Not Afraid Chapter 14, a mortal instruments fanfic

Last time I forgot…the song I used was "All I need" by Within Temptation and in this chapter I used "So far away" by Staind.

CHAPTER 14

Alec PoV

If someone might had said to me a couple of years ago that I would be standing next to a camera and a very smiley Magnus announcing our relationship on national TV…I would have laughed and told that someone that needed to check his brains…now, well here I was knowing that I hated this idea and the two people responsible for it (a.k.a. Jace and Izzy) were going to pay for doing this to me…slow and painful.

"So…care to give us a scoop about how you two met?" asked the hostess sitting on the other couch. It was a normal night talk show, they had invited Magnus to perform…how had I ended up in that couch with him? I still had no idea.

"Well it's a funny story" began Magnus chuckling "I was at the park trying to think about a song…" I rolled my eyes at this. I had been watching him, he had been making a huge tantrum and as a result my glasses were broken.

"Well Alec seems to think differently" interrupted the blond woman.

"I think that thinking about a song and making a tantrum because he hated his manager at that moment must be synonymous for Magnus" I said earning a light slap in the arm by my boyfriend, who had a very fake hurt face.

"You offend me my love" he said making everyone laugh "See…that's why he earned what happened next"

"What happened?" inquired the woman and I sighed thinking that maybe I hated being up there but it felt good how welcoming the people had been with our relationship…it almost made everything else go away.

"He threw his guitar right at my face" I pointed at him with my thumb "Broke my glasses and went to see how I was after he checked that my face wasn't printed on his precious guitar" at this Magnus simply shrugged keeping his smile.

"Bones can be fixed, guitars can't…and I bought him new specks" said this he took my hand and directed his amazing smile at me. Not being able to stop the stupid grin that came over my face when he did that I didn't notice the camera making a fucking huge close up in my face…when I finally did I had no option than turn redder than a freaking tomato and hoping for earth to swallow me.

"Aww aren't you just adorable" sighed the hostess making the public laugh "Okay, okay so that's how that romance bloomed…care to tell us something else?" I noticed how Magnus looked down and I saw the regret for his actions shine inside his yellow-green eyes.

"No need" I grasped his hand "We're together now and we're happy" at this Magnus gave me a small smile, the one I knew that was the most amazing of them all because it showed the man underneath all the glamour and fame, just the guy that regretted his actions and that said that loved me every day sense that time when he said it though the phone two months ago.

"I'm sure someone will make a movie out of you two sometime" at this we laughed but my heart wasn't into it…I sure hoped not, who would want to make a life like mine for the world to see? "So, a little bird told me that you wrote a couple of songs together"

I am going to kill my sister…

"Yes, I don't know if I'll add them to my album or not though" spoke my boyfriend noticing that I was not entirely comfortable with talking about our songs.

"Would it be awful if you sing one for us?" oh shit…and then the crowd was chanting Sing! Sing! Like they were fucking trained for it. I looked at Magnus desperately, I couldn't sing like this but I hated that people could think of me like a jerk for not singing a stupid song in a more stupid morning show.

"Alexander?" and I was lost. When Magnus used my whole name like that I could not refuse him…and he freaking knew it. It was just like that time when he had convinced me to let him dress me for a party...or when he had convinced me to stay at his apartment for a night…I still was a little weary about that being that I still had current nightmares and the last thing I wanted was to worry him.

"Which one?" I sighed defeated rolling my eyes at his exited yelp. Of course he wanted me to gain more confidence in my singing, he hated that Jace had to vocalize my songs, so apparently he had made his personal mission to get me to sing in front of people…I had no idea how I felt about that.

"All I need?" at this part of the crew walked in to give us our guitars confirming me that all of this had been an evil plan by my siblings and boyfriend.

"No" I bit my lip, that song made us a crying mess every time we sang it together, I didn't need that in TV "So far away" I sighed thinking that it was the least harmless song. Magnus grinned; he loved that one for two reasons: It had good lyrics –if I said so myself, my lyrics were something I would always be proud of- and that I sang most of it.

"Nice choice my love" said this he began testing the guitar until he gave me the start note and we both began playing. I swallowed closing my eyes and sang.

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
'Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today

After those first notes I decided that it was safe to open my eyes again. I did only to see directly into the crowd, they were silent, listening to the song…listening to my voice. I heard the small devious voice inside my head wanting to convince me that they were like that because I was no good…I tried to shut it down but to no avail so I looked for confidence landing my gaze in Magnus, his eyes were glowing and he had that small smile on his lips. He nodded once like he was telling me that everything was okay, that I was doing good.

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before

I looked at Magnus as he took some air and began backing me up.

Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping

I grinned loving the way our voices sounded together; his was softer and somehow had more energy, while mine was a little deeper and when I was into it –like now- it could be stronger.

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

We hit the last chorus and I was surprised to hear some voices following us, how people could get the lyrics in the first go was a mystery to me, but I wasn't complaining.

Magnus PoV

I watched him beam as I knew he would as the people in the studio cheered for his song. He was red as a cherry but he could not wipe the huge grin of his face as he looked down…oh yes, my Alec was being pushed out of his shell but he was finally beginning to consider helping us out a little so we could get him to see the light. It was nice to see him this happy after weeks of having just a shade of who he was around me.

"That was beautiful!" applauded the hostess clapping her hands "Sadly, our time is up but I assure you, you won't miss these two much! A big round of applause to Magnus Bane and Alexander Lightwood" she stood up and we followed her "And see you tomorrow!" we waved at the camera until a man called CUT! And then we said goodbye to her and before I could blink Alec was out of the stage…should've known, he was probably going to slaughter his siblings. I kissed the woman on her cheek and I hurried to find him, it turned out that I didn't need much looking because he was having a little yelling contest with his sister.

"Are you crazy! How could you do that to me!" he was flustered and was looking at her with pure rage…yeah having him in front of millions of eyes just didn't cut it.

"It was for your own good…you couldn't keep hiding your relationship and this was the best way to get rid of the paparazzi…it's not fair" she refuted looking annoyed as she put her hands on her hips "I know why you've been avoiding me big brother, but sorry this had to be done" and her eyes found mine…just peachy "Magnus, tell him that it was the right thing to do"

"Sorry sugar but even if I tell him, he will still be mad at you" I shrugged and both of them rolled their eyes as Jace made his attempt to calm my boyfriend.

"Chill man, they freaking loved you like I knew they would ever since I asked you to do the bands vocals…just that now you have more gay inspiration to go for and we could bring more emo audience to us" at this Alec punched him in the shoulder…not too hard to bruise but hard enough for Jace to whine "Dude!"

"Not helping!" he turned to Izzy again "Don't ever do something like this again"

"Sure, I don't think I'll need to…"

"Alec!" we all turned at the little voice calling for him. Max. I smiled seeing all the anger vaporize from my boyfriend's face being replaced by pure excitement.

"Max! What are you doing here?" he asked kneeling for the imminent hug the kid gave him. It was always nice to see the little geeky fellow; he always brought a certain shine inside Alec's eyes making them bluer than ever. Of course seeing him meant that Maryse wouldn't be too far away, so I looked around spotting her about five feet from us looking weary like every time she and Alec were in the same room being that Alexander hadn't spoken a word to her since he kicked her out of his room in the hospital.

"Mom brought me, we saw you on TV, it was awesome!" explained Max.

"You see me more on TV and you never get this excited tweeb" mocked Jace ruffling his little brothers hair.

"Because of that exactly, it stopped being exciting the twentieth time I saw you" said the kid putting his hands on his hair and moving away from his brother.

"Did you like the song?" inquired Alec standing up.

"Yes…mom said she would definitely buy your album" at this I saw Alec look up to meet his mother's eyes. Her gaze was unsure and it lacked of the fire I normally saw in her, Alec sighed pressing his lips together.

"That would be great" he spoke in a soft voice "Glad you guys could see us" at this he looked back at his mother giving her a small smile "We have to go, see you later" he hugged his siblings and just as I said goodbye to them I watched him walk to his mother and surprised her by kissing her cheek and whispering something to her. After this he turned around offering me his hand, I walked to take it waving to the woman prior going out of the studio.

"Are you getting ready to forgive your mother?" I asked once we were inside my car traveling to my apartment.

"Not really" he mumbled looking through the window with saddened eyes "But I can learn to live with it…like I do with everything else" he practically whispered that last part making me think that he had probably just thought it out loud so I decided not to say a thing about it.

"It's a start" I raised my shoulders. I knew how he felt; it was hard to forgive a parent that could kick a son like that but she was his mother and she was trying to get him back "I'm proud of you" I was looking up front but I could picture his blush quite perfectly "Thanks"

"For what?" I shrugged.

"For accepting me in front of the world I guess…I know it hasn't been easy, dealing with everything but I think we can get through it and this is a nice step forward" I grinned. These past couple of months had been great. It was like we had a little over time to get to know each other all over again. Yes maybe we hadn't have sex yet, and maybe we wouldn't be having for a while, but I didn't care, I was happy and Alexander seemed to be the same…even after what happened a week ago…

"You're coping with all my shit, it's the least I can do" he said softly making me frown.

"What shit?" I turned to look at him and he was raising his eyebrow giving me an are-you-freaking-dumb? Look.

"Magnus I kept and eye on you for the past years…I know how easily you changed partners…seeing you wait for me…and after what happened the other time" he grimaced looking down and I knew I had to be sincere with him or he wouldn't let things be.

"It does require a lot of cold showers and I know it frustrates you" I sighed "But I'm okay with it…and don't you dare think otherwise" after this we continued in silence, just the low sound of music as our companion. We arrived home and walked out just as a couple of photographers closed on us taking shot after shot, Alec clearly was not in the mood as he promptly shoved past them and inside the building. I raised my eyebrow at his behavior being that normally he at least waved at them. It was odd how we could get used to something like this.

I guessed that being a couple with The Magnus Bane was something to have crazy people following you for.

"Good night guys" I said as I hurried to reach Alec. Once I did I simply looked at him trying to figure out what had changed his mood so drastically, this was nothing like him. Normally the PMSy one was me "Want to talk about what's going on your head?" I decided to ask as I opened the door and we both walked in being greeted by the little white ball I liked to call my cat.

I smiled picking it up. I had never once thought that Alec had been the one that found him, I still remembered that beautiful day that I saw him again, he had been quietly sleeping in my boyfriend's bed like he freaking belonged there…after a whole embarrassing scene where I screamed like a little girl and almost gave the poor cat a heart attack I could finally tell Alec that Chairman Meow was mine…and then he smiled and told me to get him back home 'Either way, we know I will be spending a lot of time there' he had said making me the happiest person alive at that moment.

"Why did you give me that necklace?" he asked getting me out of my memories. I frowned seeing him sitting on my couch with a distant look on his face.

"Because I knew you had it in you…but you just needed a push to be it" he grimaced at this.

"That doesn't make much sense"

"You are brave Alec…that rune was just a little token to give you confidence, nothing more" I sat on the couch turning my body so I could be facing him "What's really troubling you love?" he opened his mouth and then closed it, then he repeated that same process until he apparently got even more frustrated and stood up giving me his back.

"I want to be able to have sex with my boyfriend" he spoke in a strangled voice and I bit my lip remembering last week's events.

He kissed me hard, needy and unsure at the same time. Only Alec could manage such a combination and make me so horny with it. I pushed my hands on his black strands loving the moan he gave me as his hands seized my sides, I was so hard and so happy that we were finally making up like this that I didn't take a second thought to push him to his back and ravish his neck. It was so good to finally feel his body against mine, burning hot and freakishly strong, something I had never associated him with, not until some months ago. We were still clothed so I decided to push my limits snaking my hand inside his shirt feeling his shiver in every inch of his body.

"M-Magnus" he whispered putting his hands on my shoulders…maybe he was right and he didn't need a doctor to see if he was good, maybe he was dealing with things better than we all hoped for.

I was so wrong.

The thing was that I still had my rings and necklaces with me and with one harsh movement I accidentally scratched his abs and two seconds later Alec was standing at the other side of the bed after pushing me like poison and looking like a deer in headlights "S-sorry" he mumbled just before he darted to the bathroom and locked himself for more than an hour.

"It was a mistake…my mistake" I tried to tell him walking to him.

"You don't understand" at this he turned to look at me "I wanted to push you away way before I did, I forced myself to kiss you, to keep doing it thinking that maybe I could outsmart his…ghost" it would be a lie to say that his words didn't hit a cord inside of me but I tried to keep my cool for him, the last think he needed was a whiny boyfriend "I couldn't stand the thought of having you there above me. Every time I close my eyes he is there and I'm tired Magnus…I wish I could be fearless, I wish I could give you all that you give to me but I can't and maybe I never will" said this he picked up his jacket and I shoot up to stand between him and the door.

"Not happening my love"

"I'm not going anywhere…except your room, I'm tired" the end of his mouth curved up as he said this "I might be a pain in the ass but you seem to want to put up with me so I'm not leaving…even if I think you're the biggest idiot there is for taking me…" I laughed at his bluntness…the same crude truth he always loved to tell.

"Don't sugar coat it baby, just tell me what you really think" I joked glad that he didn't want to run away. I moved up my hand asking for his thinking that maybe he was still scared of sex and intimacy, but I really didn't care because I saw the fearless in him grow in every passing minute…he was just too stubborn and shy to notice it.

We walked to my room and chanced to our pajamas and put ourselves to bed. He rested on his side giving me his back, sighing I moved to lay right behind him resting on my elbow as I played with his hair until he relaxed and closed his eyes. I began humming hoping for him to sleep a nightmare free night, I knew that he hadn't stopped dreaming about those monsters and I hated that he kept himself from me like this; I didn't care about his apparent weakness because for me it was strength and courage to face things on his own for the sake of others. Then out of nowhere he opened his eyes and began speaking…telling me everything that had happened that day…he remembered it all, every sensation, every smell, every dreadful detail and he described them to me.

I felt sick.

I felt angry.

"Magnus?" I turned to see him, his eyes were dark and at peace, like he felt better just by telling me the hell he had been through. His hands moved to my face wiping away the tears I didn't even feel dropping. I ducked my head resting it on his shoulders crying for him, hating the kind of people that could do such things to beautiful persons like Alexander "I love you" he whispered making my cries harder, it was the first time he said that to me. Not that I needed to hear it in words after that night but seeing that even after all that he had been through -not just that day, but since his unhappy childhood, since a jerk broke his heart and his parents kicked him out…since a monster raped him- he was still willing to risk his heart even more because of me made me want to make him better even more…to find a way to pay him all the trust he was giving me.

"Things will be better" I said making him look at me in the eye, he seemed so unwilling to believe me that I almost began crying again "I love you" I whispered kissing his temple and closing my eyes knowing tonight I was the one that would have nightmares all night.

Okay after a horrible block this came out…it might be rushed, I might be complete crap but I don't care, it needed to be done xD

What did you think? Liked it? Hated it? Should I go hide away from you?

Please please review and tell me xD

Take care!