what to do," he said. "All you had to do was stick with the plan."
"I know…"
And silence.
"Can you help me?"
"I don't think anyone can."
There was another stretch silence in which Kaji realized he might have just cut a little too deep. The older man sighed.
"Look kid… for now we'll just stick with the plan."
"But I ruined the plan…"
"We'll pretend like none of that ever happened."
"How can we just pretend?"
"Are you going to ask questions, or are you going to listen to my advice?"
Shinji shut up.
"You do what I said. You keep the tally of what she does in your head and you wait for her furry to settle down. When she stops treating you like the most disgusting human being on earth you ask her out again. And not a moment before that."
"But that didn't work the first time…"
"Trust me. It'll work. You just have to ask from a position of power. You need to wait until she wants you back and not the other way around. But now that you've done all this… who knows how long that'll be."
"I'm sorry…"
"Well sorry doesn't fix crap."
"Yeah…" Shinji sounded pathetically sad. "Thanks for helping me."
"You're welcome kid… it might still work out in the end."
"Yeah… I guess. I should probably get going."
"Go get some sleep. You sound tired."
"I am a little… I guess."
"Goodbye Shinji."
"I'm sorry I'm such a screw up," said Shinji. Then the line went dead.
Kaji couldn't think of a worse way to end a conversation.
----------
Day 4 - ThursdayThe universe is contained within a single blade of grass.
Rei was almost positive that at some point in her life she had read this in a book. She believed that it was something that King wrote, but she could never be sure. Somewhere along the line this knowledge had ceased to be fiction and blurred into fact.
There were times when her heart stopped while looking out the classroom window overlooking the courtyard. The courtyard was surrounded by walls on all sides. The whole area was lined with grass and a sprinkler system had been installed to keep it all looking luscious and green. In the center stood a tall leaning tree that had recently begun to produce cherry blossoms. Currently they were only buds, but in time their pedals would unfurl to reveal themselves as the beautiful flowers they were destined to be. For a while these flowers would thrive with the spirit of life, granting the fruits of their beauty for all to behold. With time their petals would fall bringing light to the darkening paths that none dare tread upon. In due season these petals would disappear completely. Decaying into the ground and strewn about by westward winds. But the tree, now a gnarled web of barren twigs and branches, would still stand regardless of the season.
These were things Rei understood for they were predictable and boring beyond belief. Though disguised in a mask of eternal summer, the season's change could still be told without a calendar. For there are some things that man nor angel can change. And though they try to change the seasons, the seasons are internal. They exist within the heart of all living things and change with an authority that none can question. You did not need fall to turn leaves reddish brown, nor winter to make then fall, excessive exposure to the sun, and the life span of those lives were written in stone and blood, unmovable, unchanging…the earth could be thrown into a perpetual state of never ending summer nights, but the sun and the starts and the moon remain the same. And all plants, mammals and minerals are bound by the laws of life and death.
And as she gazed at the classroom through the reflection of the window, she observed that things were shifting.
A change had occurred in the seasons of man.
----------
Toji wasn't the smartest kid in class. He never claimed to be. In all honesty he never found intelligence to be all that important. He'd seen too many kids worrying so much about some project or test that they forgot how to relax for a little bit. They forgot how to smile.
Nah, eggheads came and eggheads went, and if you ask them where they've been even they can't tell you. So what was the point in being smart if you couldn't even kick back a bit and look around you. Take a little time to actually see what's happening. And that's just what Toji did. He tried not to miss a thing. He observed every detail that passed in front of his eyes, even if some where beyond his comprehension. After all, one can never be sure if they'll ever see the same sights again. Not in this uncertainty. But detailed observation was sort of difficult to achieve while eating lunch.
He took another bite of a rice ball provided by the school's "free meal" system. It was times like these that he was glad he wasn't a picky eater. It wasn't that the cafeteria food was necessarily bad. He was sure that at one point or another it had probably been a decent meal. What concerned him, however, was how long ago it had been since the food could reasonably be considered edible. He didn't believe for a second that this was a "freshly cooked" meal. But at least the weather was nice today. And he had his friends to sit beside him. "Count your blessings," someone once said to him a long time ago. He thought it might have been his mother. Or maybe his little sister. Sometimes it was hard for him to see the differences between them.
"I don't know why you always eat so fast," said Kensuke. He himself had barely taken a bite out of some energy bar and was moving on to a sandwich. He was one of those weirdoes who have to slowly nibble a bit of everything, and it drove Toji crazy. "We've got a whole half an hour to finish and the food sure isn't going anywhere."
"It's not like I'm going to savor it," he retorted. "This stuff's probably a few weeks old or somethin'."
"Does that mean you have to woof it down like a canine?"
"Yes."
"Shinji, can you believe this guy?" said Kensuke poking his thumb at Toji. Shinji merely looked around as if he was confused. It looked to Toji as if he'd been staring off at that group of girls where the class rep and the devil usually ate their meals. Usually he was the first person to advocate the lunchtime sport of "girl gazing" but as he stole a discrete glance at his friend he couldn't help but be a little embarrassed for the guy. The way Shinji stared openly at them made him want to grab him by the shoulders and yell have your look but be a little discrete about it would ya?
"Ah, you're no fun," said Kensuke with a wave of his hand. He then said to Toji "The kid's zoning out on us again."
Shinji shrugged. "I was just… thinking."
"Riiiggghht…" said Kensuke. "Thinking… is that what they're calling it now adays."
"It's not like that!"
"Yeah, give him a break, Ken," said Toji. "It's not his fault that he can't keep his eyes in his sockets. Some of those girls are pretty hot."
"Yeah… wait, no! I wasn't-"
"Toji, you're only saying that because he's your boyfriend. I'm surprised you're not jealous. I guess you've got one of those 'look but don't touch' deals going on or-"
But he never got to finish, as he was much too busy dodging the wild swing that Toji threw his way. He easily avoided it. It was more or less expected.
"Hey, don't get mad at me. I'm not the one your boyfriend is staring at."
"Shut up Kensuke!" said Toji, but anyone could tell he wasn't really all that mad.
The three of them returned to eating their meals. Meaning, Toji continued to devour his mercilessly, Kensuke nibbled like a rabbit, and Shinji pushed his around while staring off at the girls in the distance.
But Toji had never seen a guy look so depressed while checking out chicks.
----------
Day 6 – SaturdayUpon entering the Katsuragi household, both Asuka and Shinji visibly paled. There was a strange, yet not entirely unpleasant aroma wafting through the air that neither of them could quite recognize. It was something akin to ramen, garlic, hot sauce, and nearly curdled milk. Add in the sight of Misato holding tongs and a stirring spoon and there was only one logical conclusion. The woman had made another painful attempt at cooking.
Aside from NERV itself (and by extension Ritsuko Akagi), there was really no one to blame. There seemed to be a mutual consensus among the higher ups that with the absence of school, the weekends were the perfect time to schedule sync tests. The longer and more experimental, the better. It didn't matter that the children were beginning to forget what free time looked like, so long as they had their precious data.
Misato, taking pity on the overworked and tired youths, had taken the liberty to greet the pair with the edible equivalent of food poisoning.
After the two of them finished their desperate search for the nearest exit, a sense of inevitability washed over them. She had already seen them. There would be no escape. Resistance was futile.
"You cooked…" said Asuka with a forced smile firmly in place. "You never cook."
The woman in question frowned slightly. "Well I know I haven't been doing much around the house. So I thought I'd make you dinner tonight. They've been working both of you pretty hard and I had off of work, so I said to myself, 'What the heck. Why not whip up some ramen for the kids.' And here we are."
She smiled brightly and pointed at the strange concoction placed at the center of the table.
"Uuhhhhhh…" said Shinji. "You shouldn't have."
"Nonsense. It wasn't much trouble at all. I just whipped up a batch of my famous Katsuragi Ramen Surprise!" She lowered her voice to a whisper and added, "Patent pending."
"Uuhhhhhh..."
"Sit down, sit down!" said the woman with an excited wave of her hands. To the two teenagers, however it seemed more like she was ushering them to the firing squad, but they reluctantly complied. After they were seated a tense silence settled among the three of them. During this brief period of time, Misato stared at her two charges with the utmost of anticipation as the two teenagers stared at the meal with the utmost anxiety. Finally Misato grew tired of waiting.
"Well are you going to eat it or what?"
"… Right," said Shinji as if finally remembering where he was. He then bravely dipped his chopsticks into the serving pot and lowered a small portion of Ramen into his bowl. Asuka reluctantly followed suit. Shinji shakily raised some noodles to his mouth, but stopped before allowing the biohazardous material to enter. He threw a questioning glance at Misato, but quickly looked away when he met her intense gaze. He then took a similar glance at Asuka, but she turned her eyes away with a scowl.
That's right… she hates me. It surprised him how easy it was to forget this simple fact. Finding no comfort in his roommates Shinji took the only actions available to him. No, he did not run to his room citing symptoms of an upset stomach. He said a silent prayer, forked his chopsticks into his mouth, and swallowed a load of the ramen surprise in one gulp.
Fight through the pain! He thought desperately. Fight it!
But as he began to chew on the slightly overcooked ramen, he realized that these noodles actually did hold a surprise within.
"So how is it?" asked Misato, no longer able to contain herself.
Shinji swallowed the last of his mouthful and said with the utmost honesty, "It's not that bad."
Misato beamed. "Of course it's not bad. I made it didn't I?"
No one had the heart to comment on this.
"Admittedly I was a little worried that I'd mess it up," the woman continued, shoving her own part of noodles and slurping loudly. Some of the weird sauce trailed down her chin, which she picked up on her finger and sucked in. "I haven't had the opportunity to cook in quite some time. It seems like every time I plan on cooking, one of you has already taken care of it or we end up ordering take out. Kind of funny, isn't it?"
Asuka let out a nervous laugh, while Shinji stared at a point slightly above Misato's head and smiled awkwardly.
"Not that I'm complaining. I know I hide it very well, but I've never liked doing chores." At this Asuka openly snorted. "Still, I'm glad I could cook for you guys tonight. It feels like forever since we've last eaten together."
The smile Misato displayed was almost sad. It reminded Shinji just how little he'd seen of her recently. With the excess work that came along with her promotion to major, and the mountain of paperwork caused by the last angle attack, it had become a bit of a rarity to see her around the house. It wasn't that she was always away from home. It just seemed that three of them had run on different schedules. And in the past weeks, he had spent much more time thinking about Asuka and their new relationship, than wondering about Misato. He felt a little bit ashamed of himself. As a result he tried to make the most out of her generosity.
"This really is very decent, Misato." Complements obviously weren't his strong suit. "What did you put in this to make it taste so… unique?"
The roguish smile that crossed Misato's face reminded Shinji vaguely of Kaji. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing.
"Ah, wouldn't you like to know, Shinji boy!" She was clearly enjoying the attention. "But they don't call it Katsuragi Ramen Surprise! (patent pending) for nothing."
Shinji doubted that anyone aside from Misato referred to the dish as such.
I doubt there's enough brave people in the world to sit at the table long enough to learn the name of the dish. Not when they found out Misato had cooked it. Besides, that's a pretty lame name to begin with. She just smashed the word ramen between her surname and surprise. A kid could have thought of that. I doubt even more that she has actually applied for a patent. Honestly, it's not that good. It's just the only thing she's cooked that wasn't completely "instant" and didn't make my stomach weep. But she seems happy now and that's more than I can say for Asuka and myself. Well that's not completely true. I'm at least a little happy that she's happy. It's good to see her so openly cheerful. It feels like it's been a long time since I've made a woman smile. And speaking of smiling women…
Though the expression didn't look particularly healthy, Asuka too had a light smile on her face. This was a smile that Shinji was growing to know quite well. It was the only smile he received from the girl since the two of them had had their little fight. A part of him longed for this smile. Even though it was bound to bring nothing but emotional pain and humiliation, at least it was better than the scornful looks the redhead normally shot his way.
"You were wise not to tell the Third your recipe, Misato. Especially not before the patent comes though." She said this with an air of carelessness that was clearly fabricated to fit the situation.
"And why is that?" said a voice that sounded far too familiar to Shinji than it should have. It took him a second to realize he had spoken. He wasn't sure why he answered her. Maybe it was the patronizing tone she used.
Or the fact that she was looking directly at Shinji and not Misato, who was now scrapping the bottom of the pan trying to get as much of the left over patented pending Katsuragi Ramen Surprise.
In any case, it hadn't been a conscious decision.
"It would seem like a good idea to confide in him at first. You'd have your own little secret that no one else would know about. I'm sure that you'd be happy knowing that you're the only two people on the planet who knew about the recipe. But then one day you'd go to work and catch a whiff of a familiar smell coming from the cafeteria. And sure enough, your dish is on the lunch trays of everybody in NERV. Right in plain sight for the whole world to see!"
Shinji felt his jaw tighten as he dropped his chopsticks into his bowl. It was one thing to take shots at him while the two of them were alone. But it was a completely different story when the girl took to embarrassing him in front of Misato. That just wasn't cool…
"Well maybe," Shinji quietly hissed, "I thought the recipe was very good and I was thinking about it all day. And when somebody questioned me about it, maybe I accidentally told them the recipe because I wanted them to know how good the food was. That was a mistake. I know. But it's not like I went handing out the recipe like candy!"
"Honestly, it was just a joke," said Misato. "I got the recipe from the side of the ramen box. You both can have it if you want."
"You see that," said Asuka still staring at Shinji. "Misato was willing to share the recipe after a while. You didn't have to go blabbing the ingredients to the world."
"If she was going to tell the world anyways, what difference does it make when they find out about it? Besides, she told me the recipe so I can do whatever I want with that knowledge. Misato has no reason to be mad at me."
"I'm not mad at anyone," said Misato, but no one paid attention.
"It's Misato's decision when to tell everyone about it because she made the recipe. You were too wimpy and uncreative to even think about making a recipe. So you had no right to go telling everybody about it. Especially since she specifically told you not to!"
"Actually I didn't tell him not to do anything…"
"Well if you didn't want anybody to know about our recipe then maybe you shouldn't have grabbed my hand in the first place!"
"Huh?"
"I'm starting to think that you're right about that one Third!" yelled Asuka, much to Misato's confusion. She then pushed herself away from the table and rose to her feet.
"Where are you going?" asked Misato. "You barely touched your food."
"I'm not hungry anymore," said Asuka. She then glared at Shinji and added, "I've lost my appetite."
"I went though all this work," said Misato with a sigh. Nobody bothered to question whether making instant ramen could be considered "all this work".
"I'm sorry Misato," said Asuka, still not looking at the person she had addressed. "I'm sure that Shinji will be able to provide you with plenty of conversation seeing as he can't seem to keep his fat mouth shut."
With no farther words, the girl left the out of the kitchen and headed straight for her bedroom. She then slammed the door shut, causing a bellow of sound that seemed to fill the entire house. When the life of the noise came to an end, only extreme awkwardness was left in its wake.
"So," said Misato scratching at the back of her head. "You kids sure are passionate about your ramen."
------------
Day 8 – Monday
Shinji stuck his hands in his pockets and let out a sigh. It seemed as if he'd suffered a lot of punishments from his falling out with Asuka, and walking back from school by himself was not the least of them. It served to remind him how alone he was. Truly and utterly alone.
He spent the time examining the scenery around him with little concern. After all, there wasn't much to look at. With a parked car here and an apartment building there. Here a firehydrent. There a streetlight. Everywhere a tree or bush. Old Shinji's farm was not remarkable in any way. But when he turned his head to the right something very interesting caught his eyes. He was very surprised to be staring straight at the side of Rei Ayanami's head. He let out a small exclamation of surprise, drawing the girl's attention.
How long has she been there? She couldn't have been walking beside me the whole time!
He waited several long agonizing moments for Rei to explain herself. But with each passing moment it became clear that she had no intentions to speak. She merely turned her head forward and continued to walk. How strange…
"Er… hello Ayanami."
"Good afternoon, Ikari," said Rei. Once again Shinji waited for her to speak farther, only to be met with disappointment.
"It's very… uh… nice weather we're having today."
Shinji felt like kicking himself, but Rei merely nodded. The two of them walked in silence for a moment afterwards.
"Do you normally walk this way?" asked Shinji.
"Yes," was Rei's curt reply. Shinji was slightly surprised to hear it.
"Now that I think of it, I've never seen you walking home from school."
"I am typically in no hurry to leave the classroom."
"I see…" but he didn't see at all.
If she's usually not in a hurry, does that mean she's in a hurry today? Maybe I should ask her… nah. Too personal. I don't want to seem nosey or something. I'll just stick to trivial topics.
"You have not walked home with the second child for over a week," stated Rei. It was clear that she was merely mentioning a fact.
So much for trivial topics…
"Uh… she doesn't… we don't… I mean… she likes to walk by herself sometimes."
"I see," said Rei with slight a nod. "It is beneficial for people to be alone, at times."
"Right…" said Shinji with an air of reluctance. He couldn't help but feel like he was lying to the girl. He also couldn't shake the fear that she could see right through him. But if Rei planned to expose his deceitfulness it seemed like now was not the time. Neither of them uttered another word for several blocks. But even though Rei seemed to have no further questions for the boy, Shinji was beginning to feel curious himself.
Why now? Out of all the time I've known Rei she chooses now to want to be around me. God knows I tried to befriend her before, but she wouldn't bite. Not after I became a pilot or even after Operation Yashima. So why is she suddenly interested in company?
But as the minutes of silence drug on, Shinji realized that the only way to receive answers was to ask questions. While he didn't want to get in the habit of asking unnecessary questions, he figured one couldn't hurt.
Right?
"So why are you walking with me?"
Rei stopped walking.
Too direct maybe?
With an unreadable expression Rei turned her head his way. Shinji became infinitely more nervous and began to drum his fingers against the interior lining of his pockets.
"Prior to the past week, you and pilot Soryu have walked home from school together."
Then there was silence. Shinji heard the cicadas chirping. Though he had never actually seen tumbleweed before, it would not have surprised him to see one roll by in that moment. Sensing his confusion, Rei spoke again.
"Recently I have noticed Soryu leaving early, and you walking alone."
"Oh," said Shinji. However, he continued to stare at Rei as if to say "so what?" But he was disappointed once more as Rei continued walking again.
The rest of the walk was filled largely with silence. Shinji went back to observing his surroundings. Every now and then he would throw sideways glances at the girl walking beside him. It seemed as if she too was content with the silence. After a while it even ceased to be awkward. The lack of conversation was just something he had come to accept.
At one point, Shinji heard a bird chirping in the distance.
"Blue Jay?" asked Shinji.
"No," responded Rei, "definitely a sparrow."
"I see," said Shinji.
Silence was restored.
If only she'd grab my hand, thought Shinji. It'd be exactly like that first time with Asuka.
He couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of this observation. He stopped laughing, however, when his eyes met Rei's intense, sanity questioning gaze. But instead of suggestion that he visit a mental institution, Rei decided to resume their previous conversation.
"It is beneficial for some people to be alone," she repeated. "For some it is even necessary."
Shinji, caught slightly off guard, could only nod.
"You, however, are not one of these people."
With no further words, Rei turned left at the next street. It was only then, as he stared after her, that he remembered that the two of them did not live in the same place. As he watched her back travel farther down the ally he couldn't help but grimace.
He thought he'd never felt more alone in his entire life.
---------------
Day 10 – Wednesday"You are dismissed," said Hikari as she stood in front of the class.
Toji couldn't have been happier to see the day end. The test that they had taken was grueling. If making history exams was a sport, he was sure that Mr. Karousaga would be kicked out of the game for cheating. It just wasn't fair. How did the man expect him to remember when an event happened if he didn't even care about the event itself? He was convinced that there should be a rule against this sort of thing.
But he put all that out of his mind. He had more pressing issues to worry about. Like how to get out of this classroom as soon as possible, before any more knowledge could creep up on him and attempt to lodge itself within his brain. He began dumping his books and supplies into his backpack. He moved even more swiftly after he saw an encyclopedia on the other side of the room lunge at a student.
Faster Toji faster! What doesn't teach you makes you stronger!
"Hey Toji," said Shinji who was sitting nearby, casually gathering up his supplies. "You know school is out and… I'm sorta bored so…"
"Spit it out already," said Toji impatiently. He had finished packing up. The only thing standing between him and freedom was his friend.
"I don't know if you'd want to… but I was thinking maybe we could hang out or something… you know… go somewhere… or do something… or you could come over and…"
Thankfully he trailed off. Toji thought he was going to go on like that forever.
"I'd like to, but you know I can't today. It's Wednesday."
"Wednesday?" asked Shinji.
Toji sighed. He didn't like to bring this subject up often. It always seemed to make things awkward between the two of them.
"Remember? I always visit my sister on Wednesday."
Shinji's eyes widened perceptively.
"Oh… right. Sorry I asked."
When Toji saw the look Shinji gave him, he felt guilty.
"Hey, it's no problem man. I just wish she wasn't the only chick trying to get my attention. If you know what I mean."
Shinji laughed a little and bid Toji goodbye. Toji happily made his way out of the classroom before the encyclopedias could regroup. However, the sadness in his friend's voice and posture were not lost on the jock.
Does that guy always have to look so depressed?-----------
Day 14 - SundayIt was dark when Shinji walked into his bedroom that night. He slowly made his way over to his nightstand to turn on the light. He could have found his way around just fine without it, but it always comforted him to have the light on as he dressed for bed. As he absentmindedly pulled a t-shirt and some shorts out to sleep in he glanced carefully around the room. He wasn't afraid of monsters or burglars or anything, but why take the risk?
After donning his nightwear, he slid himself into bed in a slow deliberate manner. While taking a deep breath, he simultaneously pulled the covers up to his armpits. He then reached toward his nightstand to grab his SDAT player. He inserted the headphones into his ear and turned off the light. It was a music night.
The sounds of quiet classical music filled his ears. For a while he sat up listening intently to the melody. He couldn't remember when or how he'd come across this particular tape and all the songs it possessed. All he knew was that he loved it.
Soon his mind started to wander. He'd heard this song and all the others countless times before. And though music was often a distraction for the boy, it also served as a clarifier of sorts. Since the music disturbed his normal process of cognition, it allowed him to focus upon one topic of contemplation.
Asuka.
He blew it. It was as simple as that. She wanted him to keep it secret. He ran his mouth. And now she was done with him. Kaji had been right though. She didn't hate him, she just didn't care anymore. Shinji could clearly see the signs of this. She didn't yell at him anymore. She didn't throw angry looks at him anymore. She didn't try to make him feel bad anymore. She just looked at him blankly. As if to say, "we have nothing".
It hurt a lot to think on this because he knew for certain that it had all been his fault. But the funny thing was that even though it hurt, even though he would probably always feel regret about this, he knew he could live with it. He loved her and she didn't care… but he could live with it.
Yeah… it hurt to see her. It even hurt to think about her. Heck, it hurt even when he wasn't thinking about her. Because he knew something was missing.
But do I really need to be whole?
The answer was no. He could exist unhappily this way for the rest of his life. He could smile shyly at the world and pretend he was alright because even though he blew it at least he tried.
And he thought, what did that one poet say? Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Or something like that. And when he said these things to himself, he felt a tad bit better.
But somewhere in the back of his mind he always thought that it would have been much better if he had won.
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Day 16 – TuesdayShinji threw another sidelong glance at the girl walking silently beside him. It amazed him how truly unsociable the girl could be. He had never gotten the sense that Rei disliked conversation, or even that she was uncomfortable with it. It felt to him as if she had no real concept of small-talk at all. But that didn't stop the silence from becoming a bit uncomfortable.
He sneezed.
"Do you require a tissue?" asked Rei.
"No thank you."
He wasn't sure if it was just his imagination, but it seemed as if the blue haired girl was being nicer to him than usual. No… nicer wasn't the right word. Maybe, considerate or accommodating. The thought somewhat discomforted him. Am I so pathetic that she thinks I need her to wipe my nose for me?
However, he kept such thoughts to himself. He was probably just over thinking the situation. She was only acting in such a way because she knew that he was going through a tough time… or at least he thought she knew what was going on. He never did get around to accurately explaining it. Then again, it didn't take a genius to figure out that he and Asuka hadn't been on the best of terms the last two weeks. But given the fact that Asuka and he had achieved some sense of closure, he felt a little guilty taking advantage of Rei's sympathy. He hadn't asked her to be so kind, but then again he hadn't told her that it wasn't necessary. In truth, he just liked the attention.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she wiped my nose.
As the two of them reached the spot where they parted ways he noticed something peculiar. Unlike all the other times when Rei had walked with him after school, the girl stopped at the corner of the street down which she usually turned.
"Good evening, Ikari," she said with the strangest look on her face. It was an expression that Shinji was sure he'd seen before, but couldn't quite peg. But when he saw the almost hesitant way that Rei turned to leave, he recognized the look in an instance. It was pity.
"Wait!" said Shinji. The word spewed from his mouth as if he were on autopilot. He honestly had nothing to follow it up with.
"Yes?"
Did she have to look so critical?
"I'm not broken," he said and immediately regretted the words. "Uh… what I mean to say is, you don't have to walk with me everyday… I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me."
"I see," said Rei carefully examining his face. It made Shinji even more flustered. As a result more words spewed out of him.
"I think that maybe, I don't look so bad when I'm alone anymore…" after a lack of response from the girl he added, "maybe?"
"That is not the case."
Oh, ouch…way to let me down gently Ayanami."I will see you tomorrow Ikari," said Rei. With an odd air of formality she added, "It is no trouble for me to walk with you again."
With those words she was gone. Apparently his opinion in this matter didn't amount to very much in her eyes. Somehow Rei's misguided attempt at comforting him only served to make him feel more pathetic. For a while he kept his head lowered and his eyes on the ground.
But then he came to a busy street and raised his head. It wasn't wise to cross into traffic without looking. And maybe it wasn't so bad to loose this particular battle for self-esteem against Rei. At least if he sneezed, he'd know where to find a tissue.
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Day 19 - Friday"No, Shinji. Keep it, I insist."
Kaji wasn't making this easy.
"I can't it wouldn't be fair."
The older man smiled almost sadly and said, "I want you to have it."
Shinji shook his head. "I've caused you enough trouble as it is."
Kaji laughed. "I'm the one that got you into this mess. It's the least I could do."
"No it's my fault," said Shinji. "I should have followed the plan."
Shinji assumed that the look he was receiving said something along the lines of, "yeah it is your fault, but I still feel bad about it." Or maybe the man just had a piece of food caught in his cheek or something. It was hard to tell. But when Kaji spoke again, it was clear that he was being serious.
"Keep the money," he said and held up his hands as if to physically block Shinji's protest. "No, I won't take it back. I'm the one who pushed you into this situation. So as long as you've tried your hardest to get her back, I think you deserve something for the effort. This is my compensation. It's the least I can do."
Shinji frowned.
"But I don't even know what I'd do with it…"
The laughter that issued from the scruffy bearded man, sounded nothing short of genuine.
"What does any kid do with money these days?" he asked. Luckily he continued on without giving Shinji a chance to answer. "Go waste it on junk food or some video game. Or go buy a bike. You can do whatever you want, with it really."
There was silence in the office for a little while as Shinji thought it over. Before long he placed the wad of cash back into his wallet and sighed.
"Thanks Mr. Kaji."
The older man smiled.
"No problem kid. Now get outta here. Ya bother me."
Shinji couldn't help but laugh a little at the other man's antics. Still, he couldn't help but wish that someone would let him reject their acts of kindness. It was getting kind of old.
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Day 20 - Saturday"I can't believe you blew all your money on a bicycle," said Asuka as she sat down on the other end of the couch. The response might have been predictable, if he had known that the two of them were on proper speaking terms. "Where did you get a dumb idea like that?"
Shinji might not have been the brightest crayon in the box, but he wasn't about to let it slip that he'd been talking to Kaji again. Even though he hadn't been leaking any information about their now nearly non-existent relationship, it wouldn't have boded so well with the redhead. She had finally begun to act normally when he was in the same room as her. He wasn't going to blow it by bringing up something that would remind her of the past. No it was best to leave such unpleasantness behind.
Instead he said something along the lines of, "I had some extra money, so I thought I'd buy something nice."
"But a bicycle? What good is that?"
Shinji shrugged.
"I can get around faster… I guess."
"That might make sense for someone who's not a dork, but for you, what's the point? You only go four places." She ticked them off on her fingers. "Here, school, NERV, and your geeky friend's house. And all of those places are in walking distance."
"Maybe he just wanted some new wheels," said a voice from the kitchen. "How else is he going to impress the ladies?"
Et tu Misato?
Asuka snorted. "He won't be impressing anybody with that childish thing."
But Misato only shook her head.
"I think it was a good buy," she said reasonably. "He picked a pretty nice model. It's not often you come across a dark blue ten-speed with a self powered headlight, and even a radio. Not to mention the flame details on the sides. Makes you go real fast! Vroom Vroom!"
From the sound of laughter that followed, Shinji got the impression that Misato wasn't taking his new purchase very seriously. He almost thought that she might very well have been mocking him. Maybe he did get a little carried away with the bike's "special features" but it wasn't really his fault. He had originally intended to get a plain bicycle but the salesman talked him into the light and the radio. The man made it seem like a good idea at the time, but now he was beginning to feel a bit foolish.
"I thought the flames were cool…" he said almost mournfully. At this Misato laughed harder. Asuka merely sighed. She seemed to be embarrassed for him.
Having exhausted every ounce of embarrassment from the current conversation, Misato came from the kitchen with a sandwich and a beer, and the three of them began to watch some TV. Nothing too interesting was on. Asuka (who had the remote control) flipped through a couple of sitcoms and dramas with little interest. Finally she came to rest on a game show station.
"Do you guys want to watch this," she asked.
"I don't care," said Misato. Shinji merely shrugged.
"Here, you take this," said Asuka handing him the remote control. "Find something good to watch." But Shinji made no move to grab it.
"I wouldn't know what to choose."
Asuka clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth.
"Typical," she said. "You never want to take the wheel." By the tone of her voice, Shinji thought that she was attempting to start an argument with him. But when he looked over at her face she looked almost passive.
That's when it struck him. He realized that things were finally back to normal. Asuka was insulting him, without malicious intent. Misato was at home on a regular basis. They were all getting along and sitting in the same room without confrontation. It was just as things had been before the break up. Almost like someone had hit the reset button on their lives. It felt somewhat strange knowing that after all this time they'd only gotten as far as the starting point.
But at least we don't hate each other. And at least we're not mad. Maybe if I'm casual about it, Asuka will even let me walk to school with her again. Of course there'd be no handholding or anything. But it'd be nice not to have to go alone since Rei seems to think I'll die if I'm alone. Sure it might be kind of awkward, seeing as we used to go out and such. But I figure if we're managing to live together without feeling too awkward, then walking to school shouldn't be all that bad. And you know what? I think I can actually live with this.
Suddenly Shinji felt… better. Up until this point he hadn't even realized how bad he had still been feeling. It was the difference between night and day. Cold and hot. Warm milk and ice cream… wait ice cream?
"Huh?" asked Shinji in confusion.
"Pay attention Third," said Asuka. "I just asked if either of you wanted to go out and get some ice cream."
"But it's not even hot outside," said Shinji still feeling as if he were missing some vital information.
"What is Sudoku!" yelled Misato at the game show host. She then turned to Shinji and said, "That's what I told her. It's too cold for ice cream."
Asuka stuck her tongue out at Misato. "It's never too cold for ice cream," she said. She then turned to her attention toward Shinji. "Well are you coming or not?"
Shinji looked into Asuka's impatient face and failed to find any answers there. He then looked over to Misato who shrugged.
"I… uh… I don't really feel like getting ice cream," he said rather reluctantly. It was the truth after all. He just didn't like eating cold stuff unless it was hot.
"Fine," said Asuka with a noncommittal shrug. "I'll just go by myself then." She got up from her potion on the couch, put on her shoes, and walked out the door. As soon as she was gone, Misato unleashed a look of incredulity upon Shinji.
"Are you really that stupid?" she asked.
"Wha?"
"Couldn't you tell that she didn't want to go alone?"
Shinji shook his head.
"Well now I'm telling you. She didn't want to go alone."
"Okaaaay…"
"And she also didn't care if I went or not."
"Right…"
"And if she didn't want to go alone and she didn't care if I went, what do you think that means?"
"That she's going to meet up with Hikari?" asked Shinji.
"I don't know why I try," said Misato with a sigh. "She is definitely right about you. She sure is."
"What did she say about-" began Shinji, but he cut himself off. "Oh, never mind. You probably won't tell me anyways."
"You got that right!" said Misato with a sudden well of enthusiasm that seemed to appear from nowhere. "Some things you've got to figure out for yourself. Don't look at me like that. I know you'll get it eventually. No mater what any skeptical blond haired doctor says."
"Huh?" asked Shinji, but Misato waved him off.
"Quiet Shinji, I'm trying to watch the show."
Some cheesy music plays on the TV
Wait…"Tell him what he's won, Chuck!"
oh...
"A trip for two to the sunny Continental Island of Australia!"
His eyes suddenly widened.
"A trip…" muttered Shinji quietly. "For two?"
Oh Crap!He looked over at Misato. She smiled lightly and nodded.
"We'll be right back, after these messages," said the host.
By the time the first commercial aired, Shinji was already out the door.
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I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiotShinji switched the gears on his bike and attempted to peddle faster. He nearly lost his balance as the chains clicked into place.
I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiotHe wondered which ice cream stand Asuka had gone to. She was very picky about her ice cream and only the sweetest tasting cones would do. Sanji's Cream Shack was the closest, but the girl had always complained about their chocolate flavor not being sweet enough. Sure enough, when he passed by the shop, there were no redheaded German girls in sight. He'd have to try the other shop that was quite a few blocks down.
If I had just gone with her, I wouldn't have to be riding around the city like a maniac.
But on the way to the next shop he spotted Asuka sitting on a bench. He stopped in front of her and dismounted from the bike. It instantly fell over. Apparently he had forgotten to put up the kickstand.
I just got the thing and I'm already breaking it…"What're you doing here?"
"I well… I… wanted to try out my bicycle?"
"Try again."
"I… well… this isn't easy Asuka."
She raised an eyebrow.
"Well… I know why you wanted me to come with you."
"Oh," said Asuka with a hint of a frown.
"Look. I know this is… well it's awkward."
"I'll say."
"But I think we should do it anyways."
Asuka was silent.
"We've had our problems in the past, but when it comes to this," he looked her straight in the eyes. "I think we both want the same thing."
Asuka stared at him with a questioning expression. She opened her mouth to speak and Shinji held his breath. This was it. This is the moment that it all came down to. She could accept him back and take him to the heights of jubilation, or reject him again and throw him into the deepest pits of despair. It all came down to this one critical moment in time.
"So what you're saying," said Asuka skeptically, "Is that you want to pay for my ice cream?"
Shinji couldn't be more thrilled.
"Yes that's exactly- wait… come again?"
"Well that's why I wanted you to come with me. I knew you must have some extra money lying around, since you obviously had enough to buy that bicycle. Since I spent most of my cash shopping with Hikari, I thought I'd get you or Misato to flip the bill for me. Since I didn't have any money, I thought I'd just sit on this bench to kill some time."
"Oh," said Shinji. There was a moment of tense silence.
I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot"Well, are you going to buy me a cone or what?"
Shinji ceased his mental belittlement long enough to say, "Yeah, I guess so."
They went up to the stand and Asuka purchased a chocolate cone via the contents of Shinji's wallet. Shinji, however, opted not to eat anything. Asuka made her way back to the bench where ha had originally found her.
"Hey, let's sit over here while we eat, Third."
Shinji shrugged and took a seat next to her. Sure things hadn't gone as planned, but he honestly had nothing better to do. Even if he couldn't miraculously win Asuka back, at least he could sit close to her and pretend not to watch her lick at her cone. For several minutes he did just that. But after a while Asuka grew tired of the silence.
"Hey Shinji."
"Yeah?"
"If you weren't trying to pay for my ice cream, why did you come up here?"
Shinji felt his cheeks color. He shrugged, hoping that she would drop it. But Asuka wasn't having any of that.
"Bull crap. You had to have come up here for some reason."
His eyes met the sidewalk. "I really don't want to say."
"Oh come on!" said Asuka petulantly. "I told you that I didn't have any money. That's got to be more embarrassing than whatever you've got to say." But Shinji merely shook his head. Asuka let out a sound of indignation and went back to eating her ice cream.
It could have easily ended like that. The two of them sitting in silence, Asuka slowly finishing her ice cream and then both of them heading back to the apartment. But then Shinji remembered something that Kaji had said to him a day ago.
As long as you've tried your hardest to get her back, I think you deserve something for the effort
"I'm going to start walking back Shinji," said Asuka as she stood up from the bench. He noticed she hadn't finished her cone, but he supposed that walking and eating was not unheard of. When he didn't answer her she said, "Are you coming?"
"I can't go back yet," said Shinji. "I don't deserve this bike."
"Huh?"
He forced himself to meet her oddly confused gaze.
She looks cute like that… never mind. Focus.
"I'm sorry if what I said/did hurt you. Do you want to try again?"
"What?"
"What I'm saying is, I want to go out with you again."
Asuka's confusion quickly turned to annoyance.
"I thought we… settled all that."
"I want to try again." Shinji repeated.
"Why should I let you?"
Crap! I didn't think this far though.
"Uh… well… being with you these last few weeks… was uh… great or something." He frowned at that, noticing it hadn't come out as suave or right as it had sounded in his mind.
"A-and your eyes remind me of Heaven." He turned to her and saw the same frown, topped with a look of disbelief on her face.
"Uh… yeah. And… um… I'm sorry I couldn't keep you a secret because… why was I sorry about that…?" He felt like this was a last pitch, something a salary man or a sales man would do when the customer is on the verge of walking away; like a Hail Mary thrown by the quarterback on the last yard, on the over clock and…
He really was lost with all the analogies but still pressed his luck. "Right! Because I can't believe you're beautiful!… no that's not good…"
"What?"
"What I meant to say is… I'm sorry for hurting you."
"You already said that."
Shinji suddenly found the menu on the side of the ice cream shop to be very interesting.
"Right… well it's true."
"I see." He kept looking at all the flavors, some of them the usual staple like "vanilla" and "chocolate" and "strawberry" while others seemed to scream try me like "coffee and toffee" and "yellow brick road", and still others that seemed a bit of a splurge.
"So how do I know you won't mess up again?" asked Asuka skeptically after he had looked at the menu for what felt like the 100th time.
"I won't?" asked Shinji. It was far from convincing.
"I see," said Asuka sounding even more skeptical than before.
The two of them stood in awkward silence for a while.
"Lets go home Shinji."
"Okay," said Shinji sadly. He slowly mounted his bicycle. However, his head quickly whipped around when he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders.
"You do know how to ride with someone on the pegs right?" asked Asuka as she stood on the pegs… duh. She then smiled mischievously. "I want to see just how fast this speed machine can go."
"I've never ridden with anyone else," said Shinji. But despite his words he couldn't help but feel a surge of confidence.
"There's a first time for everything."
And then they began to ride. It was wobbly and slow going at first. But eventually Shinji began to get the hang of it. After a while, he didn't even have to think about it. Aside from the warm presence of Asuka's hands on his shoulders, it felt exactly like riding by himself. He used this time to think.
As hard as all that was…it sure was easy. I mean, all I really did was just ask her to take me back and she basically said "ok". But then again she never did really say that we were going back together. But then again again… wait. Can I say that? Is it proper English? Who cares? It's only in my head anyways. Then again again, She never did say we were actually going out in the first place. She just sort of implied it. Like she's doing now.
The bike rolled over an unseen bump causing Asuka to let out a small "eek!" As a result she attempted to get a better hold of him by encircling one arm around his chest and using the other (which held the ice cream cone) to grab at his shirt by the shoulder blade, an action which caused her chest to press firmly into his back. A faint giggle of exhilaration escaped form her as the trees and the road seemed to zip by. The orange light of sundown, the long shadows of the farm, and the soothing warmth of dusk made him want to simultaneously pedal faster to enjoy the thrill and slow down to savor this moment.
You know the funny thing about all this though. In a way, it happened just like Kaji said it would. She stopped being mad at me, then I offered to buy her some food. I ask her to take me back, and she reluctantly accepts. The only difference between this and the original plan (besides the 20 day waiting period) is that this plan cost a heck of a lot less money, seeing as I only had to buy her ice cream. I bet Kaji tries very hard to stay on his woman's good side. If not, it's amazing that the man can pay his rent. And speaking of women that hate Kaji… Misato sure does give bad advice. She had me rush out here to make up with Asuka when all the girl wanted was a free cone. And man is Asuka a cheap skate. She's willing to come out here with someone she's barely forgiven, just so I can be her human wallet. What the heck is up with that? And another thing - ah God that's cold!
Shinji was surprised out of his contemplation when a drop of melted ice cream fell onto his neck. But he nearly crashed the bike when he felt the warm wetness of Asuka's tongue licking it off.
She continued to laugh at him the rest of the way home.
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Thanks again to Eric Blair for pre-reading. May his days be long upon the Earth and may all his children be born naked.
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AN: There she blows. It's pretty darn long, as I've already said. I'm not really sure, but I feel as if this is the weakest chapter I've put up yet. Not bad… just not the best of the lot. I tried to show the sadness and whatnot that goes along with a break-up through several different pairs of eyes, and to give a series of snapshots as to how Shinji's feeling. I'm still not sure about the overall results of this, but I hope you liked it. And before I forget, Rei's line about the universe and a blade of grass is ripped off from The Gunslinger by Stephen King. And the line about flame details making the bike go faster is inspired by (read: also ripped off from) comments made by Arkiel in a conversation about the Transformers movie, in a thread on the forums at EvaficsDotOrg (go there). Until next time, folks. Take care.
Oh and Eric, now you have a two sentence tagline instead of a one sentence tagline. Ask and you shall receive.