A/N
I am very, very sorry for the delay. And I am even more sorry for not responding to your reviews! My evenings are still non-existent and work and family life take the rest of time. I hope you'll forgive me and I will try hard to catch on the review replies this time. You really make my day with each and every one of them.
Thank you Fr333bird for beta'ing and Im_not_a_lizard for pre-reading.
Pic for this chapter: bit(dot)ly/HBH3gz
The Dream
Jasper's not sure how long he's been lying on the ground. He's only half aware of strange sounds and shadows passing by. He's sure he heard some voices around him, but each time he tried to locate the source the voices vanished. He supposes he's eaten something, or someone, because he doesn't feel hungry, at least not that much. When morning sun lights up the surroundings he sometimes opens his eyes and observes his fingers, wondering how it's possible for snow to melt on them.
A man appears one day. He kneels next to Jasper, asking him something. It takes ages before Jasper finally focuses enough to understand that the man is asking him whether he's all right.
"No," Jasper mumbles. And then, "yes. Leave me alone."
The man says something more, nudging Jasper's arm, and the vampire once again concentrates on the man's face, trying to decipher what he might want from him. The guy is old; he's got a round face and slanting eyes, and his teeth are stained from cigarette smoke. He nudges Jasper once again, still talking in a strange mix of English, French and some other melodic language Jasper doesn't know.
Jasper wants to growl at him, but it comes up faint and not scary. The man smiles and starts saying something about a cabin. What cabin? Jasper thinks and then asks aloud, "Cabin?"
"Yes." The man smiles broadly, showing more of his darkened teeth, and making his face even more wrinkled. He looks familiar, nice, like a grandpa Jasper would love to have. "The cabin. Thank you for keeping it clean and in order. It was you, right?" The way the man pronounces the words make them sound funny, almost not understandable.
"Not me. It was Edward," Jasper replies, wondering why it is so hard to say Edward's name.
"Your friend, huh? Where is he?" the old man asks, looking around.
"Gone." Jasper doesn't want to talk anymore. He feels like he's being ripped out of his slumber into the world of pain again, and he hates the idea. "Leave me alone," he pleads. He notices the sweet scent of the man's blood and realizes that he's probably not fed in long weeks. It doesn't bode well for the man. "Go away," Jasper adds, holding his breath.
The man scrutinizes Jasper, looking him up and down, and nods. Then he pokes Jasper's bare arm with his finger.
"You're not human," he states. Jasper doesn't answer because he's not sure what he could say to this. It's pretty obvious. He's lying half naked in the snow, frozen, not breathing, yet he's not dead either.
"Well," the man says, standing up, "if you need anything come by my place, petit tupilaq. I've got hot tea and moonshine." He laughs a warm, scruffy laugh, and claps his thighs with his palms. Then he turns around, taking the bag he must have put down next to Jasper, and goes away whistling.
For a while Jasper fights the urge to chase the man, to sink his teeth in the flesh, feel the blissful taste of warm human blood. He turns around, burying his face in the mud, biting the soil. He shuts his eyes and focuses on forgetting the summoning thud, thud of the man's heart, and the delicious swoosh of blood in his veins.
When the man finally disappears from sight, and his scent is not so excruciating, Jasper slowly starts getting up. He sits on the ground, blinking and wondering where the hell most of the snow has gone.
"***"
Jasper finds hunting animals easy. They're faster than humans, but they follow familiar patterns of behavior, and Jasper likes it. When he's fed he deliberates what he should do next. He wanders around the wood for a while, astonished by how unfamiliar it looks without all the snow. Everything is green and fresh; the air smells of moist leaves and grass. He doesn't notice he's walked in a circle until he spots the cabin. The door is open and Jasper can see the man going in and out, moving some stuff to hang on a wooden construction in front of the shack.
"Ah, you!" the man shouts. When Jasper approaches reluctantly the man smiles and extends his hand. "I'm Mat. I see you've eaten." He laughs and seems to be unaffected by Jasper not going for a handshake. He slaps his thighs again. "So, you up for fishing? I'm gonna go in a minute. Best season for 'em."
Jasper shrugs and follows the man, enjoying the splashing of wet moss under his bare feet. The hike is slow, the man huffing and stopping every once in a while to take a deep breath.
They reach the river which is much broader now, and the current is fast. "Can you hold this for me, tupilaq?" Mat passes a fishing rod to Jasper who examines it with awe. It's an old rod but has some new appliances added to it, and a glistening little fly attached to the hook. Mat places some other stuff on the ground, makes a seat for himself and prepares for fishing, whistling the whole time.
"I don't have permission to fish in here, you know?" He laughs his scruffy laugh. "But you won't report me, will ya? Huh?"
Jasper shakes his head and passes the rod back to Mat. For a moment he watches the picturesque way in which the line swings and the fly dips in the water. It glistens in the sun and Jasper's perfect sight enables him to see the shadows of fish swimming in the icy water. When the third fish falls off the hook before being taken ashore Jasper loses his patience, dives in the river and within seconds throws a big char under the man's feet.
Mat starts laughing and punches Jasper on the back. "Thanks, tupilaq. But tell me, where's the fun in that?"
"I thought…" Jasper tries to explain himself, but before he can proceed the man pats him on the back again.
"Now, go catch me another one!"
And Jasper complies, washing a bit of dirt off him on the way.
When they come back to the cabin Jasper doesn't want to enter. He can't bear the sight of it without Edward there. He sits on the ground, glad that Mat's not insisting that he goes inside, nor trying to make him eat the meal.
"***"
During the next few weeks Jasper follows Mat around, helping him with small chores, all the time wondering if Mat's even real, if he isn't just one more shadow, or a ghost, or simply a product of Jasper's imagination. Mat doesn't pose uncomfortable questions; he accepts Jasper's presence as a given and isn't too shy to ask for favors. He seems grateful for Jasper's help even if Jasper goes to pick up wood and vanishes for long hours, getting lost on the way while contemplating the swirls on the water, or sparkles on his skin. Mat shouts for Jasper to hurry up before the night falls, only to laugh, because the night is non-existent during this time of the year.
The midnight sun disorients Jasper totally, messing with his head – he's not sure if time is passing at all, or are they just repeating the same day over and over in some vicious loop. The strange pattern of Mat's sleep – in small naps here and there – adds to the miscalculation. Once again, only Jasper's hunger indicates that the world is actually moving forward.
But then the days become shorter again, and Jasper finds himself arguing with the night shadows and voices, and even talking to his prey. Sometimes he answers Mat's questions days after the man has asked them, startling the old guy. Other times he talks to Mat, only to realize he's not around anymore.
Mat disappears with the first snow storms – leaving Jasper in a full-blown panic attack. Jasper can't recall Mat's farewell, so he searches for the old man everywhere for days – in the forest, under the thin ice on the river, and even along the closed roads. He's too scared to go inside the cabin – somehow during the searching he convinces himself that he must've killed Mat and that his body must be still in the shack – frozen and lifeless.
Or maybe Mat was one of the ghosts? Jasper wonders, turning around, trying to see past the darkness. The sounds of the forest terrify him, so he spends long nights curled up behind the pile of wood next to the cabin, pretending he's somewhere else. He's afraid to even stick his finger out, sure it'll get sucked into darkness, captured by the monsters. He doesn't shut his eyes for even a second, focused on protecting the remains of his soul.
"***"
This is how Edward finds him. Jasper feels petrified – he doesn't dare to move when he spots Edward, convinced that it's ghosts playing tricks on him, showing him what he longs to see.
"Jasper?" Edward crouches next to him, placing a surprisingly warm hand on his knee.
He looks beautiful, Jasper thinks – well fed, well dressed, almost glowing with confidence, he's clearly being taken care of.
"Jasper, why aren't you inside?" Edward asks.
Jasper panics, not knowing how to answer, how to tell Edward that he doesn't want to see Mat's corpse inside.
"What corpse?" Edward looks at Jasper, clearly worried.
"Uh, the owner's, I guess?" Jasper answers, aloud this time. He stands up to hide behind Edward's back while Edward opens the door.
Edward goes in, and comes back out immediately.
"Jasper, there's no one inside, not even a fresh smell of anyone."
Jasper lets out a shuddering breath – he's not sure if this is good or bad. Now he's even more paranoid that he must have imagined the man. But at least he hasn't killed him, or he hasn't killed him here. And that's something, right? But what if Mat was some kind of a daemon after all? Jasper thinks and starts trembling again. He looks around, as if ghosts are already crowding round to get to him. He jumps when he feels a hand closing on his wrist.
"Are you okay?" Edward asks.
"Yes, yes," Jasper responds quickly, sitting down on a chair. "Why are you here?"
"I promised you I'd come back, right?" Edward smiles. He's buzzing with energy, like a man on a mission.
Jasper has to admit that against his better judgment he was waiting for Edward all this time. It's almost like he can finally take a breath, now, when Edward's finally here. But before Jasper can even let a bit of hope light up in his chest, before he can start deluding himself that Edward's come back to him at last, Edward spoils it all.
"I want you to come back with me to the Cullens," he says seriously, still watching Jasper intently.
"No," Jasper says without consideration.
"Jasper, please. Let me explain at least," Edward continues calmly. "I found them almost immediately. They weren't living far from Seattle. There are four of them – Carlisle, who's like a father, his wife Esme and two younger ones – Rosalie and Emmett."
"A perfect American family…" Jasper says mockingly.
"Far from that." Edward chuckles. "But yes – they are a family. A real one, Jasper. You'd love it there. You'd bathe in all the warm, gentle feelings there. They're full of love and commitment. I'm already treated as their son, and you'd be seen like one, too."
"I bet." Jasper grinds his teeth to prevent him from saying anything more.
"And there is this girl whose thoughts I can't hear!" Edward says, enthusiastically.
"Of course there is a girl," Jasper huffs, so annoyed that he could kill Edward right now.
"It's not what you think…" Edward starts explaining, but Jasper doesn't let him finish.
"So what do you want from me?" Jasper's trembling now, clenching and unclenching his fists to stop himself from giving into the blinding rage he feels. "A fucking blessing? What do you take me for, Edward? I'm not your father to give you one! And how exactly do you picture your life there, huh? A white fence, a house and two point five kids? Are you fucking out of your mind?"
"No. It was always your dream, Jasper, not mine," Edward says, surprisingly quietly and gently.
Jasper doesn't comment on that. Instead he tries to get the emotions coming from Edward, but they are oddly unclear. There's sorrow there, anger, and regret, all mixed with a lot of longing and warm feelings that Jasper doesn't want to acknowledge. But underneath it all Jasper can detect pity. And that he cannot take. He won't let Edward pity him – not now and not ever.
Edward reaches for Jasper's hand, but he pulls it right out of Edward's grip like it's on fire.
"Don't you dare," he hisses.
"Jasper…" Edward begins again, but trails off, because he's already picked up the answer from Jasper's brain.
I don't want any of this. And I don't want you.
"Jasper, please, please, just think about it. Okay? Please? If you ever change your mind, search for the Cullens, or Hales, or McCartys. I'll leave a note for you every time we move, okay?"
"Don't bother," Jasper answers, wanting nothing else now but for Edward to finally go away – to go back to his little perfect family, and perfect life, and perfect silent girl he's found.
So Edward just says, "I'm sorry," and turns to leave while Jasper tries hard to not fall apart right then and there as he watches Edward's retreating form.
Jasper stands motionless, gathering whatever strength he has left in him, and slowly unclenches his fists. He takes a deep intake of breath, and another one, and another, until he's sure he's able to see and move. He starts running, as fast as he can to reach the sea.
The finality of the farewell makes him want to weep. He's been waiting for Edward, he must admit it, but it's all done now. It feels to him like the end of the world. The thing between him and Edward was as close to love as he would ever get and he can't get over it so easily. So he runs like his whole life depends on it.
He feels he's being chased – shadows and voices make him shiver. He keeps looking around anxiously and each change of light makes him jump. He's afraid of the beasts of the north. The plains of white don't provide any shelter. So he crushes the ice, hitting it with his fists, digging a hole in it, until he gets to the water. He punches and hits the ice frantically to make it wide enough for him to squeeze through. When he dives in, he believes that he did it just in time, that he's escaped by only inches and he swears he can hear an angry howl above his head.
He's surprised that the water here is much warmer than he'd thought. He dives deeper and deeper till he reaches the bottom. He lies there, his body heavy – with his hands on the ground, palms down. He shuts his eyes and allows the slow movement of the waves over him to lull him into a non-existent state. There's no day or night here – only water and the thick ice above it.
Time passes, and Jasper assumes it must have been days or weeks or maybe months even since he's dived in here because he feels his hunger growing and growing – reaching the point when it's unbearable – and then changing into a dull ache inside his body, once he decides he doesn't really care about feeding anymore.
His turmoil slowly goes away as the waves calm him, and Jasper finally lets go and invites the peace inside him. He allows his mind to go to places that will never be, as he rewrites his life in a different universe.
"***"
Sun shines high up in the sky and all colors lose their saturation, like in overdeveloped film. Jasper inhalesthe scent of grass and runs his hand over the green edgy leaves.
"Jasper, dinner!" He hears from the house and smiles at the thought of it. He walks toward a small, white house, up three front steps and enters the house, hearing the rattling of plates and forks. He stands in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the wall and taking in the sight of it all. The table with dinner on it, his four year old son trying to dig his fork into a piece of meat that keeps sliding down his plate.
"Look, Daddy, look, it runs away!" The boy giggles.
"So I see," Jasper says, stepping behind his wife to hug her. He wraps his arms around her tiny frame and places them on her pregnant belly. He kisses her neck, relishing the most gorgeous scent on earth.
"Hi, Baby," he murmurs in her ear.
"Hi, Baby," she says and turns around to kiss him. He looks in her eyes and smiles at her, kissing her again on her soft lips, holding her face gently in his hands. He threads his fingers into her short dark hair which sticks out, as usual, in every direction possible, trying to tame it a bit and putting it behind her ears.
"Come on, let's eat, while it's still warm," she says trying to break free. But Jasper doesn't let her go. He stands with her in his arms and tries to remember this feeling forever - the smell of the air around him, the hissing of the kettle on the stove, the sound of the wind in the grass outside, the chirping of the crickets, and the feeling of Alice's soft hair around his fingers.
Deep down on the bottom of the sea Jasper smiles and replays the whole story again in his mind.
A/N
This was the original end for the story, but… I couldn't leave the boys here!
So three chapters more :)