Hello guys, sorry I was late with previous chapter but from now on I plant to upload faster. As you may notice I am not really a skillful writer (for now) so I am really appreciating if you are reading this. It´s probably pain in the ass for now but I really want to improve, so please don´t hold with the reviews, seriously I can take it. :D I also apologize for the crappiness of second chapter, I made some adjustments before upload but apparently they didn´t take effect and I noticed that day later…
DISCLAIMER: I don´t own anything!
"It´s Wednesday, ughh…" I mumbled.
I just woke up, and I felt shitty. I was laying on my bed looking at my extended arm blocking the beams of light coming from my sealing lamp; light in the morning was real pain in the ass, but I found it bearable because it blocked my sight of awful cuts on my wrists, every time I looked at my arms always the same sight. Somehow I just didn´t felt like getting up, could be lack of sleep but it was unusual for me so it could easily be anything. This was one of my morning feelings that this day would really suck…
I would stay in bed for maybe 1 hour more, frankly I didn´t care if I would be late for school or not. I feel so weak, so distant… I just decided to space out for few minutes to collect some strength if it was even possible.
Yesterday was such a strange day, all kinds of thoughts started to appear in my head. I started to think about school, how I absolutely hated that disgusting place and all the people in it. Some images of people walking behind me on corridors and laughing behind my back appeared in my head. Of course I always knew that there was no way that they were talking about me, but I always have that strange feeling in my head that everyone is against me, it could be that I am paranoid or something, normal kids don´t frizzle whenever they got a feeling that someone is talking about them. But it was a case with me; after all I have been through a lot of shit.
I am a slave to my past and I hate it, but most of all I really hate myself. Day by day I suffered more abuse than any other man or woman could dream of, some days it was bearable but few were harder than all other together. Cuts on my wrists are painful reminders of those times. Reminders of my aunt, especially of the day she raped me, reminders of her customers who yelled at me, reminders of drugs, reminders of a lot of thing but also of most painful of all… They mostly remind me of how weak I was and how I still am, how I can´t speak normally in front of women, how I get no respect from other people in school, how I suck at explaining myself and even about standing for myself. God dam it I was pathetic I can´t believe I almost asked Toji to defend me from Asuka, god, sometimes I fell so useless… I remember even more pathetic when I couldn´t even confront my aunt when she did "things"…
I decided not to get myself lower than I already was. I decided to stand up, make myself some coffee and forget about all the shit, after all it was a new day and Misato-san always said that I should always appreciate every day I was given…
When I pulled myself into sitting position my stomach suddenly started to hurt pretty badly. God dam it I could feel the vomit pouring into my mouth, I wasn´t a stranger to morning sickness but it doesn't mean I got used to it or that I ever will. After all I had a pretty terrible life-style.
I stood up and ran to toilet as fast as I could. I quickly positioned my face above the sing and threw up my most previous meal…
I feel terrible in my own skin…
"UGH… Blehhh … fuck…." I muttered. Liquids were still dripping from my mouth but I ignored it until I calmed myself down. After a few glances to mirror I decided that I look too weak to go to school and I finally cleaned my mouth with my arm.
"Well not going to school today I guess…" I announced to myself.
Well as soon as I calmed down I decided to make myself some coffee and lit a cigarette to kill the stench in my mouth. Toothbrush would be also fine but I just didn´t feel like it, it´s not like anyone will feel my breath here am I right?
I got coffee ingredients ready, started to boil some milk (preferred coffee with milk) and texted others that today I won´t be joining them. They replied with concern but I explained that it was nothing serious. They all wished me fast recovery and I replied with thanks.
After finishing coffee and lighting a cigarette I decided to jump on my sofa and watch some T.V. Of course I didn´t watch anything, I´m not interested in T.V., I just stared at some T.V. show still thinking about stuff that happened around me.
"Kaworu and Rei dating a?" I thought. Well can´t really say that I won´t support them, I mean Kaworu is practically my brother, the man that would never betray me and I should be happy for him. But god dam it I was really jealous of them, I mean for him who was also abused by his three sisters to be so good at this kinds of situations is out of my comprehension, not to mention Rei. Dam it that girl is one of most beautiful girls in our school. Well she is not exactly the most normal one but I could sometimes see myself holding hands with her, well one of my fantasies died now… Well I will still ask Kaworu how she really is I mean I am still interested to hear about contents of her strange mind.
Suddenly my changed to Kensuke, he is my friend and all but god knew how awkward he can be. Literally the amount of times my most intimate secrets I shared with him got out only because he wanted to continue some conversation with some pretty girl. Sometimes I am ashamed to be guy, if I am to be grouped with dickheads controlled by hormones that will do anything to put dick into woman I might as well pull my eyeballs out… I am happy to be his friend but he really needs to grow up and develop some sort of farsight.
Just when I thought about my secrets I remembered one particular thread to my privacy…Asuka. I didn´t quite get to panic about it so why the heck not now? Basically I really doubt she can find anything, can she? Well if she went to my previous "orphanage" she could probably get a lot… well to do that she must assume that I am orphan and then she must go through every one in Tokyo3 to find mine… not gonna happen. She could also get a thing or two from police, I had a record after all but I also highly doubt that she could pull it off. So I think I am safe from it, no more names… no more teasing, fuck her! Bitch can shove it in her ass for all I care, I am a new man now and I will not be enslaved by my past anymore… or at least I like to pretend that way…
I got too fuzzy from thinking about that stuff and decided to escape from real world for a while. This world sucked it was time to go explore some other worlds …. Well it was time for me to turn on my Console I guess.
I went on my knees and switched my T.V. to console mode, after I pulled one of my favorite games and shoved it in. "The World of Instrumentality" was the best game I played in a while, it was singe person only so I played it rarely because most of the time I went multiplayer with others.
I got back to my sofa and turned the game on.
Game turned on and the words started to appear on the screen:
Welcome to the Instrumentality; proceed from your previous save or start a new game?
I chose to continue my previous adventures, in my latest fiasco I was the warrior named Kurosh. Mighty warrior on a quest to save the world from evil behemoth named Sanchiel. I stopped at the "witch village" arc where I was supposed to find an evil witch and kill her…
After a half an hour of playing I faced the witch and successfully defeated the witch and she started to beg for her life. Two options appeared on my screen; 1. Forgive the witch and venture further and 2. Rape the witch and loot her shack ….
"Oh my god…" I said in shock. I automatically clicked the first option and proceeded, spared witch thanked me and my character received a positive energy and soon after that I just saved the game and turned it off.
Joystick slipped from my arms and I spaced out in my thoughts. "How could anyone do that to someone?" was a question that bothered me to this day. I know that I could never do such a thing to anyone, fuck it no one deserved that, if someone should do it to me I would….
Sudden tears appeared in my eyes, fuck, like hell I would… "I am so pathetic I couldn't even do it then how could I do anything now…. Who am I kidding? I´m a wimp, I´m still bound to my past and I am making myself even more pathetic denying it, even now after so much years I can´t even stay calm in front of women. Even in the fucking Instumentality I can´t escape the fucking truth…"
I was still upset but one thing suddenly entered my mind "NO" ….that´s right "NO". I don´t have to repeat the same shit to myself every single day… I decided not to fall down! In the past few years I made friends, successfully entered the human society, found a job, studied hard and many more. Small glimpse of self-esteem returned to me and I decided to hold onto it and not to let myself get any lower.
"For fuck sake why do I need to go through all of this…?" I said when I felt that my stomach was rising again…
After a short trip to the bathroom and finally brushing my teeth I decided to go outside to calm myself down, maybe take a small walk and puke into my neighbors' backyard, Instrumentality was not an option now, even though I like the place it reminds me of pain too much… and apart from that T.V. suck these days. And so the choice was clear.
After I finished dressing up I put my cigarettes in my pocket together with a lighter and I put my SDAT in the other pocket. I was ready to go.
Right after I went outside I saw my schizophrenic neighbor staring at my apartments wall, usually I would greet him and try to be friendly but right now I was not in the mood so instead of that I just walked passed him flipping my middle finger back and forth…
"Do that to your mother, ass-face!"
My mother is dead you fucking duchebag…
"I would rather do it to yours!" I responded and just walked away not minding what crap may come out of morons' mouth.
I could take his shit, but my mother was something you don´t mention, even though I don´t remember her no one is gonna trash those few memories I have…
Next hour I spent walking around Sakura Street feeling depressed, after a while I decided to sit down on a park bench and observe a life around me. Place was really beautiful; green landscapes, everything was clean, there weren´t any troublemakers and it was silent, well it was during a day. During day a lot of older people passed by, going on with their life and not minding me… I watched a smiling couple pass by, they looked so happy holding hands and enjoying each others company… wish that someone would comfort me like that …
I had Kaworu and guys but that was not exactly the thing I needed all the time, they were good and supportive but none of them actually understood me or what hell I went through, sure Kaworu had a glimpse of it but I consider his case lucky comparing it to mine.
Suddenly I noticed a small white kitty crawling between my legs.
"Are you lonely little one?" I said as I tapped her on the head. I could easily get few sicknesses more but I didn´t care that much.
"You remind me of someone you know that?" I continued. I remained happy looking at the pleasured kitty under my hands as I continued to tap her on the head.
After few moments small white cat just meowed at me and went away, probably pleased.
"Well at least I think I comforted you my friend…" I thought to myself. Well I could try to find someone I guess… I deserve to be happy just as anyone, right?
I spent few moments just thinking if I should try again with "girlfriend" things… I really don´t know. I had pretty decent good looking girls in my class, I could probably settle with average looking one that shouldn't be too demanding…. Or better not, when I think about it average looking ones always went for prettier guys just to show off to each other , never really understood that and I highly doubt that any of them would show off with me, I wasn´t one of good looking I guess… "Well going to start making myself depressed again am I?" I thought as I continued. Well more popular girls always decline all the love offers, at least that is the case with my class… I don´t really know I might as well wait for a party that is coming and see there… if anything I will get drunk and forget everything and possibly kill my depression through some fun…
I stood up as I decided to go home and return to my "quest" I noticed someone familiar looking my way.
Fuck.
"Are we skipping class Shinji-kun?" Misato yelled with melodic voice. In any other situation I would probably jump with joy from sight of her but right now running away was a pretty decent option. No one would object if he/her saw her when she is mad…
"I ´m sorry, I felt sick in the morning!" I apologized as I usually do. She came closer to me and studied my face as my eyes were closed with expectation of something bad.
"You look sick you know! Well that cigarette surely won´t help you, you know?"
"Oh" I replied. As soon as I heard that I threw my cigarette on the floor and steeped on it turning her off. Damn my face went somewhat pinky, I didn´t like for Misato-san to see me with any kid of addicting "commodities"…
"Don´t worry Shinji-kun, you probably just wanted some fresh air right?" Misato leaned even closer with her face to mine.
"Y-Yeah!" I responded blushing madly…
"You know what Shinji-kun why don´t you come with me for a cup of coffee, I could use some ones company!" She asked. That was an offer no one refuses.
"Sure Misato-san!" I replied with cheerful voice. I loved to spend time with Misato-san; she was like the best woman that set foot on this planet, ever!
"Then come with me, my car is over there!" She announced pointing at the nearby parking complex.
"Coming" I replied.
Fuck…
Misato-san has 2 flaws, driving and cooking, when she drives she is like a crazy psycho, you would get a clearer perspective if you ever rode with her and when she cooks… god save us all… I was still feeling kind of sick but I don´t want to insult her driving skills so I will be a man and take it to myself..
"Hurry up Shinji-kun, they might close!" She said in her usual melodic almost singing tone.
"U-Umm… There is no need to hurry…." I protested.
"Oh sure there is. Come on! I will get us there in 2 minutes just you wait!"
"I was afraid of that." I thought. Well I don´t plan to do anything about it so what the heck.
"OK…"
After exactly 1 minute and 25 seconds we appeared in front of Starbucks and I really, REALLY had to use a bathroom. We went out of car and I started: "Misato I really need to use a bathroom can you please take big coffee with milk for me?"
"Sure, anything for my little boy!" Misato replied smiling.
You didn´t have to say that…
As much as I loved Misato-san and she liked me I had one really big problem with her, she never acknowledges me as a independent person and she always threats me like I´ m boy even thou I am 16, and I shave once a week that counts…
We parted I went to the bathroom and she went to the reception. I entered a bathroom moment after. I am alone…luckily. So I entered a cabin and threw up all the liquids of my stomach, again. The familiar disgusting feeling of my stomach content crawling up my throat. After that I just went to the sink and looked at the mirror.
Disgusting…
"I can´t believe that I am unable to stand up to a woman, fuck if I just told her that I was puking and that her driving was not stomach-friendly this would not happen, but no… You just have to go along with anything don´t you Shinji, you are afraid to hurt women feelings, am I right?"
Mirror gave no response…
"I thought so…" I said to the mirror cleaning my mouth and going to the exit.
Misato waited for me at the balcony; apparently she was considerable enough to go to smoking part, how charming of my Misato-san. We drank our coffee for few hours and we talked about everything, well I did the most of talking, that woman was like my therapist but I always avoided more personal things. I really liked her company, who wouldn´t enjoy the company of a perfect woman? But not single moment did she address me as a man, I was bothered by that, a lot… but considering conditions in which we met it is not really surprising…
We met at the deepest point of my misery and she managed to break through my barriers and put me on my cranky feet… our relationship would be more of mother-son or sister-little brother than any other, but even then she would have to acknowledge me like an independent person… but it was not happening.
I knew I won´t get any respect from women just by wishing it, but to be honest I had no idea what to do…
"Problems I will have to face later I guess…" I thought as we left. At least I had some fun, not to mention a free coffee and waffle.
"Shinji next few weeks I will be extremely busy so we probably won´t see each other that much. But if you have any problems you can always call me ok? You know you can speak to me about anything that bothers you, o.k.?" She asked with somewhat concerned face. I hated when she made that face.
I wish it was true…
"Yes Misato-san always…" I answered. As much as I hated to keep things from her I did that a lot, after all she is a woman and you don´t speak to women about men´s problems… or boyish … god dam it… Not being able to see Misato-san for few weeks is terrible; at least we had this coffee…
"Want me to ride you home Shinji-kun?" Misato asked with that same concerned face."We must cherish our last moment!" She announced changing her expression to more cheerful one.
"That won´t be necessary Misato-san, I am really close to my home…" I replied while shaking my head. I´m not entering that car EVER!
"You sure Shinji-kun?" Misato asked with her seductive voice. God I hated that voice, when I was younger I always got wrong impressions, but then I admit that I was pretty foolish back then…
"Yes I am definitely sure, I could use a walk!" I said trying to sound as reassuring as possible.
"Oh, okay then see you then my little boy…." She greeted in her again cheerful voice.
"Goodbye Misato-san!" I returned the greeting. "Thank god that she got convinced. " I thought.
"Oh! Shinji! One more thing before I forget!" My social worker shouted.
"W-What is it?" I asked. I was little puzzled at her sudden question.
"Any girls?" she asked smiling broadly. I couldn´t stand that poisonous grin on her face, it always made me blush, and yes I was that easily controlled…
"U-U-Um N-N-No… but I am working on it…." I mumbled back. Heck I feel pathetic right now.
"Hihihih, well try harder lover boy, no woman will ever come to you if you don´t try your best, you got me?" She proclaimed. I knew how the things worked, but thank you…
I had three girlfriends if you don´t remember… which means that I asked three girls out and that they said yes. I had no problems with asking, I can manage few doses of courage for that, well I must admit that I played safe and it could also be that I am scared of refusal; but not minding that my problem was with keeping them. I was not that socially retarded as Kensuke, after all I kissed 4 girls… okay maybe 3 that fourth was a bit situational thing… but it was solid number... I guess. Well Kaworu did a lot more with girls with Toji behind him witch put me on third place in our gang on that matter… Point is I am not some kid that never saw a girl in his life; I really appreciate this Misato…. really considerate of you… frankly now I really doubt that she got any bigger opinion of me other than "kid-with-tragic-past"….
"Y-Y-Yes… you are right Misato…" I muttered. Well swallowing my pride once again… "You wimp!" I thought to myself.
"Ahhh, well see you then my Shinji, and don´t remember to believe in yourself, o.k.? You know you can do anything if you want!" Misato reassured.
"Thank you…"
"Well by then!" Misato greeted as she turned around and walked away.
"By" I greeted and waved as I was looking at her when she entered her road killer.
(Sigh)
I turned around and went home, it was getting dark pretty soon and I still felt down. When I felt down I went to my laptop and continued with writing my memos. Yesterday I finished the 6th year of my life so it was going pretty good I guess. I don´t really know why am I writing it but I always get some motivation to do it… they could be useful one day I think…
When I arrived home I checked my web again. There was nothing new on neither Facebook nor YouTube and others were also all the same… I wasn´t into gaming tonight , to be honest I felt like going to sleep early, day was pretty crappy and I could use some more sleep considering that I am sick and shit…
Just before I went to bathroom I noticed that my phone was signaling that I have a message. I lifted it up and checked the message; strangely it was unknown number… I wonder. When I opened the message I had something quite disturbing to see.
Hello Baka Ikari.
"Are you so scared of me that you are skipping school now, ha? You should tell me what I want, if you don´t do it yourself I will continue to dig further, and if I find something nasty everyone will know, you got me? And I already found something. ; ) You are wondering why am I doing this right? Well, truth is you are the only boy in the school I know nothing of and you refused to tell me what interested me. You see no one ignores my demands, you got that? So you got an option, tell me what I want and I am letting you go, got it you wimp? "
Goodbye :*
How…. What the….is… UGHHHH.
I threw my phone in the wall and completely shattered it all across the floor, one of those moments in which anger consumes me completely and when that happens I lose my rationality, all of it.
WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL OF THE SUDDEN WITH HER? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH THINKING? WHO THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS…QUEEN OF FUCK SCHOOL! THAT ALL BOYS ARE HER PAWNS! WHAT THE FUCK!
I calmed after some hard panting, I just put my back on the wall and slid into sitting position grabbing my head with my arms.
What could she possibly know… probably nothing? Yes, bitch is probably lying. Fuck she may actually know me from middle school, hardly believable. Maybe someone told her about me, someone that we both knew and who went with me in middle school. Is that possible? No, no it ´s not possible, THAT bItch is lying about everything. She can shove all of this in her ass for all I care…
I remained sitting on a floor few more minutes, after I calmed down a bit I went to my bathroom to take a nice cold shower which should help me to forget about all of this. I still couldn´t comprehend that woman was abusing me once again and that I was going to take it and ignore it, again…
After shower I completely cleared my mind and went to my laptop, I started to write my memos and kept doing it for 3 straight hours without a single break (of course I smoked about 8 cigarettes in process). Basically I did it until I forgot my previous problem. When I decided that I was done I leaned across my chair and stretched my arms; I noticed that it was already dark so I should probably get going to my slumbers, because I really deserved a good night sleep.
I remained sitting on my chair for few more seconds, I looked around my room; lights were off and it was pretty dark… I felt really lonely…. Lonely…
Fuck I forgot to call my work and inform them of my absence! Fuck, fuck, fuck….
(Sigh)
I stood up, got rid of my clothes, turned everything off because I didn´t want any night calls from my friends and after all that I jumped inside my bed bare naked. Hopefully I could get a good sleep; it was eleven so I would sleep pretty decently tonight or at least that´s what I always wished for. As soon as I entered my bed and positioned myself on my back I noticed someone who lived in my crotch territory.
"You are not sleepy? Well fuck you… you like to use me don´t you?" I asked my penis.
(Sight)
If he stayed like this I won´t be able to fall asleep so I slowly grabbed it and started to do my thing. Up and down, from base to top. I did the same process for few more minutes before I fell asleep. I hoped for a normal night and instead I got one of worst nightmares I ever had…
What a crappy day…
End of Chapter 3.
A/N: The torture of Shinji has started… hurray? Thank you for watching and please don´t hold back, I m a good guy I can handle bad reviews and still love you after…
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