Seychelles and England, conversing on the steps of the UN building, turned and smiled as America yelled to them from across the street. "Hey, guys! Great to see you!"
"Hi!" Seychelles hopped off the wall where she had perched and ran to hug him. "Hey, stepdad!"
"Aheheh, please don't call me that," he said, returning the hug awkwardly. "The global family's insane enough already."
"Fine, Alfred, then," she said, remembering their public location. "Oh, I found this for you! You like blue, right?" She plucked a plush toy from her briefcase.
"Yes! Squiddles dolls! I love these things!" America squealed, hugging the tiny stuffed cephalopod. "Thanks so much, Sey!" She nodded, and moved aside so England could greet him.
"Missed me?" England said, throwing his arms around America and pressing his face to the taller man's breastbone.
"Sure did, old man." America lifted England off the ground and kissed his hair, grinning at England's spluttered protest. Seychelles giggled as the two pulled apart just enough to reposition their heads and let their lips meet.
"Okay, we should stop giving your public a show," England said, pulling away to pick up his briefcase. "We have a special guest at the meeting and we can't be late."
"Sp- oh, yeah, her." America winced. He knew their special guest, and she was unnerving.
The conference room fell silent as the lights shut off, and the tall figure strode into view. The projector light gleamed off her grey skin and the spear-sharp points of her enormous horns. Her fuschia eyes glowed, and her black lips parted to reveal blade-like teeth.
This was the Empire of Alternia. The nations of Earth refused to cower before her, but they certainly treated her with a healthy respect.
"Greetings, nations of Earth," she began, her voice as rasping as the buzzing of a hornet's nest. "All hail Her Imperious Condescension."
"All hail," the nations chorused half-heartedly.
The presentation began, surprisingly boring to say it was coming from such a warlike being as Alternia, but then that was the point of the Alliance; peace between Earth and Alternia. Alternia had discovered the hard way that Earthlings and their allies could hold their own against her, and considered a peace treaty instead of wholesale slaughter. The result had benefited both sides far more than simply mowing each other down, but was still very uneasy.
America did his best to pay attention. Alternia held less contempt for him and Russia than for most of the others, and thanks to living with Tony he was the de facto alien correspondent. It wouldn't do to look any more stupid than usual in front of her.
The discussion went rapidly from food production on uninhabited planets to better spaceship engine designs to nuclear weapon accumulation, and everyone was feeling just about ready to go to lunch, when Alternia rapped her pointer sharply on the projector and opened a new slide, headed "QUADRANTS". It depicted the traditional Alternian quadrant grid, and nothing else. Everyone stared in confusion.
"Now, as you all presumably know, the three-sweep anniversary of the Altern-Earth Alliance is coming up," Alternia began, smiling like a chainsaw.
"Wait, that was like a week ago!" Poland protested.
"No, that was the six-year anniversary. The three-sweep anniversary is in six months," Alternia said, eyes glittering ominously at him. Poland hid under the table. "Well, five months and three weeks. And, as I hope you know, the Alliance treaty will be renewed on that day. If."
There was a worried silence. America broke it. "If what?"
"Well," Alternia said, her smile broadening. "It seems Her Imperious Condescension is still a little uneasy about human ... social structures. It's not a problem when it comes to your mortal population, but wouldn't you know it, she thinks that your interactions are unstable! I can't imagine where she got that idea, other than, you know, millenia of warfare with no overall winner, you giant wusses."
"Is there a point to this or do you just want to insult us?" Germany demanded.
"I'm coming to that. Her Imperious Condescension is of the opinion that, to function long-term as a cohesive whole and thus to be a worthy ally to the Alternian Empire, the nations of Earth must form stronger ties to each other. We've observed that you don't follow the quadrant system, and we feel that it would be to your benefit to test it."
"What?" America spluttered. "You want us to use your stupid grid thing and hook up? Is this really important enough to-"
"Did I mention that by 'it would be to your benefit' I meant 'a condition of renewing the Alliance'?"
Stunned silence fell again. The chainsaw smile glowed in the semi-darkness.
The Alliance was the only thing protecting Earth from potential attack from outside. Troll technology had improved life on Earth immeasurably. At best the end of the Alliance would mean the end of all that, and going by the Condesce's usual behaviour, she likely wouldn't be satisfied with simply leaving.
"So, let me see if I have this straight," England said, voice dull with terror. "As a condition for not potentially wiping out the entire population of this planet, you want to, as they say on Japan's fanfic sites, 'ship' us."
"Oh, no. Choosing your ships is entirely up to you," Alternia explained. "All you each have to do is pick a matesprit, a moirail, a kismesis, and a pair to auspisticise for. It's not hard, everyone does it."
"We haven't had centuries to get used to this!" Switzerland protested. "It's hard enough work keeping up one relationship!"
"Tough. The Condesce has spoken. You have six months." Alternia spun on her heel and headed out of the room, pausing in the doorway to throw back one last terrifying smile. "Have fun."