Hey Guys, thanks for reading and reviewing. Again I know you are not loving Brett/Janet and Eddie/Cassie but I have been listening to a lot of Adele lately and am feeling very angst but this is all leading up to a moment I have had planned from the very beginning. A few more chapters to go…This chapter is about why Janet is so insecure and why she had so many trust issues. The show never really got into her back story.

God it felt good to slam the door, the nerve of Eddie to kiss her like that. Who did he think he was. Sure it felt good, it almost felt right but he asked another woman to be his wife after eight months of dating. They had dated for nearly that long and she couldn't even get an I love you out of him. Flustered Janet made her way to the kitchen, thank god for Hannah she had stocked it with a few of Janet's favorite things: Beer, cheese puffs and red vines. Taking one of each, Janet sat on her sofa and cracked into the bag of cheese puffs shoving two into her mouth.

"Oh my Christ these are so effing good..." Janet turned on the TV, looking for a distraction, massive fail. Her mind kept drifting back to him. Why was it so hard just to talk to him, why had it always been so difficult to listen. She had replayed their entire relationship over in her head, trying to figure out why everything went wrong and how Eddie could be engaged now. "Hey J I am back..." a shocked look flashed across Rory's face, Janet was surrounded by three empty beer bottles, a half eaten bag of cheese puffs and was wrapping a red vine around her finger "What happened here?""Eddie kissed me is what happened." Janet said flatly"EDDIE WHAT! What did you do." Rory was hoping for something like this to happen."Oh me, I kissed him back, then I yelled at him then I ran away and then I did this." Janet waved her hands over the carnage."Wow, so much for just friends... Like that was ever possible anyway. Do you want to talk about it?" "Honestly I don't. How was lunch with your mom?""Awful."

"Hey Allison, I am sorry to bug you but can I talk to Owen for a minute?" Eddie drove around for a bit after kissing Janet, he felt lost and he went to the one person who might be able to help.

"Hey buddy, what goes on?"

"I kissed Janet, that's what goes on."

"To be honest with you Eddie, it was just a matter of time. I mean I don't condone the cheating on your fiancée part." Eddie cringed "But you and Janet are this years Nick and Hannah. Fighting like hell what you are feeling. Janet is your Angela Eddie, always has been always will be. Don't get me wrong Cassie, she is great sweet funny and she loves you but she ain't the one."

"Janet doesn't want me O, if she did we wouldn't be here in the first place. I had to move on."

"Eddie, Janet wants you, god you must be blind. She is just scared you two really fucked it up last time. But you cant string Cassie along either."

Eddie left Owen feeling no better, Cassie had been there for him after Janet left, she showed him that he could return to the living and not just screw whatever passed by, she deserved happiness she deserved a faithful man in body and mind.

Hours later Janet was still worked up, she felt anger, regret, guilt. She wanted to talk to Eddie, really talk to him but she wasn't sure if she should. When she slipped out of her house a little after eleven, she tried to convince herself it was just to go for a walk to clear her head. But fifteen minutes later she was standing on the porch at 32 Gelson. She didn't knock, she just opened the door and walked in. Pizza Girl and Phil were asleep on the sofa, like usual The soft glow from the TV illuminating their peaceful faces. It was nice that some things really didn't change. She tip toed up the stairs and stood in front of Eddie's room, she knocked softly and he said come in. He was lying in his bed, legs stretched, hands folded behind his head. His face lit up when he saw here standing in his doorway, again memories came flooding back to him. "Janet? What are you doing here?""I felt bad for how I left before. I think I overreacted and I just needed to talk to you." Eddie sat up and waved her over to sit next to him. "You know we never really talked when we were together, we bantered, we joked, we argued but talking not so much. Even when we were friends it was all fluff." Eddie nodded in agreement. Janet sat Indian style on his bed, directly in from of him. "I want to tell you a story, It's something that I have never told anyone, not even Hannah but I think you need to hear it because...It might help you understand why I was how I was when we were together." Janet wasn't sure if she should go on, she was going down a road that was unfamiliar. Eddie placed his hands on top of hers. "Janet, tell me." Janet took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "My mom, she grew up here in the Ridge, in the same house that I live in now. She went to college in Boston and met my dad. They got married and had me and everyone assumed that life was good. But the truth is… my dad…was a raging alcoholic and I don't have a single sober memory of him, not a single one." Janet was choosing her words very carefully trying to not let her emotions get the best of her. "He used to beat my mom and me too." Janet couldn't look Eddie in the eye, and she kept wringing her hands as she spoke. Eddie's entire body tensed, the thought of anyone lifting a hand to Janet. He had seen pictures of her as a child. She was a sweet curly headed beautiful girl, he didn't want imagine that little girl hiding or crying in pain. "When he wasn't hitting me he was telling me I was useless or ugly or a million other hateful things. And it became my normal. You know it's amazing what you can get used to. I always tried to do what ever I could to keep him happy but I never could for long." Janet's voice trailed off and for several moments she was lost in thought. Eddie felt like he was getting a look inside of Janet, like some one had handed him a key and he was finally able to open her up."Why did your mom stay?" "She loved him... more then she loved me... more then she loved herself... and she didn't want people to know the truth. She was a very prideful woman. One night we got a phone call from some bar to come and pick him up. I told my mom just to leave him there but she went anyway. I never saw her again. They got in an accident and she died and my dad well he walked away with two stitches. Two." Janet couldn't stop the tears now. Eddie reached across and wiped them away. "I would always think about her last few minutes, if she was fighting with my dad, distracted. Or maybe he grabbed the wheel. He wouldn't tell me what happened."

"Jem, I am so sorry.""After that my dad just got so much worse, I had just stared my junior year, You know back in Providence I was popular, I played softball, I was varsity Freshman and Sophomore year. I pitched two no hitters and we won state."Eddie was truly surprised "I had no idea… you never said. I mean you always kicked ass when we had the Sully's softball games but...""Yeah I always planned on getting a scholarship but things happened and I was never really the same. A few weeks after my mom died I wanted money for some class trip thing and he wouldn't give me any. We got in this huge fight and he..." Janet had to stop, this was a day she hadn't allowed herself to think about for years. "He what Jem?""He beat the shit out of me, like Matt Lauche grade. Four broken ribs, broken wrist, fingers. bruised kidneys. I was in the hospital for two weeks. My mothers parents, Nana and Pop came down from the Ridge and with Gram and Gramps decided the best thing to do was to get me out of Providence. Word had got around at school what had happened, everyone was talking and my dad ran off, I never saw him again. "So that's why you started mid year like that." "Yeah.""And why you were so quiet and withdrawn.""I guess so." Everything about Janet clicked into place, like a row of falling dominoes. "I used to spend a lot of time alone just walking around the Ridge. I didn't have any friends, except for maybe Rooster. I had known him years before spending summers with Nana and Pop."

"I didn't know that. You used to summer in the Ridge?"

"Yeah for few weeks, each summer. My first kiss was with Rooster, summer after 8th grade. He dared me to do it actually." Janet laughed, it was nice to think of Rooster and not be angry. " So when I first moved here I would just walk around, with my note book and a camera and get lost. I know every road, every shortcut, every secret place the Ridge has to offer. That's how I met Brett, he was home from College, for spring break. He was driving along and saw me coming out of the woods. Asked if I wanted a ride, I was miles away from home. I knew he was Owen's brother. And we just started hanging out, taking, going on long rides. Flipping a coin to see if we should go left or right. He was a jerk even then, but I always knew where I stood with him, you know. I didn't have to guess. If he was thinking something he said it. And I needed that, I guess I still do.""Do you love him?" Janet took a moment before she answered. It was hard to explain what she felt for Brett, all those years of shared history. "No, not like in the way I should or the way I love you... err... loved you." Eddie face fell when she used the past tense.

'No LOVE you. I am being honest. Not the way I love you" Janet couldn't even look Eddie in the eye. Her stomach was in knots but she couldn't pretend that she wasn't feeling what she was feeling. "But I don't know, no one thinks we make sense, Hell we don't think we make sense. I mean he sees other people, I see other people. But when he had chest pains two months ago, I got a call at 2am and I was there with him and when I freak out about one thing or another or when I first got to NY and I was a mess. He took care of me." "And you let him?" Janet nodded "You never really let me take care of you, not really." "I know and I am sorry, I just didn't know how. And you never really let me in Eddie. Not really. I never knew what you were thinking or feeling. I was always guessing, I felt like I needed a decoder ring. Even now, I cant figure out where your head is at. I mean you're engaged to a girl you have been dating for eight months. When Hannah told me I was beyond shocked. How can you be engaged to her so quickly when you couldn't tell me you loved me? ""I just thought you knew. I had never told anyone that I loved them and meant it before. I don't know I just was scared of losing you. And scared of needing you as much as I did. So I kept you at a distance sometimes. And what I feared happened. I lost you. When you first left Jem I was having a real hard time. It was a good six months before I could do anything really. I was drawn to Callie because she reminded me of you. She was funny and sweet and she wasn't trying to impress me she just was you know easy. She was not impressed by the Hail Eddie thing and she spoke her mind and…""And she is very beautiful.""Yes she is. And so are you Jem." Janet cringed. "Janet you must see that now how beautiful you are.""You know Eddie. You lose 30 pounds and the world sees you differently but I still have to lose the 30 years of snakes in my head."Eddie nodded trying to understand how it must feel to be beaten down your whole life and try and see yourself on s positive light. "The night I proposed was at Nick and Hannah's engagement party. You were suppose to come but then didn't. I was amped up all week wanting to see you and then you didn't show I felt like I was a live wire. And then Owen and Allison just announced they were having a baby and Callie and I were drinking and dancing and I don't know it just happened and she said yes. I love her Janet I do, but I don't crave her or need her the way I do you. I just can't explain it. Seeing you again. I can't pretend. Janet you are the love of my life."

"Eddie, you are the love of mine."

"So why are we apart Janet? WHY?"

"Because we made so many mistakes, we were at such a disadvantage… neither one of us ever really being in a relationship, we fell into every pothole, every sand trap."

"Yup me made a huge mess."

"And then I ran…"

"And then you ran." Eddie whispered. "Maybe if you would have stayed or maybe if I hadn't waited so long…To forgive you." Janet's eyes widened.

"Have you forgiven me, really?" Eddie looked at Janet, really looked at her. Gone was the anger and hate and disappointment.

"Yes Jem, I have. But have you forgiven yourself?"

"I am not sure, I hope so." Janet smiled the smallest of smiles and a tear slowly fell from her cheek. "Look, it's late. We have talked more tonight then the entire time we were together." Janet gigged nervously as she stood to leave. Eddie stood with her and wrapped her arms around her. "I don't know Eddie, there are no easy answers."

"No, no there are not." Eddie rested his chin on her head. "I miss you so much. I didn't really understand how much until you came back." Janet tightened her arms around him.

"I should go Eddie, before this goes down a road that neither one of us want." Janet pulled away and Eddie released her. He smiled knowing what she meant.

"Are you going to Sam's game Wednesday?"

"I wouldn't miss it, I am going to be the crazy lady screaming up front with the crazy blond next to her."

"Ok, good I will see you there."

Janet left feeling better but still sad, they had really resolved nothing but at least they got to talk. Just as Janet crawled into bed for the night her cell phone rang.

"Hey you…"

"Hey Brett."

"You don't sound good J what's wrong? "

"Brett, this is just so… hard… being here." Janet Started to cry. "Now I know why Nick stayed away for ten years this has been fucking brutal. I met Eddie's fiancée Cassie and she is really sweet and perfect and then today Eddie kissed me and…"

"He kissed you huh, I knew that was coming J you had to have too."

"I really didn't, I mean really. Fuck, I just don't know what's up or down anymore."

"Yes you do, Knights Ridge is up and New York is down."

"Very funny, Jerk."

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Um, it's a girls day, last dress fitting, manis and pedis and then we are going to the Flats for dinner. Why?"

"Ok, I will finish up all my work tomorrow and will drive up Wednesday instead."

"REALLY?"

"Yes really. You need some backup."

"You know you're the best right."

"Yes, I know."

Eddie was sitting in the bleachers, Cassie tucked under his arm when he saw Janet and Brett make their way on to the field. Hannah and Nick said their hellos and Eddie wondered why Brett had gotten there a day early.

"Edward Arthur Latekka."

"Bad Boy Brett. I wish I could say it's good to see you but it never is." Eddie and Brett both laughed.

"Hey Cassie, Hannah and I are going to watch from the sidelines if you want to join us. We can yell at the ref better from over there." Janet wanted to make an effort to include her. Cassie was surprised, cracking into Eddie tight knit group had been hard for her and she was happy for the open invite in.

"Yeah, that would be great thanks" Eddie nodded to Janet a small thank you and Brett took Cassie's place in the bleachers.

"So Cassie, Hannah says you are going to be a teacher?" Janet was trying to get to know her.

"Uh, yeah. I am in my final year, right now its finals and I am losing my mind."

"Oy, I remember finals. Sucked." Cassie and Janet shared a nervous laugh. " So you are from Boston right?"

"Yeah, born and raised." Come on Cassie help me out, ask me something…

"I'm sorry Janet, you make me kind of nervous. All I have heard for months is about Janet and Eddie and here you are. I feel like I cant be myself."

"I know what you mean actually, when Rory came back to town I felt the same way but now she is my BFF."

"Hey!" Hannah shouted

"Ok sorry, my 2nd BFF." Janet wrapped her arm around Hannah's shoulder. "I'm just saying we all have history, isn't that right Hannah?"

"We're a tight little incestuous group…" Hannah giggled.

"But once you're in you're in" Janet finished. Cassie smiled and tried to relax.

The girls watched the game clapping, yelling and chest bumping, Sam was quite the short stop and his team was in the lead for the entire game. Eddie watched Janet and Cassie but mostly Janet and Brett watched Eddie watching her.

"Eddie, come and walk with me for a minute."

"Jesus Brett, really."

"Yeah, really." Eddie followed Brett closer to the fence by the parking lot. He crossed his arms across his chest.

"Ok, Brett say what you need to say." Eddie figured Janet had told him about the kiss and he was about to hear it.

"You know, I love Janet. I would never tell her that because that's not what we do. But I love her. But I know I can't really give her what she needs, maybe what she think she wants… but what she needs, only you can do that Eddie. I am sitting here watching you watch Janet and thinking that poor girl wearing your ring, does she know. I mean she's not dumb so she must see it. We all see it for Christ's sake. No one thinks you're actually going to marry her. Except for maybe Janet." Eddie was shocked into silence. "I waited for you to come for her, every month that passed… I expected it but you never did. So I am giving you one shot Eddie, ONE. And if you fuck this up, I am going to take her back to New York and I swear I am going to marry her and try to make her happy."

"What are you saying Brett?" The stones that Brett had telling him about Janet and Cassie.

"I am saying cut the shit, let Cassie off the hook, tell Janet how you feel and get your head out of your ass. Was that clear enough for you. You didn't see her when she first got to NY, you have no idea." Brett's voice trailed off and a pained look flashed across his face "If you do that to her again, nothing will be able to save you from me. NOTHING." Eddie realized in the moment how much Brett really cared for Janet, loved her even. And he loved her enough to give her what she needed. Brett left Eddie standing there and went back to Janet wrapping his arms around her from behind. While he still could…

Cassie had been keeping a close eye on Eddie since Janet had gotten back into town. For weeks all anyone would talk about was Janet's impending return to the Ridge. Eddie always became silent and sullen when her name was brought up. She had asked him ten of times what happed with Janet, but all he would say is that they broke each others hearts and she had to leave. Over time she had gotten bits and pieces but the more she knew the less she wanted to know. Janet had seeped into to every part of Eddies life, Sully's, his house, the shop. She would find things, notes, photos, bits and pieces of memories scattered like breadcrumbs in Eddie life. It got to the point where she just couldn't go anymore, to the house on Gelson, Sully's, it was to hard being surrounded by a ghost. But today at Sam's softball game everything came into focus. Eddie sat on the bleachers, watching Janet. He watched her laugh, pull her hair up, tie her shoe. He smiled, this small content smile and his eyes were bright. Cassie realized that he never looked like that around her. Not once in all the time they had been together. She knew it was coming, they sat in her apartment that night, and his mind was off, deep in thought like he was fighting a battle that had no winner.

"Ed, look at me." Eddie looked up from the TV that he was pretending to watch.

"Yeah Cas?"

"Just say it please, I know its coming. Its written all over your face."

"Cassie, what are you talking about?"

"Ed, you and Janet, I see how you look at her and how she tries to not look at you. I hear all the whispers, I saw you and Brett in a heated conversation today. Look. Ed…"

"Cassie, I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I thought I had it back. I really did. I never would have…"

"I know."

"But now that she is here, I can't let her go again. I am so very sorry. This is so unfair to you, you have been amazing. But…"

"But she is the love of your life." Once the tears started Eddie felt like a son of a bitch, he wanted her to yell or throw something. But instead she just stood there strong, understanding and crying.

"Ed, could you go."

" I can't until I know you are ok."

"I am, when we met I thought this will be fun, I heard all the stories. And when we got serious I always knew it was going to end, even when you asked me to marry you I never really saw us ever walking down the aisle. Did you?" Eddie shook his head no. "See, the lucky thing for me is… you're not the love of my life either."

"Brett, what's going on you seem off tonight." They were are their way back to Janet's from the baseball game. Brett who was usually vibrant and talkative, was almost sullen, pensive. "Are you OK?" Janet asked rubbing her hand across his broad shoulder.

"I am fine J, its fine." The rest of the ride was in complete silence. They pulled into Janet's drive way, she leaned in a gave Brett a peck on the cheek.

"Thank you for coming early, I almost kinda missed you." Her words went right through him. "You want to order some Pizza for dinner tonight, I really don't have energy for much else."

"You know what J I think I am going to crash at O's tonight."

"What? Why?"

"I think you know why, It was a mistake coming here."

"Brett..."

"You love him J, its plain to see. You don't really want me tonight. And I don't want to be what you wake up regretting tomorrow. I would hope that in all these years you never woke up and regret me, and I think tomorrow you would."

"Brett, its not like that, really. Is this because I told you we kissed. He is engaged."

"Not for long Janet, trust me I know. Come on don't make this any harder, out you go." He gave her one, lingering kiss on the lips. "I hate you." He whispered before he ushered her out of his car.

Janet was stunned, did Brett just breakup with her? Where they ever really together. This had been the most confusing few days of her life, everything was changing. Janet stormed into her front door and threw her purse on the floor.

"Rory, you wanna go to Sully's and get shit faced?" Rory looked up from the sofa.

"Hell yeah I do."

Janet picked up her cell and Called Hannah and Pizza Girl, asked the same question and got the same answer. Twenty minutes later the foursome was seated at a high-top table, on their second shot.

"I saw Ray this morning." Janet announced "In town, we had coffee."

"Really how was that?" Hannah asked her stomach twisting.

"He asked about you actually."

"I am sure he did."

"He wanted to know if you were happy, how Sam was. It was actually ok. We would speak from time to time, he was watching my house while I was gone. After the wedding that shall not be named we had an understanding of sorts."

"He's back with Christine right?"

"Yes, and she is already making him miserable." They all shared in a laugh "He said that Matt is getting out of jail in a few weeks, that was a quick year."

"Wow, already. Does Eddie know." Pizza Girl asked pouring another round of shots.

""I am not sure, tell him when you see him OK."

"Tell Eddie what?" His voice came from behind her and Janet jumped.

"Hey Eddie." Rory and Pizza Girl said in unison.

"Tell Eddie what?" he asked again

"Uh.. Matt Lauche is getting out of the clink in a few weeks." Pizza Girl answered.

"Yeah, I got a letter. Mind if I join you ladies." Eddie pulled up a stool and sat right next to Janet. "So what brought you all out here this late?"

"Janet wanted to get shit faced." Rory offered.

"Miss Meadows, I am shocked and appalled." Eddie poured a shot in her glass and drank it never taking his eyes off of her. "Where is Bad Boy tonight?" he asked pouring another shot.

"Owen's" Janet grabbed the shot before Eddie could and drank it.

"Cassie?"

"Cassie... she is back at her apartment. We broke up actually." All the girls at the table gasped. Janet sat there her face like stone, successfully masking the wealth of emotions she was feeling.

"You what?" Pizza girl asked unable to hide her excitement. Rory grabbed Janet's knee under the table.

"We broke up."

"Why?" Rory asked trying to get a read on Janet.

"She didn't like the fact that I was in love with someone else." Eddie and Janet didn't take their eyes off each other. Janet let a small smile escape and Eddie took it as an invitation. Before he could second guess himself he put his hand on the back of Janet's neck and pulled her into him. His lips on hers, finally with no guilt or worry. He wrapped his arms around her pulling her close, his mouth finally where it was always meant to be. Janet surrendered to him, she could no longer deny herself.

"Ok ladies I think that's our cue." Hannah announced standing "Let's go to the bar." The girls trotted away giddy.

There kiss was all consuming, his hot mouth exploring hers, every breath, the way his stubble felts against her skin, his hand tightening around her waist. Eddie finally broke away realizing they were in a very public place. "We should go." Janet Just nodded. Eddie took her hand and lead her out of Sully's to his truck. He pushed her against it, the cold metal on her back and kissed her again his mouth never leaving hers, this time he allowed his hands to explore her body that was familiar and yet new all at the same time. Just the feel of her under his hands, her back, her belly, he slid his hands under her shirt and unsnapped her bra, she moaned when his rough hands caressed her aching breasts.

"Janet…" He whispered her name over and over again. "We should go." She looked up at him and smiled. Eddie cocked his head slightly. "Springbay Road?" They both said in unison…