A/N
Thank you so much for reading this story and for all the beautiful reviews. One more chapter after this one.
Many, many thanks to Im_not_a_lizard for pre-reading and to Fr333bird for beta'ing.
The picspiration for this chapter: Bit(dot)ly/JdRF17
15. The Temptation
Mat's heart stops in his sleep. Jasper's watching TV, as usual, when he hears a small, low gasp, and then there's silence. It's strange to not hear the uneven thumping, so Jasper gets up and walks into Mat's bedroom. He knows death when he sees it, and he knows there's nothing he can do, but he calls 911 anyway because that's the right thing to do.
Mat's usual doctor comes over, checks Mat's pulse and looks into his eyes with a small flashlight, then writes down the time of his death. It's as simple as that – no probing, no rush of paramedics, no defibrillating, like in the series that Jasper watches all the time. The doctor pats Jasper's shoulder sympathetically and says someone will come over in the morning to help him with the arrangements.
When the doctor's gone Jasper sits next to Mat and cries. He hasn't got any tears, but it doesn't make his crying any less real. It's a human thing to do, Jasper thinks, grieving for this death he hasn't caused and for this man whom he saw as his friend.
Jasper doesn't wait for the morning to come. He packs his few belongings into Mat's worn knapsack and leaves most of the money he's earned on the kitchen table. Funerals are expensive, and he thinks he owes Mat at least this. When the dawn starts covering the earth with the first frosty grey light, Jasper looks around one last time, taking in the sight of the cluttered space. He sighs and leaves, shutting the door behind him carefully, and starts heading south.
At first the roads are empty – the region is still deep under the snow. But slowly, the asphalt becomes more visible and the passing cars more frequent. Jasper stops at a gas station and looks at a lonely truck parked on the side. He surprises himself when he goes to the truck, taps on the door and asks, "Hi, I was wondering if you could give me a lift?"
"Where to?" asks the driver, astonishing Jasper even more, because he doesn't even look closely at the vampire – he's just willing to help.
"South," Jasper answers. "I don't have any specific place I need to be in. Just south is good."
It's warm and dry in the cabin and Jasper enjoys the ride with the lazy sounds of late night radio shows and cracking of CB radio filtering through the night. After that he repeats the pattern – getting off one truck and finding another one at the next gas station. There are always woods around where he can hunt before he goes back on the road.
One of the gas stations has a 'Help wanted' sign on the window and Jasper learns that they're looking for someone to cover the night shift. The small town is as good as any other place in the world, so Jasper agrees to take the job, after filling out tons of forms with made up data about his age, place of birth and insurance number.
"Do you know a place I could stay?" he asks the gas station manager and is shown to a peculiar bed-and-breakfast where he rents a room with an adjoining bathroom. The sight of an old TV set makes him smile.
There isn't much to do during night shifts at the station. The customers are scarce and Jasper doesn't understand why there is even a need for him to be there. But he doesn't complain as he chats with random drivers, pouring them coffee and handing out hot dogs and chewing gum.
People are all the same to Jasper – smelling more or less enticing, wrapped in their human emotions and human errands. He doesn't notice them, ignoring the ever-changing flow of bodies with the stoicism of the immortal.
And it all goes well, until he notices a one deliciously smelling girl…
"I'm Annie," she says, extending her small hand to Jasper and pushing her long, dark hair out of her face with the other hand. Instantly Jasper is enveloped in the most delectable, mouth-watering scent he's ever smelled. It takes all he has in him to not jump on the girl right then and there. He wants to drink her blood and then roll on her body like dogs do to dead flesh to keep her smell on him for as long as possible.
"***"
On the fourth of July, when everyone gets crazy and loads of people will be on the road, Annie is due to help on Jasper's shift. He's not prepared to have the girl so close to him. Her smell is excruciating – pure, heady, fresh, so perfect, as if the girl has been made especially for Jasper. He can't concentrate on the register, messing up the receipts and forgetting to hand credit cards back, which has never happened before.
He's unable to avert his gaze from the girl's perfect cleavage – her flawless, pale skin, a bit flushed from the rush she's in. Small blue veins are visible under the thin layer of skin and Jasper wants nothing more than to just touch it, to press his fingers in it – push so hard until the skin would give and the small rivers of blood would flow under his fingertips. He'd taste and lick them before he sank his teeth deep in the veins. It would be just like on the commercials for chocolate soufflé – when the delicate surface of the crust crushes under the spoon and the liquid, hot inside, slowly trickles outside.
Annie must feel Jasper's eyes on her because she blushes furiously and plays with her hair, exposing her delicate neck even more to Jasper. He can't take it anymore. He closes his eyes and presses the heels of his hands into his temples.
"Are you okay?" Annie asks and even her breath is sweet and inviting.
"Yeah," Jasper manages to answer. "I just need a minute. I'll be right back."
He leaves the register and heads to the bathroom, trying to breathe deeply only through his mouth. He washes his face in cold water, as if it might help him cool down a bit.
Maybe he could do it, just this once? Just take this insignificant girl somewhere from here and be done with it? One slip wouldn't exactly mean that he's gone the wrong way again, would it? It would just be this one time, then he would go back to feeding on animals. No one would be harmed really and it's not like he hasn't done it before. It would be just once…
With this resolve Jasper's waiting for Annie after work, standing by the wall and nervously playing with a can opener which was lying on a coffee table. Annie walks out and sees him, and is a little startled.
"You haven't gone home yet?" she asks, roughing her hair again, and enveloping Jasper once more in her perfect smell.
"Can I walk you home?" Jasper inquires, ignoring Annie's question.
She looks at him with her brown eyes, which look like that chocolate soufflé Jasper was imagining earlier, and is clearly hesitating.
So Jasper eases her, using a bit of his powers, and it's working, my God, it's working so much better than Jasper wishes for. And soon enough the girl is laughing at Jasper's words, mesmerized by his amber eyes and dimpled smile.
They walk the small distance to Annie's house.
"Do you want to come inside?" she asks, sounding surprised like she's never suggested such a thing before.
From what Jasper can feel from her, she's a bit ashamed and uncertain. So he sends some more calmness toward her, before she motions for him to follow her. Jasper hesitates. He's never, ever done it this way – he's always taken his victims somewhere else – to a hotel, or just to a street corner. But he follows Annie up the stairs and into her light-colored apartment.
He glances at cream walls and white doors, and then his gaze passes the photos on the wall – the girl laughing, the girl with an older couple, probably her parents, the girl with her friends. This is why Jasper hasn't wanted to visit the houses of people he's killed – he hates to see that, he doesn't want to know about the life he's claiming. But he says nothing as he enters Annie's bedroom and pushes some light waves of desire towards her, before approaching her and starting to undress her slowly. He's very careful to not touch her body with his cold hands as he undoes the buttons of her shirt – one after another, and unties her wrap-skirt. She's thin but feminine, with full breasts and slim legs.
"You're beautiful," Jasper whispers, laying her gently down on the bed. Annie tries to kiss him, but he evades it and hooks the tips of his fingers in her panties, easing them down. He feels like he's about to break down, but he saves that for later, focusing on the moment instead. He gathers up the emotions inside him, directing them to the girl. He goes for desire, but underlined with warm feelings he's learned while being with Edward.
"Oh God," she says, "I've never wanted anyone so much in my life as I want you right now."
Jasper pushes her legs apart, and she must think that he's going to go down on her because she's reaching with her hands and burying her fingers in Jasper's hair. He kisses gently her inner thigh and overflows her with arousal, so she's writhing on the sheets now and fisting his hair tightly.
Jasper usually tries not to touch people and he certainly never touches them in a sexual way. But this time he places his hand on Annie's pussy, helping her to reach her climax while he imagines how his teeth would cut her skin right next to her artery. He shudders and presses his tongue to the pulsing vein on her thigh, feeling the flow of blood under the skin, wanting this, craving it so hard it almost blinds him, while she's riding her high and doesn't even realize what he's doing. It would be so easy to just move a little bit further and cut that delicate layer of skin with his sharp teeth. Jasper thinks he's never wanted blood so much in his life, not even when he got out from under the ice, starved and weak.
Finally Annie's coherent enough to move her fingers in Jasper's hair and it seems to wake him up from his haze.
"Jasper?" she whispers. "Come up here."
He slowly moves up her body, shivering and on the verge of losing it.
"Can I do something for you? What would you like? Can I suck you off?" Annie asks, still a little bit breathless and warm after her orgasm.
"No," Jasper says gently. "I just wanted you so much. I still want you." He's telling the truth, but Annie has no idea of the hidden meaning of these words.
"You are so different from the other guys." She sighs. "They usually just do their thing and leave me without even thinking if I'd come or not."
Jasper thinks he hates humans a little bit more after this confession and hums something in reply, still fighting his urge to just take this body in his arms and drink her up.
"You are so gentle, so sweet…" Annie murmurs, already drifting into sleep in Jasper's arms.
"I have to go," Jasper says apologetically, feeling like a dick for having to leave her here alone just like all the other guys apparently left her after doing their thing.
"Okay," she agrees sleepily. "Just stay until I fall asleep. It feels so good like this, so safe."
So Jasper lies behind her, brushing her hair out of the way and kissing her neck and wrapping his arms around her. He tries to hide his face in her smell, to get lost in her warmth, hugging her tighter as her heart rate slowly calms down and her breath evens up.
The burn in his throat is almost unbearable, it hurts like it has never before, but Jasper welcomes it, thinking he deserves it. It's a good punishment for wanting to take this girl's life away and for not being for her what she deserves.
When the first rays of sunlight hit the room Jasper stands up, covers Annie with the sheets and leaves the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him. He doesn't go back to his place, he doesn't want to see it ever again as everything there smells and reminds him of what he's just wanted to do. He walks straight ahead and when he reaches the city limits and the wood surrounding the area he thinks that this is where he should be, because he's not human. He's an animal, or worse – a monster – and monsters should be kept in the deep depths of oceans or the darkest places of forests.
He doesn't really need to hunt but he kills one animal after another anyway, until all the blood he's drunk makes him feel too sated and heavy. Then he lies down on the ground, looking up at the spreading branches of the trees. The gentle moving of the pines above him and the smell of the moss reminds him of the time he and Edward made love in the woods. The memory hurts, as usual, and Jasper rolls onto his side, clutching his arms to his body, willing the pain to go away. When it subsides a little he sits up, leans against a tree and bumps his head on the trunk helplessly. He closes his eyes, sighing.
Even though he felt like he was moving forwards, nothing really has changed. He's still at square one without any future, without any idea what to do with himself, or anything to look for in his life. There's nothing ahead of him and he's been deluding himself that he could make a living among humans. The feeling of belonging was false and it ended when he left Mat's house. Everything is pointless.
But maybe he hasn't tried hard enough, he thinks. Maybe he should give himself more time, see how the future unfolds, at least give it a chance. He tries hard to come up with an idea of what he would like, where he would want to go, but nothing fits. Finally, sighing again, he decides to go home. If Texas doesn't work for him, nothing in the world will.
"***"
However, seven years later, Jasper's as clueless about his life as he was in the woods after he'd left Annie on that fourth of July. He's been fair to himself, he's tried it all – he's taken several different jobs, he's learned to drive, he's been doing real human stuff, like going to the movies and hanging out in pubs. But he feels as detached as he always has. He's unable to relate to others, to form strong bonds, and the everyday interaction which happens on the surface is killing him piece by piece.
As he lies in the middle of a field, on the ground, looking up in the sky and hearing the gentle motion of the Texan grass around him, he tries hard to find one single thing that would mean something to him.
The sun is high in the sky, warming the ground and shining brightly. Jasper knows his skin must sparkle in the light, but he doesn't see it. For him everything seems to be covered in a thick layer of dust. The ashes are falling from the sky like snowflakes and bury the world in gray film. The grass isn't greenish-yellow anymore, the sky isn't blue. Everything is colorless, the sounds are muffled, the smells subdued. Jasper looks at his hand, examining the scar which is still there, but even the scar looks like it's covered in dust – almost invisible. It's only a matter of time until the ash starts invading Jasper's ears, eyes, mouth, the pores of his skin making him immobile and eventually blind, deaf and mute.
Jasper tries to recall the exact moment in which the world lost its color and clothed itself in this gray coat, but he isn't sure. It was sneaking up on him since the day he decided to head back to Texas, or maybe earlier, when Mat died, or maybe even before – when Edward left. Perhaps it was always there, just waiting to catch up with him and he didn't notice it.
But he's very sure of one thing – he's done with the world and himself. It's not the feeling of self-hate and disgust he felt before he met Edward. It's also not the feeling of deep despair and pain he was in when Edward left. It's just… nothing. There is nothing in this life for him anymore. He wants nothing anymore. It's just gray void – if a void can be gray.
He wishes to turn into the ashes that he sees and match the surroundings, to finish this once and for all. But it is not easy for a vampire. Perhaps he could seek out Maria and her wrath, but he doesn't want to end his life in a violent rush of revenge. He longs for peace and forgiveness. There is only one person he can think of who would care enough for him to do it. Edward owes him this death.
Jasper slowly stands up, running his hands over his jeans to rub off the dust. At least he has a temporary goal ahead of him now – he needs to find Edward.
And then… Then, he will work out how to convince Edward to do what Jasper wants.