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Chapter Nineteen: Bond

Early March 2013 (Present Time)

It felt unreal. Like the past 48 hours didn't happen but they did and Emily was trying hard to wrap her mind around that. It helped to have her parents by her side and even having her friends there to keep her company in the hours she was forced to stay in her bed.

She begged the nurses every chance she got to get out of the bed and see her daughter just a few floors below her but their answer was always the same 'You need to rest dear'. Ha! Emily thought how anyone could rest when their baby is fighting for her life was beyond her. Not that Lily was doing badly because she wasn't but she was still without her mother.

The few minutes she did get to spend with her daughter Emily savored. She memorized every face her baby made, every noise that startled her or every noise that soothed her. The calming tone of Hotch voice that put Emily at ease so many times did the same for Lily. So she made sure Hotch was talking to her at all times. On more than one occasion he told her he was out of things to talk about but he kept at it. He rarely left her side.

And when he wasn't with Lily he was with Emily. She knew he was exhausted but he never complained. He held her hand while she slept and told her about every moment with Lily. Emily owed him everything for being there. They had yet to really talk about anything pertaining to them mainly because all their attention was on Lily and partly because Emily feared if she brought it up they would just end up fighting. She loved him for sure and wanted to be with him but now she was a mother to a beautiful daughter who was not his. He told her before he wanted both of them but all Emily could think was how long would it take for Hotch to resent Lily for not being his.

"Report time" Hotch's smiling face peeked in the door of Emily's room breaking her spell of thoughts.

Emily scooted up on the bed and grinned at him. "Hey, how is she?" she watched in amusement as he entered the room with arms full of bags and Garcia hot on his heels with a few bags of her own.

"Where do you…" he started to ask the blonde but followed her to the couch and dropped the bags. Turning back to Emily he smiled showing off his dimples. "Good her jaundice levels have gone down and Dr. Holder said after her afternoon check you can hold her."

"What?" Emily choked out. After the talk with the doctor Emily didn't think she would get to hold Lily for a few days.

"She said you get to hold her today." He walked to her and kissed her forehead.

"What about all the tubes and stuff? I don't want to hurt her and she's still on the vent. What if I move her and it hurts her?" she was excited to hold her baby but with the machines surrounding the girl Emily was a bit nervous. Reid had made a point to brush up on his knowledge of all things preemie so for the past day she had heard nonstop about things that could go wrong. For Christmas she plans on getting him a girlfriend maybe that will shut him up she mused.

"You won't hurt her." he told her confidently.

Emily shrugged still not sure and turned her attention to the blonde who was in the middle of pulling things out of the bags brought in and mumbling to herself. "Garcia, what are you doing?" she raised a curious eye brow.

"Well my wonderful Mama, you just couldn't wait for your baby shower so I brought your baby shower to you. But you do have to wait until the rest of the crew gets here." Garcia happily clapped her hands.

Emily frowned. She thought that was an upside to all this. She hated baby showers well not hated them but didn't see the point. Trying to figure out what kind of chocolate candy is melted in the diaper is just plain gross. And has anyone really smelt baby food before. She could live without that. Of course there were presents but she honestly didn't need anything else. Her apartment was full of everything her daughter would need thanks to her over excited Mother.

Then there was the fact that actually having the baby shower would just make her want to see her baby which she wasn't able to do. So the baby shower was a no go in her book.

Hotch squeezed Emily's hand noticing the unhappy look on her face. "I think it will be fun."

Emily pulled her hand away as if she was burned. "You have never been to one and you don't get a say in it. I'm the one laid up in a damn hospital bed being reminded that I have a baby but don't get to see her." she spat at him. It was more forceful than she was going for but it got her point across.

He sat next to her on the bed and leaned in close so she was only focusing on him. "You do get to see her and soon the doctor will release you and you can be with her all the time. But right now you are going to relax and let your friends have fun. Besides you get to hold her today." his voice was calm even though inside his heart was breaking for her. It was hard seeing her upset but all he could do was keep her spirits up about the good she still had to look forward to.

"Em, if you don't…" Garcia was cut off by Emily shaking her head and a flood of tears running down her face.

"No, I'm sorry. I just…" she sobbed. Bitch. I'm a bitch! She berated herself.

"You just miss her. I'm sorry honey. I honestly wasn't thinking. We can do this when you leave the hospital if you want." Garcia offered.

Hotch wiped away Emily's tears and murmured "I think that might be best. Thanks though Garcia." The blonde nodded and gathered her bags and quickly left the room. "Sweetheart, it's okay." He soothed her running his hands through her hair.

"It's not. I hate this. I'm not someone who gets upset like this and I just want to hold my baby and everyone keeps telling me to rest. I don't need rest! I need my daughter!" she vented her hormones and medications were coursing through her body bringing out a whole other side to her. One that just made Hotch smile and roll his eyes.

"I know you do." He wrapped his arms around her rocking back and forth gently until her tears stopped and her breathing returned to normal.

-CM-CM-

After afternoon rounds in the NICU Emily was wheeled in a wheelchair, much to her discouragement, to Lily's station. Dr. Holder was in the middle of explaining to Hotch how to help lift the baby and place her on Emily's chest.

"Is she doing okay?" Emily asked bringing their attention to her.

"Yes she is. Are you ready to hold her?" the doctor asked lifting the top half of the incubator so they could get to Lily.

"Honestly I'm nervous but I really want to hold her." she moved her chair right up to her usual spot so she could talk to Lily and lightly run her fingers over her little body. "Hello pretty girl. Mommy's here" she whispered moving her hand inside the bed. Lily liked being touched and normally she would wrap her fingers around Emily or Hotch's finger. It melted their heart every time.

"Don't be nervous although everyone is the first time but she is going to be fine." The red head assured her. "You're going to do the kangaroo hold which is skin to skin. So I'm going to put up this curtain so it's more private and Aaron here is going to help move you to the rocking chair. I figured you would want more time alone with her. Babies thrive doing this and I think it is really going to help Miss Lily control her breathing and help get the ventilator off sooner."

Emily happily moved to the rocking chair. If they were offering more time than she would gladly take it. She watched anxiously as Hotch and Dr. Holder maneuvered machines and wires around Lily as they lifted her from the bed and placed her on Emily's bare chest. The first touch of her daughter on her chest made her heart swell with love and pride. It was unlike anything she had ever felt before. She lightly ran her hands across the infant's back as Hotch reached over for a small blanket. Tears sprang in her eyes but she didn't shed them because crying would only make her take her eyes off the bright blues of her baby.

"You okay?" Hotch whispered draping the blanket over the baby and the doctor turned to check Lily's vitals on the screens.

Emily nodded softly. She couldn't speak yet afraid if she did it would upset Lily. Instead she lowered her chin and placed a gentle kiss to the baby's head. Closing her eyes she savored that moment. It was the first time she was able to kiss her daughter.

Hotch leaned back in his chair next to Emily and watched as mother and daughter bonded. It was utterly beautiful to see them together and he prayed with everything he had he would get to see it for the rest of his life.

Lily's eyes soon closed falling asleep happy and content in her mother's arms.

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and kind words. They mean a lot! Have some Jack action coming up in the next chapter!