Here's another update for you guys! Didn't I just update, like, yesterday? Yay for the quick update! You can all thank SweetPeaKiller for that. Her reviews(and everybody else's) motivate me to update.
"James. Wake up."
I roll over blindly, pulling my blanket tighter around my shoulders. Ignoring the hand shaking my shoulder, I attempt to fall back asleep, letting out a yawn. It's way too early to get up.
"James!" I recognize the voice as Kendall's, and reluctantly open my eyes to glare at him. He's standing with his arms crossed, his hair tussled as if he's just woken up. For a moment, all I can do is stare. Why is Kendall waking me up? Where's Logan? And then everything comes flooding back to me, and I shut my eyes tightly again, groaning.
"Go away," I mutter. "Please. It's too early to get up, anyway."
"Early?" James, it's two in the afternoon."
"What?" I say in disbelief, opening my eyes once again to glance at the clock. Alright, maybe it's not so early after all... "Whatever. I'm tired. Let me sleep." Kendall smacks my arm, and I groan once again, turning my gaze back to him.
"Look, I know you're upset, but you can't spend the entire day in bed," he says, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into a sitting position.
"Yes, I can," I argue, yanking my arm away. "You have no idea what I'm going through, okay?"
"That's not true." I lay back down, turning my back to him. I refuse to argue with him right now. "James, get the hell up." Kendall rolls me off the bed, and I land with a painful thud on the floor. I don't move, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing me get up. I'm fully intent on just lying here until I die, trying to ignore the pain in my chest.
"Go away," I say harshly, and I don't really try to sound mean, but I'm tired and crabby, and all I want is to be left alone to my dreams. I have such sweet dreams of Logan when I sleep, dreams of him here with me, smiling or laughing. He's just there, and that's all I really need. I'm not ready to face reality yet. I hear Kendall sigh and leave the room, and if I wasn't feeling so sorry for myself, I probably would have grinned at my victory. I enjoy the silence, closing my eyes and trying to get comfortable on the hard floor. I'm just about to drift off when I hear footsteps, and I glance up to find Carlos standing over me, frowning. He doesn't say anything, just watches me for a moment before sitting down beside me.
"How are you feeling?" he asks after several minutes of thought, and I snort, turning away from him.
"Like shit," I reply, curling into a ball.
"I know that, but..." He pauses, and I hear him fidget a bit. "You say we can't understand what you're going through..."
"You can't."
"Then help us understand, James," Carlos practically pleads, and he sounds so desperate I actually turn back around to look at him. I stare at him for a long time, debating whether or not I should let him in. And even if I did try to describe it to him, would he even understand? "James?" With a sigh, I push myself up, forcing myself to stand and leave the room. Kendall looks up from his spot on the couch as I walk past.
"Happy now?" I spit, making my way to the kitchen. I don't look back to see his reaction. Katie and Ms. Knight must be out and about, and I'm glad. I already have to deal with Kendall and Carlos trying to get me to open up; I don't need those two trying to comfort me. There's a tornado of emotions ripping through my chest right now, and nothing anyone says or does is going to help me. Can't they see I'm broken?
I subconsciously grab a bowl from the cabinet, setting it down on the table before grabbing a box of cereal, a spoon, and some yogurt from the fridge. Once everything is all set up and the cereal is back in its place, I sit down, resting my head on the table and closing my eyes. The tornado in my chest is growing, getting more difficult to control. Any second now, I'm going to burst. This is all too much. What did I ever do to deserve this? What did Logan do to deserve this? He's so caring and kind and innocent. Why is he being punished? The tornado moves closer to my heart, and I let out a quiet, choked sound. I can't live through this, I can't. Desperate not to cry, I lift my head up, intent on eating my late breakfast to get my mind off things for at least a few minutes. This, however, is a mistake. Without really realizing it, I grabbed Logan's favorite bowl, filled it with his favorite cereal, and got out the yogurt, which he likes to eat once he's done with his Frosted Flakes. This is the breakfast Logan has every morning. I stand up quickly, knees banging into the table hard, causing the bowl of cereal to fall to the floor. It smashes into a bunch a jagged pieces, milk and Frosted Flakes flying everywhere. All I can do is stare at the mess, tears welling up in my eyes despite my efforts to hold them back. Kendall and Carlos appear from the living room, worried looks on their faces.
"James, what happened?" Kendall asks, making his way over to me. Carlos bends down to examine the mess.
"Logan's favorite bowl," I whisper, unable to take my eyes off the little bits of ceramic littering the floor. "I broke his favorite bowl..."
"It's okay, we'll clean it up and-"
"No," I mutter, sinking to my knees, ignoring Kendall's soothing words. "I broke it. I broke his bowl. It's his favorite bowl!" I begin frantically picking up the sharp pieces, ignoring the pain that erupts in my fingers as the jagged edges cut my skin. "I need to fix it! He'll be so upset when he finds out!" Carlos and Kendall pull at my shoulders, trying to bring me away from the mess. My blood mixes with the milk, creating pink.
"James, you're cutting yourself!" Kendall says, grabbing my arm. "Stop it!"
"It's his favorite bowl!" I cry, tears rushing down my cheeks. "I'm so clumsy! How could I break his favorite bowl?" With one final, hard tug, Kendall and Carlos manage to pull me away from the fragments and to my feet. Carlos grabs some paper towel, pressing it against the cuts on my fingers and palm.
"Come on. We need to get you to a hospital."
"No! We need to fix his bowl!" I shout, but I let them pull me away, the stinging in my hands starting to really hurt. I glance down at them, grimacing when I see the blood soaking through the paper towel. "Oh my god... I'm bleeding!" The tornado in my chest calms down a bit, and I attempt to clear my head. I feel sick to my stomach. Unlike Logan, I hate blood. I can't stand the sight of it, or the smell of it.
"Let's just get to the hospital," Carlos says gently. "Don't look at your hands. You'll be okay." I nod, looking straight ahead.
"What did I do?" I say softly, ignoring the temptation to look down at my hands. "It hurts."
"They wouldn't hurt if you had just let us clean up the mess instead of flinging your hands all over the sharp pieces," Kendall says.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly, and Kendall's face softens.
"No, it's alright," he says. "Just, what were you thinking?" He glances at me worriedly. "You scared me a bit back there."
"I don't know," I reply, glancing down at my hands. "I just saw the mess a-and I just felt so awful. It's his favorite bowl and now it's, it's broken."
"We'll just buy a new one," Carlos says, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Logan will never know the difference." Hearing Logan's name brings a sharp stab of pain to my heart.
"It won't be the same. This is all my fault..."
"Don't beat yourself up about it," Kendall says gently, and I look down at my feet. "I'm sure Logan will understand." Once again, I feel a sharp stab of pain in my chest.
"Logan's not coming home," I say bitterly, and Kendall frowns.
"Of course he is. The police will find him and bring him home." I choose to stay silent after that, all through the car ride to the hospital, throughout the short wait in the waiting room, even when the doctor says he'll have to stitch up a few of my cuts. Okay, maybe I whimpered a few times while the doctor was stitching my hand, but come on, who doesn't get nervous watching a needle go through their flesh? The car ride home is the same, none of us speaking, and though I can't stand the silence, I can't quite bring myself to talk to them. I feel horrible, making this such a big ordeal. Kendall and Carlos are being nice about it, but I don't know how to feel about that. I don't really deserve their kindness after acting like such a jerk to them.
Once back inside apartment 2J, I attempt to head into the kitchen to clean up my mess, but Kendall and Carlos don't let me anywhere near it, pushing me towards the couch instead. Feeling guilty, I sit down, trying to focus on the TV, skimming through the channels before finally turning on National Geographic. I don't really pay attention to it, though. This is the channel Logan likes to watch, not me, but nothing else seems right to put on. It's three thirty, which is when Logan gets to watch what he wants. After several more minutes, Kendall and Carlos come and sit down on either side of me, Carlos giving me a weird look.
"You're watching National Geographic?" he asks, and I shake my head.
"Not really," I say, and then shrug. "It's three thirty." Kendall catches on quick, eyes widening slightly as he realizes what I'm doing.
"James, you can watch whatever you want," he says gently. "Logan's not here."
"I know that," I snap, and then I feel awful. "I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm going to my room." I get up before either of them can say anything else and practically run to my room, closing the door softly before turning to glance around, childishly hoping that Logan will be there, waiting for me. But, of course, he's not, and my heart thumps painfully. However, there is something quite familiar resting on Logan's bed, and my heart speeds up as I slowly walk towards it. With shaking hands I reach for the neon pink envelope, time seeming to slow as I open it. Inside is a single DVD, and written across its front in sharpie is "Video #1."
Dun, dun, dun! Sorry for the cliffhanger; I just couldn't help myself. I'll try to update again soon so you guys won't have to wait too long.