Note: Just finnished washing my car and getting movies. I am so going to be broke. Why must I waist all of my money! But, once again, writing brings me comfort. As you'll notice, the warning on this chapter is very long, lol. Couldn't help myself, this chapter is going to be so much darn fun. Look out! Poor Elizabeth. And so far, surprisingly, I think my brother is my biggest fan. Lol, he's loving this story, if it wasn't for him bugging me to update I would probably have not written past chapter 1. So ta brother.

Sheppardster: PREGNAT? Gosh I hope not. That would really ruin everything for John and Elizabeth. Maybe she is! Oh know! I hope their going to get it together too. They are so annoying. Don't change name ... I like it. Must keep name!

Snow'sLuckyCat: I like the way you quote what you liked. Gives me an idea of what works. Thanks for that. You're going to hate me, I completly forgot about April Fools day, it wasn't in the book either you see. But it's OKay, I made up for it with plenty more horrid things. Maybe when the un-cut version is written you can see what REALLY happened. Lol! "I almost fell, your lips caught me" ? You have no idea how much I laughed at that, it's so lame and funny and FREAKIN' FUNNY! Lol. How do you know she's not going to quit. Have faith, she will do it.

Evenstar: So glad I hooked you. You will never be released. More laughter ... am so happy.

Rachel Kirk: Is there going to be any ships? Well so far we have John/Random, Liz/Rodney, Liz/(someone bad from this chapter) and maybe a few more I'll come up with later. Oh, another Sheppard/Weir person ... I dunno, will have to see about that one.

peanut: Of couse she's in character, how could you think she's not! Lol, so you like the McWeir? Or prefer ShWeir? So confused. But I'm glad people from both ships are reviewing. I was going to add Sheyla, but so confusing, maybe later on or in the second story (did I say that out loud).

theminority: Lol. Nope, am a ShWeirer. Actually, I think I'm more a McShWeir person. The three of them are just so funny all together, it's crazy.

BeachchickJASSNL: AHAHAHAHAHA! Woah, settle down, I promise it's all for the sake of good quality entertainment. You don't think there's enough ShWeir already, you musn't be reading it right. Oh wait, it didn't come in untill THIS chapter ... my mistake.

Weirfan: I'm so glad you reviewed. Like I said, is really good to see non-shippers reading too. I'm trying to put a little bit of everything in. Who do you ship?

Disclaimer: I do not own StarGate Atlantis or the novel "Bridget Jones's Diary" by Helen Fielding.

Warning: Use of swearing, adult themes, bad stunts which shouldn't be copyed at home, bad behavior, agression, anger, violence and just over all a whole lot of stuff you shouldn't copy as adopting this life style could indeed affect your health.

Elizabeth Weir's Diary!

April: Inner Poise!

Sunday, 2nd April

54 kg, 0 moonshine, 0 cigarettes, 1687 calories.

Afternoon. Atlantis: My quatres. Am as cool and calm as a cucumber. I am the queen of Inner Poise. I haven't had a drink in 3 days, haven't had a smoke in 3 days, haven't cursed Rodney or wished death upon Mindy or given John more reson to ignore me. Haven't thought about Simon in ages either.

Except then.

And then.

And then.

And then.

Damn, am bad at this.

3 p.m. Need a drink, need a cigarette ... calm ... cool (...).

Late Night. Atlantis: My Quatres. Seriously though, do not need Simon. Am getting along just fine without him. And Wraith will soon be destroyed thanks to my brilliant mind and fantastic comunication skills. I wonder if it's time to go to bed yet? Oh no, it's only 8:30. Inner Poise.

Monday, 3rd April

54 kg, 0 moonshine, 0 cigarettes, happy thoughts: 776, 1564 calories.

7 a.m. Have realised that I suffer from Mondayitis. This must stop if am going to be great leader with strong sub-conciousdespitelack of boy friend and impending death - Inner Poise. I have realised that my old Monday schedual will never do.

6 a.m. Wake up early ready for a day of important work.

6:15 a.m. Kick self for waking up so early.

6:30 a.m. Go back to sleep as no one in their right mind would start work so early.

6:45 a.m. Getting hungry. Force self to get out of bed and freshen up.

6:50 - 7:15 a.m. Stare up at ceiling. Lights ... bright.

7:20 a.m. Open up wardrobe. Stare at 'Galaxy Quest' clothing.

7:25 a.m. Select standard pants. Open up drawer to select favourite red top. Favourite red top not there. Go in quest of favourite red top. Still no sign of top. Have a cigerette to cheer self up.

7:30 a.m. Wash, apply make-up, fix hair, hunt down missing under-wear, curse under-wear theives, find under-wear, appologise to underwear theives for acusing them of something they didn't do. Get dressed.

7:52 a.m. Remember that left favourite red top in Simons room after he took it off me the last time we were together. Retreave top. Have another cigerette because miss Simon.

8 a.m. Realise that probably should have been in office about an hour ago. Have cigarette because am late.

8:15 a.m. Hair wouldn't sit right, had to fix it. Remembered Caldwell's briefing is on this morning. Have another cigerette due to stress.

8:20 a.m. Leave room at last.

8:22 a.m. Forgot radio. Very important, go back to room for radio.

8:25 a.m. Can't find radio.

8:30 a.m. Hear Bates' voice come over radio wondering where I am. Found radio.

8:35 a.m. Leave room.

OKay, that schedual is just not going to work for me. Especially now I have new life and am a changed person.

Late Night. Atlantis: My Quatres. Am going off-world tomorrow. Very excited. Get to have people brandishing guns for me. Am so important.

Wednesday, 5th April

Can't weigh myself as am off-world, can't count calories as don't know what am eating, no. of times have played eye spy with self out of bordom: 8675 (very, VERY bad).

Unrecognisable time. Off-world: Some hut. Negotiations went well. I am goddess. I'm so clever and pretty and smart. Only took me a few hours to have them convinced that they needed to help us. Huh! Will remember impressed look on everyone's faces forever and ever. John looked stunned.

Little while later. If John looked stunned, that means he never thought I was that good. Which means he doubted me. Which means ... Inner Poise ... must remember to breath.

After Dark. Off-world: Outside. Am so happy. Am now watching brilliant light desplay of obliverated Wraith ships. Now ... waiting patiently for John and team to come back. They better be alright this time. Must have patience.

Thursday, 6th April

Probably Early. Off-world: Rather nice looking room. Everyone's safe, everyone's fine. We really need some of this technology. John did say they only managed to destroy one ship out of 7, but those remainding 6 retreated off to who knows where. And who cares, so long as their off our tails I couldn't care less. Am genius, can see pride in John's eyes as the leader of these people worships me. OKay, so their worshipping him too, I guess he did do a good job.

Random time. Have asked us to stay for celebratory party tomorrow. I knew they were just like the Athosians at heart. Must keep distance from Rodney, no matter what happens.

Very late. Off-world: My hut. Party wasn't as bad as I thought. No alcohol was to be had, turns out these people have never heard of moonshine. Funny, now I really feel like moonshine.

These people were a lot smarter then originally thought. One particularly stubborn male who was not going to back down on his theories of the StarGate got a mouthful from me. Inner Poise was nearly destroyed, but I was too strong. I kept calm, even though I knew he was wrong and I was right. I was actually surprised I had leant so much about the gate fom Rodney's non-stop scientific talk. Am proud of myself, I actually listened to the man.

The argument got more heated when a few of his buddies showed up and started to agree with him. I was out numbered this time. Then I felt someone brush by me and help me out.

'No, Elizabeth's right. It's pronounced GAY-T. Not GAT.'

As I looked around I saw a dark haired man in jeans and a black button up shirt next to me. It was John! I was so shocked I just sorta stood there starring at him with my mouth opened. He looked at me from the top of his glass, lowered his eyebrows and shrugged as if to say, 'WHAT?'

Somehow I managed to re-compose myself and I went back to trying to help these poor stupid people. John agreeing and nodding with me the whole conversation. Teyla and Dex joined me after that, but as they were both aliens and had no idea about what running water was, they couldn't help much. Was still glad for their support though. Kept finding my eye sight travelling over to John.

Ack, I had to get out of there. Still kicking myself for stupid reason to leave.

'Scuse me, I have to go make out with Rodney.'

Am so stupid, I realise the aliens had no idea what make out meant, as far as I knew neither did Dex or Teyla, but my comment made John snort and spill some of his drink. Wrong thing to say I guess. Oh well, live and learn. I just had to get John off my mind. So I went for a walk, a short one ... very short. Amazing what a pair of jeans and a shirt can do for someone ... it was at that moment I felt a hand lightly wrap itself around my waist.

I turned around so fast I hurt my neck. 'Simon?'

'You left rather quickly. I heard about the good job you did.'

Then the bastard tried to kiss me. After being away for so long without a word, not even wishing me a Happy Birthday, he just comes back and expects me to forgive and forget.

'No you don't. I have found Inner Poise and don't need you anymore.'

I am a cucumber!

'Inner Poise ey? I was watching you at the party. Talking to Colonel Sheppard.'

Hmph. So he watched me from afar and didn't come up and stick up for me. Bastard, who needs him. Pathetic loser. He gave me a really dirty look then. Or maybe it was just me imagining he had. Either way I had to get away. I missed him, really did, I felt like jumping on him right then and having my first sexual experience in a foreign world. But ... Inner Poise. So I struggled from his sexy arms and found my hut to hide in. Damn Simon, he could have followed ... NO! Must ignore him.

Sunday, 9th April

52 kg (other world foods), 0 moonshine, 4 cigarettes (eep), 1456 caloried, no. of times got butt kicked by Teyla: 7, no. of times thought about jeans and black shirted John: 67 (terrible).

Early Moring. Atlantis: Gym. Just finnished sparring with Teyla. Lost, every time. Still, she says I'm getting better. Personally, I think I'm getting worse. John just entered - he gave me the eyebrow. He dosn't look half bad dressed for gym.

8 a.m. AH! Am out of control. Need Simon back, is not professional to think about John in such a way. But haven't talked to Simon since shut him down off-world. What am I going to do with myself. At least am not going to die any time soon. That's a good positive thought; see, Inner Poise.

Late Night. Atlantis: My Quatres. Okay, Atlantis is big, but not that bloody big. Searched for Simon all day, where could he be? I waited outside his quatres for a little while hoping to catch him, then realised was being desperate and stupid. I don't need Simon, never did, never will. I'll show him I can get along just fine without him.

Midnight. Need a cigarette.

Wednesday, 12th April

54 kg, 0 moonshine, 12 cigarettes (horrible), 1722 calories, no. of times got butt kicked by Teyla: 8 (I knew I was getting worse).

11 a.m. Haven't looked or cared about Simon for the past couple of days. Am very proud of myself. Decided to toss cigarettes into the ocean as I wont be needing them anymore.

11:15 a.m. Just got back from the storage room. Needed cigarettes, someone tossed mine out the window.

Afternoon. Atlantis: Gym. Teyla assures me that I am indeed getting better. Should really quit whilst I am ahead though, stick fighting just musn't be for me. John just said he wanted to spa me. Am so out of here before make complete arse of myself.

10:45 p.m. Am so content with happy life. Never thought could be so calm and collected. Am at peace with the world. My body is a temple and all that crap. I owe it all to Inner Poise.

Monday, 17th April

56 kg (what happened), 6 glasses of moonshine (have been good up till now, so dosn't count), 167 cigarettes (not so bad concidering level of stress am under), 1086 calories, no. of times have banged my head against the wall: lost count.

8:30 p.m. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I am out of control, I have officially lost it ... I - I ... I need a drink.

9:00 p.m. OKay, have calmed down now. Still hugging bottle of moonshine, holding on for dear life. Suddenly what happened dosn't seem so bad with lots of drinks. I mean it was completly justified.

9:15 p.m. Oh, who am I kidding, no it wasn't.

9:30 p.m. So, was sitting in my room, minding my own buisness and running a nice hot bath to relax in, when I hear yelling from outside in the hall. I go to investigate. When I get there, I see Ronan Dex and a young air-force officer I recognised as a man named Brad. Brad was waving around a pair of leather pants claiming that they were in his room and therefore belonged to him. Meanwhile, Dex was yelling that they belonged to him, they were precious to him and that Brad had better hand them over or else.

I decided not to get involved, did not want to stand between two men and their leather pants. Next thing Bates runs up to me breathing very hard.

'Dr. There's water pouring through my ceiling.'

I forgot about the fucking bath! Next thing I know I'm running back to my quatres and into the flooded bathroom. Water absolutly everywhere. The taps wouldn't turn off so Bates ran and got a spanner. I had a few cigarettes whilst he was away, helped releave the stress somewhat. When he came back we finally managed to stop the water and after attempting to clean up in which I appologised over and over to him about ruining his quatres I offered him a drink. What can I say, seemed like a neighbourly thing to do after what I did. Had a few cigarettes too, I never knew he smoked. Next thing we start laughing about the whole bath water incident - we had both had a lot of moonshine by then. Then suddenly - I don't even remember how - he was all over me. We we're kissing and touching and goodness knows what else.

Well it was definitely an awkward situation. I mean I didn't want to seem ungrateful as I had just flooded his living space and after all, I was the one that made him stay and have a few drinks. I know that didn't exactally give him the right to sexually harass me, but all in all it was rather enjoyable. To know was with another man, completly over Simon. Inner Poise had rewarded me. Then suddenly Dex appears in my doorway waving around his leather pants triumphantly. We pulled away from each other so fast I still felt like I was attached to him, weird. If Dex was shocked, he didn't show it. I think he was just happy to have his pants back.

I think it was about then that I realised I had just kissed Bates. I don't know who I thought it was, but when I realised it was Bates, I suddenly felt very ill and ashamed and stupid and annoyed and frustrated and hell! My Inner Poise was out the fucking window.

10 p.m. Am so ashamed. I just want to roll over and die. If Simon had just stayed with me this would never have happened.

11 p.m. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Friday, 21st April

53 kg (don't care), 7 moonshine (don't care), 78 cigarettes (hmph!), 2453 calories (drowning sorrows in food).

Afternoon. Atlantis: My Office. Have lost the will to live. Have not spoken or even looked at anyone since incident which I have now called 'fuck!' simply for lack of better name. Plus that seemed to sum up my thoughts on the situation completly. I need help, really, is not funny any more, am very un-well.

8:45 p.m. Well it finally happened, I finally snapped. John came into my office today. Recently he had been for a short trip off-world and he needed to confirm some of the trade items with me. He just entered and I didn't even look up.

'Yeah, what?'

He sort of just stood there starring at me with a strange look on his face.

'Something wrong?' he asked me raising his eyebrow.

YES THERE BLOODY IS! I wanted to yell at him, but I decided to take a sarcastic approuch instead.

'Noooo, everything's just fine. How are you? How's Mindy?'

At that he went very quiet. Felt very satisfied.

'She's fine, really fine. She'll be glad you asked about her.'

And with that, I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to hear that she was fine, I didn't want to hear that she'd be glad I asked, I wanted her to trip over the balcony railing and tumble down into the strong current below where she would be swept away to a Wraith feeding ground. Was so angry at John I did the only thing I could, the only thing that would make me feel better. I threw one of my jars at his head. Unfortunatly his reflex's were too quick and he caught the jar before it hit him, so I wasn't very satisfied.

Then he just sorta stared at me stunned for a while. I just glared. Then, without warning his expression changed to one of anger and he just opened his hands and let the jar fall to the ground smashing into peices. With that he swore loudly and walked out.

Couldn't believe it. How dare he! What's his problem anyway.

9:00 p.m. Am so depressed about jar. I really liked that jar. Now I only have one.

9:30 p.m. Am misserable, misserable human being.

Sunday, 23rd April

Have lost all will to live, am so depressed. Yelled at John today, he yelled back. He seems really pissed off at me, I guess I did throw a jar at him. But he broke it ... bastard broke my jar.

Saturday, 29th April

Early Morning. Atlantis: My Quatres. Oh screw bloody inner poise, it can just go jump. Am going to smoke, am going to drink, am not going to go spa with Teyla. Am going to stay here, in bed, cursing and wishing death upon everyone.

2 p.m. Simon came up to me today whilst I was busy "WORKING" in my office.

'Can I speak to you?' he asked in a very serious manner.

'No.' Was so angry, I blame him for whole jar incident.

'Look, I'm sorry. I really don't know what's going on, just this whole Wraith attack thing really scared me. The first time something that life-threatening had happened to me. I just didn't want you seeing me upset, that's all, because I wanted to be strong ... for you.'

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I know he's full of crap, but how the heck could I ignore that. His face was just so precious.

'Liz ... please.'

And, just like that all is forgiven. After all, it was John that smashed that jar, not Simon and it was Bates that made me throw it, stupid Bates. And it wasn't Simons fault that incident 'fuck!' happened, was moonshine which was given to us by Athosians who came to stay here because of John. So really, all is John's fault. So really, don't feel bad for throwing jar.

Late Night. Atlantis: Simons Quatres. Really missed Simon. Am just going to stay here all night drinking moonshine, smoking and doing what all couples love best. I love Simon, don't know how I ever got on without him.

Sunday, 30th April

52 kg (sexexercise), 8 glasses of moonshine, 32 cigarettes (ack!), 921 calories.

Late Night. Atlantis: Simons Quatres. Am so very happy with life. Have Simon back and all is grand.

11:15 p.m. But I do really miss that jar.

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AN: LOL! That was fun. I love the way in your reviews your all questioning my lack of ShWeir. Come on, it's there ... subtle but there, just like the show. They'll get there eventually, maybe ... or maybe they wont. AHHHH! Elizabeth is not going to like what's in store for her in May, that is all I'm going to say. Thing's are going to get crazy once more. And don't worry about Bates, one time thing, he dosn't even remember. He can't handle his moonshine very well. Still can't believe I did that to poor Elizabeth. hugs AM SO SORRY, THERE WAS NOONE ELSE!

Oh, and just wanted to make sure it's readable. I mean there's alot of bold, italics and indentations that sometimes dont show up because I use note pad. I try to fix it up the best I can, but sometimes things can happen. So just making sure it's presentable enough.