Chapter Eleven:
Estuan Interious, Ira Vehimenti, Asuka! Asuka!
"If Haruhi gets pissed as a result, then you're responsible for dousing the flames, because I'll be running for my life"
-Kyon
In the week after that drunken Sunday, not much of interest happened, except for on Tuesday. Haruhi and Mikuru tackled me on sight when I got to school, crushing me in a hug and praising my 'Super special awesome ass-kicking skills' Those were Haruhi's words by the way. Rei came back from the hospital and joined us for lunch everyday, it was nice to see Haruhi being tolerant and accepting towards Rei. You're welcome. That was the only thing really worth mentioning until the next year, when I did a spit take of beer because Misato told me it was twenty sixteen. Yep, still Bizzaro world.
What I want to tell you about now, started in the week just after new year's, This 'second child' was on her way from Germany to help us fight the angels, and in a few days I would be flying out with Misato to meet her.
I sat with our our little group like it was any other day, eating outside in the freakin' beyond warm sunlight.
Haruhi looked bored as usual, and Misato told me something this morning, just in time for me to quell her massive boredome streak, I smirked as I looked at Haruhi,
"Why are you looking at me like that? You're not thinking something perverted are you?" She asked, blushing.
"How do you feel about aircraft carriers and the open sea?" I asked
She looked at me like I had some kind of robot arm growing out of my forehead,
"...What kind of wierd fantasies have you been having?"
"Huh? No! I'm being serious!" I said, taking a bite of my lunch and waiting for her response.
"...I don't know, I've always wanted to be on the Ocean though! I bet that would be really cool!"
I smiled again and turned to Mikuru,
"How about you, Mikuru?"
She looked up from her lunch nervously,
"I uh... I don't know much about boats, and I get seasick easily... I'm sorry! Was this some kind of joke? I didn't mean to mess it up!" I patted her on the head,
"It's nothing like that, don't worry"
"So what's with the wierd question?" Haruhi asked,
"Well... The second child is coming here from Germany, and Misato said I could bring two friends along to meet-" I didn't even get to finish my sentence, because a certain Reality warper jumped over the table -yes, over the table- and tackled me to the ground. Stop doing that! This is school, not football practice!
"Do you really mean it? Really, really, really? Oh my god, you're the greatest!" she was talking excitedly, babbling a mile a minute while she sat on top of me... on my lap. I'm not saying I did or didn't enjoy this.
"An aircraft carrier and the open sea! I can't wait to tell my brother! ...wait I don't have a brother!" She turned to Mikuru, causing her to squeal in terror, "We're going on a cruise, Miku-chan!"
Mikuru looked down to me, wringing her hands nervously,
"Oh, th-that's okay, I'll just stay home, I don't like that kind of stuff so...-"
"Bullshit!" Haruhi called, jumping off of me and wrapping her arms around Mikuru,
"No way I'm leaving my little sister at home, while I go to see cool NERV stuff!"
"But I'm older than you!"
Well I guess that's settled, I got up and looked at Ryoko,
"What?" she asked curiously.
"Misato is being really lax on NERV policy, and if you say anything, I will never speak to you again"
She looked at me like I had just killed a kitten,
"I won't say anything! I promise!"
Rei spoke up,
"My lips are sealed as well, this conversation did not happen"
I knew I could count on you, Rei.
A few days later, I was sitting in a VTOL with Haruhi and Mikuru, who looked like she was about to be sick, she had her head buried in my shoulder, for fear that the craft would just plummet into the sea for no reason. This didn't really seem to bother Haruhi, I figured she would be on Mikuru's case about smothering me... or even looking at me. For some reason, Mikuru seemed to be the only other girl Haruhi wasn't threatened by, which is wierd because Mikuru seemed to be the only girl she was threatened by in the old world. The old world... I sound like some European explorer traveling through America when I keep refering to it like that. But is my situation really all that different? This world is almost completely alien to me, with a few familiar touches, maybe those explorers did feel just like me... nah, they didn't have to deal with giant robots and monsters to my knowledge, maybe grizzly bears and the occasional pissed off natives, but that's nothing compared to this.
"Mikuru, how can you expect to get on that boat if you can barely sit in a VTOL?" She lightly slapped Mikuru's shoulder, causing her to straighten her back out of reflex.
"S-sorry! I've never flown before!"
Oh Mikuru, you can hang onto me anytime, I don't mind, really!
Misato turned around and glared at Haruhi,
"Listen Suzumiya, I'm only giving you a second chance because you're Kyon-kun's friend, so be on your best behavior!"
Haruhi blew a raspberry, "Don't worry about me, the most you have to worry about is Mikuru throwing up!"
Mikuru went pale at the mention of throwing up and dived back into my arm.
Don't worry, I'll hold your hair back if you throw up!
Misato groaned and face palmed, join the club.
"So what's the new guy like?" Haruhi asked excitedly, "I bet he's nowhere near as awesome as Kyon!"
You're too kind...
"Well she's got long red hair and a lively personality!" Misato replied
You're just trying to piss Haruhi off, aren't you?
"Oh, that's sounds- wait, she?" Haruhi screamed, thrashing her arms around in frustration, "At this rate, Kyon's gonna grow boobs, being surounded by so much estrogen!"
Misato chuckled evilly, enjoying Haruhi's frustrations.
I helped Mikuru get off the VTOL once we landed, she really looked like she was going to throw up any minute.
"Ugh! Come on Mikuru, man up! This is a once in a lifetime opporunity and if you think I'm going to spend it all holding your hair in the bathroom, you're very wrong!"
"But I'm a girl!" Mikuru turned to me, "I'll try my best, Kyon-kun..."
"Everything will be fine, Mikuru" I said reasuringly, I was very wrong.
Haruhi was running around the ship looking at everything, something about those old jets really captured her imagination, causing mixed reactions from the carrier's crew, they either groaned in irratation or chuckled in what I hope was good nature. If these old sea-dogs get any wierd ideas in their heads, I will snap some necks.
Haruhi ran in a fangirlish fervor, with her long hair flying wildly in the breeze, probably blocking her vision. She ran head on into a girl with red hair and a scowl that promised pain and suffering to any who annoy her.
Both girls landed flat on their asses and rubbed their heads for a moment, in a mirrored action,
"Hey watch where you're going, moron!" They shouted at each other in unison.
Oh god... why do I have this sensation of impending doom?
"Asuka-chan! Over here!" Misato called, waving at her from where we were standing.
'Asuka' ignored Haruhi and ran over to us, smiling,
"Oh hey Misato, long time no see!"
"You've grown up so much Asuka! I haven't seen you since you were this little!" Misato said, raising her hand to her waist.
"Well I'm not just taller, my figure's filled out too!" 'Asuka' stated, motioning to her... uh, form.
Uh-oh... Haruhi doesn't look pleased.
"Ha! You call that a figure? Check out these guns!" she said lifting up her shirt.
Oh for the love of a non-Haruhi god!
I ran like a star athlete and pulled her shirt back down, before any of these old salts got to see something they shouldn't. Look at them, with those goofy smiles on their faces... I wasn't joking around, I will snap necks!
"Hey what gives! I'm just showing off my superior female form!" She shouted as I wrestled her from behind,
"Haruhi! Dammit... don't even... think about it!"
"If you got it... flaunt it!" she yelled back
Asuka let out a disgusted "Ugh" and turned to me,
"So you're the third child? The so called 'invincible Kyon'?" She asked, "What kind of name is Kyon anyway?"
Don't even go there, woman!
Haruhi stomped on my foot.
Jesus christ that hurt!
She got in Asuka's face,
"Kyon means brightness! You're name means 'smell, tommorow'! That doesn't even make sense! Who the hell are you to talk about the number one Eva pilot like that?"
From looking back, I know that this is not something you tell this girl.
"I'M THE NUMBER ONE!" She thundered, "I'm the only pilot who's had actual training," she then pointed to me, "This loser just has a lucky streak! You just wait, you'll all see!"
I take offense to that!
After that, Haruhi and Asuka ended up strangling one another, I'm not even going to bother narrating that, and I'm also going to skip the part where we met the grouchy old captain and Mister Kaji, as I find it incredibly boring and tedious so I'll skip ahead to lunchtime.
You should narrate the catfight, I thought it was pretty hot! Miss Suzumiya and Asuka rolling around on the bridge, ripping each other's clothes off... and then Misato joined in with the oil!
What the? That didn't happen! And how are you narrating?
Uh hello! I'm Shinji! I can do just about anything!
Get out of here! Only I can narrate!
But it's fun!
GET OUT!
You suck...
Ahem... so anyway, we had a meal of sausages and saurkraut, I've never had German food before, but it was pretty good. Mikuru didn't eat, although I can't blame her, poor girl, she still hasn't gotten used to being on a ship. Haruhi, however, scarfed it down like she hadn't eaten in days. I'm pretty sure that girl has a cast iron stomach, I don't think I've ever seen her turn down a meal no matter what it was!
Are you calling her fat? I bet she'd be so pissed if she heard you say that!
I'm not calling her fat! And GET THE FUCK OUT! You're ruining my monologue!
I don't think this is technically a monologue, more of a-
What did I just say?
Sorry! I'm going!
God, even Haruhi isn't that annoying!
Misato glared at Mister Kaji as Sohryu drooled over him, yeah her full name is Asuka Langely Sohryu, She's german and a quarter japanese, in case you were wondering.
"So, do you have a boyfriend right now?" Mister Kaji asked with a lecherous grin.
I really don't like this guy.
"I don't see how that's any of your bussiness, Kaji" Misato spat at him.
"Oh that hurts, ow," Is there anything that can piss this guy off? He reminds me a perverted Koizumi!Mister Kaji lost interest in Misato and turned to me,
"So Kyon, I hear you're living with Misa-chan-"
"Don't call me Misa-chan!" Misato snarled
"Yep" I said, not really interested in what this jackass had to say,
"So tell me something... is she still so... wild in bed?" he asked, raising a sly brow,
I smiled, resting my head on my hand as Misato's face went red,
"What?" Everyone shouted in unison,
Time for some vengence, Misato! I'll teach you to tease me!
I sighed, "Not really, she just lays there and makes me do all the work"
Which in a sense, is technically the truth, not that I've had sex with her or anything, but just living with her is like that.
Mister Kaji did a spit take of the cofee he was drinking, getting it all over the side of Sohryu's head, who was too shocked to take any notice.
He then laughed, catching on to my joke,
"I like you kid! But beware, a sharp tongue can slit your own throat" he said, nodding towards Haruhi, who was gripping the table in a fit of rage, I think she left prints in the wood!
"You better be joking!" she screamed at me,
"I uh...-"
Misato cut me off with a wicked grin,
"Oh... is that how you want to play, Kyon-kun?" she turned to Haruhi, "Oh, Suzumiya~!"
"What?" she spat,
You didn't forget our bet at all did you? You bitch!
"I was joking! I'm sorry, Misato!"
"What? What were you going to tell me?" Haruhi asked, completely forgetting about what was just said, I've always wondered if Haruhi has ADD.
"Kaji!" Sohryu screamed, just noticing she was covered in cofee,
"Uh... sorry"
Sohryu left, saying something about changing.
"Oh, nothing~" Misato teased,
"Tell me! Tell me!" Haruhi practically begged.
Don't you dare!
"Just that kyon has a ponytail fetish~"
...That's what you were holding over me? You bitch...
Mister Kaji scooted closer to me and ran a hand through his hair, which was in a ponytail.
"Well~ Kyon, I don't normaly date guys that are younger than me, but I think I can make an exception for a famous Eva pilot"
"AHHHH!" Haruhi and I screamed in unison
"Just kidding"
I decked him in the face, hard.
"Ow! Okay, I had that coming" He said with a chuckle
Misato was on the floor, her face red from the lack of oxygen, it wasn't that funny!
After Kaji left for 'bussiness', whatever that meant, the rest of us rode up an escalator. Oh joy! More escalators! That snark felt forced...
"What a pig! I can't believe that Kaji guy!" Haruhi shouted, causing Mikuru to flinch.
Misto grabbed Haruhi in a side hug,
"Suzumiya, I had you all wrong! This is the begining of a wonderful friendship!"
"Well of course you had me wrong, I'm an aquired taste!"
For once she's acurate about herself...
"Hey third! Wanna see my Eva?"
Asuka called from the top of the escalator, wearing a red and orange plugsuit.
Not really, but you're probably going to drag me to see it anyway...
I sighed in defeat, preconcieved defeat actually, and said, "Sure why not?"
"Now just hold on!" Haruhi said, strangling me by my tie, Why didn't I change out of my school uniform? "I'm going with you to make sure she doesn't do something dastardly!"
Misato giggled and restrained her,
"You're so cute when you're jealous!"
"I'm not jealous! I have nothing to be jealous over that toothpick!"
"Watch it brat!" Sohryu spat as we met her at the top,
"Let me go!" Haruhi yelled in Misato's expert grip.
"Sorry new NERV policy, you're not aloud anywhere near the Evas"
"What kind of policy is that?" Haruhi screamed.
Misato wasn't joking either, I read the memo. It had Haruhi's name, picture and everything!
"Please calm down, Haruhi!" Mikuru wailed
"What a crybaby! That's what I'll call you!" Sohryu pointed at Haruhi, "Brat!" she pointed at Mikuru, "And crybaby!"
Haruhi might be a brat, and I just might let you get away with calling her that, but you leave Mikuru alone!
Mikuru hid behind Misato as Haruhi looked like she'd rip the woman's arms off and thrash Sohryu at any given moment.
"Haruhi, I'm just gonna go before this scene gets ugly"
"Yeah, smart idea!" She spat as I walked away with Sohryu, "And you better not be goofing off!"
"Like I'd do anything with a twerp like you" Sohryu stated as we were out of earshot.
I almost feel like I'm dealing with Haruhi when I first met her, this girl is a trip! And I don't much care for her.
"Shut up Sohryu"
"So what's the deal with your girlfriend, she on the rag or something? I thought I had a temper!"
"She's not my girlfriend!" I shot back.
"Could have fooled me, how can you not see how into you she is? Are you just oblivious?"
"Again, shut up, Sohryu"
"Don't tell me to shut up, you're a nobody!"
"I'm your team leader" I shot back.
...bitch.
"What? How can those idiots make you the team leader! I saw the footage, you just let that brat overpower you!"
"She's a force of freakin' nature, I bet she'd overpower you in a heartbeat"
"I doubt it! I can't believe they made you team leader..."
"This is it! Behold unit two!"
How did you get on top of it?
We were on the deck of the ship under an enormous tarp covering what looked like a mix between a swimming pool and an Eva cage, and Sohryu had just climbed on top of her Eva without me noticing, seriously, how did she do that?
"So why is it red?" I asked, not really giving a shit, I'm not feeding this girl's ego, I have to deal with Haruhi as it is.
"Because red ones go faster, moron!"
"Is that a warhammer reference?" I asked
"Do I look like a nerd?"
"You apparently know what I'm talking about, so... if the shoe fits."
"Fuck you, Ikari!"
Ouch.
There was a rumbling from off in the distance, I looked out and saw something speeding between the ships, knocking them over.
"An angel, here?"
"Why would you just immedietly assume it's an angel?"
I watched the spectacle unfold and saw what looked like a demonic moby dick bite through a battleship like it was plastic.
Yep, Angel. Dammit, will I ever get a break!
I was ignored as she climbed down and threw a duffel bag at me,
"You're fast" I complimented,
"Like I said, red ones go faster!"
"And like I said, warhammer reference"
Blam!
"Ow!" She punches like a man!
"That smart mouth is really aggravating!"
Fuck you, Sohryu...
I pulled a spare plugsuit out of the duffel bag and inspected it,
"This is a girl's plugsuit!"
Sohryu crossed her arms and tapped her feet impatiently,
"Don't be ungrateful! You're lucky I'm generous enough to lend you one of mine!"
Something clicked,
"Wait, do you want me in the Eva with you? Because in my expierience multiple people in one Eva is a bad idea"
"JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU!"
I sighed and obliged, even Haruhi isn't this explosive! You were right Shinji, I appreciate her so much more
A/N: After rereading this, I noticed a certain line that might be taken offensively "they didn't have to deal with giant robots and monsters to my knowledge, maybe grizzly bears and the occasional pissed off natives, but that's nothing compared to this" Too any people of native American descent, I apologize if that offended you, I'm a tiny bit cherokee myself, and I hope you realize my intentions were for good natured humor. I am well aware that Evangelion is merely a fictatious anime, and that during the discovery/colonial period a lot of real native Americans were really killed and taken advantage of for land. I am sorry. But with that being said, be proud of your heritage. I know I am.
Also, I'm pretty sure Kyon means brightness, although I think it's meaning really depends on what symbols you write it in. I don't know, but I'm certain I got Asuka's name translated right.
Also, I've read a lot of things here and there where Shinji is called 'The invincible Shinji' I'm pretty sure it's cannon, but if not, I apologize for its usage on Kyon. But I'm pretty sure it's cannon.