Well, it's Friday, and that means it's time for another chapter! This time, we find out that amateur surgery should be left to the experts.

Thank you to everyone that has read, and more thanks to those of you who have reviewed. To the ever faithful KRP, it'll be a while before they start learning the Patronus charm, but New Demnin is definitely interested. Practicing the Unforgivables should be easy, even Avada Kedavra. Remember Moody/Crouch and his spiders? And as for the battle at the Dept. of Mysteries, you'll just have to wait and see. To our newcomer, Snood, I'm glad you've caught up and I'm glad you're enjoying yourself so far. And I must say, writing the interactions between Esdras and Umbridge is fun. Because of his position in both Azkaban and mortal society, he's able to get away with saying a lot more than your average person. As for interactions with Grawp, they will be few, if any. Remember, Dementors don't like people taller than themselves, so they'd go floating off in fear.

Those of you out there that haven't reviewed should review. It's a great help to me to hear what you all think of my work. So press the little button at the bottom of the page and let me know.

Unfortunately, there's no Azkabaaner in this chapter, I must be slipping. But I still don't own HP.

Chapter 7 – An Arm and a Leg

The Ravenclaw Quidditch team stood around the bulletin board in a state of total shock. Esdras groaned and rubbed his temples. "I hate being right all the time."

Cho read over the twenty fourth Educational Decree for the twenty fifth time. "No student organizations, societies, teams, groups and clubs may exist without the knowledge and approval of the High Inquisitor." She turned to face her teammates, fear easily discernable on her face. "No teams, that can't mean the Quidditch Teams, can it?" She was met with silence. "But that means that we can't practice until we talk to Umbridge."

Esdras nodded and turned to his fellow beater. "Ben, as captain of the team it's up to you. You have to go talk to her and get the team approved."

Ben Britten held his hands out in front of him and shook his head madly. "Oh no you don't, I want no part in this. I have no desire to get anywhere near that woman. Being in her Defense class is hard enough."

The Dementor gritted his teeth together and unconsciously slipped into an Azkabaaner accent. "Then take Cho with you. Take whoever you need…Dumbledore, I don't care. Just get this thing dealt with."

Ben sighed and steeled himself for the inevitable. "In that case, we'll all go together. We all have a vested interest in the team being approved and I don't want to go alone. When should we do it?"

Cho was already at the door, holding it open. "Now. Before breakfast. We might as well get it over with."

And so, the valiant seven marched their way into the hall, down the stairs, and towards the office of the Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts. They knocked on the door and were admitted entrance, and what they saw shocked them. Esdras' hood was wide with horror and astonishment. He whispered as low as he dared as they entered. "My gods, I've never seen anything more gaudy in my life."

The office was filled with lace doilies, cutesy figurines, and, behind the desk, a collection of decorative plates with kittens on them. Sitting behind the desk, the vast bulk of Umbridge smiled with sickening sweetness at them. "Come in, come in all of you. Is there something that I can help you with?"

Esdras jabbed Ben in the back, causing him to step forward involuntarily and into the professor's scrutiny. He stammered before he was finally able to get out the words. "Yes, ma'am. We wanted to come and get your approval for the Ravenclaw Quidditch team to meet and practice, since we need your permission."

She leaned back in her chair and regarded the students calmly. Finally, her eyes came to rest on the Dementor and she smirked. "I'll consider it."

Britten did a passable impersonation of a fish for a moment, long enough for the door of the office to open and the blonde head of Draco Malfoy to peer inside. He called out to the seated professor. "Slytherin Quidditch team?"

Umbridge nodded. "Approved." As the door closed, she returned her attention to the seven Ravenclaws. "Was there something else for you?"

Esdras already had a hand over Cho's mouth, and the mortal was struggling violently in his iron grip. He smiled politely. "No, thank you, ma'am." His voice suddenly turned harsh. "All of you, let's go."

The Dementor waited until they were safely down the hall before releasing the seeker. Cho thumped him hard on the arm a few times before settling in to glare at him. "Just what the hell was that all about, Esdras? You saw what she did with Malfoy right then and you just took it!"

Gliding along impassively, Esdras nodded. "What other choice did we have? If we had done or said anything right then, she would have had ample reason to deny our team permanently. As it is, I think she's only holding off on us for one reason. Me." At the shocked looks from his mortal friends, he continued. "I suspect she wants to get back at me for the spectacle I put on when I called the Treaty of Edinburgh into abeyance. This is her chance."

Cho sighed softly. "So what do we do now? We can't ask you to leave the team just so we can play. You've earned your spot on it just like the rest of us."

Esdras smiled slightly. "Don't worry; we're just going to use her ignorance against her."

The next morning, Esdras floated in front of the door to the Defense professor's office with Roger Davies, the only one who had been able to stomach the sight. Before the mortal, the Dementor floated idly with one arm and one leg missing. No one had asked why Esdras had gone upstairs the night before only to return with half his limbs missing, and definitely no one asked how it had happened.

Esdras flipped his cloak back so that the empty arm of his shirt and leg of his pants were clearly visible. He looked squarely at Roger and smiled. "Just carry on like we're having a normal conversation, I'll do the rest."

He knocked on the door and a voice came from within. "Enter."

The Dementor opened the door and started with a jovial tone as if he were in the middle of a conversation. "So anyway, then Captain Redoubt asks me to go with him to check on the cave in damage in the west radial arm of New Demnin. I agree, of course, and not five minutes after we get there it caves in again. Well, they managed to pull me out but I lost the arm and the leg, and you know how long it takes to grow back limbs like this. Long story short, Madame Pomfrey put me on the disability list and Ben kicked me off the team until my limbs have grown back, so you can imagine that I'm slightly irritated by all this." He turned and smiled brightly to the seated professor. "Good morning, Professor Umbridge."

The wicked grin on her face made both the Ravenclaws sick to their stomach, but to Roger's eternal credit, he held his ground. "Good morning, ma'am. We've come to see if you've made a decision on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team yet."

The pink clad toad nodded slowly and made a grand show of hemming and hawing over the decision. Finally she returned her attention to the pair. "Well, seeing as how it would hardly be a fair tournament if one of the Quidditch teams was absent, I will allow your team to meet." She smiled hideously at the Dementor. "And my apologies on your recent injuries, Mister Demnin."

Esdras smirked and tried to keep most of the sarcasm out of his voice. "It's Lord Admiral Demnin, ma'am. But I thank you for your concern." He bowed slightly. "A pleasant morning to you."

Both turned and exited the office. They waited until they were to the stairwell before breaking out in laughter. Roger slapped Esdras on the back and grinned madly. "You were right, she has no idea how quickly you are able to regenerate your limbs. She's going to be in for the shock of her life in, what, three or four days?"

The Dementor nodded happily. "Maybe less, Harry has been casting exceptionally strong Patroni lately." He gestured to the two stumps. I had to do this a few hours ago because I was afraid that there would be noticeable growth if I cut them off last night."

Roger paled slightly at this and regarded his friend with horrified eyes. "You mean you severed your own limbs?"

Esdras shrugged it off. "Yeah, it's nothing. Just a Reductor curse and they're off." He paused and turned to face his friend. "Look, I know how horrible it must sound to you, but it's really not a big deal to me. And it got us approval from the vaunted Hogwarts High Inquisitor, so I'm not complaining about it. Now you tell the guys the good news and I'll go over to Gryffindor and see if Harry will cast a Patronus for me. The sooner I get these limbs back, the sooner I'm back on the team."

The pair separated at the seventh floor landing and Esdras floated down the hall to the Fat Lady, who smiled kindly as she opened at the sight of his Azkaban Guard badge. It was a comically short time before he heard a much anticipated scream. "Esdras, what happened to you?!"

The Dementor caught the fast moving mortal and hugged her with his only arm. "Nothing to worry about, Katie, it's just some minor surgery to insure the Ravenclaw team's approval by the High Inquisitor."

Katie listened while Esdras gave the short story of the newest affront by the Defense professor and scowled. She called out in a voice that left no room for refusal. "Ron, get Harry down here now." Then she returned her attention to Esdras. "Umbridge still hasn't given Gryffindor approval yet. Angelina has gone down to see about it before breakfast, we're hoping for good news this time."

Esdras nodded. "Hopefully none of you will have to go to the same lengths as me."

They were interrupted by Harry coming down the stairs and noticing the Dementor. "What on earth happened to you, Esdras?"

The Dementor gestured to the bandaged stumps. "I had to cut my arm and leg off so I could trick Umbridge into authorizing the Ravenclaw Quidditch team."

Harry laughed brightly. "No, seriously, what happened?"

Katie looked uncomfortable. "Umm, Harry, Esdras really did cut his arm and leg off. You know the trouble we're having with Umbridge getting her to approve our team? They had the same trouble."

Esdras smiled. "I went with an unconventional solution. So could you help me out?"

Harry nodded mutely and cast his Patronus. The shining silver stag filled the room and Esdras took the energy he needed. When he was finished feeding, he backed away and checked his bandaged stumps. At his pleased expression, Katie approached. "Well, how long until you're back in top form?"

The Dementor waved his stumps about and shook free the bandages to prod at the regrowing flesh, still glowing shining silver. "If I can keep up this healing rate, I should have both limbs back by the day after tomorrow. I may even have the arm back by late tomorrow night if I'm lucky."

Hermione and Ron joined the trio and stared in awe at the glowing stumps before Esdras flipped his cloak back over them. The bushy haired mortal shook her head and turned her attention to Harry. "How is Hedwig healing up?"

Harry scowled. "She's fine, but she'll be grounded for a while longer."

Esdras blinked in confusion. "Hedwig your owl? What happened to her?"

Hermione replied. "We found her yesterday, feathers ruffled and wing bent. Someone or something tried to get at her to read Harry's mail. I'm positive it had to have been Umbridge, or someone working under her command." She brightened up slightly. "Esdras, you use a vulture. Have you had any troubles yet?"

The Dementor shook his head, knowing where this conversation was headed. "No, Constance has been flying without interference. But I would recommend that you find another way to communicate with the outside world if you have to. I don't want to draw attention to her or the other Azkaban vultures since they routinely carry sensitive Azkaban documents."

The mortals nodded and looked disappointed. Katie linked an arm with Esdras and smiled. "Well, we can think about all this later. I think we should get down to breakfast."

They made their way to the portrait hole and were almost knocked backwards when the door was thrown open by an enthusiastic Angelina. "We got it! The cow approved the Gryffindor team. Everyone, we've got practice this evening!"

The next afternoon, Esdras found himself with a shadow on his way to Herbology. He didn't bother to look behind him as he called out. "Something I can help you with, Harry?"

The scarred mortal stepped out from behind the Dementor and walked along side him. They walked in silence for a few seconds while Harry gathered his thoughts. "The first meeting of our group is in two days. I'd like it if you were there for it. After what happened at the Hog's Head, I don't want to take any chances with security."

Esdras nodded slowly. "Where are we holding it?"

The mortal smirked. "The Room of Requirement." At the Dementor's confused look, he continued. "One of the house elves, Dobby, told me about it. It's a room that will only appear when you need it. It's on the seventh floor, across from that tapestry of the dancing trolls. Walk three times in front of it when thinking about what you need, and there it is."

Esdras' glowing green eyes grew wide at this information. "The possibilities for that room are endless." He smirked slightly at the thought of how he and Katie could put the room to good use before coughing slightly and turning to regard Harry again. "I'll be there for this one, and I'll scout out a good position to reconnoiter the hallway for when you all are meeting."

Harry nodded smartly and stopped as the reached the doors that led outside to the greenhouses. "Then I'll see you tomorrow night?"

The Dementor took to the air and glided over towards the glass buildings. "Of course, someone has to keep you all out of trouble."

It had been three days since Esdras had been forced to sever his limbs in the successful attempt to gain the Ravenclaw Quidditch team approval from Umbridge. Said limbs had now successfully regrown and Esdras was stretching out the new extremities in the common room before breakfast. Cho was grinning. "I can't wait to see the expression on that toad's face when we get down to breakfast."

Esdras nodded and smirked before turning to face the rest of the team. "She tried to stop us and failed. Any who try to stop us will fail. We're a team again. This year, Gryffindor will fall before us!"

The statement was met by cheers as the team proceeded out the door and down to the Great Hall for breakfast with Esdras in the lead. The commotion that they caused as they crossed the threshold made every head in the room look up, just in time to see the Dementor heroically toss aside his cloak to reveal the newly reformed limbs. Standing behind Esdras, Roger tried to hold back his laughter. "Look at Umbridge."

Sure enough, the High Inquisitor had turned a violent shade of furious red. The Dementor motioned his teammates to proceed to the table while he gracefully floated down the aisle towards the High Table. He pointedly ignored the wolf whistle from Katie at the Gryffindor table and floated directly up to the school nurse. "Good morning, Madame Pomfrey. They finally healed up during the night. I'm good to come off the disability list."

The nurse drew her wand and cast a quick triage spell, which came back completely in shades of healthy green. She smiled a kind smile to the Dementor and nodded. "Everything seems to be in order. You're cleared to compete."

At the nurse's proclamation, Umbridge shot from her seat. "Impossible! That has to be some kind of Azkaban trick. He was missing an arm and a leg not two days ago."

Pomfrey looked curiously to the Defense professor and nodded slowly. "That's right, and Dementors can heal amputated limbs in a short period of time if the proper energy requirements are met."

Esdras turned to face Umbridge and smirked, flexing his arms. "It's all in chapter seven of 'Dealing with Dementors'. It's in the library in the Defense section. Great reading, and not biased at all." He turned and floated down towards the Ravenclaw table, turning his head only to fire off one final barb. "You should consider checking it out sometime."