A/N

As usual great thanks to Fr333bird for beta'ing and Im_not_a_lizard for pre-reading.

I am very sory for the delay. Pregnancy interference… But I hope to catch up now!

The picspiration for this chapter: bit(dot)ly/zzDSNo It's from aaronhobson(dot)com - awesome site!

12. The Betrayal

In spite of Jasper's shame over his answer about feeding on animals, the next few weeks go surprisingly smoothly. They hunt, they race, spend peaceful nights together, they even have sex. And each time it happens it leaves Jasper in an awe that this could be so good. Jasper should be happy, but he feels as if there's something underneath it all that prevents him from letting go and enjoying their time together. Either it's Jasper's inability to feel happiness, or it is something much bigger – some set of outside obstacles, or wicked forces that plot against him.

The first time Edward disappears for longer than a day, Jasper realizes he's become addicted to his companion. Not only his presence, but also physically – to his touch, smell, the sound of Edward's voice. He needs Edward to go on. He's anxious when Edward is out of his sight.

That's when Jasper starts panicking that he must be suffocating Edward. He tries to analyze last few weeks, and he comes to the conclusion he's been following Edward around. That even in the small space of the cabin he's been seeking Edward's presence, and he's been trying to keep the physical connection between them by means of small touches – like sitting so close that their arms would brush together, or placing his feet so his toes would touch Edward's calves.

God, he must feel so trapped, so wrapped up in me, Jasper thinks in horror, because if he adds to this Edward's ability to sit in Jasper's head all the time it's no wonder Edward keeps going on hunts, or hikes by himself. He just needs more space, Jasper concludes, nods, and promises himself that he'll try to keep away from Edward as much as he can to give the boy some needed peace of mind. He hopes that maybe in this way Edward won't be fed up with him too quickly.

So he avoids Edward, and somehow they miss each other a lot – when Jasper comes back to the cabin Edward's usually out, and when Edward reappears Jasper sets off immediately under the false pretense of a needed hunt.

But then Edward's absences become lengthier. He's gone for days and days. He comes back smelling of people, human food and cigarette smoke.

"You've started smoking now?" Jasper asks him one time, surprised and aggravated.

"Yeah, I didn't know it was possible, you know? But it's not like it can kill me now." Edward chuckles. "You should try it!"

"I did. I hated it," Jasper says and turns to leave as usual.

"Jasper, please, don't go just yet." Edward grasps Jasper's wrist. "I've missed you," he says and is so close that Jasper forgets why he ever wanted to leave.

Edward kisses him and an 'umph' escapes Jasper's mouth because he's missed Edward too. So fucking much. He can't contain himself now as he grips Edward's hips and pulls him hard toward himself. They both moan into the kiss and bury their hands in each other's hair – tugging, pulling, trying to get closer.

Jasper pushes Edward to the ground, and for a minute they fumble with their clothes. Then Jasper grips their cocks together firmly and thrusts his hips forward, while Edward's hand snakes between their bodies to rest on Jasper's fist. This is so quick, so urgent, so rough. They don't stop kissing, but they're messy, too – their tongues are pushing on each other without any rhythm, their teeth are clicking and only hushed grunts are coming from them. They keep devouring each other's mouths even long after they've come and are lying sticky and wet on the ground, Jasper cloaking Edward with his body.

But the reason Jasper doesn't stand up is also because he doesn't know what to do with himself. He should be used to it by now. They've done this so many times that he shouldn't be shy or awkward when he finally gets up to get dressed. He wishes everything could be as easy as it was during those few magical weeks they spent in the cabin at the beginning here. But that time has ended, and Jasper knows there's no going back.

"***"

Then one day Edward comes back smelling of a girl. Jasper just looks at him, stands up and runs into the woods. He doesn't want to see Edward right now, no matter what Edward did, or didn't do. He sits on a fallen tree, noticing how different the woods here are in comparison to Washington's area.

He doesn't know what to think about the girl's smell; he doesn't want to think about it. It's not like they're exclusive to each other, they aren't mates, not really. Jasper wasn't sure about it, but the more he considers it the more it becomes obvious to him that they aren't. He should feel it, right? He should've been struck with the feeling 'I'll follow you to the end of the world and back', just like he felt for the funny looking, energetic girl so many years ago. But even so, he can't deny there's something between him and Edward that goes way beyond friendship, that glues them together, that doesn't allow him to breathe properly whenever Edward's not around. But Jasper believes he has to hide this as much as he can from Edward to not scare him off.

He doesn't dare confront Edward about the girl. For one, he thinks he doesn't have the right to do so, but more importantly - he's too scared of Edward's possible answer, and the repercussions that may follow the question. Deep down in his heart he knows Edward will leave him some day, but he's not yet ready for this, not yet. So instead he tries to tame all the feelings and thoughts of betrayal, along with his possessiveness and insecurities. After all Edward did come back to him, right? He could've stayed with that girl, but he didn't. This has to mean something.

Jasper snarls angrily at himself and the weeping girl he's become.

When he finally calms down enough to come back, Edward's clearly waiting for him, looking sheepish. And just like that Jasper lets the subject go, leaving it for later, for when he's alone and can muse over it in peace.

"***"

But when Edward doesn't make an appearance for more than a month – and yes, Jasper did count the time, day by day, with each short sunrise and through the long nights – he loses it.

"Where have you been?" Jasper demands, livid, as he approaches Edward and stands so close their noses are almost touching. "Where the fuck have you been?" he repeats through clenched teeth.

"What's it to you, Jasper? You hide from me anyway, all the fucking time," Edward snaps, letting the anger spread through his body, too.

"I hide so you'll have a minute for yourself. So you won't hear me all the time. But I don't disappear for a… for whatever you did. I thought…" he trails off, embarrassed and terrified of what he's unleashed.

Edward reaches out for him with his hand, but Jasper just shrugs it off.

"I've been… researching," Edward says after a minute of silence.

"Researching?"

"I go to towns. Well, to settlements or whatever they are, but to bigger ones, like Inuvik, too."

"But what for?" Jasper slowly loses his patience for Edward's half-answers.

"I listen to people; I try to talk to them. I want to know if I can live among them. I've been also googling things… you know, trying to see, to find some others like us."

"For a month…" It isn't a question. Jasper wants to shout and cry, and beat Edward up, but he just stands there, shaking a little from the anger.

"I'm sorry. I… uh, thought you wouldn't even notice – like you always don't notice the time passing by."

They stand motionless and silent for a while during which Jasper tries hard to not think about anything specific.

So, he finally asks in his head, which means he's calmed down enough to get back to their strange way of communicating, one silent and one speaking aloud, Did you find it? Whatever you were looking for?

"Yes, I think so. I want you to go with me and check it out. This family you once told me about exists, or at least I believe they exist. And ironically enough, I think they live not far away from Seattle."

Jasper tries to chuckle, but it comes out almost like a cough.

So, you're going. You're leaving me then, he states.

"What? Why?"

I don't want to find them. It was never something I wanted to do.

"So what do you want, Jasper? You prefer to stay here, where night and day don't even stand out from one another that much, in all this snow and cold, and in this stinky little cabin?" Edward asks, moving around Jasper in angry circles, and running his hands through his hair.

"I like it here," Jasper shouts, and then adds, more gently, "I like it with you here, where no one disturbs us, where I can get by on animals, where's peace for me, for us."

"But don't you see? This thing we do here? It's not a life – it's just existing! This is just waiting, and I don't even know what we're waiting for? I want a life, Jasper. I want to have a real place to live, I want to be able to talk to people, I want to go back to studying, to work. I want to have fresh clothes, a car, a fucking TV with some games to play, I want a laptop with internet access. And above all I want a hot shower if I feel like washing myself."

Jasper can't believe it. He's never seen Edward as shallow.

"So, basically, you're saying you want things. Really Edward? Because when you first came to my place you sure didn't care about things!" he exclaims, disappointed.

"It's not only the things!" Edward throws his hands in the air in frustration. "Hear what I'm saying. I want life! I want to go back to living. I gave up on it once, but not anymore. You gave me my life back, and I want to make a good use of it."

It's because I'm not enough for you, Jasper thinks without saying it aloud. It feels like a whiny thing to say. But Edward looks at him with a flicker of something in his eyes that Jasper doesn't want to see.

"Why can't you go with me?" Edward asks softly. "Give me one good reason."

Because I'm not enough for you, and you'll leave me the first time you set your eyes on someone better, Jasper thinks, and shouts to cover it up, "Because I don't want to! I'm no good around people. I can hunt them, I can lure them in, I can make them come hard, but I can't pretend to be human. Too much time has passed. I've no knowledge of this world anymore, and I don't want to have it. Fuck, I wouldn't even know how to turn on a laptop, never mind use it. I don't want this."

"So you want me to stay here with you, and call me selfish if I don't want to, but you can be selfish enough to not follow me?" Edward shrugs.

"You don't understand," Jasper says sadly. "I can't go back. There is nothing for me out there." Not even you, he thinks. Not when you're gone.

"Not even me?" Edward raises his eyebrow, challenging Jasper.

"No." This is all Jasper has to say.

"So this is it. We've nothing more to say to each other then," Edward concludes bitterly. He turns to leave, but hesitates. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I'll come back for you, once I've found others like us."

Jasper wants to tell Edward to not bother, but he stops himself. Because deep down he knows he wants Edward back, that – in spite of what he says and thinks – he's not ready to give up hope yet.

Maybe this is why he allows what comes next. He lets Edward fumble with his pants and fist his dick, stroking it a few times. Jasper feels a little detached, like he's observing it all as a witness – Edward taking off his own jeans quickly, straddling him, putting his hand on Jasper's chest while he holds Jasper's erect cock in his hand before lowering himself onto it.

Even though it's Edward who's taking Jasper inside him, Jasper feels like he's being ripped apart. He's sure his chest is going to explode; the pain is unbearable.

It hurts, Jasper says in his mind.

"I know. I'm sorry," Edward says and kisses him – on the lips, eyelids, neck. "I'm so sorry, Jasper."

Jasper turns his head to avoid the kisses, unable to look at Edward. He focuses his gaze somewhere far away on a funny looking tree. He tries to concentrate on the physical pleasure and the connection of their bodies, but he can't. Slowly, bitter anger starts clouding his mind, and Jasper thinks that anything is better than the feeling of his body falling into pieces. He looks up to see Edward over him – focused, worried, gentle, full of feelings that they've never even tried to name. Jasper can't take these feelings, this look on Edward's face, it shouldn't be there. He grips Edward's hands and flips them over, pinning Edward to the wet ground with his body.

This can't be over; he disagrees in his head even though he knows it is. This can't be over. He repeats with each angry thrust of his hips. Even during their most frenzied fucks he hasn't pushed into Edward as hard as he's doing now. The earth beneath them gives, and they're covered with dirt and moss.

"Jasper," Edward says gently. "Jasper…"

Jasper halts and looks at Edward again, realizing he's had his eyes shut all the time. He also realizes that the pain is still there, it hasn't subsided with the movements of their bodies.

"Jasper, baby," Edward repeats, holding Jasper's face in his hands, and Jasper holds his breath at the endearment because it's the first time Edward has ever used it. "Please, calm down. I'm not… dying. I'm just going away for a while. I'll come back to you, I promise."

Jasper nods in Edward's hands, but he knows better. This is the end for them, and there will be no coming back. They're not mates, and they never have been. They just happened to meet each other along the way. Edward's lack of response to his thoughts only confirms it.

Edward holds him tighter, and Jasper resumes the movement, but slowly this time, trying to get as much as he can from this, trying to show Edward that he kind of understands him, that although he doesn't forgive him - not yet - he will one day. But the pain is getting worse, and Jasper hides his face in Edward's neck, trying not to sob, because there is nothing more miserable than a weeping, tearless vampire. He comes soon, and glances down their bodies, noticing that Edward isn't even hard anymore. He feels sick and selfish, like he's used Edward to get off, not offering anything in return.

"Stop this," Edward murmurs in his ear, stroking Jasper's hair. They lay like this until the first foggy rays of sun begin to warm them.

"I have to go," Edward says, gently pushing Jasper off him. Jasper slowly stands up, walks few steps and sits down by the cabin, leaning against the wall. He's not sure he'd be able to stand straight and watch Edward running away. Edward approaches him and leans down to kiss him on the cheek. Jasper closes his eyes, relishing this last touch, trying hard not to think about anything now, not to let Edward know how much it affects him. He hears once more, "I'll come back for you," and Edward's gone before Jasper opens his eyes again.

If Jasper thought he was in pain before, now he's literally dying. He's suffocating, he's convinced his ribcage must have collapsed, and the broken bones are preventing him from breathing. It doesn't matter he doesn't really need air. Sitting up appears to be impossible task, and Jasper slowly sinks to the ground, face down, with his legs curled underneath him. He wants to howl, or cry, but nothing comes out. He tries to use his gift to calm himself, but he's never been able to do it before, and he isn't capable of doing it now.

Darkness falls, but he's not able to tell if it's still the same day. He's so defeated, like he's lost a battle. He feels tired, old and used up. Then something shifts in him, and suddenly he stops feeling anything at all. It's so much better than the pain he was in. Even if it means that his life as the Jasper he was is over for him.