Sherlock Holmes: Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?
Mycroft Holmes: All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.
-"A Scandal in Belgravia" (Sherlock)
You don't know when it started, but it's scaring you-what you're thinking, what you've been thinking. Because you don't want to anymore, you just want to give up. You don't want to care. Not after all of this. You want to stop. You want to become entirely detached before all of this destroys you.
It might've begun years ago, years and years ago before you had any sort of idea that magic existed. Maybe you'd gotten so tired of all of it that you'd wanted nothing more than to simply become numb.
Or maybe it had started with Sirius's escape, just the way his death had undoubtedly intensified the longing for indifference.
You know that's when you became aware of it, in your fifth year. When he died. Because it was just so unfair, so wrong, so impossible to grasp. One moment he was there, and the next... The next he was gone. You did not-could not, did not want to-understand. Not at first. But you did. Some part of you knew. And with that came the most awful feeling-indescribable and horrible and so very foreign.
And it almost felt good then, the hatred. In that moment, it felt almost wonderful. Immediately after, you were disgusted—absolutely disgusted—with yourself.
And Dumbledore, he told you it was okay, that it was good, that it was healthy to feel like this.
You didn't believe him, didn't want to. But you realized in this distant way, in the same way the you realized Sirius was not coming back, that this would not be the last time. Others would die. Everyone would die, and you would watch it all happen. And you would just keep on feeling that awful, awful feeling and there would be nothing you could do to free yourself from it. Not unless you stopped yourself.
But you keep on caring, don't you? You can't bring yourself to stop.
They're going to die. Ron, Hermione, Ginny. Luna, Neville.
They'll all die, because of you. Because you care about them.
And you'll just keep on caring, won't you, even after everything—everyone—you've ever been stupid enough to care about it long gone, no matter how much you want to turn it off.
And you don't know which part of that disgusts you more.
AN: Sorry for the lack of updating lately. Just finished the school year, so hopefully that'll mean more updates, but June means Camp NaNo, so I don't quite know. However, during July and part of August, I'll likely be posting quite a bit, especially considering that I'll be attending LeakyCon and in a very Potter-y mood. Hopefully this wasn't too bad, though, despite the gap? Anyway, you can see more about my lack of posting, replies, etc. on my profile. Thanks for reading!