Where I live has been ranked in the top five of the gayest cities in the USA. Glad to be doing my part lol.

It was probably a bad idea to invite Berwald to sit down with me that day because he saw it as a green light that I wouldn't mind being friends. In most circumstances I would welcome it, being the acquaintance-lacking person I am, but knowing that us being buddies wasn't the only thing on his mind was getting to me.

I had to remind myself that this is how things normally go for people: they attempt to establish some kind of familiarity to the one they are approaching while their mind deals with their surge of desire and tries not to let the other know until a more reasonable time. Things work best that way until someone gets the balls to fess up. I have seen it everywhere, especially with young people, who aren't confident (or stupid) enough to tell someone immediately when they think they might be developing a crush on them. That is where my ability becomes a hazard. I really wish I didn't know! It was backwards from how things should be and I felt awkward all the time. I was constantly fighting to seem normal while Berwald's thoughts were so loud and informing as he sat down across from me at a table with a fresh book. This one was about the middle ages and he gave me a quick glance before opening it up to the first page.

Tino looks zoned out. Should I ask him if he is okay?

Crap, he noticed I'm not actually 'reading.' I let out a forced yawn in hopes it would answer his question with the subliminal excuse that I am tired.

His brows scrunch together when he does that, Berwald's mind freely noted. I wonder what he's like when he sleeps?

An image came to me at that moment, obviously not from my imagination but his. It was his picture of what I might look like resting my head in my arms over the desk, snoozing away on top of my open book like a sleeping dove with slightly parted lips and a relaxed dreaming face. I looked adorable as hell, which made me feel hot in my cheeks. To conceal it I put my elbow on the table and leaned into my palm hoping that and my bangs would hide me well enough while appearing unaware. This thing happened all the time but it never got any easier to cover my reaction!

Berwald remained looking unchanged as always even though his mind was constantly going at full speed. He was quite the thinker, no wonder he always checked out textbooks and informationals. Behind that quiet intimidating demeanor was a strong drive to learn that I have to say, as an academic failure throughout high school, I admired. His expression didn't change once in the twice a week visits he has been making to the library to return books and get new ones. He wasn't fooling me, though. Yes he did come because he was getting into reading a bit more but it was also about running into 'little Tino.' I swear if he calls me that to my face I'll sock him in the jaw. Though it would probably break my hand and he wouldn't be phased…heh.

This was the first time we've sat down and read together. Textbooks were much like a boring documentary and put me to sleep so I figured I wasn't missing much but it was harder to ignore thoughts from very nearby so I guess I had no choice but to listen or be driven nuts. This time, however, Berwald didn't have a dull textbook. It was an actual story, a historical novel I have read before, and I couldn't help but feel a bit interested in how he would see it. I tuned in as he began to read.

The news had quickly spread throughout the tiny village of Vieutrou. The houses were few, and no secret could be kept for long. It was one of those typical hamlets of the Swiss Alps, tucked away in thick pine forests. The village of Vieutrou was loosely laid out as a circle of small, dilapidated farms surrounding a parish church in much the same condition. What was the news?

The Duchesnes, a poor, young sharecropping couple, living in a pathetic, windowless barn, had given birth to a boy. In a village such as Vieutrou, the arrival of a little boy was a source of joy not only for the parents, but also for their employer. A son would eventually help his parents in the field, pushing heavy plows and carrying weighty loads. For the employer, the birth was a stroke of luck. The sharecroppers' productivity would be affected by the new arrival, but the baby would soon turn into a productive child who would not have to be paid.

Though the biting cold of winter winds and snow had proved of lesser intensity than in previous years, the Alps were still a forbidding place to be in the dead of winter. Cold, snow, and gusty winds further isolated small communities such as Vieutrou. Toward the end of autumn in 1411, children sitting under the venerable village oak, resting after a backbreaking day spent carrying water jugs, were interrupted in their playing by news of the birth.

It didn't take long for me to become entranced with the snowy world he conjured in his mind. It was so realistic I was wondering if he's ever been to the Alps before. The clothing and architecture was correct to the time period and I could nearly smell the fresh air. The one thing I noticed that was unexpected, however, was the sound. In his mind he heard the baby crying and rush of wind past a towering oak tree seen from the children's perspective.

But Berwald was deaf, so how could he remember those sounds so well? Come to think of it, I never asked him how long he'd been unable to hear. Obviously it wasn't his whole life because he could sort of speak, but his language ability obviously deteriorated from living in silence. Most of the time he refrained from having to talk as much as possible but with me unable to do sign language and explain why I can still understand him, it was all he had to communicate. Except…

I got up abruptly and went to the librarian's desk. I heard Berwald's questioning thoughts as he watched me leave then come back after asking Elizaveta for a paper and pencil. Returning with the items, I put them on the table and wrote my question on the top. Berwald watched me write until it was handed to him to read.

'So how long have you been deaf?'

He took a second before he finally picked up the pencil and put it to the paper. I heard his answer before I had the chance to read it.

Six years.

Ah, so it hadn't been too terribly long. I followed it up with another question.

'How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?'

Car accident, was the short reply. I didn't hear any thoughts that he was sensitive to the subject so I kept imploring. What? I was curious. 'Ouch. Is that the only injury you got?'

Hit my head pretty hard, lost hearing. Have neck trouble, too. Used to see a chiropractor.

Heh. He writes like he speaks: short and to the point. 'Is your neck fixed?'

No. Lost my job and health insurance. Going without until I get it back. The next part wasn't written down. I feel pathetic.

Aw, poor guy… 'That's too bad. I'm sure you'll find a new job soon, just keep your head up!' Next to my line I put a little happy face. He read it and, for the first time ever, I saw him change. It wasn't that much, in fact to most it only looked like a little twitch in the corner of his lips. But I am pretty damn positive I just saw a tiny smirk if only for a fleeting moment.

Thanks. Does me being deaf bother you?

'I don't see how it could.' It was truthful because I had better things to be bothered about. Like his increasingly embarrassing thoughts about me. If anything, he should be bothered by me.

Thank you.

"No problem." I only realized I said that out loud after the fact. He didn't even write his 'thank you' down yet but luckily his eyes were on the white page and he didn't notice my slip up. It was enough to make my ears burn and suddenly all I wanted to do was leave. I got his attention with a quick gesture in his field of vision and brought it to my face. "Hey, I'm going to get going…I have to be somewhere."

He gave me a blank look as he processed my soundless words. He then nodded slowly and I picked up my book to put back on the shelf. It would be here when I came back tomorrow.

I hope I didn't do anything to make him want to go.

I left the library feeling a little suffocated and guilty for making Berwald think it was something he did. I don't even know why I wanted to leave just then, I could have continued as if nothing happened and everything would have been fine. But something didn't feel fine in my gut. And I always follow my gut.

000

The next day I was not expecting to see Berwald already at a table in the middle of the room flipping through some pages. He never showed up twice in a row, always in little intervals a few days apart. But he was just here yesterday so why is he…

Like I had to ask. I didn't even need to read his mind to know that he was here to meet with me.

I had a choice to make. It would be so easy to walk back out without him ever knowing I was there…just a few little steps backwards and I could go to the other library for the day. But that would leave Berwald here waiting and who knows how long he's been waiting already. Wait, why do I even care? He can wait all he wants. I wasn't doing a very good job of getting him to back off, but that was due to his lack of behavior that would merit a 'leave me alone' so far. I couldn't just tell him off without a fair reason. For the third time, curse my polite nature!

I didn't get a chance to choose because Berwald glanced up to find me standing by the doors and invited me over with a diffident wave of his hand. I gulped and subconsciously straightened my back as I drew near. There was something about his mood today, something a little…restless.

"Ah need h'lp f'nd'n ah bo'k," he said in that low gruff voice of his. "W'ld use c'mput'rs but ah d'nno how c'll n'mbe's wo'k. L'brar'an's sc'red've m'. H'lp?"

I hardly understood any of that but was able to get the gist of it. "O-oh? Which one?" I stole a look at the book already in front of him. It was on Swedish warriors.

"No'd'c l're," he replied.

"I'm sorry?"

He narrowed his eyes, not threateningly but just concentrating, and tried again. "N'rd'c…leg'nds?"

"Like, their beliefs and things?" A nod. My finger tapped my chin as I remembered where I have seen that subject in my countless escapades through the shelves. I often stayed away from the informational ones but there was no way I couldn't at least remember the call numbers. Berwald's interests were forever changing from colonial America to feudal Japan. It was amazing how much he soaked up information and liked to learn. Perhaps he should pursue a job as a historian, or maybe a history teacher. Er, maybe that last one would be a little hard for someone who can hardly speak much less lecture. But still, if he hired a translator then perhaps it could work.

"Let's see…that would be over there I think." I pointed and he got up to follow me leaving his open book behind. The section was in a corner and down a long narrow space of stocked shelves that ended at the wall and I expertly scanned the call numbers for the subject. "Here we are. This is pretty much everything on nonfiction Vikings the library has. Go nuts!" He thanked me in sign and did just that. I watched his fingers trail over the book bindings as he read them, but his mind wasn't repeating the titles or judging them on their content.

How do I ask him…?

Uh oh. This wasn't just an average visit, then. He was planning something…I had to get out of there.

"Looks like you have everything under control here. I'll just be going…"

"T'no?"

I stopped dead in my tracks and was forced to turn around. Damnit! "…Yes?"

"Ah…was w'nder'n if yah got pla's Sa'urdah."

"S-Saturday?" I clarified. He grunted a yes. "Oh, um…I think I might be working that day."

"On Sa'urdah?"

"Yes, I work from my home. I'm a web designer, you see, and…I just got a new client…" That wasn't a lie, but what I didn't say was how far away the deadline was.

"Hm." He understood but I could sense his disappointment. "Was w'nder'n if yah l'ke c'ncerts. Was g'nna go wit' ah fr'nd, he bail'd." Berwald has a friend? I would never have guessed. The only people he's ever thought about around me was some guy named Mathias who apparently pissed him off, Lukas whom he was rather indifferent about, and someone else related to Lukas, I think.

"Wait, how do you go to concerts when you can't hear?" I asked. He shrugged and looked away slightly.

"Ah fe'l the mus'c." I want to do something that you will enjoy.

"Oh. Well, thanks for asking but I don't really do well in crowds."

Berwald raised an eyebrow. "Claws'rofob'c?" I think that meant 'claustrophobic.'

"Something like that. I hope you find someone to go with, don't want that extra ticket to go to waste."

"Hm." He nodded and went back to the shelf. I took that as my chance to excuse myself and grab something at random on my way back.

Alright Tino, its time to step up. Who cares if you are rude, you HAVE to do something about this! Berwald just asked you on a date. A DATE! He's obviously not leaving you alone or losing interest which means it is up to YOU to get him off your back. Enough is enough, it is too risky to be involved with other people on that level! They usually find out and call you a freak. You don't want Berwald calling you a freak, do you? Wait…why should I care what some random guy I met a few times in the library thinks of me? So what. He'll go about his life, I'll return to mine, the end.

000

My mission wasn't going so well. I sat down in one of the big comfy chairs isolated from the rest to 'read' and Berwald came back with his book. He then dropped it on the table next to his other one and got to reading. Not much else happened that day and we parted like usual.

It was five days later on Friday when Berwald came back to the library shortly after I arrived for the later afternoon. I could hear his thoughts a mile away, as if my mind was trained to pick his out over the others somehow, and frowned at them. Something was obviously wrong.

What am I going to do? Will I lose everything?

That didn't sound good. I couldn't help but feel a little worried, though something deep inside reminded me of my goal. Ignore him. Eventually he has to leave.

I have no where else to go…except maybe Mathias's place. Ugh.

…Just because I have to ignore him on the outside, I don't have to on the inside. I was curious of what he was going on about and a little concerned. His mind felt like pure turmoil and stress, not to mention hopelessness.

I still have to pay my chiropractic bills, I wonder if I can sell my car…but I sort of need that to get a job. Unless I take the bus. It would save me gas money and auto insurance…but where will I live? If I lose my house and my car, I'll have no choice but to move in with Mathias and Lukas. I guess I'm just lucky enough they offered…

The man stopped at the turn in box and looked around. I glued my eyes to my book as if I didn't notice and expected him to walk right on over like he always did. I was in for a surprise that day. His gaze landed on me for only a moment before he reluctantly turned around and walked back from where he came with a mental sigh.

There's Tino…I don't know why I even bother. I mean, he knows nothing about me and I don't know much about him, we hardly talk…granted that is my fault, but still. Tino is probably straight or not looking for a relationship. With my luck he's already taken. Might as well save myself from losing what I never had. He deserves better than me anyway. All I can do is scare everyone away.

Berwald was so down on himself that I nearly shed a tear. Wow, what happened to make him so depressed? He was so determined and hopeful a few days ago and now he was reduced to…this. Something major was going on with him and I couldn't stop my body from moving to find out what. I ditched my book and speed-walked out of the library, then broke out into a jog as I entered the parking lot. It didn't take long to spot Berwald's mop of blonde hair over the roofs of cars and I called to him like an idiot. He's deaf, Tino, you have to catch him!

My pace picked up until I was running and I just caught up as he rounded the side of his deep blue sedan. He saw me coming and stopped frozen in place with surprise. "T'no?"

"H-hey, Berwald!" I greeted through my breath. I wasn't panting but it was enough to reveal how out of shape I was. "Um, I saw you come in. Were you just going to leave without saying hi?" What the HELL was I doing? This was what I was waiting for, wasn't it? I was waiting for Berwald to give up and move on no matter what I had to do! I even practiced for this moment and now I was screwing it all up by getting a little sympathetic and worried. But it looked like he wouldn't be coming back if I didn't do something and he was at the end of his rope. I didn't want to be the end of his rope…

"Ah…hey, T'no," he said in that strange broken way of his. I could hear the questioning in his voice. "Ah c'me tah drop off s'me bo'ks. Got s'ff tah do, can't stay." Thanks to my sixth sense I knew this was a lie. He wanted to stay, truly, but there was a tiny voice in the back of his head telling him not to. It was saying a lot of stuff about me.

"Oh, right. Well…" I searched his expressionless face and tapped my chin as if pondering something. "Are you okay, Berwald? You seem a little off today."

"Hm?" the man raised an eyebrow. How can he tell? Nobody else can. Does he pay enough attention that he…no, no. Even my own mother couldn't figure me out so easily. I just need to go.

Before he had a chance to excuse himself I spoke up. I admit, I was a little panicky. Something about him leaving in his current mindset put a bad feeling in my gut. And I always trust my gut. "Yes, uh…I'm not sure how to explain it but…did something happen?"

Wow…he's good. Do I really look different today? He glanced at the rearview mirror of his car, which wasn't brand new but alright, then went back to staring down at me when he saw nothing different. I felt like I was cracking under those intense eyes but held my ground. "N…no, ah jus'…" I don't want to bother him with my problems. If he knows my house is foreclosing, he'll think I'm a loser.

H-house foreclosing? But why? I never had an inkling of this in the month I've known him that he was in any huge financial crisis! Except, you know, not having a job. But losing his house? That was a very recent development. But why was he losing his home, and why now? "Are you sure you can't stay for a minute? I…I found a great book on Vikings that I thought you might enjoy and…" Wow, I sure think quickly on my toes. With any luck he'll buy that.

Another quirk of his eyebrow. I'm not sure what this means. Are we…friends? Tino spent the time to find me a book, he must think of me as at least an acquaintance. This is so hard, if only I could look into his mind and see what he's thinking! Talk about irony, huh? Still, I sucked in a breath and made up my mind. I wasn't going to let Berwald think he had nothing left, so I guess…I had to change my plan a little bit. He has too kind of a heart to be left with absolutely nothing. I knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I let him go like that.

This chapter is meh. But it picks up in the next one…

EXCERPT:

The Good Healer by Dimitrije Medenica