Chapter 10: Mirrors and Echoes

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"And so it goes, and so it goes,

And so will you soon, I suppose...

So I would choose to be with you,

That's if the choice were mine to make.

But you can make decisions too,

and you can have this heart to break."

-Billy Joel

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"How are you feeling?" L asked gently. 'Be gentle with him...'

"I don't think I can move." was the quiet reply that came from white lips. "I can't move." his small voice was growing panicked. L felt a sinking feeling of horror in his stomach. In attempting to resuscitate Near he had probably reopened every single wound.

"Then I guess I will have to carry you back to Wa-"

"I'm not going back to Wammy's." Near cut in, his voice dark.

L manoeuvred himself so that Near was no longer sitting on his lap but instead to his side, so he could look into those black eyes. Eyes that had a weariness; a hardness too old for their owner. Eyes that had seen far too much far too soon. As he was moved, Near drew in a sharp breath through gritted teeth. His eyes watered with pain.

"I'm sorry." L apologised, realising any movement, no matter how slight would put the boy in agony. Near shook his head in reply. They were silent for a moment, the only noises they heard the soft ring of the bells and the howling of the wind around the cliffs. "Where else can you go?" L eventually asked.

"I don't care." Near retorted simply. "But wherever it is, it'll be better than this." the soft statement actually pricked at the back of L's eyes. It echoed so perfectly those thoughts that a little raven-haired child had had, standing on the edge of that very cliff, staring out at that ocean so many years ago.

"The world is big." L finished quietly, and Near's eyes lit up as he looked up into L's.

"Yes." he agreed. Exactly.

"But it's a treacherous place." L continued, words quiet and devastating. "It doesn't care about you. The people in it, they don't love you. Not unless it benefits them. Every human's primary motivation is themselves, even mine, and if you look deep inside yourself you'll realise that you're the same." Near's face had fallen. Now, he bit his lip as the truth of L's words sunk in. L felt his felt that suffocating pressure in his heart again as he continued to speak. These words that he wished he didn't have to speak.

This; his last lesson to teach.

"You're lucky to have what you have." he said, managing to keep his voice level, his face blank. "A home to come back to. People who feed you, who give you everything that you want. People who do everything that you ask of them. You have everything you need already here, so you have no good enough reason to be unsatisfied with-"

"Do you care about me?" the boy's soft voice cut off L's carefully prepared sermon in the space of a heartbeat. L simply looked at him in mute shock. He could almost feel his ideas crumbling around him as Near destroyed every carefully constructed plan with one perfect blow.

"What?"

"You said that the world doesn't care. You said it doesn't love me... But I don't believe you." Near's eyes were full, but he held back his tears by sheer willpower, glaring furiously into L's face. A will the likes of which L had never seen, save perhaps in the mirror.

"I-"

"Do you love me?" L could only stare; frozen in shock, somehow both numb and burning at the same time. The silence that followed the demand seemed to stretch on for an eternity.

"I do."

Another eternity passed in which they simply stared at each other in silence. As if into a mirror.

"Well, I love you." L couldn't prevent the ghost of a smile rising to his lips. The way Near had said it made it sound like a challenge. L liked to be challenged.

"Aren't I lucky." Near's responding smile mimicked his own. Then L shook his head. "But that doesn't mean you can just-"

"Then I can go back with you."

"...What?"

"To Japan."

"..."

"I could help with the Kira case-"

"No." L's face was set, his tone final. In it was the authority that could halt nations. The power that could galvanise governments into action, and capture the attention of the world. But Near wasn't deterred. Because he was L's equal.

"Why not? I can speak Japanese. I'm probably smarter than the whole Japanese police force put together-"

"No, Near." L was standing up, indicating that the discussion was finished.

"I don't want to go back there. I can't." Near's eyes were wide in desperation, but L found nothing amusing about it this time. "Don't leave me alone." Near was on the verge of tears.

"Near, stop it. You're already aware that as my successor your life is too valuable- and not just to me- to put in that much danger simply because you're too selfish to understand that-"

"What if I never see you again?" his words were quiet, but devastating, as always.

L looked at him for a moment, then sighed. He crouched down so that he and Near were eye to eye. "I promise you that you will see me again." he said. "Once Kira is caught, I will come back for you. I promise." It was amazing, how easy the lies were to say. How they felt like the truth.

"You will." Near's expression was so serious, it made L smile.

xXx

L carried Near in his arms all the way back to Wammy's House. Each step caused Near pain, curled up against L's chest, but he didn't mind too much. They talked as they went along, which distracted Near from the pain at least a little. L told him a little about the Kira case- never too much- but it got them on to the supernatural and superstition, which then progressed to religion which progressed to politics and then history. L managed to forget, for those few, short hours what he knew had to happen. He just let himself enjoy it.

And he would always remember that conversation; that walk back to Wammy's. Until the day he died. That short walk would be the memory that he treasured through long, sleepless nights of isolation and fear, trying to catch a killer who constantly remained one step ahead.

And Near; Near felt that he knew now, as they slowly made their way back, what it felt like to belong somewhere. Here, with the one person whom he could understand; who understood him in return.

Sometimes they would fall silent as L walked, but that was good too. They didn't feel the need to fill it. The wind was bitter, but the warmth of L's body was absorbed through the fabric between them, allowing Near to share it. Just as they had shared a breath;

As they had shared a history.

xXx

~ a day or two later~

Near was humming softly to himself as began once again to carpet his floor in blank puzzles. He had found them- to his delight- in his cupboard a day or two after L had gone. Life at Wammy's had essentially gone back to normal. Well, as normal as it could, with all that had happened in the last month. Near was himself was improving. Though he still couldn't stand or walk unaided and kept himself completely isolated from the rest of the students, he seemed happy, at least. But that was about to change.

He looked up at a knock on the door.

"Yes?"

The door was pushed open a crack and in slipped a person Near hadn't seen in weeks. His eyes widened ever so slightly in surprise: It was the black-clad blond that had started it all.

Near's gaze was hard and wary, but somehow Mello's demeanour had completely changed. His usually sharp eyes were wide and anxious, and he had an almost apologetic hesitancy to his movements. Near wondered what he could possibly want...

"Near."

"Mello?"

Mello closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but when he opened them they were determined.

"There's something I've got to tell you."

xXx

It was L's turn to slam the door behind him. He was met with several shocked pairs of eyes as he entered the room, hands balled into fists in his pockets.

"How was your flight?" Watari asked calmly, not looking up from the papers he was studying.

"Watari." L began, eyes hard in unquestionable resolve. "I've changed my mind."

Watari looked at him then, eyes widening in mute shock. Then, once he had managed to pull his thoughts together;

"Matsuda san. Aizawa san. Please leave us for a few moments." he politely ordered. The pair of investigators gave him a curious look, but complied, and Watari locked the door behind them with a click.

"L..." he turned back around. "It's too late."

"..." No.

"It's already over. Mello told him everything."

"...But..." L's face remained blank, but Watari may have just knocked his legs from underneath him. It was getting hard to breathe. His head spun. No. "I didn't- I gave no- you couldn't..." Watari was becoming seriously unsettled. Disturbed. L had never lost it like this. He looked like he was about to faint. "You didn't..."

L stumbled to one of the stripy armchairs and curled up into the foetal position, his arms tight around his ankles. He rocked ever so slightly back and forward in his seat. He couldn't believe it. He was too late. It had happened already. They had already revealed everything.

Near already hated him.

He closed his eyes. His head was spinning, making it hard to see. Oh my god... what have I done? … what have I done?? His breath was coming in shallow little gasps. Everything was over now. That was it. That was it. He felt Watari's hand on his own, and opened his eyes, to look up into the old man's face. What Watari saw in L's face terrified him. There was nothing but despair there; complete and utter despair.

"L..."

"I gave you no order." L's voice was level, but it shook. He had never looked so helpless. It was like he was a child again.

"I'm sorry L..." And he did look truly sorry, but then he shook his head. "I couldn't risk the chance you might change your mind." his tone was rational; pleading for reason. "You put far too much of yourself into this operation for me to let you throw it all away so easily, and the damage was already done..."

"..." For a moment, L simply stared.

Then; "What?" the word was nearly hissed. L snatched his hand away from Watari's like it was poisonous. His abyss-eyes burned into the old man's with a frightening intensity. "What did you say?" if there was ever a time that Watari had felt his life was in danger from his dark-haired charge, then this was it.

"I..." L had rocked forward onto the balls of his feet, and he leaned towards Watari almost aggressively. As if at any moment he might pounce on him and rip out his throat.

"You ordered this?" the dark haired man demanded.

Watari's eyes narrowed then, and he drew himself up to his full height. His face was like a thundercloud. Powerful, furious, unforgiving and unrepentant. He was not sorry.

"I did." he declared. "You had already destroyed that poor child's life, L. To not complete what you started when he was already so far gone would just be a waste of time and effort."

"...I hate you." L somehow managed to choke. Watari returned his glare in full force.

"You are entitled to. And I am sorry. So sorry." there were furious tears in the old man's eyes now as he finally spoke his heart. "I apologise for everything I have and haven't done that has turned you into the complete monster that you are today. But it was you who came up with the plan. It was you who turned his friends against him. It was you who made sure he was neglected and abused by the adults who were supposed to care for him.

"You are the reason he is crippled for life, and can't stand on his own. You are the reason he is emotionally scarred. And I don't really care how much you hate me anymore, L, because what it comes down to is the fact that he deserved to know the truth. He deserves the right to hate you, too. So in all honesty, I am not sorry for what I did." Watari paused at the door. "I hope you learned something from this."

The slam of the door echoed around the small room, in which L now sat alone. Alone and empty, staring at the sheets of rain pounding on the window.

He managed somehow to drag himself shaking to his feet. Somehow managed to stumble to the window and yank it open with a screech and a slam. The wind- that cold familiar wind- blew the rain into the room, at L, gradually soaking his clothes to the bone, soaking through the carpet under his feet. He drew in gasps of that freezing, city-scented air, as if he was drowning. He could almost hear bells. The heavy rain drops hit his face, hit his closed eyelids and trickled down his cheeks, some slipping into his slightly parted lips.

They tasted like salt.

I hope you learned something.

xXx

~several weeks later~

There was a knock on the door.

"Enter."

Near's floor was covered in dominoes, and he placed the last one, before his hand he once again rested on his raised knee.

Roger slipped into the room, where the ghostly boy sat amidst his creation.

He truly was a ghost now, Roger thought. The ghost of the fiery, zealous child he used to be. It seemed that when Mello had left that room so had any spirit that the child had left. Now he was simply an apathetic shell of a person, who's only interest seemed to lay in solving puzzle after puzzle. Building tower after tower, then knocking them down. Especially knocking them down. He spoke to no one, ate next to nothing. When he looked at you he did it through veiled eyes, or as if from a distance, and never with any recognisable emotion. It was as if he simply didn't care anymore. Which, Roger supposed, he didn't.

"Speak." Near dead-panned, eyes not leaving the dominoes. Roger decided to keep it simple. That was the easiest way, he found lately.

"He wants to speak to you."

Near's hand froze for a fraction of a second. Not long enough for Roger to notice, though, before the white haired twelve-year-old lightly tapped the first domino, which set off the rest; all coming crashing down. Once the roar of crashing plastic had stopped there was a long silence. Near looked up at Roger from behind his white fringe.

"So why are you keeping him waiting?"

xXx

Near sat on the floor, and a little white mac book sat in front of him, a big, black Gothic 'L' emblazoned on the screen. He didn't look at it, but instead at the pair of dice in his hand that he played with. He didn't speak a word. Neither did the computer.

Icy silence stretched on forever, the only relief being the irregular clicking of the dice in Near's hand and the steady pounding of the rain against the window. Strangely though, it was Near who broke the silence.

"Is it pretty?" he asked, still looking at the dice.

"...I'm sorry?" came that distorted electric voice. The boy looked up into the computer's camera, eyes as cold and hard as stones.

"That piece of my life that you stole." his voice could solidify nitrogen.

"Near, I-"

"Is there something you actually wanted to say to me, or am I just supposed to sit and do nothing for another six and a half minutes? I have things I could be doing."

"I'm sorry."

"... that doesn't change anything." Near said coldly, then went back to playing with his dice.

"I know. But I'm sorry all the same. And I thought you should know."

"Well now I do..."

"Indeed."

There was another agonisingly long silence, before Near spoke again.

"I don't see why." he said.

"Why what?"

"Why you're sorry. Not that I care. But everything went according to your plan didn't it?"

"That's true I suppose."

"So you have no right to be unhappy." Near's words echoed what L had said to him before, that day on the cliffs. Echoed him perfectly. Just like he was supposed to.

"I guess I don't. But I am."

"Why? Aren't I good enough for you yet? Have I failed your expectations in some way?" Near's voice was scathing. It was bitter; resentful.

"No."

"Then why?"

"Because when I told you that I love you, I wasn't lying." came the computers soft, emotionless reply.

"I don't believe you." the answer was too quick for Near to have given the thought any consideration at all. Which stung.

"...All the same, I thought you should know."

"Well your plan worked, didn't it." Near's voice betrayed no emotion, and L couldn't help but admit that it was true. "Sometimes I wish I could find it in myself to still love you, just to prove you wrong, but I can't. Your plan was too perfect. I ended up just how you wanted, didn't I. When you ordered Mello to attack me?"

"...Yes... Perfectly."

"Mhmm." Near agreed expressionlessly. "And I think I am ready now. So you have my permission to go ahead and die."

The words took a moment to register.

"Don't take too long, either."

"It's funny... I think... you have broken my heart..." L sounded mildly surprised. Near only scowled in rage at the computer, before reaching forward and slamming it shut. Now that the camera couldn't see him, he let his eyes fill with the tears of anger that had been threatening since the conversation had started.

"You're just a machine." he accused the computer as hot, furious tears slid down his pale cheeks. "You don't have a heart."

xXx

A/N: So that was the delicious moment where, after (hopefully) getting all of you to finally like L again, I got to CRUSH/KILL/DESTROY HIM. (my god... I am a terrible person. I am so, so sorry.)

I'd like to think that this also fits in with the whole bit of Death Note during the imprisonment arc where L got really harsh (can you say letting out anger on people?), then when he had to let Light go he got really depressed(pretty much self-explanatory).

Oh! And the quote at the beginning from the song "So it Goes" by Billy Joel. If you don't know it, I highly recomend you looking it up on youtube or something. It always struck me as a cynic's (i.e. L's) love song, and actually was one of the biggest inspirations for this fic. Such a pretty, sad song. *sniffles* Anywho.


Sorry this chapter took a little longer than usual to get out, and hopefully it lives up to expectations. I did try very hard to get them all in character, especially in that last conversation at the end. Let me know how I did, yes? ;) Its just a tiny little button. Not too hard to press. =P

Anywho that's all from me, for now. Expect more very soon...

~CANDY