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CHAPTER 5
Alec PoV
MyFlanboyantSelfMagnus Bane
You might not be shiny but you're the only one that could enlighten my life.
MyFlanboyantSelfMagnus Bane
I love your smile…even if I was the one that took it away….
MyFlanboyantSelfMagnus Bane
Would you sing with me ever again?
MyFlanboyantSelfMagnus Bane
Can we start again? Can you forgive me?
MyFlanboyantSelfMagnus Bane
Please…I know you can find me…please, let's just talk.
I looked though Magnus' twitter…this had been going nonstop for over a week…I still had no idea what I was going to do and he seemed determined to get to me somehow…his facebook was the same…damn, the worst was that at first those little messages seemed fun, but as the days went by his words began to sound sad and kind of desperate.
My siblings kept giving me stares every time he twitted something like that…I had no idea how to answer those questions, part of me wanted to run to him and tell him that yes, I still loved him, I wanted him back but then again…did I ever had him at all? Did he love me? Maybe he was just starstruck…I wasn't smug like Jace but I knew I'd gotten better over the years…maybe he just wanted a fuck to get over it, maybe his ego was hurt…I had no idea what to think or do because honestly I didn't know Magnus at all, I didn't know who the real Magnus was, the dancing rainbow at the park or the cruel guy at the cafe I didn't know who the real Magnus was, the dancing rainbow at the park or the cruel guy at the café…not that he hadn't been a little bit of both to the cameras, but we all knew no one was real for the media…Jace for example, he always had shown himself as this self centered dick…but I knew he was far away from that –every now and then when he really needed it-, or Isabelle, a rising model that only showed that she was a plastic strong girl, when really she was…well that but also the best sister in the world…now this was getting to a chick flick moment…where the hell was Jace? I was outside this really creepy warehouse waiting for him as he talked to the scary guys from the other day…why was he talking to those kinds of people? It was safe to say that I was concerned about my brother, he wasn't stupid but he made a lot of stupid choices that normally got him in trouble and I had to pull him out of it…it was no fun but being the older one I had this compulsion to give everything for my younger siblings, all three of them…even if I hadn't seen Max in over two years I still talked to him through rushed phone calls, texts and mails…I missed him but my parents were really strict about my chatting time with him…they probably thought I could rub my gayness in my even nerdier brother.
I shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other, I'd been here for an hour and just as I was about to throw caution thought the window and go see what my brother was up to, the door opened and Jace emerged from it frowning deeply and a little pale…it was hard to get him this off balance.
"Care to tell me what's up?" I asked him as soon as we were at a nice distance from that place.
"Nothing…"
"Jace…"
"I have it under control, ok?" he hissed walking faster.
"You have what under control?" I reached to grab his shoulder to stop him but he shrugged me off and walked faster, I huffed knowing that he would tell me what was up later and that I had to swallow my concern until then. I heard my phone buzz and I saw that it was Izzy.
"Hey sis"
"Are you home?" she asked in a nonchalant voice.
"Nope" seeing that Jace didn't want to be reached I continued walking calmly, after all he was going to the studio and I was going home, no point in running after him.
"Well, where are you?"
"…far?" I didn't think that it was right to tell her about the crappy place we were in.
"…okay…can you make it home before six?" I looked at my watch.
"Sure…why? Do you want to come over?" I hoped inside my car, no signs of Jace left so I turned the engine and drove home.
"Yeah, I have to make you watch something, besides I miss Meow" I narrowed my eyes at this, I did not trust my sister when she used that tone, it meant that whatever she was making me watch I wouldn't necessary like it…fuck.
"I don't like that tone of yours"
"Yeah, I know, well hurry up! Bye!" she hung up and I looked at my phone frowning before I sighed and continued my way.
Magnus PoV
I was nervous and that hadn't happen in a long, long time. Why you may ask? Well because after practically stalking Alec through my various internet accounts…not that I knew he had seen any of my messages, everybody knew that I was after somebody, a blue eyed guy, that I had screwed up, that I had a new song for him and that in the next five minutes I would be interviewed about it…I just hoped I could get Alec's attention somehow, I desperately needed to talk to him.
I was currently on a lounge area backstage looking through my fans tweets, some of them claimed to be my blue eyed Adonis –yes inside my mind he was mine- but I knew him well enough to know that if he twitted me back, he wouldn't say things like Baby, I'm yours! Or Yes I forgive you, I could never hate you honey…I knew that he probably had hated me and that if we talked he would probably say it…besides he was way above the pet names, that was my thing.
"Magnus, you're up" said my assistant, I sighed and got up following her to the stage, I smiled at the people walking to a small bench where my guitar rested, I swallowed remembering all the times we had spent creating crazy stuff with it. I took a breath, sat and began playing.
We were laying on the grass looking at the orangey sky, it was a nice peaceful day. We were in silence, but it felt nice, a comforting silence…I started humming lightly as I let my fingers ghost around his, when he didn't move his hand away I smiled taking it with my own before turning my head to the side, he was blushed –big surprise- and kept his breathtaking blue eyes looking at the sky as a small smile crept through his lips. He was indeed the most beautiful human being I had ever seen, inside and out...but things couldn't go any further, I had to get my head straight and focus on my career.
And I remember everything,
Everything I loved,
I gave it away like it wasn't enough
All the words I said and all you forgive
How could I hurt you again?
"I like this" he said sighing before he turned to me "But I have to go" not saying a word I moved to rest my forehead on his closing my eyes, it was nice to have someone like this but lets face it, he was never going to get out of the closet, he would never acknowledge me to the world, he was an innocent soul that wouldn't fit in my world…this had to be over.
What if I let you in?
What if I make it right it?
What if I give it up?
What if I want to try?
What if you take a chance?
What if I learn to love?
What if, what if we start again?
I moved forward kissing him, it wasn't a big passionate kiss, we had never kissed like that, but in a way this kiss was filled with emotion because I knew this was our last kiss, the last time my lips caressed his own, sensing his breath mixing with mine and his shy hands around my neck.
When we broke apart to let some air inside our lungs and our eyes connected again I saw a look of determination inside his emerald gaze, I didn't know what had triggered such look and I was sure I wouldn't get the chance to know "Bye Alexander" I said, he smiled taking my words just as a simple good bye, like every day we saw each other…not the real farewell that they meant to me.
All this time
I can make it right
With one more try
Can we start again?
In my eyes,
You can see it now,
Can we start again, can we start again?
The next day I decided to take the new Spanish model for a coffee, somehow knowing that Alec might go around that place, my hopes were that once he saw me with another guy he would run away, I didn't think he cared deeply for me, for him it was probably something like puppy love, his first real gay crush. Just as I was trying to enjoy having the guy's arm around me I saw him get inside thought my peripheral vision, I didn't lose any time before I claimed the models lips, he returned the kiss eagerly, passionate, experimented…for some reason I didn't like it at all.
Emptiness inside me, wonder if you see
It's my mistake and it's hurting me
I known where we've been
How did we get so far?
What if, what if we start again?
"M-Magnus?" I heard his broken voice, I turned to him portraying my best bored expression trying hard not to look inside his eyes, I knew I wouldn't make it if he involved me in those navy eyes.
"Oh, hi Alec" I started thinking in my asshole producer to smile at him "This is Gerardo, he's from Spain" I was glad I remembered the name of the model, I made the mistake of meeting his gaze and my resolution began crumbling so I decided to distract myself by kissing said model "Anything you want darling?"
I'm lost inside the pain I feel without you,
I can't stop holding on, I need you with me!
I'm trapped inside the pain
Can we ever start again?
I'm lost without you!
"Y-you're kissing another guy" I almost chuckled at his bluntness…so Alec-ish.
"Well I am captain obvious, anything else?"
"I-I t-thought we…"
"We? Alec there's no we…" I faked astonishment seeing his pained expression "Wait, wait…you didn't think…oh my god you did! You thoughtwewere together?" the model at my side began laughing at him and all I wanted to do was punch him, how dared he make fun of Alec?
"Yes" my heart sank deep in my stomach as our gaze met, his eyes showed so many shades of blue that I could see a storm inside him, I did my best to look indifferent at his words as I prepared myself for the last blow.
"Aww poor thing…darling we are barely friends, I´m sorry but someone like me could never go out with someone likeyou" I looked him just focusing on his holey sweater and worn out pants, they disgusted me enough to make it look like I was seeing him.
"You know…I´ve just told my parents that I´m g-gay…a-and you know what? They told me they hated me, they called me a fag, they threw me out of the house and told me that I was no son of theirs…I did it for you…because I didn't want you to think that I was ashamed of you" he let out a dry chuckle as I tried to find the strength to process what he was saying"I guess it was the other way around…I´m glad they didn't give me the time to tell them…imagine a poor gay looser son and that thought the most amazing guy could love him when he really was a charity work…I guess I´m lucky, right?" he smiled at me through saddened eyes, like he was used to be treated like this "Good bye Magnus"
One more try,
Can we start again?
In my eyes, can you forgive me now?
(Can we start again?)
Can we start again (one more try?)
Can we start again?
Can we start again (can you forgive me?)
Can we start again?
I closed my eyes as I finished the song, after he had said that to me all I wanted to do was run after him, tell him that I was an idiot, but the darkest part of me kept me there thinking that it was the best for my future…in later years when I knew that I had made the biggest mistake of my life I couldn't find a way to reach him, to contact him, just like now all I had was my music and I hoped he could give me a chance to mend things.
"There you go people! This was start again by Magnus Bane" said the hostess walking to stand next to me "Now Magnus, that was a really beautiful and meaningful song, is it for someone special?"
"Indeed it is" the public went crazy at my answer and two seconds later they started chanting blue eyes over and over again.
"Let's talk about what has been going on in all of your pages" she wiggled her brow "You're not hiding that you want this blue eyed guy, care to give us part of the story?" I swallowed not sure what could I say, I knew for sure that Alec hated the attention, and even if the people didn't know it was him, he knew who I talked about –if he cared to check my pages at all, which I really hoped- and he wouldn't be happy if I spilled our drama in national TV.
"I screwed up, that's all I'm willing to say…and I'm looking for his forgiveness" I shrugged.
"But who could resist the great Magnus Bane?" she asked and I almost winced, after all being The Great Magnus Bane was what had made me push Alec away.
"He knew me before that, when I was just another musician at the park" I grasped my guitar a little strongly wanting to get the heck out of there and go mope in my room, I was way off balance, there I was with hardly any makeup, my hair loose and simple clothes –well simple for my usual wear- all because I wanted to sing that song for the first time without a mask, showing all I had inside hoping that Alec would see me.
"Could you tell us a little bit about him?" I guessed it wouldn't hurt.
"A little bit?" I smiled at her "He has the most beautiful voice I had ever heard and…a really nice ass"
Alec PoV
I blushed hard hearing what Magnus said on TV...I couldn't even think of something to say at my sister, who was laughing hard at my face. First he had sang the soon to be my favorite song, it was like he used to sing, with his soul and not just to gain millions of dollars, but to let us know what he felt…to let me know. And then he was talking about my ass…typical Magnus.
"Well who would've thought…" started Isabelle.
"Shut up" I groaned passing a hand through my face as I heard the hostess laugh.
"Oh my, always a charm Magnus…sadly we have to stop our little gossip parade because we're out of time…make sure to tune…" I turned off the TV and closed my eyes trying to process those minutes…could we start again? Could I let my heart on the line yet again? I wasn't so sure.
"I think you should talk to him" spoke Izzy handing me the cat "He seems…sincere" I sighed getting out my phone, I started following him after that first tweet, but had never made a single comment…maybe if I left something there…some sort of test to see if he really remembered me –I still had Jace's words printed on my brain- or if he was just in fact, horny for me…damn that sounded so Jace I shuddered.
Magnus PoV
I was about to get my stuff ready to get out of the studio when my phone lighten showing me that my crazy fans had started twitting me, I sighed and walked to take a look, at least they kind of cheered me up. I rested my hip on the vanity table looking at the messages until one user name caught my attention IsawADancingRainbow…cute, I tried to remember if I had read any twits from that user before but I didn't come up with anything, I was certain that I would remember that name, I moved my eyes to read what he/she wrote and furrowed my brows in confusion when I did.
IsawADancingRainbow Blue Eyes
MyFlamboyantSelf After this, I think I might like your songs again.
My heart began beating wildly, could it be? No, Alec would never have a user name like that, or use Blue Eyes like his name…but then again, only the two of us knew that he hated my last songs because they had no heart like the first ones…and this one did have my hole heart around the lyrics…my thoughts were interrupted when another horde of twits reached my inbox, I sighed going through them only to find yet another one from IsawADancingRainbow, I swallowed before reading it, when I did I had to read it a thousand times more only to be sure I was reading right feeling that I could have a heart attack right there.
IsawADancingRainbow Blue Eyes
MyFlamboyantSelf Mocha latte, soy milk, double sugar and extra cream...I wonder what could be the perfect fit for that sugar bomb.
With shaking fingers I wrote on my phone cursing the fucking touch screen for making things even more difficult and putting wrong letters between words.
MyFlamboyantSelf Magnus Bane
IsawADancingRainbow black coffee with one teaspoon of sugar.
IsawADancingRainbow Blue Eyes
MyFlamboyantSelf Park. Friday. 6pm.
Sooo what do you think? Hate it? Love it? Review?
Don't worry, this wont end soon, and warning for later chaptes, M-rated isn't just for smut so beware!
The song I used is Start Again by Red :D
Take care Malec fans!