As the alien empire left, the room exploded into panicked conversation.
"How the hell are we supposed to do this? Human nations just don't work that way!" England said, clutching his hair.
"Aw, hon, c'mon, we can do this," America said, throwing an arm round England's shoulders. "It's not like we're plucking relationships from thin air, we just need to, uh, re-label some and we'll be halfway there! I mean ..." He took England's hand and let their index fingers and thumbs form the shape of a heart. "Matesprits, yeah?"
England smiled, despite his shaken mood. "Well, that's one down. Out of what? About two hundred nations on the planet and we have to fill every quadrant. Only seven hundred and ninety-nine to go!"
"How are we supposed to find only one person who fits in each quadrant?" France protested.
"It's not like we all have to stay in them permanently!" Switzerland pointed out. "Just find someone you can cope with till the treaty passes, then we can drop them or shift them around if we want. Trust me - I'm in finance, I'm good at loopholes."
Hungary raised her hand. "We'll be willing to lend the use of our shipping chart!" she declared happily. She stood up, backed away from the table, and held out her hands. There was a clicking sound, and a huge roll of paper abruptly materialised in her grip. "God, I love this Fetch Modus thing."
Japan blushed, but nodded. "So far we've only done human romance. I don't know how much use it'll be, but it's better than nothing and it might give us a start on the redrom. We'll need paper, scissors, pins, and grey, black, and pink marker pens."
"Okay!" Germany stood up and clapped his hands, businesslike and brisk. "The sooner we get this started, the sooner it'll be done."
Equipment was assembled rapidly, and Hungary pinned her chart up over the whiteboard. It was the size of a bedsheet, and a picture of each nation was pinned on in a complex pattern, interlinked with red arrows. Several of the pictures looked unnervingly as if they had been taken when the subjects were unaware.
"Hey!" Romania pointed angrily at the photo of him, which showed him hiding behind the conference room door and picking his nose. "When the hell did you take that one?"
"I have hidden cameras!" Hungary said proudly.
"And why the hell didn't you make any ships for me?" Romania continued.
"Well, now I know who's first on my kismesis shortlist, mister grumpy!"
Germany cleared his throat and tapped his papers. "Ahem. Could we all settle down and concentrate, please? Okay, Japan, America, you both have strong ties with Alternia and significant troll populations, can you explain the quadrant system for those not familiar?"
"Okay, here goes," America said, joining Japan at the front of the room. "Um, okay, troll romance is divided into four quadrants," he explained, pinning a fresh A4 notebook sheet over the shipping chart and using a black marker to draw a rough grid. "It's divided into con- ... uh, help me out here."
"Concupiscent!" England called.
"Concupiscent, thanks, hon - that's the ones which involve, um, reproducing." America blushed violently. "And conciliatory, which don't. Well, I guess they could with human biology involved, but for trolls they don't." He laboriously marked the columns of the grid with the appropriate words, Japan helping him with the spelling. "And the other division is by whether it's based on good or bad feelings, though trolls' idea of good and bad is a bit weird." He labelled the rows with "PITY" and "HATE". "See?"
"Not really," Russia objected.
"Well, I hope it'll become clearer in a minute. Okay, matespritship is pretty much the same as what humans would recognise as romantic, right, Japan?"
"Yes, that is correct, though trolls prefer to call it a form of pity rather than love, as they see the latter as weakness," said Japan, uncapping the red marker and doodling a heart in the top left corner of the chart. "It's symbolised by the heart shape and the colour red, and is also known as the 'flushed' quadrant."
"Hehehe, you said flush," America snickered.
Japan jabbed him in the ribs and continued, taking the black marker. "In contrast, the caliginous quadrant, shown by the black spade-" he drew the shape in question beneath the heart, "-is where one would find one's kismesis. The best description would be an extremely potent rivalry, mingled with sexual attraction. It's often referred to as hate, though that's not entirely accurate by human standards. The point is to feed the rivalry, not to overpower or kill the other."
Everyone pointedly looked at England and France, who glared back.
America took the pink marker and scrawled a diamond. "Now moirallegiance - pale - is a bit trickier. On the surface it looks kind of like just being really good BFFs, but that's not all of it. It's about pacifying any dangerous urges. Humans don't have so much of that problem, but I guess we might. We are naturally kind of ... well, even if we're trying to be peaceful we can't break the habit in only a decade or so without help. Moirails balance each other's worst urges and encourage the best, and if one partner is likely to be violent they'll pick a calmer moirail."
Japan glanced at America from beneath his eyelashes, but America didn't see it.
"And finally - and most damn complicated - is auspisticism, or the ashen quadrant," America grumbled, handing over the grey marker to Japan. "Could you do it? I can't draw clubs. Anyway, this one's a three-way-"
Prussia, Spain, and France whooped gleefully, and China threw a pen at them.
"There's no sex involved," Japan informed them, and they groaned in mock disappointment. "The auspistice-" he tapped the top lobe of the club shape, "-is a mediator between two rivals, to prevent full-blown kismesissitude if they already have kismeses of their own. A balance, if you will. Okay, does everyone follow?"
Everyone nodded or murmured or shrugged.
"Well, I've already got my awesome moirails here!" Prussia said, throwing his arms around France and Spain. "Have fun filling your own quadrants, suckers."
"Uh, it doesn't work that way," Japan said. "We did say moirails were supposed to balance each other's problematic urges. You three only make each other worse."
"I have six missing pairs of underwear which will testify to that!" said Austria with a scowl.
"Well, damn." Prussia sagged. "And we like each other too much to be austi-whatsit."
"Yeah, let's discuss how this is going to work before we start on with who," Spain said, hugging Prussia back.
"A very sensible suggestion." Germany stood up. "Okay, to make this work, we'll have to make some rules. First off, this black quadrant thing cannot be allowed to affect your political relationships negatively. I really mean this, everyone. Lives could be at stake if you do, and petty soap opera shenanigans are not worth that. Second, don't let them affect your other personal interactions either. The point of this exercise isn't to cause worldwide feuds. Well, knowing Alternia it could be. But if it is, we're not going to let it, are we?"
A chorus of cheers arose.
"And finally ..." Germany cleared his throat. "It would probably be a good idea not to tell our bosses. A lot of them still don't really understand trolls, and besides, if we fail I'd rather be spared the embarrassment on top of everything else."