Previously on Whipped:
Inside a small little office in a remote corner of Nerv, Ryoji Kaji asked, "Are you happy now, kid?"
Shinji said, "No."
Whipped
Chapter 6: A Tale of Two Kidnappings
"What time is it?" asked Kaji. He had no clocks in his office. The ticking would drive him crazy in such a cramped space. He was never a fan of digital one's either. Something about the glow.
"Around 6," said Shinji feeling somewhat out of place. He didn't know why, but he thought the declaration of his unhappiness would have a bigger effect on the atmosphere. He hadn't expected Kaji's nonchalance and was a little perturbed by it to be honest.
"Not nearly enough time..." The older man rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "What size shirt do you wear?"
"Uh... smalls and mediums..."
"Close enough." Kaji re-arranged the papers he was going over at his desk (meaning he threw them back into a messy pile) and abruptly stood from his chair. "Come on, let's go."
"Where are we going?" Shinji reluctantly stood up as well.
"Don't worry about that," said Kaji with a smile. "I'll take care of everything."
Shinji frowned heavily. The last time Kaji took care of everything, Shinji was found unconscious in the men's locker room. Nevertheless, he filed in right behind Kaji as he exited the office. They made their way through the halls of NERV stopping only briefly at security check points along the way.
When they reached the parking lot, Kaji approached a black four door sedan and gestured for Shinji to get in. Shinji was impressed by its appearance. The interior was decked out in beige-dyed leather. Everything was spotless and clean. The dashboard and stereo system had all the bells and whistles. There was even an onboard GPS. Shinji didn't know what make or model it was, but he thought that he'd be lucky to drive a car like this one day… assuming he lived that long.
"It's a company car," said Kaji. "One of the perks of higher rank. Though I guess it's not much compared to your giant purple ride, eh?"
Kaji chuckled and Shinji stared at him uncertainly.
With a turn of a key the car flared to life. Music blasted from the speakers at a volume slightly louder than Shinji was comfortable with. Kaji shifted into gear and they began their journey.
"Kids still like Rock and Roll, right?"
Shinji shrugged. "Eh… I guess."
They drove on for a while with the music as the only sound between them. Suddenly Kaji took a hand from the wheel and applied palm to face.
"What's wrong?" asked Shinji.
Kaji shook his head and held up a finger, before fishing his phone out of his pocket. He thumbed through his contacts list and made a call.
"Misato, what a pleasure!" he said.
Shinji was slightly taken aback by Kaji's suddenly cheerful disposition.
"Yes of course I was the one to call you. Doesn't make it any less pleasurable."
Kaji chuckled. "I'd be offended if I thought you meant that."
"I have something here with me that you might be interested in."
He turned the phone to Shinji's direction and quietly said, "Say 'Hi' Shinji."
Shinji looked at him as if he was crazy. After a moment of staring he sighed and said "Hi Misato" into the mouth piece.
Satisfied Kaji placed the phone back at his ear.
He chuckled again at whatever Misato said in response. "It doesn't matter what I'm doing with him. What matters to you, assuming you ever want to see him alive again, is that certain demands of mine are met."
Shinji was beginning to seriously question his decision to get in the car. He was 75 percent sure that Kaji was joking… but he never did like gambling much.
"Oh nothing that bad," said Kaji dismissively. "Dinner on Sunday. Just the two of us. Like old times."
Kaji let out a sigh of disappointment.
"Okay okay. I'm not going to twist your arm… hostage situation notwithstanding."
"How about lunch?"
Kaji frowned slightly. Shinji could see a bit of the humor fall from his face.
"I'm sure you can squeeze me in."
"We can make it a light lunch. No conversation required. I'll just watch you eat."
"Come on now. Don't make me beg."
Suddenly Kaji's face lit up.
"Alright then. It's a date."
And his face fell again.
"Okay not a date. A ransom exchange then. Good. I look forward to it. Alright, Bye beautiful."
Kaji put down the phone just as they pulled into the parking garage for a large apartment complex. The sudden darkness of their surrounds cast shadows across the older man's face.
"Good news," he said. "You get to live."
xxxxxxxxx
The apartment was clean without being spotless and uncluttered without being bare. Kaji had a way of throwing things about so that anything out of place seemed to be easily put back in it. It wasn't hard to imagine how an undershirt might have been left to drape over the couch in the morning rush, or why a few dishes remained unwashed in the sink. The room gave the impression of mild carelessness, not lack of discipline.
Shinji looked around as Kaji briefly busied himself with picking things up a bit. The task was quick and painless, since there wasn't much in the apartment to begin with. The only decorations that stood out was a standard clock hanging from the livingroom wall and an acoustic guitar on a stand in the corner. Somehow the place was both how Shinji expected it to be and not.
"Would you like some tea?" asked Kaji drawing him from his observations. He nodded and Kaji set to work. There was no talk between them as the older man brewed, but the silence was not uncomfortable. Shnji was surprised by how well he was taking his kidnapping. He almost felt comfortable enough to relax. His near-good mood was spoiled, however, when Kaji returned with the tea and a very difficult question.
"So why aren't you happy?"
This was perhaps the first time in Shinji's life that he wished he was engaging in small talk.
"I... don't really know."
"of course..."
"I just... I thought that if they liked me I'd be happy. And they do like me, but..."
Kaji held up a hand to stop him.
"Who's they?" he asked.
"Well you know... Asuka and Misato. Rei... Toji and Kensuke…" My father… You… "Everyone I guess..."
"So you want everyone to like you?"
"Yes... well not everyone," he wasn't a kid. He knew everyone wouldn't like him. "Just the people I know..."
Kaji nodded. "So everyone then."
Shinji lowered his eyes and took a sip of his tea. "… not everyone…" he mumbled.
"Everyone's not going to like you." He knew that. He knew it but…
"It's just... they don't treat me like everyone else."
"What do you mean?"
"Like... when I'm talking... They don't listen to me like they listen to each other. And if I do something different they're always pointing it out and making it a big deal. And when they do something odd and I point it out, it's never a big deal. When they talk to me and tell me to do things I just... I have to do them. And when I ask them to do things... they only do them if they want to. And they say we're close... you know. Like friends or something... but I'm just... not like them."
"Hmm..." said Kaji. He rubbed his chin with his hand. To his credit he seemed deep in thought about Shinji's problem. As for Shinji himself he felt somewhat shocked that he'd said so much about himself, almost un-prompted. It felt draining.
"I think I understand your problem."
Shinji raised his head in mild surprise. "You do?"
"Yeah," said Kaji with a hint of a smile. "You've got a classic Dangerfield dilemma."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
The smile turned to a smirk. "Ya get no respect."
Shinji frowned. "I don't know..."
"People don't listen to you, they don't do things you ask them to do, and they're constantly criticizing you. Trust me kid, you get no respect."
"But... but I always listen to people! And I... I never say anything bad about anyone! And I'm trying to do what they want me to do! I'm really trying!"
"And that's why they don't respect you," Kaji explained.
But this only confused Shinji further. "But if I'm nice to them, and do everything they want me to, shouldn't they respect me then?"
Kaji shook his head while smiling. "Do you walk on doormats Shinji?"
"Yeah," said Shinji. "Everyone does."
"Do you respect your doormat?"
"Well... I don't have to respect it. It's a doormat."
"Bingo."
Shinji messaged his forehead in frustration. He was beginning to hate analogies. He asked Kaji where he was going with this.
"It's pretty obvious," said Kaji with a trace of sympathy. "No one can respect you when you let them walk all over you. Sure people might clean a rug and try to keep it from getting dirty, but at the end of the day a rug is a rug. They're just going to walk on it again."
Shinji took a few moments to let this info sink in.
"So you're telling me that no one respects me... because I'm nice to them?"
"No, Shinji." Kaji shook his head. "They don't respect you because you let them wipe their dirty feet on you." At Shinji's puzzled look he added, "You don't treat yourself with respect."
Shinji was silent. He didn't understand how he was supposed to respond to something like that. The concept of self respect and self-disrespect held little meaning to him. All he'd tried to do was get along. He just wanted to be a person that they wouldn't hate. Shinji couldn't understand how that would lead them to disrespect him.
"I... don't know..."
"What don't you know?" asked Kaji. His tone was completely serious.
Shinji felt as if the words he needed to say were physically weighing him down. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be."
"Well," said Kaji after taking a sip of his tea. It surprised Shinji how candidly the man could talk about another person's very being. "What do you want to be?"
"I want to be..." but he stopped himself, struck by the horror of what he would say.
"Take your time," said Kaji.
All the time in the world wouldn't change the answer that threatened to slip out of Shinji's mouth. He mentally went over all the various sentences he could use to illustrate his desire. Switching out what few synonyms he knew and rearranging the structure of the words to try and devise something that didn't sound so... stupid. It was a useless endeavor. There was really only one way to say it. When he did say it Kaji, the man who had somehow convinced Shinji to pour his heart out to him, would laugh openly into his face. And if he did do that, then Shinji would probably never trust him, or any other man, with his personal feelings again. Given the awkwardness of the entire situation, that didn't seem like the worse possible outcome. It would be a lot easier then ever having to be so nakedly honest again.
So casting his concerns aside in one moment of tense aprehension Shinji said, "I just want to be loved."
Kaji for his part did not laugh. Instead he frowned disapprovingly.
"That's not a state of being, Shinji. That's a state of dependency."
Neither of them spoke for several long moments. Shinji was baffled at Kaji's response, while the older man was deep in thought. Finally Kaji spoke again.
"You seem to have a weak concept of your own personal goals and an even weaker concept of how to achieve them. What you think you want is love, but you have no idea what that entails."
He gave a brief pause here as if he expected Shinji to object. When the boy said nothing, he continued.
"One of the most misguided beliefs in this world is that love is something you can have and hold. But love is the only entity in this world that can be given and can never be received. Love is not a goal to reach for, but a random fact of life. And if someone loves you it is by no effort on your own part, but simply a matter of that person finding some sort of value in your own personal being. You can't influence what other people value in a person, but you can influence the type of person that you are. To believe anything else is folly."
Kaji's somber stare penetrated Shinji. He had never heard such a grim outlook on love and it felt odd coming from this particular source. Kaji had never struck Shinji as the whimsical dreamer type, but he'd always figured the man to be somewhat of an optimist. Yet here he was telling Shinji that there was no way to receive love. That it was something he just had to silently hope for. As the silence drug on Shinji adverted his eyes from the man. He had come here looking for answers to a problem, not having cruel realism shoved into his face.
"Why can't you just help me?" asked Shinji quietly. "You always tell me I'm wrong but you never fix it. You're too cruel, Mr. Kaji."
Kaji's eyes never left Shinji's face.
"Do you think you'd be better off not knowing?"
Shinji stared at the kitchen sink as he said, "I was happy before." When Kaiji didn't respond he added. "At least... I was happier. I don't need your help to feel awful. I already know how pathetic I am... I'm useless and weak." His eyes began to water, but he didn't care. "You don't have to tell me Mr. Kaji."
"I never said any of that."
"You don't have to tell me anything... ok." Shinji abruptly rose from his seat. "Thank you for the tea," he said, heading for the door.
"Do you know why I use your laundry mat?" It was such a jarring question that Shinji stopped dead in his tracts. "I have a perfectly fine washer and dryer here. Right inside the apartment. They're right there in that room next to the bathroom."
Shinji looked over at the room Kaji indicated. The door was closed, so he took Kaji's word for it.
"The reason is that every time I enter your building to do my laundry there is a slim chance, maybe one in every five visits, that I might see Katsuragi's beautiful face. And if I do see her walking out of the building or heading up the stairs I already know what to expect. She'll scowl at me as if I'm the lowest human being the world has ever seen. She'll give me a look of complete disregard and openly insult me to my face. And she will mean at least half of what she says."
Kaji chuckled lightly, but there was nothing humorous in his demeanor, nor in his little tale.
"I won't tell you what I've done to deserve such treatment. You know me well enough to know that it's probably justified. But despite all this, when I see her face it reminds me why I do the things I do each day. I know I'm not perfect and I know I never will be... but I can live from day to day so long as I have hope that she'll smile at me once again. As long as there is breath in my body, I will try to be a man who's worthy of her smile."
Shinji stood stock still in the doorway. His eyes were wide in contemplation.
"That's what love is, kid." said Kaji with a smile. "It's too damn beautiful to look at, and too damn heavy to hold, but you'd be a fool not to want it and a coward not to try."
xxxxxxxxxx
With some reluctance, Shinji decided to reprise his seat at the table. He could feel something real in Kaji's confession, and it made him rethink his previous assessment of the situation. Perhaps Kaji wasn't lying all that time ago when he had said that he'd lived through similar trials. Maybe there was more to this than just making him feel bad.
So he looked up at the man with a weathered expression and said, "I don't understand what you're trying to say."
In his defense, Kaji hadn't been trying to make much of a cohesive point. He was just searching for something that would get the kid to sit down and stay.
"Absolute love is unattainable, but the pursuit of it is not."
"So wait.. I should look for love then?"
Kaji shrugged. "If you want to, sure. Just don't expect it. And if you ever find it, don't get used to it either."
Shinji frowned and repeated himself. "I don't understand what you're trying to say."
"People make the mistake of thinking that the world is about them and their personal happiness. It's not. The only person who truly cares about your happiness is you. The rest of us couldn't care less."
"So I should look for my own happiness, then?"
"If you want to, sure. Just don't expect to find it."
Shinji shook his head.
"I don't understand what you're trying to say."
"There are very few things that you can have and hold in this world. Think of the handful of things in existence that truly belong to you. The clothes on your back, the cash in your pocket, and very little else. And even these things can be taken away."
"So I should try to hold onto what I have?" asked Shinji.
"If you'd like..."
"... but I shouldn't expect to keep it?"
"Bingo."
"I have no idea what you're trying to say."
"Then pay attention Shinji, because here comes the important part."
Shinji sat up in anticipation.
"There are some things in this world that no one can ever take from you. Your dignity. Your self-respect. Your sense of humor. Your cool. The only way to lose these things are to give them away."
"So I should never lose my cool?"
"Not unless you want to..."
"But I shouldn't expect to keep it."
Kaji shook his head.
"Not so, my young friend. If you want to, you can take that to your grave. Don't lose your cool. Never give them your dignity. Fight hard to keep your self-respect. And if someone tries to take either from you, you laugh right into their face."
"Oh..."
That wasn't the answer Shinji was expecting.
"Who are you Shinji?"
Shinji frowned in utter confusion.
"Doesn't the question answer itself?"
"Not in the least." Said Kaji without a hint of a smile. "Who is Shinji Ikari?"
"I'm... me."
Kaji stared intently into the young man's eyes.
"Are you weak and pathetic?"
It was a cruel thing to bring up the words he'd said in anguish. Shinji adverted his eyes.
"Are you?" asked Kaji.
"... you already know that..." Shinji mumbled.
"Do you want to be?" Kaji asked.
Shinji shook his head.
"Then stop it." Kaji said.
For a long time there was silence.
"... that's it?" asked Shinji.
"Yes," said Kaji. "Stop it."
"But... but how?"
"Humans are creatures of habit. We learn by doing my friend."
"Doing what?"
"Whatever it is you want to do."
Shinji frowned. "I don't understand what you're trying to say."
Kaji smiled.
"Would you like me to explain everything I know?"
Shinji nodded.
Kaji explained life.
Six hours later Shinji said, "I don't agree with everything you've said, but I think I understand you..."
"No one can ever understand anyone," said Kaji.
Shinji nodded in agreement and said, "I think I understand that too."
Fifteen minutes later, he went to sleep feeling tired and uncertain but not discontent.
xxxxxxxxxx
Shinji spent several days after his impromptu sleep over at Kaji's drifting in and out of thought. A lot of things the man had said resonated with him, but one thing stood out above them all: If you don't know what you want, how do you expect to get it?
Shinji didn't know what he wanted out of life, at least not in any detail. So he decided that the only logical course of action was to try and find out.
As he went through his daily routine, he found himself distracted. While riding his bike to school (with Asuka in tow) he started to question why he even bought a bike. Did he actually like bikes? Or did he just buy it because it was the first good suggestion someone made for how to spend his money. He supposed that having the bike did help him out in some ways. He certainly got places faster. But it wasn't as if he was always late before getting the bike either. The bike made his life a little easier, but he didn't exactly need it. Maybe he would have been better off spending his money on something else. Or he could have even saved it.
At school he found himself completely zoned out during a math test. He never exactly minded math, but that was a far cry from saying he liked it. What was the point of learning trigonometry? Would he ever use it in the future? He did not find an answer to those questions before the end of the class. A handful of test questions went unanswered as well.
Why did he reject Toji's offer to hangout again just to do homework with Asuka that he wasn't sure was worth doing? Why did he bother doing chores? He would only have to do them again. Why did he brush his teeth, or take showers, when one day he would be smelly and dead. Why?
It was only in those precious few hours alone with Asuka, that he ever managed to simply relax without thinking. When her lips met his there never was much to think about. Just the joy of sharing closeness and touch. It was so mind numbingly simple that he didn't dare to question it.
During the walk back from school one day, he lost himself once more in an inquisitive funk. This time he was contemplating why he bothered avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk, since his mother was already dead and probably wouldn't mind having a broken back. He was just about to question whether he liked the idea of morbid consequences in children's games, when he noticed the bus pulling up beside him. This led him to another line of questioning.
"Why is the bus here 10 minutes ahead of-"
He never saw it coming.
140 pounds of teenage flesh barreled into him and lifted him off his feet. At the same time the door of the bus opened up and a screaming Shinji was promptly carried in.
"What the hell?" he asked after roughly landing in the seat behind the driver.
"This is a rescue mission," said Kensuke. He pulled a banknote from his wallet and tucked it in the bus driver's breast pocket. "I think we're good to go now."
The bus driver didn't look too happy about the commotion, and a quick look around showed that many of the other bus patrons were none-too-pleased. Shinji shared this sentiment. The doors closed and the bus started to move.
"What do you think you're doing?" he asked Toji with as close to a dirty look as he could manage. He couldn't quite believe he'd been side-tackled into a bus. It wasn't on his mental lists of 'possible things to happen on a Thursday'.
"I told ya, we'd hang out," said Toji smirking. "Even if I have to kidnap yo ass."
Shinji vaguely remembered hearing a threat like that, but he had no idea that they'd actually do it. He looked between his two friends, in stunned awe. Despite being on the wrong end of this particular stunt, he had to admit his friends had balls. Big cojones, indeed.
Then realization struck.
"I'm supposed to write a report with Asuka!" They had planned on writing their reports earlier in the week, but were distracted repeatedly by each other's mouths. Since it was do the next day, Asuka had insisted on working on it right after school. The only reason they hadn't walked home together was because she had cleanup duty that day. She was so determined to get it done as soon as possible that she requested he leave his bike for her to ride back home. If he wasn't there when she got there…
In his mind, Shinji's right shoulder flared up in unthinkable pain. He quickly rose his arm to pull the yellow cord that signaled the driver to stop. Toji grabbed his hand before he could do so. Once again Shinji stared at him in shock.
"It's for your own good," he said.
Kensuke smirked. "He's worried about losing you to another woman."
"Shaddup," Toji grumbled letting go of Shinji's arm to swing at him. Kensuke leaned back to dodge the blow.
"You should hear him talking about her when you're not around," said Kensuke. "Calls her the succubus."
Toji briefly glared at him before returning his attention to Shinji. "Well she's sucking the life out of you," he said. "You been walking around half dead for weeks."
"I've just been thinking a lot…" said Shinji.
"Ya get a little play from a girl and suddenly you start droopin' around like a puppet with its strings cut."
"It's not like that!" said Shinji, much too quickly.
Kensuke's jaw hurt from grinning. "Does she hit you?" he asked. "It's okay to tell us. You're safe now."
"Look she doesn't… we're not…" But Kensuke's playful smile and Toji's hard grimace stopped him mid-sentence. He wondered why he should bother explaining himself. They wouldn't listen to him anyways. No one ever did.
Kensuke dropped his grin as he noticed the flash of anguish on Shinji's face.
"Hey, don't worry about it," he said. "We just saw you were feeling down and wanted to have a little fun."
By this time the bus had taken them well into the downtown area. Even if he got off now there was no way Shinji could make it home before Asuka. Shinji let out a defeated sigh.
"Alright," he said.
If he was going to die, he might as well try to enjoy himself first.
xxxxxxxxx
Shinji wondered why they always went to the arcade. The three of them rarely hung out much outside of school and Shinji had never seen either of their homes, though they had seen his. But when they did spend time together it was always among the flashing lights and sound effects of the arcade.
Kensuke led the way, as he almost always did. There was a new space shooter game out on the floor. What made this particular game different from all the other 2D top-down shooters was that it didn't pander to the bullet-hell crowd. It was more of a throw-back to old school shooter conventions where the player was tasked with shooting down wave after wave of enemies that mostly lined up on the side of the screen.
Kensuke dragged Toji and Shinji over to the game. He was brimming with nerdly excitement. Two other kids were already playing the 2-player vs. mode.
"They call it wave battle mode," said Kensuke gesturing to the screen. The two players' starships were facing each other as a wave of alien sprites swirled between them pinned between their fire. "See the goal is to be the first person to clear the aliens from your screen right. But then after you've cleared them, if the person on the other side isn't finished, you get to boost your score by killing their aliens too! And your bullets carry over clear to the other side, so you can shoot at the other player, while he's dodging enemy fire and trying to clear out his waves."
"Hmm…" said Shinji. He wasn't sure if he really liked these kinds of games. It was an interesting idea at least. The player on the left side was having a tough time shooting at anything, since the other player had him pinned down in the corner. He predicted that Kensuke would have either him or Toji in a similar situation pretty soon.
"These guys are pretty good," said Toji.
Kensuke scoffed. "They've got nothing on the videos I've seen online."
The left player managed to hold out through the wave and kill the last alien on his side. But in the next wave he wasn't so lucky. While trying to avoid fire from the right player, he swerved into one of the alien's bullets and lost his last man. His friend was able to hold out a little bit longer, but he died on the same wave in the end.
"Who wants to lose first?" asked Kensuke. "You want some Shinji?"
The idea of losing to Kensuke in another video game wasn't particularly appealing. But if he didn't play now, he'd just lose to him after Toji did. Besides, it was better to play Kensuke now, before he had a whole round of experience under his belt.
"Sure."
The game was rather quick and brutal. They both made it past the first wave without losing any lives. But on the second wave Shinji just couldn't find a way to dodge around Kensuke's fire. He spent so much time trying to avoid Kensuke, that he'd barely killed any aliens. And as the round drug on, the alien's increased their rate of fire. He wasted two of his three lives vainly attempting to flee from the corner. Eventually he just thought, "screw it" and deliberately flew into Kensuke's bullet, ending his last life and his part in the game. To add insult to injury, Kensuke continued to play another 6 levels before he was finally defeated by the aliens.
"Next!" he called out. It was pretty obnoxious.
"Oh yo ass is mine," said Toji.
He fared a little bit better than Shinji, making it through the 3rd wave unscathed. Then he was promptly dominated by Kensuke.
"This game sucks," said Toji.
"Nope," Kensuke said with a smirk. "You just suck."
"Well sorry I don't waste half my time jacking off ta strategy videos."
Shinji found himself nodding. It was kinda cheap.
But Kensuke seemed unfazed. He nodded sagely and said, "Haters gonna hate."
They made their way to several other games and Shinji wasn't terribly impressed by any of them. He wasn't very good at video games, but even the games he was decent at (mostly the light-gun shooters) he didn't exactly have a ball with. The only game he ever really liked as a kid was ski-ball, but neither of the other boys seemed all that interested in it. They just continued to drag him along to game after game. They never asked him what he wanted to play and he couldn't help but resent it a bit.
After about an hour or so, there was a lull in activity. They'd burned through most of their saved up cash. Shinji had tried to be polite and stick around for a while, but he was ready to call it a day.
"Come on man," said Toji. "Stick around and have a slice of pizza first."
"I should really get back," said Shinji. The 'to Asuka' at the end of that went unsaid, but not unnoticed.
"My treat," said Toji.
Shinji sighed. He wondered if he really wanted to eat pizza, if he was sticking around to spare his friends' feelings, or if he just couldn't pass up free food. In any case, he said "Alright" and the three of them went to order.
"Remember that time when I whooped your behinds at every game in the arcade?" Kensuke reminisced.
"Shut it."
"No?" asked Kensuke feigning surprise. "I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago."
"Yeah, well I kicked your ass in the hoop shooting game."
Kensuke shrugged smugly. "I think you earned just enough tickets for a spider ring. Congratulations."
Shinji looked warily at his friends as they tried to out brag each other. He hadn't won at anything. He never won any games. The only one he knew he was good at was ski-ball and they didn't play that.
He wondered why he even hung out with Toji and Kensuke. They only ever did things that the two of them liked. In school, they ate where they liked to eat and they always talked about what they wanted to talk about. Even now, he was hanging out with them because they practically forced him to. And they never asked him what he wanted.
Did he like the arcade? Sure he didn't hate it. But they never asked. They just took him there regardless. Did he want to eat pizza right now? Yeah… the pizza was actually pretty good, despite being greasy. But that wasn't the point. They just decided they were going to eat pizza. Maybe he wanted a burger. They never asked him. And they never asked… each other…
They didn't have to ask for permission to drag each other off to do things. They just did it. When Kensuke wanted to play a game, he said "Let's go play blah blah Blasters 3" and they went to play Blah Blah Blasters 3. When Toji wanted to have lunch on the roof instead of in the courtyard, Toji said "Let's eat on the roof" and they ate on the roof.
They just did whatever they wanted, and unless there was some objection, they expected the others to follow. Shinji didn't know how he'd missed this after all the time he'd spent with them. Maybe the fact that they didn't ask him what he wanted to do wasn't some grand conspiracy to invalidate his input. Maybe they just assumed he didn't care because he never tried to make any decisions!
The idea was liberating and also kind of sad. He knew why he'd never tried to decide anything. It was because he barely knew what he wanted. But even when he did know what he want, he always went along with what other people wanted, because they never asked him. And they never asked him, because they assumed he didn't care.
As they finished up eating, he realized there was a golden opportunity. He wanted to play ski-ball. He hadn't played ski-ball in years. And since they were no longer playing any of the games that both of the other boys wanted to play, it was the perfect time to do so.
All he had to do was open his mouth and say, "Let's play ski-ball guys," and then they'd all go play ski-ball… probably… maybe.
He opened his mouth to do just that when Toji said, "Well I guess we should get goin'," and stood from the table. Shinji sagged in defeat. "The bus will probably be around soon."
"Yeah, I suppose you can only suffer so much defeat in a day."
So much defeat. How much more could he take?
"Yeah, but not nearly as much as Shinji." Toji smiled at him. Was he supposed to laugh at that? Was his continuous defeat amusing?
"He's got to be used to it by now," said Kensuke. "But he keeps coming back for more."
It never ended did it. He never could win.
"Yup, a regular glutton for punishment," said Toji slinging an arm around him as they walked toward the door. Shinji barely stopped himself from flinching at the contact. "But hey, I admire a guy for trying."
Why though? What was admirable about losing again and again?
"Yup," said Kensuke smiling slightly at Shinji's dismay. "You'd never win if you didn't try."
Shinji's brain stopped for a second. His eyes went wide as he processed this casual comment. They never did what Shinji wanted to do and he never tried to do anything. He didn't know what he wanted, and he never tried to find out. He couldn't win like that. No one could.
He stopped in his tracks and his two friends stopped alongside him.
"Forget something?" asked Kensuke.
I forgot to kick your ass at ski-ball!
"… eh… maybe, do you guys wanna play a little ski-ball or something… maybe?"
"Right now?" asked Toji.
Oh crap. This is it. This is why I never bothered. Because even if I try it's only one step closer to failure.
"Eh… I just… sorta wanted to… if you fell like it… I guess…"
Toji and Kensuke exchanged glances as if to say, "What's up with this guy?"
Shinji felt himself growing smaller as he said, "We don't have to… forget about it…"
Then Kensuke shrugged. "Sure, I guess I can give you two one last beating."
Shinji blinked slowly. "So… yeah?"
"Let's get to it," said Toji clapping him on the back.
And they went to play ski-ball. It was as simple as that.
xxxxxxx
They were mostly silent as they rode the bus home. It was a little past seven so they had managed to dodge the rush hour crowd. Each of them had a seat to themselves. Shinji stared out the window with a smile on his face.
He did like ski-ball. In fact, he liked it a lot. Even after earning the lowest score between them three times in a row, he still had fun playing. Perhaps the arcade wasn't such a bad hangout afterall. And even if he decided he didn't want to go to the arcade, he could always ask his friends to do something else. Chances are they'd go for it.
When Shinji really thought about it, his friends had done a lot of things for him that day. They'd taken him out, paid for his food and some of his games. Hell, they'd even bribed a bus driver to change his route for their transportation. Sure they hadn't really asked him what he wanted to do and what they had chosen wasn't initially what he wanted. But they had tired to do something nice for him and they succeeded.
The bus approached Shinji's stop and found himself reluctant for the day to end.
As he rose to leave Toji and Kensuke said their goodbyes.
Shinji smiled and said, "Thanks."
xxxxxxx
AN: Wait… what? Why is this being updated? I thought this story was dead. you should ignore everything above this author's note, since this whole chapter is clearly a typo.
On a slightly more serious note: I really did think this story was dead. For a long time I knew almost exactly where I wanted to take it, but had no desire to write it. I think this was mostly because my dissatisfaction with earlier chapters. But now looking back on it, I think I was being too hard on myself. Sure the quality of writing before wasn't spectacular, but how do I expect to get better if I don't keep writing? As a result of thinking thusly, you now have this chapter, and I've already written about 1k words towards the next one. A preview can be found bellow.
On the Next Chapter of Whipped:
"You forgot one thing while you were having fun with your friends" said Asuka as she pulled the gun from her purse. "ME!"
Shinji wiped the tears from his eyes. "I don't know who I am anymore!"
"I now pronounce you, Mr. and Mrs. Soryu."
Ritsuko: "If the angel's velocity drops below 60 kilometers per hour it will explode!"
Maya "Me, pilot an Eva… but… I'm much too cute to risk my life!"
Kaji: "KHHHHHAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!"
"Gendo," said Misato softly. "It's your baby!"
Gendo: "This was not part of the plan."
See you space cowboy…