Note: Firtsly, I appologise. I realise this has taken me ... well, its taken me a while. And I am soooo sorry, so please let the hate mail stop, put the guns down and whoever posted me that bomb ... well lets just say you owe me a new car. OKay, so this is a late christmas present if any of you are still reading it and not completly fed up with me. I promise to regularily update again (I hope). So this chapter, was orignially going to be my fav, but once writing it, it annoyed me. I'm not good at writing StarGate techno bable and making off-world trips seem cool. So sorry if it's long winded, or boring, or what not. Just remember, things look good, but then they have to get REALLY ugly before they all work out again. And sometimes they don't work out. Thats called bad luck. Lol! But we can only cross our fingers and hope for the best. So enjoy, Elizabeths' ugliest month.
Disclaimer: I do not own StarGate Atlantis or the novel "Bridget Jones's Diary" by Helen Fielding.
Warning: Use of swearing, adult themes, bad stunts which shouldn't be copyed at home, bad behavior, agression, anger, violence and just over all a whole lot of stuff you shouldn't copy as adopting this life style could indeed affect your health.
Elizabeth Weir's Diary!
July: Falling apart!
Saturday, 1st July
58 kg (but miserable holiday fat, will leave now am back to stressful job), 32 glasses of moonshine (make up for all the alcohol I missed), 89 cigarettes (make up for all the smoking I ... well, I needed it Okay), 2100 calories (off to a bad start).
Early Morning. Atlantis: My Quaters. Never, ever thought I'd say this, but it's great to be home. And despite my previous worries, John and Mindy have not gotten married (at least I don't think so, I didn't see a ring) and Rodney is still completly female free. Days on Exotic Island with Simon were nothing short of disasterous. Our whole trip revolved around us doing various activities that just helped along our bordom, eating food and then sleeping together to make up for the lousy day we had. Not long ago I probably wouldn't have complained at all, but it just wasn't right. I felt the only reason we were there was because I almost blew myself up which made Simon feel sorry for me which ultimately led to him taking me on a holiday.
Now we're back and I haven't seen head nor tail from him since we arrived. Bloody rat, where has he run off to?
4 p.m. Rodney and Zelenka just bombarded me with stupid, crazy plans for something totally pathetic and irrelevant to anything we're doing here.
'And I think it's important that we ... Elizabeth?'
Rodney just stared at me confused at that point because I was staring at him with a great big smile on my face. I was just so happy to be back on Atlantis. Everything just feels so right here. Back to the old ways.
5 p.m. Shouldn't have smiled at Rodney, now he's giving me a list of things he needs. He's cornering me! Got to get away! Stupid Atlantis ... why can't I be back on earth?
Maybe I can hide from him in this storage cabinet. Hmmm, didn't know we had a storage cabinet here.
5:15 p.m. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just recieved the biggest fright of my life. Jumped in random storage cabinet to get away from Rodney. Was very dark but completly Rodneyless. Was just congratulating myself on the great hiding spot when suddenly I realised I wasn't alone. I heard breathing. It frightened me, but only a little. I mean it wasn't like heavy darth vader type breathing you'd expect from crazy psyco's that hide out in storage cabinets, it was rather soothing ... WHAT AM I SAYING? Loonatic! Fucking Loonatic! Next thing I know I feel hands around my waist and an eager voice mutter, 'I've been waiting for you Elizabeth.'
Then I screamed like a girl, burst through the door and ran for my quaters, I didn't even look around to see who it was. I'm so frightened, no where is safe!
6 p.m. That voice was so familiar ... ack! Don't even want to think about it. This is all Rodney's fault.
Tuesday, 4th July.
57 kg (WHY WONT IT GO AWAY), 3 glasses of moonshine, 76 cigarettes (when one fears for their life, one does these things), 899 calories, no. of times have screamed like a girl when someone mentions storage or cabinet: 134 (who knew those words were used so much in daily conversation).
6 a.m. Spent the past two days avoiding anyone and everyone. Who grabbed me? Are they still out there? What if they're waiting for me in my office and I can't get away? WHAT THEN????
Am becoming paranoid. Simon came back at least. Last night, came sneaking into my room and snuggled up to me. Gave me a fright at first, but then felt safe and secure in his arms.
Afternoon. Atlantis: My Office. Have just finnished giving filthy looks at John. Am torn between pure hatred and gratefulness at the moment. I mean, he cared enough for me to carry me and my outrageously heavy body half way to the SGC infirmary and yet ... KILL! Why can't he just come to his senses and dump Mindy in the ocean.
Before it was just lust, making out with each other whenever they could. Now it's small pecks on the check. 'Goodbye John, see you tonight,' and 'ta ta Mindy, you know I love you.' Since when has he become Mr. OneWomenMan? What happened to him being Mr. FlirtGod? He's not supposed to settle down with her ... he's supposed to have dumped her and moved on by now.
4 p.m. I need a drink.
Wednesday, 5th July.
57 kg (... breath ... must remain calm), 0 moonshine, 0 cigarettes (excellent), 410 calories, no. of times got beaten by Teyla: 2 (VERY GOOD!), current score board: Elizabeth 1 John 0.
Late Night. Atlantis: My Quaters. Was going to start work nice and early this morning. Made my way to my office and caught a glimpse of lovely sunrise through the windows. Just stopped a moment to take it in when I saw them. John and Mindy ... sitting together on MY balcony watching MY sunrise and laughing away happily at some private joke. Got so angry I turned right around, barged into the Gym and spared with Teyla.
'You've been practicing,' she told me after the second time she'd beaten me. HUH! Wrong, I'm just very pissed off. She grabbed her towel and was obviously going to finnish up, but I still had so much anger. Was going to challenge Ronan but when I saw the look he had on his face I decided against it. But then, who should walk in ... John.
'Dr. Weir. What are you doing here?'
'Sparing with Teyla. What are YOU doing here?' Stupid question, so very stupid.
'Well I was going to go a round with Teyla but ... if you want to? I mean ... if you think you're ready?' He was threatening me! I had to do it. OKay, not REALLY a threat, but I didn't like his tone. Long story short I kicked his tiny, yet incredibly solid (as I found out when I hit him especially hard on the rear end and my stick splintered down the middle) butt. Stupid moron just smiled at me.
'Not bad for a beginner. Next time I'll fight you for real!'
BASTARD! Does that mean he was going easy on me? Why? Damn it, if Teyla can handle it so can I! If I had of had a jar with me, I would have thrown it at his messy head!
12 a.m. Since when have I been "Dr. Weir"? What is he? To good to call me Elizabeth now?
Friday, 7th July.
Too depressed to weight myself, too depressed to drink (what is this world coming to?), too depressed to smoke (oh okay ... 12 ... but its depression smoking and dosn't count), too depressed to eat.
Late Night. Atlantis: My Quaters. Have lost Simon once again. If I had one dead wraith for every time he disappeared and left me in my time of dire need, I would have ... a whole lot of dead wraiths ... hm!
Today turned out absolutly horrid. In fact, I just think I'll give up on life and stay buried under my covers for ever. This is all Mindy's fault. Horrid, horrid girl. What is her deal anyway? First I run into her in the mess room 'Oh ... hello Dr. Weir ...' she opened her mouth to say something, looked around nervously as though someone had spotted her and then excused herself. Then, after lunch, she was at the labs. This time she made a direct bee-line for me, I would have run away but curiosity held me in place ... then she walked right on past me. Again in Carson's office ... 'Dr. Weir ... I - I ... I was just done here' and to no big surprise she ran right past me again.
By then I was so fed up and so frustrated I decided to take matters into my own hands. Naturally, I couldn't talk to Mindy - that's just absurd! So instead I approuched John ... big mistake. I was VERY angry!
'Dr. Weir ...' he said, smirking as I stormed up to him. There's that formality again - hmph!
'Colonel! What is with that girl friend of yours?' I blurted it out not even thinking and I really regret it now. The look on his face was that of pure shock. It wasn't very profesional my asking, but I didn't care in the least.
'Mindy? What about her?'
'What's her problem? Why does she keep coming near me?' Wasn't exactally the way I wanted it to come out, but that's what I said. Cause truth be told, I was sick of her hanging around. Sick of running into her. Why couldn't she just go off-world and never come back?
'What are you talking about? When has she been going near you?'
'All day, everywhere I go ... she's there. She wont leave me alone! What's wrong with her?' That started it ... I've gotta learn to keep my mouth shut. But a few anger management classes on Johns' part wouldn't go astray.
'Nothing's wrong with her! Maybe it's you that has the problem!'
'Me? (how dare he, still fuming) HA!'
'Yes you! I don't know what's wrong with you. Your not happy so you take it out on me, because I AM happy!' His words struck hard. He was right, I am miserable ...
'What? That's not true. I'm happy! What's there not to be happy about?' OKay, so I lied ... what can you do?
'You tell me. Your mad at me because your relationship isn't working out and mine is! That's why you keep snapping at Mindy all the time.'
Ouch! Well it just goes to show he missed the point entirely.
'You don't know what your talking about! Your just jealous!' Oh please let someone have tampered with my memory, I can't believe I actually said that ... so childish!
'Jealous? HA! Of what? You and Simon? Surely your not implying that!' I went silent about then, because I realised that's exactally what I had just meant, without actually meaning too. The look he was giving me was that of pure hatred. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset. So I walked away. Not very mature I know ... but that's what I did.
Now I'm lying in bed, alone and miserable just like John said I was, wondering if that conversation actually happened.
Yuh ... preety sure it did.
Satuday, 8th July.
58kg (How? When? Where? Why? I'm being punished ... punished for my evil ways), 1 LARGE bottle of moonshine, 12 cigarettes (see, not too bad ... OH OKAY! It's 12 packets ... just so upset), AND WHO CARES HOW MANY CALORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Afternoon. Atlantis: My Office. Decided this was the best place for me to hide and bury myself in self pity. Walked past John this morning only to have him walk past me without so much as an eyeball in my direction. I never used to mind when people ignored me, wasn't that big a deal. But when someone who looks at you every day suddenly decides to ignore you, it hurts.
... where's that bottle of moonshine I had lying around here.
Late late late late Night. Who kno's realy. Could never found botel of moonshiney godness ... butt Rodney kind man alwayz shares with me. Goooooood drinkies sittin round ... John ... John ... what a fuck head ... why not like me for? Only 1 that thing can b done. I'm goinna find him and sort this out ... OUCH! Dor ... who put a dor there ...
Sunday, 9th July.
58kg (It's still there - Fat ... BE GONE!), 0 moonshine (never want to look at it again), 0 cigarettes (might throw up if I smoke), 0 calories (might throw up if I eat).
Early Morning. Atalntis: My Quaters. So sick! SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick! Should never have visited Rodney begging for alcohol. I still can't believe I was on my way to see John, good thing I hit my closed bedroom door a second time and passed out on the floor, otherwise who knew what else I would have said to him. Must try and get out of bed now ...
Ah! Bad, bad, bad move ... I think I'm going to be sick.
10 a.m. I knew there was a reason I hated working on a place like Atlantis. In any other job, Sunday would be a day off, regardless if there was an emergency at work, you could just fix it when you went into work on Monday. On Atlantis, however, if there's a problem it has to be fixed right away, even if it is a Sunday ... even if you are extremely hung-over and would prefer just to curl up in bed with a bottle of water, feeling sorry for yourself.
I finally got up the strength and will power to get out of bed with my pounding head when my ear piece went off. 'Dr. Weir, you're needed in the gate room.'
I resisted the temptation to yell out 'GET SOMEONE ELSE TO BLOODY DO IT' and made my way slowly to the Gate Room, where everyone was already waiting. Teyla and Ronan were deep in conversation toward the back of the group, John was completly ignoring me as was per usual since our screaming match and Rodney, I was VERY pleased to see, looked just about as shit as I felt.
'What's the problem?' I said, sounding as though I really didn't care and really didn't need to know the answer. Because I really didn't care and I REALLY didn't wanna know the answer. Rodney was holding his head and screwing up his face as though my barely audiable, non-caring voice was hurting his head.
'We just recieved word from a very primitive planet in need of our help,' Teyla chimmed in as she heard my question. Now it was my turn to hold my head. I never realised what a high pitched and brain knocking voice Teyla had. I really shouldn't have drank so much, it's very hard to take your leader seriously when she's screwing up her face every time you speak.
'What do they need our help for?' I asked, once again not really wanting to know the answer. Why couldn't people sort their own problems out like we had to.
Rodney quickly silenced Teyla with a wave of his hand as he decided, like he always did to take over. 'All they want us to do is help them pick a leader for their ... er, tribe I guess you could call it, for lack of a better word.' He held his head as I just gave him a very blank look. They could not be serious. Fancy disturbing me from my self pity excercise for THIS.
'You see,' he continued with that same tone he usually used, the one that said, 'you're all stupid and I'm not so shut up and listen to me'. 'Apparently they heard about us from occupants on a near-by planet. Seems we have some credibility out there after all. Every five years, four or five men run for leader and they always choose outsiders to help pick a suitable candidate. This year they've asked us to help them choose.'
I waited for Rodney's words to set in. Yep, they were definitely in there, no doubt that was exactally what he said. Now the response from the leader (being me) is ... drum roll please ... 'THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD!' ... well it was. And still is, what a dumb way to elect a leader, it has nothing to do with us, we could pick the worst candidate for all we care.
I actually got a nod of approval from John, even though he didn't exactally look at me when he did it. Even Teyla said a very quiet, 'I agree'.
'Yes, it is, but I wouldn't have said anything if we weren't getting something really great in return.'
And there it was, the thing that we get out of it ... and let me guess it's a ...
'A ZedPM,' Rodney finnished, with an excited grin that seemed to disagree with his pounding head because it disappeared very quickly.
The things we do for ZPM's ... I wish the darn things had never been invented. Of course I had to agree. Now I'm stuck here trying to decide who I should take to be on the 'panel of judge's' as I'm so lamely calling it. So far I have ... me. Well I mean, come on, I'm the only person smart enough to pick a suitable leader for these poor souls. I guess we could use Rodney's pickiness and John will surely pick the strongest and ... god help me, this is such a stupid waste of time.
Late Night. Atlantis: My Office. Still here, but I have come up with a good selection: Me, John, Rodney, Teyla (as a leader herself she would no doubt help pick out a very capable leader, exactally what these people need) and Simon. Yes, Simon, even though I haven't seen the poor excuse for a male around in days, where the heck could he be?
11 p.m. Speak of the devil, Simon arrived. I was just settling down to sleep when he arrived, barging into my quaters like he owned the place. His explanation for being absent, 'there was troubles on the mainland.' HA! Yeah right! That's the lamest excuse I ever heard. Was too tired to argue with him so just rolled over and let him wrap his arms around me like he always did. I should have kicked him out ... such a long day ... really is nice to have him here again ... God, I'm so pathetic!
Wednesday, 12th July.
Early Morning. Atlantis: My Office. Work, work, work, work. That's all I seem to ever do. I live to work ... how sad is that. I feel like it's all I've got at the moment. Despite my best attempts to get John to at least look at me for even a split second, he has still managed to completly ignore me, it's as though I no longer exist. He's my head of security yet he still hasn't said a word to me about this up coming mission. Teyla and Ronan are off working on the mainland, Rodney has been unusually quiet. I'm even starting (shoot me now before I actually write it) to miss his mass emailing. The only person that's actually been around is Simon ... OMG, he's actually around. I think I may just die of shock!!
His story checked out. The problems on the mainland, the one's which he needed to spend so much time away from me for, were confirmed by Teyla's sudden need to rush there by Jumper the next day. A few of the old Athosians had passed away and she was off to say her goodbyes. How sad ... I don't want to get old and die. What if John still isn't speaking to me by then? What if I die and am forced to haunt him untill I can get him to speak to me one last time.
9 a.m. I suppose being a ghost with unfinished buisiness wouldn't be so bad. I wonder if I would be able to haunt Atlantis.
9:15 a.m. Of course I'd be able to haunt Atlantis. I'd be dead, I could do whatever the heck I wanted to.
9:30 a.m. I should really try sleeping ... these distractions are a sickness!
Friday, 14th July.
56kg (nerves), 4 glasses of moonshine (hydrating the nerves), 7 cigarettes (fumagating the nerves), 808 calories (can't eat ... nevrves).
Early Morning. Atlantis: My Office. I knew something would have to happen to dampen my perfect plans for our off-world trip. Teyla radioed in from the Mainland this morning, informing me that she wouldn't be able to make it on out little trip. So now I'm one panel member short. Couldn't even ask Ronan because he was on the Mainland as well, helping Teyla with her 'more important' stuff. Shesh!
Guess I could ask Zelenka, or Beckett or one of the other female staff members so I'm not the only female going.
11 a.m. Should have known Zelenka would pull through for me. Not quiet sure how a scientist is going to help with the final decision, but what can you do. He was so eager.
'Radek ... I have a huge favour I'd like to ask of you,' was my approuch to the man who was busy doing something smart on his lap top.
He stopped what he was doing and looked at me, wide eyed. I took it as my oppurtunity to continue.
'Well, there's this off-world trip, that I'm sure you've heard about and -'
'Yes!' he'd said before I even finnished what I was going to say.
'Oh ... oh you will? Great then!'
Wish I had his enthusiasim. If only I could get other people in this Ancient spirit infested city to do what I say that easily.
1 p.m. Okay ... really starting to get nervous now. I always get nervous before going off-world. Not that I ever let anyone know that. It just seems that every time I tag along something bad happens. Oh well, must take comfort in the fact that I have Simon there to protect me if anything should go wrong. I knew there was an upside to having a boyfriend.
2:30 p.m. I love Simon so much. Nerves are practically all gone. He's made me something to eat, grabbed me something to drink and even offered to file some of my papers. To which I snapped at him for even suggesting to help me file, he should know by now I have a very strict system. But bless him for trying.
Late Night. Atlantis: Simon's Quaters. Didn't much feel like sleeping in my bed tonight. Those butterflies are coming back again. Simon suggested that I have sex with him to rid myself of the feeling, slight distraction. Once again, bless that man for being so selfless. Naturally I took him up on the offer didn't help much ... but I must have put him out so much. Don't you love a boyfriend who will gladly put himself way out for you. HA HA HA HA! I make myself laugh ... no really ... hilarius!
Saturday, 15th July.
I weigh nothing, am on another planet, as light as a snow flake, no moonshine as they dont have any (note to self: choose leader who can make moonshine), no cigarettes - am off-world, imposible to count calories, no. of women spotted on this back water planet: 0.
Possibly the Afternoon. Off-world. My designated wooden shack. I still can not believe this. Butterflies in my stomache have completly disappeared. I'm now in a blind panic. Not only am I off-world in some strange smelling shack, but I'm practically all alone.
Woke up this morning reaching for Simon, a stupid grin on my face.
'Thanks so much for your support Simon, this trip is going to be a lot easier knowing you're with me.' I smiled and hugged my precious boyfriend. But the moment he squirmed uncomfortable I knew that something was up.
'Ah ... yeah. About that. Look Lizzy, I'd really love to come with you, but I'm affraid something important has come up. I've got a lot of work to do on the Mainland. Thought I'd give Teyla and Ronan a hand.'
HOW SWEET AND COMPASIONATE OF YOU ... YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!! I'm the girl friend. I'm the one he's supposed to help.
'Plus, I already know you got this one completly undercontrol Liz, you're the best.' With that he kissed me and ran out of the room before I even got the chance to explode at him.
So I went to the gate room alone, stepped through the gate with John who still hasn't said one word to me (Wow, he's better then I thought), Rodney and Zelenka who were more interested in bickering with each other then me and Lourne and his team. We were greated warmly enough by the current leader Monterelium (who fortunaltly let us call him Monty) and were introduced to all of the candidates. Then we were shown around the puny, little poor excuse for a village and then asked to stay in our shacks untill morning. Rodney refused untill he saw the ZPM, Monty showed him and that shut Rodney up for at least two minutes.
Oh and did I mention that so far I have not spotted one female. That's right, all males. All of them, the whole darn village, I couldn't believe it. This has got to be some sort of trick. I want to go home.
It's dark outside my shack ... so Night ... still Off-World. I'm scared and alone. I want to go home.
Wednesday, 19th July.
11 p.m. Atlantis: Infirmary. Oh don't tell me you didn't see this coming. I mean we were practically asking for trouble. I'm sitting here being checked over and over and over by Carson who wont let me leave untill he is fully satisfied that I am fine. So ... where should I start.
The whole trip was a waste of time. We sat there for the first few days listening to each candidate talk of how they were going to be the one who made the village a better place, who gave their men (for there were still no women to be seen) the best financial aid, building better shacks, blah blah blah. I mean when you've been to as many political debates as me you begin to know these sort of speeches off by heart. Empty promises that's all they were. I mean what sort of financial aid could anyone offer, 5 star shacks consisted of an inclosed toilet (which was just a hole in the ground) rather then an open/shared one. I mean really!
So they went on and on and on, and we had no sense of time anymore, each day just seemed to mould into one big long never ending nightmare. All my fears and concerns were completly forgotten about in all of the bordom. And ... naturally, that was when it all fell apart.
It was time for the physical test, the test of strength, you know, men showing off. I wasn't allowed to go and watch as women wern't allowed in the fighting ring ... I mean, I really may as well have never gone to this stupid planet in the first place. Zelenka and Rodney stayed to keep me company which left, technically only John from the panel of judges, but Monty had practically let Lourne and his team join the judging too. So John, Lourne and his three team members all went off to their little wrestling match.
At first all was well, Rodney and McKay played one of their stupid math games whilst I tried to catch up on some much needed sleep. I was just drifting off when I heard Zelenka shout something that I did not recognise, followed straight after by Rodneys paniked cry of 'Elizabeth ... RUN!'
Stupid Rodney! First of all I was almost fast asleep so it would have been imposible for me to completly come round and realise what was going on, let alone actually get up and run past about five huge, solid looking men. Secondly there was only one way in or out of this lousy little shack and it was already blocked, so where was I going to run to. All I could do was give Rodney the evil eye for telling me to run (I mean really!) when he clearly knew it wasn't going to help, as I was grabbed forcebly by two of the solid looking meat heads and dragged out side.
We were dragged outside into the open where nearly every memeber of the village was standing around, yelling and screaming as though they were a hungry pack of tribal freaks who were going to cook us and eat us to clense our spirits or something. It was then I really started to panic. Rodney began yelling out to John, he just kept screaming 'SHEPPARD!' and I think it was about then I relised I was going to die. I just had that feeling. If it was serious enough for Rodney to call out for help, then it had to be bad. I opened my own mouth to shout out but one of the men holding me slapped his hand against it very roughly to shut me up.
They led the three of us to what was preety much the centre of the village. All the shacks were circled around this area anyway, and this was where they lit the fire each night. But there was no fire, there was now a large table, or alter, whichever way you looked at it. I caught a glimpse of Zelenka who looked like he had passed out. The two goons carrying him were dragging him along like a rag doll.
'Now shut up all three of you, or I'll start swinging,' one of the largest men I had ever seen shouted out as he picked up a rather sharp and nasty looking axe. Rodney stopped shouting immediatly, even I stopped mumbling through the giant hand that obscured my mouth.
'We don't like outsiders deciding who should lead our people. We will use the three of you as an example to our current leader. We want a say in who our leader should be.' There was a massive cheer as the large man with the axe finished his words.
'Oh my god we're going to die,' Rodney said. From the look on his face it was clear he was giving up. Suddenly I felt very angry.
'You see Rodney,' I yelled out, a little louder then I expected. 'I told you this was a stupid idea, but you never listen to me. EVER! You and your stupid big head!'
'Enough!' The big man with the axe was practically drooling now in anticipation of killing one of us. I felt my heart stop ... I was sure that was it.
'Her first,' the big man yelled out, pointing at me. I had never been so scared in my entire life.
The crowd roared again as I was pushed up towards the alter and shoved onto it. At that moment, as the freakishly large man raised the axe above my head, I felt as though I should say something profound. But as Zelenka was passed out and Rodney was so determined on shouting loudly for my freedom, I thought my words would just go to waste, so I didn't. Looks like I was going to die not ever talking to Sheppard again. Maybe haunting Atlantis wouldn't be so bad after all.
All I remember seeing was the axe come down closer and closer towards my head, I didn't even close my eyes, better to face death front on. Something I had learned from the brave souls on Atlantis. But death never came, one minute I was looking at the axe falling towards me, next moment I heard a shout from Rodney and I was rolling off the alter. I fell on the ground and something crashed down on top of me, wimpering in pain. It was Rodney. As I look back I realised he must have broke free from his captors, jumped at me, knocked me off but got cut in the meantime. It was only a small scratch on his arm from the axe, but he was still carrying on as though he was dying. He was rolling around in the dirt saying something like 'Oh what a world, what a world.' I was so caught up in the moment and so grateful to be alive, thanks to Rodney, that I immediatly rushed to him to make sure he was alright. But before I got there I was seized once again.
And once more I found myself on the alter, I tried to wriggle free of my captors, but this time the large man tossed his axe aside and signalled for the men holding me to let go. I tried to make a break for it but the large man pinned me back down. I couldn't move, my arms and legs were trapped underneath a shocking weight. I thought I might actually shatter, like glass. But there was no axe and he had an almost hungry look in his eyes. What was he playing at? Was he going to kill me or not? It was at that moment that I realised with absolute horror that he was not planning on killing me this time round, he meant to do something far worse. I mean after all, lonely men, no women, the urges must have been ... I can't believe I'm actually finding an excuse for what they were going to do to me! Ack! I was so scared I couldn't think, all I knew was I wanted to go home.
... that's when I heard it, gun fire. Oh sweet, sweet gun fire (never thought I'd say that ... EVER), there was instant chaos as the villages ran every way that they could. But the heavy freak on top of me still didn't budge. I tried calling out, but I was suddenly finding it very hard to breath. He was cutting off my air supply, with one great big hand resting just below my neck. He was crushing me, everything was going dark. But then, with a sexy little growl and with strength I didn't know one man could have, John Sheppard charged into the giants side and sent him crashing to the ground. I gasped for air as I saw him hold a gun to the giants head and shout out, 'don't even think about moving.'
It was then, before everything went dark that I saw John's figure appear above me. He was practically yelling at me, 'Elizabeth ... you okay?' I tried to reply but no words came out. 'Elizabeth?' I saw him shake me gently but I didn't feel a thing. 'LIZ!' But that was the last thing I heard before I slipped into unconciousness.
... And now here I am, in the infirmary after that very traumatising experience, still being looked over by Carson. John's just sitting in the corner on a chair watching Carson look me over and over for any injuries. Zelenka's still passed out and Rodney's still complaining about his arm. Once again, we cheat death and walk away in one peice ... what a life ey.
Friday, 21st July.
54kg (Infirmary food), 0 moonshine, 0 cigarettes (after death experience decided to quit), 2098 calories (so hungry).
Early Morning. Atlantis: My Office. Yes back to work, didn't take long. Spent all night (after Carson finaly released us from the Infirmary) to write up the mission report. Makes me tired just thinking about everything we went through. But all in all, I learnt one valuable lesson in all of this, I am always right and Rodney is never, I repeat, NEVER, right. At least John is speaking to me again too. Well sort of, he has that look in his eyes again, that look of ... what is it? Pity maybe, who knows, but he looks at me as though I'm going to fall to peices. Or maybe he's just glad I'm alive, I certainly have him and Rodney to thank for that.
2 p.m. Suddenly felt very upset. In all the drama I forgot one very important thing. Simon wasn't there. There was John, there was Rodney, there was even Zelenka, but the one person that should have been there, the one person that was expected to be there, or at least come running to see how I was, was Simon.
2:30 p.m. Bastard!!! Where could he be? Teyla and Ronan came back as soon as they heard the news, where the heck was he?
Sunday, 23rd July.
Who cares how much I eat, drink, smoke, snort, it doesn't matter, I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, I'm not good enough for anyone.
Afternoon. Atlantis: My Quaters. If I could go back in time and stop myself from doing one thing it would be what I did yesterday. I was so stupid. I was feeling a little upset that Simon hadn't come rushing back to me to see how I was, so I asked Rodney if he could fly me to the mainland. Wanting to get away for a while himself he kindly agreed. Or maybe he just realised it was better not to disagree when I'm like this. So there I was, on the Mainland, looking for Simon.
I should have seen it coming, I mean, all the trips to the Mainland, all the staying back, working over time, ditching me for work, something I can say for sure that Simon NEVER used to do. After asking several of the kind Athosians where I could find him I finaly stumbled upon the little dwelling in which he was staying. When I walked into what would be his room and his room alone I saw something that made my near death experience seem like nothing.
There he was, my boyfriend of over 5 years, stark naked, in bed with a beautiful, young, Athosian girl. I just stood there in shock. It all made sense now, how could I not see it before. I felt so stupid!!!
'Lizzy?' Simon said, looking up from his Athosian girl to see me. 'Oh shit ... Liz?'
But I was gone before he could say anything else, I rounded up Rodney and we got in the Jumper and flew back to Atlantis. Once there I went straight to my quaters, almost Zombie like and just crashed onto my bed. And I've been here for a good 12 hours and going to stay here untill the cruelty of life ends. Why did I have to go find out where he was? I could have lived my life without knowing.
Late Night. Atlantis: My Quaters. Feeling so small right now ... I think it's finaly happened, I have no more tears to cry. I've officially ran out of tears. HA! Who would have guessed.
I finally decided to get up and stretch my legs. Maybe go for a walk to my favourite balcony and watch the moon shine down on the water. But once I got there, of course, I wasn't alone. John was there, staring out to sea. He was so deep in thought he didn't even notice me as I leaned on the railing very close to his turned back. I cleared my throat and he turned around immediatly.
'Oh ... hey, didn't hear you come out here. How are you?'
I ignored the question. If I was asked that one more time I was going to shoot myself in the foot. He seemed to notice I didn't want to discuss that, and clearly not knowing what else to talk about he looked back out to the moon. I felt ridiculous standing there. We used to be able to talk about so much together and now, we can't even hold a simple conversation.
It was then that I felt myself on the verge of tears. I should have walked away, a near death experience, a boy friend cheating on you, all mixed with what could possibly be PMS and you get a very insecure, very vulnerable, very confused girl which basically means lots and lots of tears.
'John?' I said, making sure I got his attention first. He turned to look at me, full attention. 'I'm so sorry. For everything, really. I've just been ... and well, you didn't deserve me yelling at you the other day and I'm sorry, you and Mindy are none of my buisness, and yes, sure, she is annoying but hey that's not your fault and I should learn to deal with it, not take it out on you ... and your right, my life is a mess so I took it out on you. And I'm sorry for that too. I should have just gone to bed and locked myself in my room, but no, I had to say something, couldn't keep my big mouth shut and now I've gone and ruined it all and I feel stupid. And that whole off-world thing. Well, I was against it from the start, but it was my fault I should have said something, and I nearly got killed and Rodney, and Zelenka and I'm sorry for that too and I ... I'm sorry for rambling on like this.'
I took a breath and risked a glance at John. His eyebrows were raised in utter shock. Hey, even I couldn't believe I spoke that much. And then the tears started, I held them back as much as I could, but a few rolled down my cheeks, and as much as I reassure myself that he couldn't have seen them, I'm preety sure, that unless he was blind (and being a pilot that would be hard), that he saw them.
He took a step back, probably surprised, maybe he just wanted to get away, who knows. Then he said. 'Where's this coming from? ... None of this is your fault ... And you haven't ruined anything.'
I didn't want to listen. I turned away as the tears became harder and harder to control and my breathing was sounding horribly strained.
Then John did it, I had my back turned so it wasn't so bad, but he simply said 'Elizabeth?' in the same way he did when we were off-world. Confused, concerned, scared. And it was, well nice, nice to have someone that cared so much amongst all this trouble.
'John? What's going on?' It was Mindy. I could tell her voice from a mile away.
'N-nothing, could we just have a moment,' John said. I heard Mindy say okay as though it was no trouble. Anything for her John. I didn't want to be here, it wasn't right. So I ran. Back to my quaters, where I once again retreated to my bed. Now I have to live with the embarrasment tomorrow of knowing I broke down in front of John and now Mindy saw too. Could this month get any worse!
11 p.m. I need chocolate. Chocolate makes it all better.
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AN: I'm sorry for spelling. I stayed up late just so I would finish before bed so you's could actually read it. You deserve it, thankyou for being so patient when you clearly didn't have to be. I know this chapter is a little full on but it had to get out of the way. Really want to know what you think, not as funny, I know, but this chapter couldn't be. Hope you all still read this. And stay with me folks, next chappy up soon. August ... can't get any worse I'm telling ya!