How to Seduce a Werewolf

by leelator

First Place Winner "All Time Favorite Wolf Story" JacobBlack-N-Pack Awards 2012. Years have passed since Edward left Bella in the forest. She treats her best friend, Jake, like a beloved pair of old jeans. Jake is NOT happy. When he takes matters into his own hands, Bella realizes she needs to learn how to seduce a werewolf.

15. Chapter 15 Eau de Asshole

Thanks, Thanks, and More Thanks:

There is considerable whining and angst in parts of this chapter (and you know how much I suck at writing whining and angst), so my beta team had to work very hard to pull me out of the muck I created.

Diamondheart, AKA chef diamondheart, was not pleased with the pile o' crap that landed on her desk and really outdid herself by cutting, reorganizing, and offering many fabulous suggestions to improve said pile o' crap. Tewig (author Three's a Crowd www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7113424/1/Threes_a_Crowd) pre-read for me despite her insane schedule, and Gracieblack28 (author of "The Drop In" www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7339021/1/The_Drop_In) very kindly stepped in and did a brilliant job of guest beta'ing. What a help she was! And lastly, the genius who is mybrandofheroin was always there to guide me around all grammar glitches I'd fallen into and offer up just the right suggestions to help me out of any and all thorny issues in the chapter. The title, "Eau de Asshole," was suggested by liljules102481. I thought it was perfect.

Shameless Pimping Section:

Intoxicating by Willow2883 http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6983908/1/Intoxicating (Willow writes fast paced, intriguing stories, and let me tell you, she is a quick updater. She hates writers that take forever to update. Ahem.)

Give and Take by Micah's Moonbeam www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7041896/1/Lost_and_Found (Maya is just wonderful and one of my VERY favorite new authors. I adore all of her work, and you will too.)

I Wasn't Looking for This by bloodofbeckie www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/7709150/1/I_Wasnt_Looking_For_This

(Bex was my first beta and I would never have submitted my story if not for her taking me under her wing and giving me such support. Her new story is hysterical and she actually let me help with the first four chapters.)

All of these authors and my betas have written multiple stories, and I love them all. Check them out if you're looking for a good read.

Official B.S. Here's a big surprise: Stephenie Meyers wrote Twilight and not me.

WARNING: Much of this chapter deals with Paul's sick twist of a mind. He is crude, rude, and socially unacceptable. If his language and actions are going to bother you, please don't read this. He is a nasty boy.

Chapter Notes: Don't you just hate it when you get to a really critical part of a story where you are dying to find out what happens next, and then the damn author switches over to another POV that you don't give a shit about? Umm … well, guess what? I wouldn't do it to you except that you really need to know why what's happening is happening. Won't take too long, I promise.

Previously on How to Seduce a Werewolf: Jake, Bella, Leah, Paul, Embry, Quil, Seth, and three young werewolves know as "the brat pack" are in Milan, Italy working in the modeling industry for a nasty woman, Carmen Bianca Silva. This chapter starts by briefly going back to the group's last night in Milan. The next day, Jake, Bella, Embry, Seth, and Paul are supposed to go to Florence first thing in the morning (everyone else flies back to Forks), but Paul is four hours late. Jake makes him drive to Florence by himself in a tiny car packed with luggage. Paul is not a happy camper.

Meanwhile, Bella accidentally directs the other car with Jake, Embry, and Seth right through the middle of Volterra until she realizes where they actually are. They race out of the town before they are discovered, Bella relates what she knows of the Volturi to the three guys, and they head for Florence hoping they aren't being followed. The first day in Florence, Paul is on a separate assignment— much to everyone else's relief. After an all day photo session, Bella and Jake have a very tasty dinner (read the end of Chapter 14 for more details) until Seth comes charging in the restaurant. It is obvious that some kind of nasty shit has hit the fan.

Chapter 15 "Eau de Asshole"

Paul's POV

Two nights earlier …

"We're going where? You have got to be shitting me!"

"Keep your voice down, Paul, goddamn it. We don't have a fucking choice." Jake could explain all he wanted. Nothing was going to make that shit right. "Look, you guys, I don't care if they want to go to a leper colony. Our new customers want to take us out, so we're going, and we're all gonna act like we're having a wonderful fucking time. Got it?"

"Shit, I'd rather go to a fucking leper colony." Jake slid me a look that shut my mouth.

It was our last night in Milan. Leah, Quil, and the brat pack were flying back to the States in the morning, while the rest of us were driving down to Florence. Naturally, everyone figured we'd have a free night out on the town—until Jake blew up that agenda.

"Wow. This is so cool, you guys. La Scala is the most famous opera house in the world." Everybody turned and stared at Seth as if he had squirrels fucking on top of his head. "What? What'd I say?" Jesus, the poor kid was clueless.

Jake just grinned and gave him a swat on the shoulder. "Okay, we have thirty minutes before we've got to meet them in the lobby. Everybody put on a suit, and don't be late."

What. The. Fuck? Jake couldn't be serious. Christ, I had a reputation to maintain. What if this shit goes public, and somebody at home finds out I went to a frigging opera? With Embry and Quil's big mouths involved, it was just a matter of time. My only out was to disappear fast before Jake got hold of me.

An hour later, my ass (along with every other dumb schmuck in the pack) was sitting in La Scala listening to a goddamned opera. My plan to go AWOL had failed miserably. I found out the hard way that cocksucker had eyes in the back of his fucking skull.

As soon as I sat down and stared at the glitzy surroundings, I realized that Jake, Bella, and Leah had spread themselves around so they could make sure nobody made a run for it during the multi-hour torture session. They stuck me right next to the wall so that I would have to crawl over the lot of them to escape. And if I actually made it by Jake, Leah sat beside the stairs like a fucking guard dog. Nobody was going to get past her nasty ass.

Meanwhile, Chief Big Dick had plopped his butt down right in the middle of the brat pack. Anyone misbehaving within his reach got a kick or a poke to the gut when they least expected it. Jesus H. Christ. All Jake needed was a black habit and a fucking ruler.

The whole endless fiasco was fucking awful. There wasn't an unattached hot babe in the entire joint, while down on stage, some fat broad was screeching as if her life depended on it. Shit, maybe it did. She seemed to have pissed off everybody in the cast. No wonder the damned thing was called Carmen.

Seth sat next to me and was the only one of us totally absorbed in what was taking place on stage. If somebody gave him a giant tub of buttered popcorn and a milkshake, he'd have been happier than a pig in shit.

When my eyes traveled down the row, I caught Jake and Bella exchanging a sappy stare, and I barfed in the back of my throat. Fuck, couldn't they keep that shit under wraps and sit five feet away from each other for a couple of hours without going into heat? Nobody wanted to watch them goop over each other—least of all me.

Jesus, they were so disgustingly in love they really made me want to hurl. Nothing—nothing—turned up my puke-o-meter like thinking about the Asshole and the Frigid Swan. It had been bad enough when they were just "best friends." Yeah, right. I couldn't believe anybody was stupid enough to fall for that load of crap, even Bella. And the way the two of them acted when he was in wolf form—Christ, the first time I saw that, I did hurl.

I wasn't jealous, not really. Oh, for fuck's sake, who was I trying to kid? I was so damn jealous I couldn't see straight. It wasn't that I wanted Bella. Well, yeah, maybe I did. How could I help it with the Alpha Asshole constantly in my brain? But what chapped my butt was watching the two of them together and having their goddamned relationship flung in my face 24/7.

At first, I just found them amazingly annoying and could have given a rat's ass about either one of them as long as they stayed out of my way. But, as time went on, they really started to bug the shit out of me. Emily and Sam, Kim and Jared, Quil and Claire were all crazy about each other. Big fucking deal. None of them had a real relationship. Shit, they didn't even have to work at it—it was just handed to them on a platter with mystical sprinkles on top. And who knew what would happen if the imprinting ever broke?

But Jake and Bella were different. There was no wolfy magic involved between the two of them, no fucking imprinting. They liked each other; they were BFF's—who obviously couldn't wait to tear each other's clothes off. As much as I ridiculed their relationship to their faces, behind their backs, I … envied it. Goddamn it all, why couldn't I have somebody like that … a nice girl who wanted to spend time with me out of bed as well as in it?

Women treated me as if I was a piece of fuckmeat—but none of them actually liked me. Hell, they didn't even know me—they were never around long enough; I made sure of that. I wanted to choose somebody, and I wanted that same somebody to choose me—not for my face or my body, and not because of fucking imprinting, but for me … because she liked me and because she thought I was a good person.

Take how Bella looked at Jake—as if he was Jesus Christ, Einstein, and fucking James Bond all rolled into one. What was wrong with me? Why was she in love with that son of a bitch, and she wouldn't even give me the time of day? I watched as they stared at each other down the aisle. Jesus, they looked like they were going to start crawling over half the row just so they could hold fucking hands.

Since escape was impossible, I did the next best thing. Slumping down in my seat, my head fell back, my mouth fell open, and, after a while, I let a few snores rip. Of course, no one could actually sleep during all that god-awful screeching, but at least I didn't have to see them, plus pissing off Jake was real gravy. It didn't take long before I got a sharp kick from Seth with a hissed warning from Jacob. I resolved that real soon (like immediately) I was going on a poon hunt to rival the orgies of Ancient Rome—whatever it took to liquidate the image of them from my mind.

Twenty-four hours later, I was sitting at a bar in Florence even more pissed than I'd been the night before.

Yeah, I'd benefited from the major fuck fest I'd had after sitting through that nightmare at the damn opera, and, for a few hours, I'd felt a little better about things. But the next morning, the shit had hit the fan with Jake, and I'd been shipped off to Florence—alone. As I sat at the bar, my mood wasn't improving with the tequila I was downing. Of course, none of my so-called friends and pack mates checked to see if I'd made it to the city alive, and they'd quit answering my calls earlier in the day. Fuck each and every one of the no good cocksuckers.

"Another double, signore?" The bartender slid me a glance from under her eyelashes. I knew what she had in mind. What I didn't understand was why I didn't give a shit. All I could think of was that son of a bitch, Jacob Ephraim Black, and how bad I wanted to eat his fucking liver.

I held up three fingers and then grunted when I received a triple instead of the three doubles I thought I was ordering. Shit, when are we going to get out of this fucking foreign country and go home? Not that things were all that peachy back in the States, but at least the fucking bartenders could understand you when you cussed them out.

"Signore?" The chick looked at me with wide, liquid eyes.

"Two more. Get it? Due more drinkos?" Her stabbing stare just made my prickometer shoot into overdrive. The drinks were slammed down in front of me, and tequila sloshed down the sides of the glasses. "Thanks a lot, bitch." She stalked off to the other end of the bar where she totally ignored me. Obviously, that was the last thing I was getting from her ass. "Fucking cunt."

God, Paul, what is your problem? Yeah, I could be a class A dick, but usually I acted civilized around willing women. I was too pissed off to even give a shit that I was alienating the free pussy in front of me. Who cared? What was one more piece of ass anyway?

Christ, things were getting bad when I didn't care about trim—even for a night.

Goddamn it, all of this is his fucking fault. Because of him I'd been lost, alone, and thoroughly pissed off all day. I couldn't believe he'd banished my butt, forcing me into that packed sardine can of a car so I could schlep Bella's goddamned luggage to Florence. And all because I was a few minutes late for the Swan Princess's stupid ass driving tour.

"Of course, nothing better fucking interfere with that." I didn't realize I was muttering out loud until the three assholes sitting close by gave me a sideways look and then moved to the other side of the bar.

"What's the matter? You little bitches scared?" My glare should have drilled a hole in their backs as they walked away. "Fucking pussies." I didn't even get a flinch out of them. Goddamn it. A really good bar fight would have felt fan-fucking-tastic, but, like everybody else in Italy, they were avoiding me like the goddamn plague.

"Hey, sweet pea! Over here!" I barked out to the bar bitch who pretended she didn't hear. Fuck it. Throwing down some euros, I stalked out the door and went back to the hotel before I really turned nasty.

After I wrangled a bottle of tequila and a case of wine from the bartender at the inn, the concierge arranged for an ass load of Patron to be delivered to my room the next day. Still no call from anybody. Pissed off and bummed out, I ordered room service, drank everything in sight, and, in no time, I was dead to the world.

Several hours must have passed. I became conscious enough to wonder whether it was day or night and what hotel and city I was in. When I sleepily realized my hand was touching someone's long, silky hair, I didn't question it further—I just rolled over and spooned into the hot body next to me. That was kinda weird; she had pajama pants on. Those needed to go. I slipped my hand under the elastic band of her flannels and rubbed my fingers over the smooth skin of her hip as I reached for the Promised Land.

But the Promised Land was not what I touched.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" I roared at the top of my lungs.

"Jesus H. Christ!" A simultaneous screech came from whoever the hell I'd just violated.

I shot out of bed like my ass was on fire, knocking over the bedside table and all its contents. On the other side, the guy whose junk I'd just felt leaped up and immediately smashed into an armchair, almost sending it through the wall.

"Wha'? Wha'?" came a sluggish voice over by the sofa. Goddamn it, evidently there was another motherfucker sleeping in my space. I could hear him stumbling around, and then a huge crash came from his side of the room. "Shit!" That woke him up for good. "What the hell's going on?" I knew who that was.

"Embry? What in the ever loving fuck are you doing here?" I took a whiff of air. "Jesus Fucking Christ, Seth! Is that you? What were you doing in my goddamn bed?" I couldn't help bellowing.

Seconds later, the chain fastener tore off its foundation and went flying as the door slammed open. There stood Jake in his boxers, silhouetted by the hall light.

"What the fuck is going on?" He hit the light switches so we could finally see what was happening.

Seth was face planted on the floor with his legs twisted in the chair he'd battled with and lost. On the other side of the room, Embry was sitting in a pile of shit that, seconds earlier, used to be my coffee table.

"Is somebody trying to break in?" Jake's voice demanded an answer quick.

"Not unless you count these two motherfuckers. I didn't know my goddamn bedroom was going to be invaded in the middle of the night by Sleeping Beauty and Snow White here."

Jacob looked like he was still ready to murder somebody, and we were the only candidates around. "So you idiots try to destroy the entire fucking place? What the hell is wrong with you guys?"

"Don't bitch at me, asshole! How would you like it if you rolled over in the middle of the night thinking you were next to Bella, and it turned out to be a Bill? What the fuck, Seth?"

"I don't know why you're the one screaming, man. You just grabbed my goods while I was sleeping. I'm gonna have nightmares for months!" Seth was as upset as I'd ever seen him. Hell, he wasn't the only one. Getting a fistful of schlong when you were expecting sweet little pussy had to be one of the most disturbing experiences of my life.

"Fuck! I gotta wash my hands." As I headed for the bathroom, Embry started to snigger. "Shut the fuck up, Call. If anybody finds out about this, I'm gonna kick your ass until it looks like a crate of mashed tomatoes."

Embry gave me a cheeky wink. "Well, I've got one sweet ass, cutie, but as long as you can keep your hands off it, we're golden."

"You son of a—"

"Jesus, Paul, can it. You guys made a big enough mess without starting another fight. Not only did you give Bella and me a heart attack, you probably woke up half the hotel. I just hope they don't throw us out on our ass at two fucking o'clock in the morning."

"These two pricks are gone, Jake. I don't care if they sleep in the fucking street. Nobody's spending the night in here but me, goddamn it."

"Yeah, right. We've got two rooms between the five of us, so you can just deal with it, asshole. Embry, stay here with lover boy. You aren't getting anywhere near Bella when she's in bed. Seth, come to our room after you get your stuff together." A smirk started to creep over Jake's face. "I don't want Paul here to get all excited in the middle of the night and start putting moves on you again."

"Fuck you, you cocksucker!"

I washed my hands in the hottest water I could stand, and then, still shuddering a little, washed them again. The guys' voices in the other room—my room—had turned casual and friendly. Naturally. Everybody got along with the Alpha Asshole except me. Fuck, everybody loved the son of a bitch except me. Cranking the faucet handles all the way open, I stuck my head under the water, to clear my brain and to drown out the happy-happy-bro-bro bullshit going on in the next room.

I was sick of being ignored, I was sick of being pissed on and pissed off, and I was really sick of my almighty fucking alpha. I'd had it up to my eyeballs with that fucking son of a bitch telling me what to fucking do all the time. Then if I didn't toe his line, I got my knuckles rapped like a six-year old.

Authority figures and I had never gotten along—ever. Hell, I never had an authority figure until Sam came along. My mother didn't give a rat's ass what I did. She found alcohol much more interesting than me. Always had. And I basically had a nodding acquaintance with the piece of shit who was my father. As long as they stayed out of my way then I stayed out of theirs. Suited everybody just fine.

Then I phased, and all hell broke loose. But, after a rough start, I pretty quickly learned to accept Sam and the whole pack mentality. Not like I had a choice or anything. But for the first time in my miserable, fucked up existence, I counted for something. I had a family—brothers and sisters who cared about me, who expected me to be around for meals and holidays and shit. That had never happened before.

Then HE joined the pack, leapfrogged my ass, and instantly climbed to the top of the wolf pile to become Sam's BFF. Sam could still have been alpha, but no-o. He just turned everything over to Jacob Fucking Black. Having somebody younger than me telling me what to do was bad enough, but what really burned my bacon was that there was not one thing I could do about it. Goddamn it!

I grabbed the soap and scrubbed even harder at my hands.

Seth's POV

Our first night in Florence had been … interesting, to say the least, but I expected things would be a little calmer on night two. For one thing, Paul wouldn't be sticking his hands down my pjs while I was sleeping. At least I hoped not.

He had been pretty foul since we got to Italy, but things really went south when Paul got stuck driving solo to Florence. Dang, what did he expect? Embry pointed out to him he couldn't blame anybody but himself. After all, nobody made him show up four hours late for our departure from Milan. Paul responded by cordially inviting Embry to fuck off, and his mood went downhill from there.

The whole deal the night before with Embry and me sneaking into his room so we could get some sleep didn't help matters. I was sorry he didn't know we were in there, but it hadn't been a great experience for me either. Holy Crow, I was probably permanently scarred after that incident.

After our first day of work, Jake and Bella decided they were going out to eat, and, as he stood behind her, Jake silently signaled for us to get lost or else. Embry and I called Paul and asked him to go to dinner with us. Evidently, he was still cheesed off because he said he'd rather stay in his room and get hammered than see our stupid asses. I looked at Embry and shook my head while Embry rolled his eyes.

We grabbed a quick bite, and then Embry suggested that the two of us hit a few nightclubs and check out the girls, but I thought we ought to see if Paul changed his mind and wanted to come along. I guess I was a little worried about him sitting in his room all by himself trying to get drunk. That just wasn't normal—even for Paul.

"Fuck, I don't know why you want the grumpy asshole to go with us anyway, Seth. In the mood he's in, he'll just sulk all night and try to snake any good looking chicks we find." Embry thought for a moment and then gave me a sour look. "Hell, he does that when he's not pissed. No telling what kind of shit he'll pull tonight."

"Aw, come on, Em. You know he'll be fine once we get him out. We just need to keep his mind off whatever his deal is with Jake. I don't understand why he's still so mad, do you?"

"Please—shoot me in the head the minute I understand the way that sick prick thinks," Embry muttered as he dialed Paul's number. When nobody picked up, I convinced Em we should stop by and check on him.

There was no answer when we knocked at Paul's room, but we knew he was there—we could hear him moving around. Embry pounded on the door impatiently. Finally, the knob turned and a glassy red eye stared at us through a narrow slit. "Let us in, man," Embry said as he pushed his way past Paul with me close on his heels. Our host stood there glaring at us, holding a nearly empty tequila bottle in his hand, wearing stained boxers and a food splattered undershirt. He didn't smell any better than he looked.

"What the fuck are you doing, dude?" Embry asked as we surveyed the trash heap around us. Nasty looking take-out containers, dirty room service dishes, and empty wine and liquor bottles littered every surface, an explosion of clothes and wet towels were in haphazard piles on the floor, while the furniture we'd knocked over last night was still strewn around the room. Next to his bed sat a stockpile of tequila big enough to send the entire population of Forks on a three-day bender.

"Seein' if werewolves can get drunk if they try hard 'nough."

Well, at least Paul was doing something productive.

"So how's that working out for ya?" Embry nodded at the jug of Patrón and then wrinkled up his nose as Paul took a swig. "Damn, man, you stink. You been rolling around in that shit or something?"

"Shut y'r cumdump." Paul slid Embry a vicious look as he polished off the last of the liquor and licked his lips. "I figgir' after 'nother couple a these, I'll be feelin' no pain."

Holy Moly. My plan for taking him to a nightclub flew right out the window. In the mood he was in, Paul could incite a knife fight in the middle of a senior citizen prayer circle. Getting him even close to a bar was a recipe for disaster. What he needed was a nice, safe distraction that would keep his mind off his beef with Jake and his mouth away from his endless supply of alcohol.

"Dang, I'm still hungry. You guys? Hey, Paul, why don't we order some room service?" I just ate dinner, but I could always go for seconds, and it was possible that a meal might dramatically improve Paul's condition. Of course, we would have to rearrange Paul's garbage piles someway so there was a workable eating surface. From looking at the contents of the room, it seemed possible that Paul had eaten his way through every take-out place in Italy.

"I don' want any fuggin' food. I just want some more fuggin' tequila." He put a new bottle to his lips and took a deep swig. Jeeze Louise, when Paul couldn't pronounce "fucking" right, there was something seriously wrong. It was the main staple of his vocabulary. I picked up the remote control and turned on the T.V. Maybe I could come across a movie to occupy him for a while. If I found the Playboy Channel, I knew he would—

"Turn off the fuggin' tel'vision, kid. I'm not lis'enin' ta any more 'Talian shit for another minute."

So much for that brilliant idea, I thought as I hastily clicked off the T.V. No point in deliberately pushing his buttons. Paul was in a bad way if he wasn't interested in watching porn of any nationality.

While Embry fumbled for a topic, I looked around and wondered if Paul managed to create his impressive pigsty of a room all by himself. The guy wasn't Mrs. Neatnik on his best day, but it was gross even by his standards. "Dang, buddy, was there a party we missed? What's been going on in here? Did the maids forget you or something?" The answer to my question was a loud crash as Paul's empty half gallon was hurled towards a trashcan. It missed, shattering when it collided with the wall, sending the last remnants of tequila dripping down the wallpaper. Nice.

"I don' wan' anybody in my room messin' with my shit." Paul threw himself down on the bed and glared at us suspiciously as he guzzled from his bottle.

"Huh?" Embry and I glanced at each other. Jeeze, was he trying to imply we wanted to paw through his stuff?

"I know wha' I know." Paul gave us an interrogating stare worthy of Charlie Swan—and then ruined it by belching. Holy Smokes, was this what alcohol did to us? Maybe it was best we couldn't get drunk without tenacious determination.

"Are you trying to accuse us of something, you whacked out mother fucker?" Embry waved a hand in front of his face, trying to fend off the fumes of Paul's breath. "Dude, you come in contact with so many crotch critters on a daily basis you should have an STD zoo running around in your drawers. Do you actually think we'd touch your shit with a ten foot pole?"

"Yeah, that's righ'. You two an' the Alpha Asshole are so above it all, aren' you? Lil' Sethy here's too sweet ta get laid, and Mr. Perfection can't lo-ower himself to such crass behavior, but you'd fugg anythin' that moves if anybody'd have ya. 'Specially the Ice Swan. Hell, all three a ya would tap that a' the same time if ya got half a chance. But the Golden One would ne'r 'llow it, would he? Fuggin' saint!"

"Jesus, Paul, what is wrong with you? Do you still have a stick up your twat over that stupid car thing? Get over it, asshole, and move on, for Christ's sake! " Maybe Embry could have phrased it a little more diplomatically, but dang, he was right. Paul had been a major butt hole about his trip for long enough.

"I'm fuggin' sick of our great and mighty Alpha tellin' all us looowly peons wha' ta do 24/7 and then pun-i-shin' us like we're two year ol's if we don' toe his line."

"Well, then quit acting like one and grow the fuck up. Jake didn't do anything you didn't deserve, man," Embry said. "He could have sent your slack ass home with Leah and the other babies, but instead he treated you like an adult, and here you are still whining about it."

"Sure, pansy ass. Just keep goin'. Your fuggin' nose is shoved so far up his corn hole ya can't smell his shit. Everybody treats him like his shit don' stink. Hell, maybe it don'! He's had ever'thing handed ta him ona sil'er, uh, sivler platter."

The color rose in Embry's face and I could tell he was really getting pissed. We were headed for serious trouble; Jake always said Embry couldn't keep his trap shut if his nuts depended on it, while the flimsy filter between Paul's brain and his mouth was currently drowning in Patrón. I broke in before Embry could deck him. Bad enough we had tequila dripping down the wallpaper. We didn't need to add holes to the sheetrock as well. Jake would kill us.

"Paul, that's crap, man, and you know it. Jake's had a rough life—rougher than yours," I said. "At least your mom's alive, and you didn't have to take care of a crippled father since you were nine." Sure, Paul had a tough time growing up, but say what you want, he did have two healthy parents. They were pretty worthless, but they were able to walk around. Neither of Jake's could.

"Don' feed me that bullshit. Billy's a great guy. Who wou'dn't want a dad like him? An' he's th' only reason Jake is Alpha—becazza who his daddy an' his great granddaddy is—are—is. Jake didn' do jack shit ta earn it."

Paul hit a raw nerve with me, and I knew this stuff was going right up Embry's back as well. "You're out of your mind, Paul," I said. "You know Jake's the best of all of us. He's the biggest, the strongest, and the smartest. He thinks of us first, and he'd sacrifice everything for any one of us. Can you say that?"

"Thinksa us firs'? Jesus, kid, where'd ya get that idea? Jake thinksa Bella first. We're waaay down the pecking order. An' he hadn' even imprinted. Now, how's that fuggin' fair? He ges it all, doesn' he? He ges ta choose the girl—whatever girl he wan's—he ges ta be Alpha, he ges the perfect family—the whole nine yards. And what da the rest o' us get?"

"Damn, Paul, you know as well as everybody else that Jake's been pining after Bella for years," Embry said. "If he gets her, it's because he's worked at it non stop since that dead prick left her to rot."

"'If he ges her?' What planet are you on? They can barely keep their hands offa each other. Ha' you seen the way she looks ahim? I thought she was lially-uh, li'erlly-eh, jus' gonna crawl over eight bodies ta get ta him the other night when they din' sit next ta each other. S' fuggin' disgustin'." Paul belched again. The gassy smell wafted over to Embry and me. Talk about disgusting.

"Is that what this is all about? You're jealous of Jake because of Bella?" Embry seemed incredulous; it never occurred to him that Paul might be envious of Jake and Bella's relationship.

"I am not fuggin' jealous!"

"Yeah, right, buddy. So that's what your problem is."

"Fugg' off, Embry. Why don' you take little Sethy here, an' go pick up some Italian girl scouts or maybe some lil' preschooler like your bes' friend, Quil."

"Jesus H. Christ. Don't know when to stop, you shithook? You just have to cross every fucking line there is. No wonder Jake doesn't want you to know about the Volturi."

Oh.

My.

Holy.

God.

For a moment, time seemed to stop as my heart quit beating, and I forgot to breathe. Then my throat made some kind of weird gobbling noise as I tried to inhale. Paul's eyes immediately cut to me. I did my best to appear normal as all color drained from my face, and I fought for air like a dying guppy.

There was—no—freaking—way—Embry just said what he said. Nobody had filled Paul in on what happened in Voltura. Jake hadn't seen Paul to tell him. And no, Jake didn't order us not to say anything to Paul; he would find out soon enough. But filling him in about a bunch of aristocratic leeches living a few miles down the road was an iffy proposition when he wasn't acting like a half drunk psychopath. In his present mood and condition, mentioning the Volturi without Jake around was the act of a birdbrained lunatic—in other words, the act of Big Yap Embry Call. Shit! We were so totally screwed.

I made a desperate attempt at damage control. "Er, we really need to get going, Embry. Come on, man." Trying to appear casual, I tugged Embry towards the door while Paul rolled off the bed and stood up.

"Wha' are you talkin' about, Call? Wha' doesn' Jake want me ta know? The Vul-wha'?"

"Um, Embry, maybe this isn't the time." I was pretty sure panic was leaking into my voice, but holy crap, didn't Embry realize what he was about to bring down on our heads? Paul stared at us with narrowed eyes.

"Shut it, kid. You let Embry explain wha' the almighty Alpha doesn' wan' me ta find out."

"The Volturi, dude. Haven't you ever heard of them?"

Could I just clamp my hand over Embry's huge pie hole and drag him out of the room? It seemed like the only way he was going to stop running his mouth.

"The Volturi? Whas that, Italian pussy? Or is it some kind a singing monk group or somethin'? Jesus, Call."

I gave a strained excuse for a laugh. "Yeah, yeah, you're right, Paul. They're a bunch of monks. Not your kind of thing at all. Come on, Em. We really need to go." I desperately tried to pull him close to the exit, but he wasn't moving. Embry was on a roll and nobody was going to stop him.

"No, you dumb schmuck. They are not some kind of singing order. They are the—"

"Embry! Don't do it, man! We gotta leave—right now!" Despite the fact that either one of them could kick my butt three ways to Sunday, I was going to do everything possible to stop what was happening, but it was like trying to hold back a tsunami with my bare hands. I grabbed Embry's arm and yanked him to the door as hard as I could. He stumbled a couple of feet and then shook me off as Paul approached us.

"Shut the fuck up, Seth, an' leave him alone. Let Embry here fill me in on what's goin' on—if he's got the balls."

"God, you are such a fucking prick. I'll tell you what happened yesterday, and maybe you'll quit acting like such a whiney assed little bitch."

"Embry!" I tried everything else. The only option left was to threaten him. "Jake's gonna—" Suddenly, Paul slammed me against a wall.

"Don't say it, punk. If you haven't figured it out by now, I don't give a flyin' fuck what Jake's gonna do. Better be worried about what I'm gonna do." I raised my hands in surrender. That was it—I just lost. I did everything I could think of. They outranked and out-muscled me. There was no way I was going to keep Embry from running his trap.

"Spill, Call. I wanna hear what our great Alpha won't say. Aren' we supposed to be brothers? Don' we share everythin' in the pack? All but Jake, a course. He doesn' share jack shit except what he decides we should know."

"Jesus, Paul, Jake and Seth are right. You are too stupid and too fucking immature to be told anything important."

Paul grabbed Embry by the neck and started squeezing. "Spit it out, Call. Right the fuck now!"

I sighed in disgust. All of Paul's He-Man crap was completely unnecessary. Embry had such a big mouth there was no way he was going to be able to keep it to himself anyway. "Let go of me, and I'll tell you, you dumb prick."

Reluctantly, Paul turned him loose, and Embry stared back, shaking his head. "You are such a fuck up, Paul. And you're so goddamned jealous of Jake you can't see straight."

"I am not fuckin' jealous of that goddamned asshole!"

"Uh huh, right. You can't even say his name without going postal."

"Fuck Jake and everything about him. Tell me what the hell is going on, goddamn it, before I break every tooth in your motherfuckin' head!"

"Alright, asshole, here's what they don't want you to know. Yesterday, we drove right through the home base of the bloodsucker high elite in Volterra, Italy. There's a mob of them—some kinda ruling group—just a few klicks away, probably dining on unsuspecting tourists even as we speak."

Well, great. That was just crap-tastic. He did it. Embry finally opened Pandora's box, and I didn't know if there was a way we would ever be able to get the lid back on again.

"What?" Paul looked dumbfounded. "What in the fuck are you talkin' about, Embry?"

"I'm not kidding you, man. I swear to God, Bella totally freaked when she realized where we were. Leeches—royal leeches have taken over some little bumfuck town called Volterra that's just about fifty miles away. I shit you not."

"You seriously expecting me to believe that load of crap?"

"I don't give a fuck if you believe me or not, dude. But I'm telling you there are fucking vampires an hour from here. I swear on my grandma's grave." Paul looked at me for confirmation. I wasn't about to open my mouth and get my butt in a sling, but neither was I able to lie convincingly to Paul. He could read the truth of the situation on my face, and he looked stunned speechless.

"Holy fuck. You're not shittin' me, are you? Fuckin' king corpse suckers just a few miles away sittin' dead smack in the middle of Italy. Now, how do you like that?" Paul seemed staggered.

I hoped he stayed that way, but it didn't last long. "Jesus H. Christ. Right down the road, you say? Well, damn, let's go check it out. I'm outta here. Gotta see this shit for myself!"

"What? No, man! Bro, you can't go there!" Maybe it finally dawned on Embry what he just unleashed, but it was way too late. Paul was halfway dressed and headed out the door. "Paul, I'm telling you, you can't go. We're not talking a couple of leeches here. We're talking forty, fifty, shit, I don't know, there could be hundreds of them. What are you going to do? Rush in there and kill them all by yourself?"

"Hell, no! You're coming with me as soon as I find my fucking keys." Paul was cussing up a storm as he hopped into the bathroom, one leg in his blue jeans as he continued his search. Embry turned to me, horrified.

My mind was churning a million miles a minute. The only person that could rein Paul in was Jake. Paul outranked us and could tell us what to do, but his ass would be grass once Jake got a hold of it.

"Embry, I'll go find Jake, but I gotta get out of here before Paul orders me with you."

"Okay, kid. I'll try to slow him down, but you better hurry. Make sure Jake calls him as soon as you explain what's going on."

I didn't know which one of us I wanted to be less—Embry for having to go with Paul's half drunk ass to face a hoard of super vampires, or me having to tell Jake how bad the three of us had screwed up.

Yes, I did. Pissed was such a totally inadequate word to describe Jake's coming reaction. I'd much rather face a thousand super vamps.

Neither Jake nor Bella were answering their phones. I'd called their new hotel, but the front desk said they hadn't checked in yet. My only option was to track them, so I ran to the spot where Embry and I left them for dinner and started following Jacob's scent. In just a few minutes, I was staring at Jake across a restaurant, and he instantly knew some kind of major league disaster was going down.

I ran across the restaurant and just blurted it out when I got to their table. "Jake, you gotta come quick. Paul found out about the Volturi, and he wants to go see them for himself. He forced Embry to go as well. And Jake, he's seriously trashed, dude. Well, as trashed as we can get. He's been downing tequila like water all afternoon, and he's … he's Paul … but on crack or something."

Fury flooded Jake's face. I knew he wouldn't phase in public, but he looked pretty damn close. "You have got to be fucking kidding me! That stupid son of a bitch. Goddamn it!" Jake grabbed his phone and tried calling both of them, but Paul had circumvented that avenue of attack. Neither he nor Embry answered. We both knew if Embry wasn't picking up it was because Paul wouldn't let him. "Okay, Seth. How long's it been since you left them? Were they going to phase and run, or were they going to take a car?"

"Everything happened about twenty minutes ago. They were definitely going to drive. Paul was getting dressed, and he was looking for his car keys. He wasn't so wasted that he'd phase and let you alpha order him."

"Fuck it! Okay. At least if they're in a car, the goddamn leeches can't follow their trail back to the hotel. I'm going to grab the new car I rented and go after them."

Jake looked at Bella for a few seconds and then gave me a piercing stare. "Seth, I don't want you leaving Bella's side for a minute. Not—for—a—minute." He focused on me with such intensity I felt the weight of the world had just been dumped on my shoulders.

"I'm entrusting her life in your hands, Seth. If we're not back by morning, I want you both to get the fuck out of here. Rent a car, start driving, and then fly. Mix it up, but always use cash. Take a bunch out before you leave Florence because once you set off, no more credit cards. Don't go home directly. Go anywhere, everywhere, and after you're sure you've lost them, head for a few more places. You got it?"

I nodded numbly as he turned to Bella. She looked like she was doing everything she could to keep from completely freaking out. "Honey, now don't you worry." Jeeze, his reassuring tone made me feel better, and I knew just how deep a crap pile we were in. "Paul's an idiot, but he's not going to start anything. Embry will keep him from running crazy."

"Jake, take Seth. You need him. I'm fine by myself, but if something does happen in Volterra, you've got to have every wolf with you." She was desperately trying to act brave, but I could tell she was scared to death.

"No, baby. Seth is going to keep you safe so I can think straight. If you were by yourself, I'd lose my mind. Please don't fight me on this, okay? Just stay here, sweetheart."

They got up, and Bella wrapped her arms around Jake like she wasn't letting him go. "You swear to me you'll be careful, Jake. Promise me!"

"I swear, Bells. Now, quit worrying. I'll find them before they even get there." He hugged her so tight I thought her bones might start to crack, but she didn't seem to mind. With a swift kiss on her lips, Jake was gone.

When I turned to look at Bella, the scared girl who was about to faint had disappeared, and in her place was a woman with a clenched jaw that looked like it was made out of iron.

"We're going after them, Seth. Right fucking now."

Holy shit. I was so screwed.

Bella's POV

"Bella, we can't! We absolutely cannot follow them. Jake gave me an alpha order to wait in Florence," Seth said.

"No, he didn't. He gave you an alpha order to stay with me, and since I'll be in Volterra, you will too."

"Please, Bella. Jake told you not to leave. You know he did."

"I don't take commands from Jake, Seth, so it really doesn't matter what he said. He's forced you to be my baby sitter, so you better move it if you're planning to keep up with me."

"Listen, there's no good reason for you to do this. It's crazy. You're gonna get hurt and distract Jake. How is that doing anything but making things worse?"

"You're right, Seth. I don't need to leave because I can't fight vampires." Damn it, how I wished that for once I could be a help instead of a hindrance. "But you can, so we're out of here. You don't want me to tag along? Fine. Take off and join your brothers."

"You know I can't do that. You know as well as anybody that I'm physically unable to disobey an alpha order."

"Well, then it looks like I'm along for the ride."

"Bella—"

"Stop it. Just quit, Seth. Do you think that I'm about to sit here and casually sip on a cappuccino instead of doing something that could save him? Do you think I could forgive myself if something happened … knowing that I could have helped, and I was too scared to do it? Do you think I'd even want to live without Jacob? They need you, so you're damn well going to Volterra. I'll do anything—and I mean anything to keep Jake safe. And if that means he's mad at the two of us for the next ten years, then that's the way it goes."

Seth's sweet face wavered back and forth. In spite of Jake's orders, he wanted in on the fight just as badly as I did. I probably should've felt guilty for putting him in this position, but I was too frantic about Jacob to worry about Seth's feelings. "We're taking a cab back to the hotel, and then we're driving the Punto over there regardless of what you say. You'll have to hurt me if you try to make me stay in Florence. How do you think Jake will feel about that?"

"He'd probably be a whole lot happier than if you show up in Volterra."

"Quit wasting time trying to make an argument you aren't going to win, and let's get out of here."

Back in our old room, I frantically searched for the keys to the Punto with no success. Obviously, Jake had them with him. Seth seemed relieved for a moment until I told him what we were doing next.

"There's no time to rent something else. Unless we break into the Punto, or steal a car, the only option is to beg one of the employees to let us have one of theirs." Since neither of us knew how to pull off a carjacking, we ran down to the front desk clerk. Luckily, we were traveling with a pretty good stash of cash, so ten minutes later, we raced to the staff parking lot with the hotel's dishwasher as he showed us the Vespa and sidecar we'd just purchased.

I handed Seth one of the silly looking half helmets that came with the scooter and stuck the other on my own head. "Okay, Seth, put it on and hop in."

Appalled, he stared at the helmet as if it might pee on him. "I can't wear that salad bowl, Bella. The guys would never let me hear the end of it."

I rolled my eyes as I clambered onto the Vespa. "For God's sake, quit arguing and hurry up!"

Seth looked skeptically at the sidecar. "Maybe I should drive. I don't see how I'm gonna fit in this cart thing anyway."

"You're wasting time we don't have! Just get in! I'm driving because I know how to drive a motorcycle, and you don't."

Seth tried to stick his leg in the cart. About half of it went in, and he gave me a frightened look. The dishwasher said he carried his nonna to confession in the sidecar. Obviously, she was a couple feet shorter than Seth; he was way too tall to be able to cram everything in the little compartment.

"Sit your butt down, and bend your legs up, Seth. Come on!" He gave it a try, but it wasn't happening; the seat just wasn't big enough for him to squat on it like an enormous praying mantis. With a pained expression, he finally let his legs flop over the top of the cart and clutched at the handles of the sidecar, the little half helmet dangling from his fingers.

He was barely settled when I floored the accelerator, and we flew down the narrow, uneven alley. Seth's job was to get us through the confusing maze of Florence, and I frantically prayed his phone navigation system was working. If it was, he was going to have to decipher all the twists and turns of the city in Italian as he simultaneously tried to keep from bouncing out of the sidecar. It wasn't going to be easy. If he couldn't get the nav system working, we were seriously screwed.

" 'Ake a righ', 'Ella," I could hear Seth saying something over the annoyingly loud whine of the Vespa's engine, but I couldn't make it out. "'Ight, Bella!" I swiveled my head to look at him. "Right! Right! RIGHT!"

I made a hard turn and clipped the narrow sidewalk. Unfortunately, I wasn't use to making allowances for the sidecar, and it banged hard against an old building.

"Shit! Look out!" Seth jerked up his legs so they didn't get lopped off at the knees, then he grabbed onto my seat and practically climbed onto my lap. "Jeeze, Bella! Are you trying to bisect me?" The weight shift caused us to make a crazy lurch to the left. I barely missed three horrified pedestrians who leaped out of the way in the nick of time.

"Damn it, sit still! You can't shift your weight around like that, or you're going to make us crash."

"I'm not the one that's going to make us crash," Seth squawked before he moved back onto his seat, his legs held up so they didn't drag on the road. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he stuck the salad bowl on his head and pulled the chinstrap tight. At the same time, he seemed to be on the lookout for items or people I might mow over.

You'd think the Florentine's wouldn't have found my driving any different from the usual crazies that flew down their roadways, but, for some reason, we seemed to draw special interest. Yes, one rarely saw a sidecar on the avenues of Italy, and ours ended up on the sidewalks more often than on the pavement, but that was mainly due to the fact the stupid lanes were ridiculously narrow. And yes, I did clip the odd building here and there, but with the way all of them sat right on the edge of the street, it was almost impossible to avoid hitting them. I mainly blamed Seth's screams and yells for attracting such undo attention to us. On the other hand, people were quick to move out of our way.

After a series of wrong turns, a few bumps to Seth, and three or four minor dents to the Vespa, we were out of Florence and on the highway. My traveling companion seemed highly motivated to get us away from town and into the open countryside as fast as possible, but there wasn't much of an improvement once we entered the Autostrada—which was totally Seth's fault.

The scooter struggled up every incline as if there were a baby elephant in the sidecar instead of a teenaged boy, while Seth's weight and size also threatened to pull the wheels of the bike off the ground if he made any sudden moves away from the Vespa.

To compensate for our sluggish pace, I started flooring it whenever we went downhill in an attempt to build up as much speed as possible. I wasn't slowing down for anyone or anything, and I didn't—regardless of what was on the road or how much Seth hollered. Before long, the scooter's little tires smelled of burnt rubber, the engine was smoking, and, after a few near misses with oncoming traffic, Seth's dark face was a strange, pasty white. But all that mattered to me was that less than an hour after we got out of Florence, the town of Volterra loomed high on a hill above us.

Embry's POV

"God, Call, you drive like a little old lady. I thought we'd never get here. Now, move this piece of shit over there, and let's go find us some leeches to toast." Yeah, I'd driven at a snail's pace and deliberately taken a few wrong turns, because if Jake wasn't gaining on us with every second I'd delayed, we were seriously gonna be fucked. Paul directed me off the road and through a field at the base of Mount Vamp and then behind a clump of bushes where I stopped the Punto. I looked over at him and shook my head. Christ on a cracker, he had really lost it. Paul was a whack job on his best day, and, believe me, he was not having his best day.

Shit, I had screwed up so bad even I had to admit it: my half-crocked pack mate wanted to skullfuck a crowd of Uber Vamps because of my big mouth. Luckily, I was driving so I could make sure we both got there safely before they pulverized us into a gelatinous mass. And the really bad news was that if they didn't rip me apart, Jake was sure to take care of the job. Fuck my life. On the other hand, in an account of who was responsible for the current clusterfuck, I wasn't Numero Uno on the list.

"You have pulled a lot of stupid shit in your time, Paul, but nothing comes close to this."

Ignoring me, he stripped off his shirt and jeans, pitched them in the car, and headed up the hill towards the old walls of Volterra. At least he hadn't lost all his marbles and plowed through the middle of town—at least, not yet. Vamp City still was a few hundred yards above us. Sighing, I threw my clothes in the Punto as well. It was inevitable that Paul was going to get us into a situation where we would have to phase, and, if I made it through the night alive, I wanted to make sure I didn't end up running around the streets of Italy bare-assed naked. As much as the ladies might have loved it, we had enough problems without me getting arrested for indecent exposure.

Up ahead, Paul stopped and inhaled, his frame start to shake, and, seconds later, he burst into fur. Reluctantly, I phased as well and prayed that Jake was running along the A-1 on padded feet so he could control Dumb Ass before he got all of us killed. No such luck—the only voice in my head was said Dumb Ass's.

Hey, Embry, get a load of that vamp stink. Hell, we don't even have to go into town. As strong as that shit smells, there's got to be a leech somewhere down here. Circle around!

Paul was right. The overwhelming stench of sweet, rotted flesh was everywhere. The entire area fucking reeked.

Holy shit! Embry, look up there at that huge son of a bitch!

Hidden in the trees that surrounded the moldy walls of the city stood an enormous fucker that had to be every bit of 7 feet tall. He was a few hundred yards away from me and had a cell phone stuck to his ear, but his dead white skin gave away exactly what he was; he almost glowed when moonlight sifted through the branches and hit his face. My first thought was that he had an uncanny resemblance to Lurch, the Addams family butler.

"Demetri, I completed the east route, and I'm about to head back inside the walls. Are you two finished?" Paul and I were silent as we listened in on Lurch's conversation.

"Yes. All's quiet on the western front," came a bored voice on the other end of the phone. "So, let's see. It's been 526 years, 8 months, 11 days, 2 hours, and … 37 minutes since Caius last discovered a Child of the Moon around Volterra. But you never can tell. Disaster may strike at any second."

Simultaneously, Paul and I had the exact same thought. Child of the Moon? What the fuck is that?

"It's not a matter for frivolity, Demetri. Nightly patrols are an essential part of our duties, as you well know. The east tract is clear as well. Since we've completed our reconnoiter, call in the report to Caius, then we will all rendezvous inside the north wall three minutes from now at precisely 10 p.m."

Even I understood the exasperated sigh on the other end of the phone. Jesus, did all these Vulture-i things act like they had sticks up their asses? Compared to Lurch, a case of the clap sounded like a barrel of laughs.

"See you in a few." Fanfuckingtastic. More vampires would soon be being joining the party. The even worse news was that when Lurch turned off his phone, his head lifted, and it was obvious he'd caught wind of us.

Goddamn it, don't do it! I tried warning Paul once more as he moved toward Lurch. I'm telling you for the last time, you're stepping in shit that you're not going to be able to get out of, and you'll drag all of us in with you.

Why don't you grow a set for once, dickless? I'll handle this bastard by myself since you're so scared. Just look at that Frankenstein fucker. It's my civic duty to tear his head off.

It's your civic duty to get the hell out of here before you get everybody killed, asshole! Bella said that these pricks might—

"Bella said"? Who gives a flying fuck what Bella says? Even more reason to go after the cocksuckers if Bella says to leave them alone!

It really didn't matter what anybody said anymore—least of all me. Lurch was deeply inhaling and searching for the source of our scent. Suddenly, his red eyes latched onto Paul. I could see the shock on his face as he took in the horse-sized wolf while satisfaction seemed to leak from Paul's pores as he thought about taking Lurch on and ripping him to pieces.

Here, leechy, leechy. Uncle Paul's got a little surprise for you.

I watched for a second as Lurch turned and started to move towards Paul while Paul crouched and readied for the attack. All the sudden, Lurch blew through the woods where he'd been partially concealed and charged down the hill straight at Paul. When Paul sprung forward, a violent crash echoed through the trees as the two of them collided. They thrashed around in the open, flat field we'd been standing in, one on top and then the other, constantly changing positions as each went in for the kill. Paul tried to get to the bloodsucker's neck, but, when he finally sunk his teeth in, Lurch's huge arms circled around Paul's ribcage and crushed it like a soda can. I heard a sickening yelp as Paul's body was hurled across the field and then a crunch as it smashed into a tree.

Immediately, Lurch's blood-red stare turned to me. As I stood there, growling, I saw two pale streaks shoot from the walls of the old city, and I watched as the streaks dissolved on either side of Lurch. My eyes widened as I realized that standing before me were three very pissed off vampires. Unless a miracle occurred, I was one dead son of a bitch.

Jake's POV

I couldn't wait to kill that goddamned piece of shit, Paul Fucking Young.

The night, which had started out with the best appetizer of my life, had gone south in a hurry. I couldn't believe that, less than an hour later, I was running after Dumb and Dumber trying to keep them from bringing down the wrath of a bunch of Ninja Vamps on everybody's head. Christ, I should kill both of their stupid asses.

Of course, the trip was a fucking nightmare. First, I had to wind through the shit-awful maze that was Florence, and then I had to find fricking Vampville. During the 45 minutes I was driving down the highways and back roads of Italy, I had plenty of time to think of all the different ways I could torture that fucking asshole before I killed him.

Early on, I decided feeding him feet first through a wood chipper was much too pleasant a way for him to go. No, I wasn't going to be nearly that sweet. Somewhere I'd read that during the Middle Ages, there was a device called the Spanish Donkey where people were tied naked astride a sawhorse that had a sharp V shape wedge on top, and then weights were attached to their feet so that, slowly and surely, they were sliced open from their nuts to their neck. That plan had real merit. Those Dark Age fuckers really knew how to take care of someone stepping out of line. Seriously, I was going so medieval on that motherfucker's ass.

After what seemed like a year, I finally reached Vulture Town and immediately noticed a fresh set of car tracks that led off the highway. They headed well away from the road as they cut through a grass field, and curved around the base of the hill. I started cussing under my breath calling Paul every foul name I could think of. Sure enough, when I followed the trail, I ended up sitting right next to Paul's empty Punto. I opened the car door and instantly wanted to slam it shut again. Goddamn it! There was the overwhelming scent of leech and wolf in the air. I got rid of my clothes as I climbed out of the car, and, when I phased, I saw what was happening just a hundred yards away.

Three bloodsuckers stood in front of Embry, and each one of them looked ready to rip off his nuts.

I'm almost there, buddy! Hang on!

Embry's relief was palpable. Thank Christ!

He was putting on a good show as he tried to keep the vamps at bay. Every tooth in his mouth was on full display as he snarled at them, and his fur was bristled making him look as if he was on some kind of werewolf steroids, but he didn't have a chance in hell if the three decided to rush him, and he knew it. Unfortunately, so did the bloodsuckers.

I'll take care of those fuckers, Call. Paul's voice boomed in my head. We don't need that cocksucker here trying to "save us." That comment was directed at me. Jesus, just how clueless could that stupid motherfucker be?

Shut the fuck up NOW, idiot. You better start praying I don't take your ass out first before I even think about the leeches.

Paul didn't have an option other than to close his trap and follow orders. I focused into his mind for a split second to see what kind of condition he was in. Physically, I could feel the stinging burn that radiated from Paul's ribcage and spine, but the pain was receding as his bones, cartilage, and skin knitted themselves together again. Mentally, I saw how the gallons of alcohol he'd downed were still affecting him. Great. There was nothing like going into battle with a whacked out psycho.

As soon as I was finished checking him over, my attention turned to a survey of the area, while I tried to figure out what assets we had—fast. Vultureville sat on a hill about half a klick above us surrounded by a high and thick stone wall. The thing looked about a thousand years old and like it was going to stay put for another thousand. Not good. While we were in a flat field with little cover available, anything and everything could be hiding behind those walls. Around the base of that fortification was a grove of trees—little use for concealment, but the vamps could use them as weapons. As the hill sloped down to where we were, the trees thinned out. Tall, dead grass covered the ground, but it wasn't nearly high enough to conceal three horse-sized wolves.

On the other hand, we did have a few things going for us. Large bushes dotted the landscape (those we could use), and there were a bunch of them around Embry. If we did manage to get out alive, there would be little that was covered in our scent except for grass and a few shrubs. The last plus was that we were far enough away from town that no one should notice what we were up to unless somebody was actively looking for us.

Embry, we got your back, man. Paul and I are going to circle around behind them and pray real fucking hard they don't realize we're here.

That Lurch is a motherfucker, Jake. Jesus, the son of a bitch is strong. Much to Paul's disgust, Embry replayed the incident when the huge leech squashed Paul like a bug.

Okay, I've got Lurch, I told Paul and Embry as I silently crept into position behind the big vamp's ass. On one side of Lurch stood a skinny black-haired corpse whose widow's peak reminded me of Eddie Munster's, and on the other side was some bitch who looked like she'd just crawled out of a morgue refrigerator drawer.

Embry, you take Eddie Munster, and Paul, you deal with Morticia over there. Don't attack until everybody's in position, but be ready if they start to make a move for Embry.

Yeah, please be ready if they go for me! Fuck me running!

"God, I can smell its stink all around us, Felix," Eddie Munster said.

"There were two of them," Lurch-Felix answered. "The other one didn't put up much of a fight."

That's what you think, you Frankenstein motherfucker. Paul was feeling better and better by the second.

Examining Embry as if he were a specimen in a Petri dish, Morticia strolled around him with her hands on her hips.

Stay with her, Paul, but be quiet … very quiet. Wait just a second and see if Eddie Munster moves too. As Cadaver Girl started circling around him, Embry pivoted so he could keep her in view. Although his focus was supposed to be on Eddie, he had to make sure he didn't expose himself to Morticia's attack. Embry's ears constantly flicked back and forth so he could confirm all three vamps' exact positions. Paul and I weren't even breathing as we slipped into place.

"What is it, Demetri?" Morticia asked Eddie as she scrutinized Embry.

"Hmmm, well, it's easier to say what it isn't," Eddie-Demetri said as he inhaled deeply. "Not human, not wolf, and definitely not Child of the Moon. Maybe it's a combination of the three?"`

Morticia tapped her chin. "I wonder. Should we keep it alive and take it back to Aro as a pet—or, at least, a zoo exhibit? I imagine he'd be terribly intrigued. What do you think, Felix?"

Embry, keep your cool. Don't let them figure out we understand them. The more they don't know, the better.

He remained crouched down, snarling, and ready to spring, but nothing in his movements betrayed that Embry was aware of anything they were saying.

"And have that stench permeate the entire castle?" Lurch-Felix's nostrils flared in disgust. "Are you serious?"

"We never have any pets, Felix. Somebody always gets bored with them." Morticia seemed to be pouting. She moved around to Embry's tail, and, for a second, I thought she was going to reach out and stroke him. "But this will amuse us for months. Look at its markings, Demetri. It's quite beautiful in a … savage sort of way. I'll have a coat made out of the other one." Paul bared his teeth as that comment sunk in. "How much fun would it be to have a live werewolf in the midst of a castle full of vampires! Aro would love it."

Eddie-Demetri slowly strolled towards Morticia, gradually leaving Lurch by himself, while Embry turned so he constantly faced both bloodsuckers. This is it, guys. Wait … wait … .

Ready? I could see Paul's position behind Morticia was perfect, and I had Lurch-Felix lined up in my sights as well. Steady … steady … NOW!

I leaped from the underbrush that concealed me and dove for the back of Lurch's neck. It felt like I slammed into a granite ledge, but I wasn't backing down for an instant. If he turned and got those powerful arms around me, it would all be over. My teeth crunched the stone in my mouth, while Lurch's arms flailed to unhorse me. I shook my head violently, trying to break his neck, but it wasn't giving an inch. He flung himself backward, landed on me, and it was as if the granite ledge just collapsed on my body. I couldn't breath, and I finally had to release him, then I spat out a huge hunk of his flesh—or whatever the fuck vampires were made of. Instantly, both of us were scrambling upright, facing each other, circling around, and searching for an opening.

Suddenly, I heard Embry hollering. Jesus, this one seems to know what I'm going to do before I do, Jake! Through the pack link, I saw what was taking place between Embry and his leech. Eddie-Demetri let Embry make the moves, but he was always there waiting for him. It was as if he was tracking his movements before Embry even decided to make them. Embry needed help—ASAP.

Before I could turn back to Lurch, Paul started yelling as well.

What the—? Sh-it! Holy—uff! Ow! Fuck, Jake, this black haired bitch can make shit move! I saw out of the corner of my eye that all kinds of things were sailing through the air—sticks, branches, small trees, and rocks—and every bit of it was aimed right at Paul.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck next? Bella said these bloodsuckers would have super abilities. Evidently, Morticia could manipulate inanimate objects at will. Thank Christ her powers didn't seem to extend to furry mutts or else we'd be flying around the field as well.

Get behind her, Paul. Use her as a shield. I'll help as soon as I can—My thoughts were interrupted as Lurch dove for me, and we locked each other in a death grip.

Fuck, we were so screwed. As Paul latched onto Morticia's neck, rocks and branches flew behind him and hammered his body. Pull her on top of you, Paul! Let her body protect yours!

I'm fucking trying, goddamn it!

A huge log whacked him in the snout almost knocking him off her completely. If he let go, he was dead meat.

Of course, Paul heard my thoughts. I know that, asshole. Why do you think I'm losing my fucking teeth hanging onto the bitch? Blood and saliva leaked from Paul's jaws as they dug deeper into Morticia's body, while she kept up a constant barrage of shit that was aimed right at his head.

God, I had to help both of them, but Lurch was giving me everything I could handle. His huge arms kept trying to surround my body, and finally his hands started to inch around my neck. I had to do more—I had to rip Lurch's fucking head off, and fast, or else none of us were going to get out of there alive.

Suddenly, I heard the sweetest sound I could imagine: Seth's voice as he suddenly phased into the picture. I'm here, guys. Jake, man, please tell me I can drop Bella off so I can help.

Fuck, you brought Bella here? I didn't even want to think about it. For Christ's sake, yes! Leave her somewhere safe, and get your ass over here! Help Paul with Morticia before she makes a coat out of him.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Seth came roaring in and leaped on Morticia, his teeth grinding into the stone of her neck. I turned my attention to Lurch with renewed fury, grabbed one of those tree trunks he had for arms, and ripped with all my might. The satisfying sound of splitting rock met my ears along with his scream of rage. But without his arm, he couldn't get leverage around me. Snarling, I stared into his blood-red eyes for a heartbeat before I dove for what was left of his neck. That did it.

I saw his face change expressions as it flipped over and over in the field while the rest of his body collapsed and then thrashed on the ground like a headless chicken. I ripped off his legs and remaining arm as quickly as I could, threw them in separate directions, and then raced to help Embry. Eddie-Demetri almost seemed to be disappearing and then reappearing as he tracked Embry's every move, and Embry couldn't react fast enough to the leech's sudden movements. But the son of a bitch wasn't tracking me. I flew across the field and leaped for him as I drew near. My jaws grabbed the fucker by the skull, and I crunched down as I slung his body with all my might.

A horrible cracking sound took place as head separated from body. I spit out the disgusting thing in my mouth and left it to Embry to chomp off the rest of his limbs. Turning toward our last problem, I ducked as a hunk of the old rock wall that surrounded the town flew over me and clocked Paul between the eyes.

Serves you right, motherfucker.

Fuck you, asshole! You left me with the bitch from hell while you played patty cake with that Lurch fucker. Come help us, goddamn it!

I shook my head in disgust. If it were just Paul's life on the line, I couldn't imagine a better fate than to let Morticia have her way with him. Maybe if he were chained in a dungeon full of leeches for the next two hundred years he'd grow the fuck up. Or not.

Get out of my way, idiot, I said to Paul, realizing it was going to take three of us to finish off Morticia. Seth, I'll help hold her down, and you take off her head.

Careful, Jake. She's nasty.

Seth was right. Instantly, sticks, branches, and small trees started stabbing me as Paul and I grappled with her body. Even though she couldn't budge physically, mentally she moved everything around us with vicious accuracy. Then Seth lunged, snapped down on her lily-white throat, and growling, he broke off her head. Suddenly, all the shit she'd been aiming at us fell to the ground with a thud.

Before we could take a breath, Paul snarled at Seth and me, warning us to stay back as he pulled Morticia's carcass away from us. When he saw we weren't going to intrude on his little corpse fest, he seemed almost ecstatic as he ripped the leech apart. What a sick fucking twist.

Holy crap. I looked around me, stunned. The scene I was staring at could have been completely reversed if not for Seth's appearance. Maybe we would have survived without him, but there was a good chance that everybody would have bought it had he not shown up. Shaken, I realized we just fought the most dangerous leeches we ever faced. Sure, Victoria was one tough customer to knock off, but the problem wasn't killing her—it was catching her. These three faced us head on and almost whipped our asses. Fuuuuck!

Clearing my mind, I got my thoughts in order. We needed to dispose of the trash, hide our tracks, and get the hell out of Vampville—fast. The instructions were loud and clear to everyone, and Embry, Seth, and I quickly started gathering up body parts. Paul, on the other hand, was chomping so furiously on Morticia that the white marble of her body was starting to look like little piles of wolf kibble. I could feel my teeth start to grind as my temper boiled over, but there was no time to deal with Paul while we were still in Leech Land. Beating him to a bloody pulp was going to be a drawn out and lengthy process.

Suddenly, behind a clump of trees, the last voice on the face of the earth that I expected to hear called out to me. "Jacob! Are you all right?"

Bella came running across the field and flung herself around my neck, her hot tears falling into my fur. "I was so scared, Jake."

She was scared? I almost phased so I could wrap my arms around her and make sure she was safe. Shit, I couldn't believe she'd been close enough to actually watch what happened. Thank God I hadn't realized where she was or I would have been pretty damn useless. And if I'd slipped up and my mind hadn't been in the fight even for a second, it could have all been over for everybody.

Closing my eyes, I nuzzled her face and licked her salty tears, wordlessly telling her not to cry. For a minute, I thought she might be repulsed by what I'd done, by what my wolf was capable of, but she just burrowed herself into me, and her hands started running through my fur as if she were trying to make sure I was okay.

Sweet Jesus, what a fucking disaster of a night: Embry tells Psycho Wolf about Vampville when he's drunk and even more of a lunatic than usual, then Paul decides to do a meet and greet with the most dangerous bloodsuckers on the face of the earth. And, after I gave him specific orders to keep her safe, Seth deposits Bella (with her blessing and encouragement I was sure) in the middle of a fucking bloodbath. Had all four of them completely lost their minds? Seth, what the hell? How could you bring her here?

I could feel his mental cringe. I swear, Jake, I didn't bring her—she brought me! She was convinced you guys needed me, so she was coming here regardless. I didn't have a choice since you ordered me to stay with her. And she said I'd have to hurt her if I tried to stop her. What was I supposed to do?

Christ on a ladder, I don't know. Tell her "Forget it"? Lock the door? Sit on her? Shit, Seth, you weigh three times what she does, and you're a werewolf for God's sake. You're telling me you couldn't keep one little girl from running into the middle of a vampire battlefield?

You try it next time and see what happens, Seth grumbled to himself. He didn't have to worry. I'd had it with leaving Seth in charge of protecting Bella. Obviously, she could manipulate him like a warm blob of dough.

Realizing what could have happened to Bella made my stomach heave. I knew I should be pissed at her, but I was too shaken thinking of the might-have-beens. With Seth's help, she'd practically thrown herself into a nest of vampires. Jesus, how was anybody supposed to keep her safe? My girl was tiny, but she had the heart and will of a lion.

Her husky voice interrupted my thoughts. "I know you're fussing at Seth, and you stop it right now. There was no way I was going to be the reason he stayed away from this fight."

Pulling my head out of her embrace, I gave her a disgusted huff.

"I mean it, Jacob. Don't you say a word to him. You want to blame somebody? Blame me. I don't care how mad you are. We did the right thing, and you know it."

Fuck me. I seriously wanted to rip Seth a new asshole, but that obviously wasn't happening. Sighing, I buried my nose in Bella's neck and thanked God she was all right. The tension left her body as she realized I was going to let it go. She ran her fingers through the long black hair of my neck and rubbed her nose against my muzzle.

"I was so scared, sweetheart. If something happened to you … ." She shivered as she laid her face next to mine, and then, like she always did, she kissed the black markings around my eyes.

Oh, for fuck's sake! Do we really have to watch this shit?

I lifted my head and stared at Paul with something akin to real hate in my eyes. If it weren't for Bella, you no good piece of shit, you're ass would be smeared all over this fucking field.

Fuck you, Black. You think I don't know whose fault this is? All of it is due to that vamp-loving cunt. If she hadn't fucked that corpse, we wouldn't even know about—

That was it. I finally lost it. All the fury I'd felt towards that oblivious, self-absorbed son of a bitch exploded into one vicious lunge. In a split second, I had him down on the ground, growling and snapping over him while he went belly up. His life was teetering on a razor's edge, and he knew it.

My brain roared thoughts at him. You goddamned motherfucker! Do you have any idea what you've done? Instantly, I let my mind flood with all of the images that had been consuming me ever since Bella told us what was in Voltura. Not only have you put at risk the lives of your brothers, your fucking pack mates, you've drawn attention to everybody on the reservation.

I let Paul hear Bella's words as they flowed through my mind. "It's possible if the Volturi find out, they could go to La Push. Jake, they could kill everyone there who might inherit or pass on the wolf gene." I thought about Sam's babies being torn apart, about all the beautiful Quileute kids who could die. Pictures of Emily and Kim, of the old people, of Billy and all our families being attacked by a colony of super vamps flashed through my brain. Finally came the vision that consumed me—that of a vampire crouching over my Bells and sucking her lifeless body dry. It was like a video loop that kept replaying in my head again and again.

Yeah, I should have known that she'd be the main thing on your mind.

Roaring, I reached down and clamped Paul's neck into my jaws. For a moment, I didn't know if I was going to kill him or not. Then, those horrible images of Dad and the tribe being murdered, of Bella dying, swirled in my mind again. Everything in me said to crush the son of a bitch and tear off his fucking head. With a furious snarl, I snapped down on Paul Young's throat.

ooOOOoo

Please review. I realize that tectonic plates move faster than my updates, but this chapter was a hell of a lot of work. I can't tell you how depressing it is not to get reviews. Seriously. No reviews mean nobody's interested.

All reviewers will receive a peek at Chapter 16. Did you like getting the peeks right before the new chapter was posted?

Okay, so what do you think of the chapter? Is Paul dead? Do you blame Jake if he is? What did you think of Paul? Did you understand him, sympathize with him, or hate his guts?

Oh, by the way, I need a guest beta for the next chapter. Anybody interested? (Must be 21 or older to apply for the position.)

Just a word of assurance here: this is not going to turn into some Volturi-centric story. We're going back to Bella and Jake's seduction of each other in the next chapter. But instead of ending the story in the next chapter or two, I have lots more I want to do, so this twist in the plot was always planned. Now I can write many more chapters if y'all don't mind.

Bella and Seth's Vespa and Sidecar:

http:/i980(dot)photobucket(dot)com/albums/ae283/leelator/vespawsidecarandpassengers-1(dot)jpg

Poor Seth.

Lee's Endless Teaching Moments:

La Scala:

La Scala is the opera house of Europe and is frequently a baptism by fire for singers. In 2006, the audience actually booed a tenor off the stage, forcing his understudy to replace him mid scene. They didn't even allow the poor understudy to change into a costume. Yikes!

In the 1800's, all society went to the opera at La Scala, and every imaginable transaction took place there other than singing. The lobby was a casino, gamblers hung out in the foyer, and, during a performance, those with a ticket could complete all sorts of trades from buying a horse to speculating in the stock market while down in the pit. It got so bad that opera lovers could only hear bits and pieces of melodies over the incessant din from the audience.

At the time, La Scala was lit by thousands of oil lamps. To prevent fire, several rooms were filled with hundreds of water buckets. More about La Scala:

http:/en(dot)wikipedia(dot)org/wiki/La_Scala

Here is a picture of the interior:

http:/milan(dot)arounder(dot)com/en/theatre/teatro-alla-scala/royal-box(dot)html Pretty cool, huh?

The opera Carmen by Georges Bizet is not boring in the least and is actually one of the sexiest, most exciting, beautiful, and popular operas ever written. One of its arias, "Seguedille," made me realize for the first time how sensual classical music can be. Here, Carmen is plotting how she's going to avoid going to jail, get drunk, dance, and get her claws in a new lover she's had her eye on. (See how nicely named Carmen Bianca Silva is?)

http:/www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=Z3RaYSzOQv0&feature=related

Trivia Daily Double: Jake refers to the "colony of vampires." A group of bats is known as a colony, a camp, or a cloud.

Medieval Torture Devices:

Anybody beside me find this stuff fascinating? I think all the elaborate apparatus that were used added to the general terror of what they were doing. The Dark Ages had such panache with this kind of thing.

Here's a little extra that I edited this out of Jake's POV:

I'd also seen a picture of some kind of skull crusher thing. Slow pressure was continually applied to the head until the person's teeth started shattering in their mouth, their eyes popped out, and then brain matter started squirting out of their ears. I didn't even need a machine for that one—I could do it with my hands, I thought with a smile.

Of course, both of Jake's ideas for torturing Paul are completely accurate. If you look at this site, you'll see all sorts of interesting things and what I've described in the chapter, but beware. It's pretty horrible.

http:/listverse(dot)com/2009/07/20/top-10-gruesome-medieval-torture-devices/