Chapter 9 :

Seeking help :

Lying in bed in silence both women felt satisfied not only physically but also emotionally. After years of feeling uncomfortable in her body, of wanting to escape her own skin Jane was finally able to feel in sync with herself both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, after months of patience and accepting and dealing with Jane's mood swings, her refusal to allow her to touch her or undress during sex Maura was finally starting to see and feel the results of her efforts. Unfortunately as grateful as she was that Jane was finally comfortable enough to allow herself to lay naked in bed with her Maura was still wondering why Jane had been feeling trapped in her body for so many years. As much as she was enjoying Jane's progress the truth was that they never really talked about things since the first time Jane confided in her.

Maura knew that Jane had made tremendous efforts because she was in love in her and that it was most likely her strong will power and personality that allowed her to make that much progress in such a short period of time. Unfortunately Maura knew that in order for Jane to really heal and put her issues behind her she needed to understand why she had been feeling this way, that her strong dertermination only wouldn't be enough to keep the insecurities away for ever.

"What are you think about?"Lying in bed completely naked her right arms around Jane's shoulder Jane was for the first time completely comfortable. Naked in bed holding the woman she loved she felt safe knowing that she could trust Maura to be respectful and unlike most men she ever dated to keep her hands in appropriate places. She knew that despite the tremendous progress they had made Maura respected her body and her feelings and wouldn't cross the line and be inappropriate.

"Nothing in particular. How about we each those sushis you brought?"Suddenly sitting up in bed, trying to cover herself up Maura wasn't willing to ruin their perfect moment for the sake of her curiosity. For now all that mattered was that they were making progress, understanding the reasons of Jane's insecurities could wait.

"You're mad at me…"Jane replied slight sorrow in her voice as she slid back in the robe lying underneath her naked body.

"No, why would I be mad?"Maura replied slightly turning her head.

"Because I couldn't finish, because despite your patience and support I'm not making enough progress." Looking away as closed the robe, tightening the belt as much as she could Jane couldn't even be mad at her, despite Maura's patience and love she was still unable to have a healthy sexual relationship with her.

"Jane, sweetheart look at me. What you managed to accomplished in only a couple of weeks after years of denying your issues is truly amazing. "Maura replied cupping Jane's face with her left hand.

"But I failed, I'm not strong enough yet…"

"Yes you are. Overcoming your insecurities and fears and allow yourself to trust me to guide you just by the only strength of your will is remarkable. You have always been and always will be the strongest person I have ever met Jane and I love you."

"It's all thanks to you. You gave me the strength to get better by supporting me and the courage to face my issues and to trust you by loving me unconditionally. You're my everything Maura."

"Likewise Detective, likewise. Come on let's go eat, I'm starving." As much as Maura enjoyed Jane's strong personality what she found herself most attracted too was her sensitivity and romanticism and what made her extremely sexy wasn't when she kicked criminal's asses or defended her honor when a man was trying to hit on her but when she opened up about her feelings.

"Alright, but please tell me what's bothering you. I have tried my best not to hide any emotions or feelings from you and I would appreciate that you pay me the same curtesy."

"Alright. I'm glad and proud of the progress you have made but I have the feeling that you were only able to achieve them by the strength of your will power and determination. I feel that going through a deep self introspection that would allow you to understand the reasons of your discomfort and insecurities would be highly beneficiary."

"Oh come on Maur', can't you just be happy that I overcame my insecurities instead of throwing that psychological bullshit at me?"Jane replied rising her voice as she sat on the edge of the bed, cracking her fingers on the wooden floor.

"I am happy Jane, but as you always say, catching a criminal is great but to discover his motives and understand them is important. It's important because it can help us prevent future crimes."

"I know and I also believe that by not understanding history we're condemned to watch it repeat itself. The thing is…I have no idea why I felt the way I felt for so long. The only thing I know is that I don't want to feel like this anymore and that it's now possible for me to be happy and to have a healthy relationship with you."

"Of course it is, but if want to put this part of your life behind you for ever you have to go to the source and understand those feelings. Once that journey accomplished you will hopefully be able to allow yourself to release all that sexual tension you have been accumulating for so long."

"I know….You know, after thinking about it I think that one of the reasons why I wasn't able to finish was because I can not imagine coming by any other hand than yours."Jane pouted looking at her with so much love that Maura's heart almost melt.

"You're sweet and I would be more than happy to provide you with the kind of sexual relief that you need but in the mean time I truly believe that you would benefit from seeking professional help." Saying those words Maura was expecting a vivid even violent physical reaction. She knew how much Jane hated psychiatrists especially after being forced to see one after being held by Hoyt the first time.

"I'm not a nut case Maur', I do not need to see a shrink!"Jane hissed bouncing out off bed pushing Maura backwards in the process.

"Jane…I never said you were a nut case but as much as I love you and as much as you trust me there are things I can not provide you with, I wish I could but I can not. " As devoted as Maura was she knew deep down that she wouldn't be able to help Jane by herself, that even if loving her so much was a good thing it was also putting a strain on Jane's healing process.

She was convinced that Jane needed the help of a professional who would be honest with her and who wouldn't hoover or cuddle her and who wouldn't hesitate to push her a little, thing she wasn't capable of doing.

"Why?You know me better than any one else and I trust you not to mention you studied psychology…."Desperately trying to object to her idea Jane knew deep down that Maura was right.

"Yes, you trust me and I know very well but I think you could benefit from talking with someone who doesn't know you and who's not biased by her feelings , someone who won't hesitate to push you a little when needed and who could give you honest insight. "

"I just want to do this by myself you know… I wanted to show you that I was strong enough…"Falling back as she felt her knees abandoning her Jane was helpless. For years she had fought her demons on her own and had struggled to keep them inside and to appear strong and independent and asking Maura for help has been hard enough but asking a complete stranger would be humiliating and considering it was making her feel like a complete failure.

"Asking for help doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong Jane. Don't worry about a thing, I will be there every step of the way. I'm not leaving you Jane."Maura whispered resting her head on Jane's shoulders, her arms snaked around her waist.

Sitting there Jane finally admitted that her determination and will power as well as Maura's unconditional love and support had their limits and that if she truly wanted to put her dark past behind her she would have to consult a professional. As humiliating as it was for her to admit she couldn't do this on her own Jane knew that Maura was right, that if she continued to refuse to face and understand her issues, soon her will power wouldn't be able to keep them buried. Luckily for her Jane knew that no matter how hard seeking professional would be she would always be able to count on Maura's support, that she would stay by her side.

On the other hand Maura was proud that Jane finally admitted that ignoring the cause of her issues wasn't the heathy way to get rid of them. Unfortunately Maura, just like Jane felt like a failure for not being able to help her girlfriend on her own. Luckily for Maura, as a Medical Doctor she knew that being close to Jane made her bias and that their almost symbiotic relationship was clouding her judgement and that only a trained psychologist would be able to help her.

So guys, I wrote this short chapter after someone send me a PM saying that even if Jane was making progress she still hasn't acknowledged the reasons of her discomfort and insecurities. I think that reader was right, that Jane's strong will power won't be enough to keep her issues buried, that she needs to understand why she felt that way of she want a healthy relationship with Maura.

I know most of you might think this chapter was useless and boring but to the contrary I think it was necessary and I would love to have your opinion on the all therapy thing.

Thanks again for your support guys, you know how personal this story is to me and your support means a lot , writing this story helps me understand things about myself I had buried deep down for so long and your supports helps me a lot :)