I am snowed in. There is nothing to do. I'M SURE YOU GUYS ARE HAPPY ABOUT THIS, HUH?

My coat hit the ground and was sprawled out over the floor where it landed. I didn't bother picking it up or arranging my shoes by the door like I usually did. They were kicked off to settle somewhere without care while my feet kept moving.

They brought me past my meager living room and kitchen. The house I lived in was small but it was nice and secluded just outside of town down a long driveway, therefore was my own personal recluse. The silence around me was golden, it was beautiful, and it was mine. It was what I needed right now after a long day of noise and…and…feelings that weren't even mine.

Berwald was starting to love me. All this time, these two or so months of waiting for his crush on 'little Tino' to ebb away and for him to lose interest, it was all for naught. It was stronger than ever. It was turning into goddamned love. How do you fight against love? You can't! Not without hurting the other, and…and…

I really don't want to hurt Berwald.

It was dawning on me that this wasn't going to go away on its own like I had hoped. The whole thing with Berwald was escalating to a level I was not comfortable with. Love? How do I deal with that? I've never been loved before! I've been in what I thought was love, but you know how that one turned out. She left me, called me a freak, and nearly ruined my life. And while I don't see Berwald as being someone who would do that, I just…I'm too afraid of it happening again.

I sat down heavily in the chair at my desk in my small office room and set my head down in my arms. Ohhhh I had a headache. And a stomach ache. And a…fuck it, I just ached all over. Especially my chest. Perhaps the worst part of this whole thing was how I had to ignore how I thought about it all. Funny how someone else's head takes priority over my own.

With nothing else to do other than wallow in my own little pity party, I sighed and turned on my computer tower without so much of a glance. The big button clicked and the whir of the machine became the only sound in the room. Soon it was mere background noise and my brain adjusted to ignoring the constant hum, making my world silent once again…oh how I wanted to switch bodies with Berwald right now. I have the problem of hearing too much and he hears too little. It sounds like heaven to me.

After a minute of loading, my computer speakers suddenly pinged. I looked up at the screen to see that Eduard was online and messaging me over Skype.

Ed: hey, tino! i've been waiting for u 2 get on. got an idea for the website. :-)

I reluctantly put my fingers on the keyboard and tapped out my response. I just wanted a little alone time, I hoped he could understand.

Tino: hey ed. sorry, you'll have to tell me later. little busy.

Ed: with what? this is srsly a great idea!

Tino: personal things. need some time alone to think right now…you know how it is.

Ed: aw, r u stressed? i told u we can move the finishing date back if u have 2 much on ur plate right now

Tino: it's fine. i'll have it done on time, no worries.

Ed: wow, you really seem down

Tino: how can you tell?

Ed: u use more emotes when ur happy

Ed: wanna talk about it?

I stared at my screen for a moment before starting my reply. I was about to say no, but a piece of me kind of wanted to say yes. I erased what I had typed and started again. Why not? He's halfway around the world, what harm could it do? In my experience of watching others I learned that talking to people about your problems does tend to help no matter how much it hurts your ego or pride.

Tino: i guess.

Ed: k. so what ales u?

Tino: well…there is a person who likes me.

Ed: ooohhhh one of those.

Ed: go on.

Tino: …right. so this person likes me and doesn't know i know. and I like them but they don't know that either.

Ed: this is getting good

Tino: no, it's bad. they like me a lot more than I like them…a lot.

Ed: so u r wondering if u should go for it?

Ed: there should be no question! do it, tino!

Tino: you don't even know the whole story!

Ed: the rest of it doesn't matter

Ed: (unless the person might be bad. in that case don't take the chance on a drug runner or something)

Ed: BUT if you like them and c urself liking them more if u got with them, then do it

Tino: i wish it was that easy

Ed: y shouldn't it b? nothing else matters if u 2 both like each other like that. Wut u gotta ask urself is:

Ed: r u willing to try 2 like them more? can u see urself liking them the way they like u?

Tino: …

Ed: oh, and so we r on the same page, the other luvs u doesn't he?

Tino: yeah, I think he does

Ed: and it's a man, too

Tino: how did you know?

Ed: read the above PMs. u said he. :P

Tino: fuck

Tino: well you don't seem to be bothered.

Ed: don't worry

Ed: my bro is gay. i'm supportive

Tino: wow, that's great! :) what a lucky brother you have. i wish i had that luck.

Ed: did ur family flip out 'cause ur gay?

Tino: no, they flipped out over other reasons.

Ed: i'm bi, btw

Ed: cool

Ed: so anyway

Ed: do u like this guy?

Tino: i already told you, i do.

Ed: and ur positive he likes u?

Tino: yeah

Ed: then y so afraid?

Tino: there's something about me he might not like

Ed: like?

Tino: something he might hate me for. we'll leave it at that.

Ed: sounds like u had a bad experience. listen:

Ed: u can ask urself how it will turn out and plot everything out all u want but in the end it is how it is. how will u know if u never try? u don't want 2 b alone 4ever and if u keep up that attitude u will b. besides, if he rlly luvs u then he won't care about wutever it is u think is so bad.

Eduard made a lot of sense. I mean, it felt like I already knew all of this but hearing it kind of helped.

Ed: not the end of the world if it doesn't work out. u will regret it more if u don't try.

Tino: …

Tino: okay, i'll think about it. thanks, ed.

Ed: wuts a friend for :-)

Ed: so u feeling better now? wanna know my idea?

000

It was Monday. Berwald had an interview at Ikea. I was standing outside of the library blowing air into my hands to warm them up while I waited for him to show. I knew this would be the first place the man went after the interview because…well, I just knew. I guess it comes with the telepathy thing.

He knows my library schedule and what time of day I am here so he can conveniently drop by and run into me. This time I showed up a couple minutes early mostly because I was nervous and didn't want to take the chance of him already being here when I arrived. My eyes kept flicking to the watch on my wrist every minute or two. I was anxious. That was okay, as long as I could get it under control before Berwald showed up.

One thirty six. He usually got here around one. Did his interview run late? Was it even a morning interview? Wow I'm stupid! I completely forgot to take in account that his interview could be scheduled on top of when we normally meet up. He could of come by earlier or was planning his library trip afterwards. No, that didn't sound right. Berwald always came to the library at the same time I did or not at all.

"T'no?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard that familiar voice to my right. Of course the one time I'm not paying attention he appears out of nowhere! "Oh! Hello, Ber…wald."

Why did I pause just then? Because I got a good look at him. Berwald hadn't changed out of his fancy duds for the interview and was wearing black slacks and a faintly striped white button-up dress shirt, un-tucked, with a navy blue tie around his neck just a little loosened up for better breathing. Behind him was a matching jacket he must have been wearing earlier but was now flung over his shoulder and held in place with one hand without much care, his other hand casually tucked into his pants pocket. His glasses were different, these ones a little more rounded at the corners. His blonde hair was brushed back nicely and he was more striking overall. It is amazing what wearing certain clothes can do to a person.

"H'llo," he greeted back, breaking me from my trance. He gave me a small wave and I wiggled my fingers back.

"Hi…" Pull yourself together, Tino, you already said hi!

"Were ya wait'n ou' h're?"

"Y-yes! I was waiting. For you."

"M'?" the man blinked. Why would he wait outside for me? It is cold out here. It must be important. Or maybe…no, don't go there.

"Yes, you." I gave him a smile and shoved my freezing hands into my coat pockets. "I was wondering how the interview went. Good? Bad?"

He looked up slightly and scratched his head. "Not s're. Th'nk it was 'kay. Ran a 'ittle l'ng."

"That so? Well, I say we celebrate that it wasn't a total disaster!" if he had said no, I would've said 'let's go cheer you up!' or something. 'Why' wasn't the issue at the moment. From my pocket I brought out a ticket, then twisted my fingers to show him I actually had two. Berwald took one from my outstretched hand and read it, pushing his glasses slightly higher on his nose and crinkling it for a second as he did.

"Mu'eum?"

"Yeah. There's this new exhibit that came out today about Rome and it looks really cool. I want to go, but it is in the next town over and I don't have a car, and I'm not really confident I can take the bus all the way there by myself…so I thought, 'hey! Berwald likes history stuff, I bet he'd like to come too!' so I got you a ticket, and…" I was rambling. I cleared my throat and started over. "I-I mean, do you want to go?" Like I thought he would say no. Berwald nodded his head immediately and his eyes brightened up considerably. Wow, was he really that happy?

I can't believe this, Tino has never asked me to go anywhere with him before! I've never been out of the library with him. I wonder what he's like? Well, probably the same…but somehow it feels different. And he waited out here for me in the cold just to ask. I don't want to get ahead of myself, I mean this isn't actually a date, but…I want to make the best of this. I hope I can be good company and he invites me again. Maybe I can invite him somewhere now. I wonder why he always said no before...

I cut his thoughts off with a clap of my hands and a big smile. "Let's get going, shall we?"

"C'n we t'ke the bu'?" he asked. "Not m'ch g's m'ney." I can't watch his lips while I'm driving.

"Sure! I was planning on that anyway. Let's drop your car off at my place, the bus we need to catch goes from there and we have some time."

"Hm." He's inviting me to his house, too? Am I dreaming? Yes, I'm probably dreaming.

You wouldn't believe how excited Berwald was. I mean, you couldn't tell at all on the outside but inside he was jumping up and down like a kid in a candy store. It was making me feel a little bouncy, too. I called the effect 'emotional runoff.' Clever, right?

We went to his car which wasn't parked too far away and he unlocked his door. He had to unlock mine from the inside and I watched him stretch over the passenger seat to hit the button. Our eyes on opposite sides of the glass met for a moment and I could feel a slight squeeze in my chest…or his chest…I'm not so sure. Maybe both. I opened the door and took a seat. It was comfortable and clean inside, though it was apparent the vehicle wasn't brand new. The glove compartment was open, Berwald explained that the lock was broken thanks to Mathias, and inside I saw something I wasn't expecting in a deaf man's car: an iPod Classic.

"Is that your roommate's?" I asked as I put my seatbelt on. He shook his head.

"Nah. M'ne. Ah use it so p'ple don' fuss wh'n ah don' 'nswer." Of course, not many people want to bother me anyway.

"Oh, clever." I got an image of Berwald with his headphones in and wondered what kind of music he listened to before the crash. I never got to ask, though, we started driving and the only communication I really got with him was pointing which ways to go to get to my house.

By now I bet you are wondering what the hell I'm doing and what brought this about. Well, over the weekend I thought it over, made lists of pros and cons, and bashed my head against a wall until I came to a decision. This outing was designed to gage whether I could see myself eventually loving him like he does me. I know that I in fact like him very much, but…a piece of me was wondering what going out with him would be like. I had to pretend that this was a date without him knowing so I could get a hint at what life could be. At the end of it I would make a decision: to tell or not to tell.

Obviously I learned my lesson about keeping my biggest secret from those I date: it wouldn't end well. So I had to tell Berwald about my…ability. Then it would be up to him. Either he would see past it and still like me or he would run out of here as fast as he could and I would never see him again. It was a fifty-fifty chance.

This has gone on long enough and I can't keep living this way. Something has to change so I can move on, and nothing will unless I act. I just hope the change won't kill me…

000

Berwald turned his car off and parked it in front of my modest home. I was kind of wondering what he'd think of it, but I guess I was more interested in what he was willing to say out loud. Already he couldn't get over how small it looked and how long the driveway was. It was long enough so that I didn't hear the commotion of traffic and that I was the only one around. If I tried hard enough I could reach the thoughts of my closest neighbor who shared my driveway and was closer to the road, but why would I want to do that? Sure my place was small but I liked it. It was home.

"'S nice," he said as we got out.

"Thanks." That's it? I mean, I wasn't expecting him to go on a speech about how much he likes my yard work or anything, but that was still very short even for him. Luckily for me, I have a window into his mind.

This is where Tino lives? It is…small. But it looks well cared for, perhaps he doesn't need that much space. I know I do.

Good. He doesn't hate it.

"I'm going to run inside and grab my gloves before we leave, okay?" Berwald nodded and followed me to my house. He stayed in the open doorway and watched me disappear down the hall, I could hear his thoughts buzzing as he took in my place.

It seems a little bigger on the inside, so that is good. Not much in here other than the usual couch and TV. It doesn't look like he puts much thought to guests…come to think of it, the only friends I've ever heard him talk about are online. But that doesn't make sense; Tino is such a friendly person. How could he have no friends in the area? He isn't new here or anything.

I hoped he didn't ask me anything about it when I got back because I don't really have a plausible answer for him. If today goes well I'll be able to tell him the truth, but only if it goes well…

I came back pulling my light blue gloves on to see him leaning in the doorway fiddling with his tie while he waited. His gaze never left me as I approached, as usual. "Ready to go?"

"Hm." Before we disembarked for the walk down my long driveway he opened his car door again and threw in his untied tie, then traded his work jacket for a nice coat. He wouldn't need to look too fancy where we were going. Berwald locked his door and we started our trek to the road where the bus stop is.

At first it was a little quiet. The gravel under our feet crunched and a cool breeze ruffled the mostly bare trees above, making a few stragglers fall to the ground. The sky was white overcast but didn't show any sign of raining. It was peaceful and tranquil; even Berwald's mind was on autopilot and was admiring the scenery like me.

But I kind of didn't want that at the moment.

"Hey Berwald," I poked him in the arm to get his attention. He looked down and gave me that look he always does when focusing on my lips as if he were going to rip my head off. Thank goodness I knew better. "How long did it take you to learn sign language? Was it hard?"

He shook his head. "Nah…jus' lot'ah m'moriz'n. St'll learn'n new w'rds. Like learn'n any 'ther l'ngu'ge ah g'ess. L'p re'd'n is ha'der."

"Oh. Well, I ask because I was thinking about learning a thing or two in sign. You know, so we can talk better."

"Ya se'm tah unde'st'nd m' jus' fine."

"Yeah but you don't understand me as well."

Ain't that the truth. "A'r'ght. Ah c'n show ya s'meth'ng."

I gave him a big smile. "Great!"

Cute. "Th's is h'llo." He made a motion with his right hand kind of like a salute and a wave. I mimicked him but he shook his head. "R'ght h'nd."

"It makes a difference which hand you use?"

"Hm." So I did it again, this time with the proper hand. "Go'd."

"Aw, that means hello in any language! Teach me something else."

Berwald put his hand to his chin and brought it down so his palm was facing the sky. "Th'nk ya." I followed his example. Then he made another sign like a half circle swish from his chest to upper stomach. "Ya welc'me."

This went on for awhile. We walked and signed, I laughed when I messed something up or found a particular movement amusing. I could see that little twitch in the corner of his mouth, not to mention his greatly amused thoughts. He was enjoying this about as much as I was.

I was just learning how to say 'make me a sandwich' when something came out of nowhere and hit me in the face. I didn't know what it was and…remember that bit about me being rather jumpy? Well you can guess what I did: I jumped.

"YAH!" the thing that hit me was latched onto my face, gripping me by my hair, and I was one hundred percent sure I felt some kind of teeth on my skin. I couldn't see a thing and I latched onto my friend for dear life, begging for him to help get whatever-it-was off before it devoured me. I was in real trouble, but strangely enough Berwald wasn't doing anything! Except…

The sound of laughter made me stop. Finally the thing was removed from my face so I could see what it was. In Berwald's fingers was a…a leaf. A fucking big blood red leaf, with razor sharp serrated edges and…oh, who am I kidding. It was your average flimsy leaf that fell from a tree and hit me in the face. How pathetic. Tino scares so easily.

"O-oh! It was just…ahahah…" I tried to laugh it off and swallow my beating heart back down to where it belonged. I realized I still had Berwald's arm in a death grip and I unlatched myself from it feeling rather embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Really, you would think I saw a ghost just now. "It startled me, that's all!"

"R'ght." Berwald had a smirk plastered to his usually unchanging face and handed my attacker to me. I threw it as hard as I could, though it was a leaf so it didn't travel far. The thing flopped to the ground a few steps away and I huffed at it. He's like a child when he's mad. Adorable.

"…Anyway, how does that sign go again?" We started walking again and he went back to his teaching. I just got the hang of it after doing the sentence slowly when his arm went out in front of me to make me stop. He was looking at something falling to the ground a ways ahead…another leaf.

"W'tch ou'," he warned. His face was serious but there was a thought that betrayed him and told me it was a joke. That made me puff out my cheeks and cross my arms at him.

"You think you're pretty funny, don't you?" He nodded as if it were old news. Can't help it. I want to see him make that face again.

"Well, you are." Instead of doing what he wanted, I forced myself to laugh instead. Ha! I win.

That one is just as good.

Damnit.

Tino vs leaf. It's intense.

Fluff is fluffy like the snow piling up at my window…we have over a foot. If only I had a big strong Swede to keep me warm~ /shot/