Alright, this chapter is where the M rating really kicks in, but I can't say more without giving things away. This is also the first time I've written something like this, so hopefully it's believable and not completely terrible. Hopefully you guys didn't wait too long for the update. I promise this chapter doesn't have a cliffhanger.
For a long time, all I do is stare at the DVD in my hands, torn between the need to watch it and the fear of seeing its contents. I can't really breathe, or maybe I'm just forgetting how to, my mind a bunch of jumbled thoughts. Will Logan be in the video? What will he look like? I don't think I'll be able to see him hurt without completely breaking down again. My stomach churns painfully, and I sit down on Logan's bed, feeling like I'm going to throw up. Maybe I should tell Carlos and Kendall and we could watch it together... That wouldn't be so bad, right? They could comfort me if I see something that upsets me. My eyes flicker to the door, but I make no move to get up. The kidnapper left this envelope in my room. Maybe I'm supposed to keep it a secret. But, how did he get into the apartment?
"Keep it together, James," I mutter to myself. "There's nothing to be afraid of, right? After all, it's just a video..." There's a knock on the door, startling me so bad I drop the DVD. It goes rolling under the bed, and I calm my pounding heart before getting up to open the door. I'm not surprised to see Carlos, standing there awkwardly.
"Just wanted to make sure you were okay," he says softly, looking down at his feet. I swallow hard, glancing back at the bed. Should I tell him? How will he react? "James?"
"Hmm?" I say, looking back at him. "I'm fine, Carlos." He stares at me for a moment, his eyes searching my own. I end up looking away, hoping he won't see the battle raging in my head right now.
"Okay," he says finally, his voice just barely above a whisper. "You need anything?" I shake my head, forcing a small smile.
"Nope. I'm good." He nods before turning and walking away, and I sigh, closing the door once he's gone from my sight. I hate pushing everyone away, but I just don't feel like I deserve their comfort. I must be a horrible person if fate decided to take away Logan, the one person I love more than life itself. Well, maybe that's not a good comparison, seeing as Logan IS my life... All I know is I love him a lot. Why didn't I tell him that before he left for the grocery store? Why did I just assume he would be back? I'm so stupid! Why can't I just be as perfect as Logan is? I don't even deserve his love. I'm just James Diamond, the self-centered pretty boy, the "face." But Logan, he's so much more than that, and I never told him. I just always hoped he could see it in my eyes, and now I'll never be able to tell him.
I slowly make my way to the bed, collapsing to my knees next to it and reaching around underneath until my fingers hit the rounded edge of the DVD. I don't look at it as I pull it out from underneath the bed, afraid I'll just stare at it again if I see it. I silently thank Logan for letting me put a TV and DVD player in our bedroom as I stand back up, subconsciously holding my breath as I walk to the dresser. I turn on the TV and put in the DVD, biting my lip as I hit play.
Logan appears on the screen, tied to a bed. I quickly scan his body, sighing in relief when the only injury I see is a bruise on his left cheekbone. His eyes are closed, and if it wasn't for the rapid rising of his chest I would think he was asleep. It's silent for several seconds, and then a door opens somewhere off camera, and Logan's eyes snap open, wide with fear. My stomach sinks as whoever entered appears on screen, his back turned to the camera. The man is wearing a dark blue hoodie, effectively covering the back of his head.
"Hello there, Logan," he says, laughing when my dark-haired lover starts to cry silently. Oh, Logan... My poor Logan... "No need to cry, now." The man places a hand on Logan's cheek, and he turns his head away.
"Don't touch me," he says weakly. Smirking, his kidnapper grabs hold of his chin, forcing Logan to look him in the eyes.
"You'd better get used to it," he says, stroking the bruise on Logan's cheekbone with his thumb. "Does this hurt?"
"Yeah," Logan says softly, and then his eyes narrow slightly, his voice raising a few octaves. "That's where my face hit the hood of the car."
"It never would have happened if you'd just listened to me."
"And let you kidnap me?" Logan snaps, voice growing louder. "And I told you not to touch me!" The man just chuckles.
"Getting an attitude now, are we?" he mutters, moving his hand to run it down Logan's neck and chest. My boyfriend shivers and closes his eyes tightly. "I like touching you."
"Why are you doing this?" Logan asks, his voice soft once again. "What do you want?"
"I want you," Hoodie replies simply, lifting the hem of Logan's shirt a bit. "You will finally be mine."
"I already have a boyfriend." Logie pulls at his restraints, eyes opening to look around in desperation.
"You won't ever see James again."
"Please stop," Logan says as the man's hand travels up his bare chest, pulling his shirt up even more. He begins crying once more, squirming, and I want to look away, but my eyes are glued to the screen. Silent tears begin rolling down my own cheeks. Why am I being shown this? Logan whimpers as his kidnapper pushes his shirt up all the way, pulling it behind his head. He squirms even more, knees lifting as he tries to pull his ankles free.
"Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you," the man says gently, reaching for Logan's belt. "Much."
"Don't!" my poor Logan cries, a loud sob escaping his throat. "No!" His kidnapper ignores his pleas, undoing his belt and pushing his pants and boxers down to his ankles.
"So beautiful," he murmurs, running a finger down my boyfriend's length, humming in satisfaction. I feel sick once again, tears dripping onto my shirt. I stumble backwards until I reach my bed, falling down onto it as I helplessly watch my Logan get raped.
"No! Stop!" he screams, still squirming. "Please don't..." I stop breathing, my heart racing as the man pulls down his own pants and boxers in one fluid motion, climbing onto the bed. He's hard, clearly turned on by my shorter lover's pleas. As he positions himself between Logan's legs, I let out a soft, agonized whimper. Please don't... Oh god...
"I've waited so long to do this..."
"No!" Logan screams again, pulling against his restraints with all his strength, voice choked with sobs. Hoodie slowly pushes in, not even bothering to prepare him, and Logan lets out a blood-curdling scream, body going limp in defeat. "No, no, no..." I have to look away, unable to watch as Logan's kidnapper slides in and out of him, a look of pure glee on his face. But I can still hear Logan's screams, and my heart breaks over and over and over again until there's nothing left. How could anyone be this cruel? How could they do something so awful?
"There, all done," the man says after another few minutes, and I glance up, finally throwing up when I take in Logan's sobbing form. Thankfully, I manage to lean over the bed and puke on the floor instead of on my blankets, but I don't even really care at the moment. The kidnapper pulls out of him, and there's blood. Oh god... I throw up again before jumping to my feet, turning off the TV before I can hear any more of my lover's sobs. I eject the DVD and place it back in the envelope, hiding it under some shoe boxes in my closet. I can't show Kendall and Carlos. It will be too much for them, and, well...I feel it's a bit private. Obviously, the kidnapper wanted me to see it if he placed it in my room... I just stand there for a moment in silence, and then it becomes too much, and I'm racing out the door and downstairs to the living room, practically throwing myself onto Kendall's lap. I sob into his shoulder, needing some kind of comfort. I know neither him nor Carlos will ask questions, so I won't have to lie to them. I don't have to tell them anything, and they'll still be there for me. I'm extremely selfish for doing this, but I can quite bring myself to care. I just watched Logan get raped... And it was "Video #1." There's going to be more, obviously... Oh, my poor, sweet Logan...
"Shh, it's okay," Kendall soothes, rubbing my back. "Logan's going to be fine." He doesn't know... He doesn't know anything! Of course, that's kind of my fault... I'm a horrible person for not telling them. I just...I can't... If I say it out loud, it will just become official. If I keep it quiet, I can just pretend that Logan's fine, that he's not being raped by some strange man, all alone, sobbing... Oh, who am I kidding?
"He needs me, Kendall! He needs me!" I sob, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. "I'm such a bad boyfriend! I can't save him!"
"This isn't your fault, Jamie."
"Yes, it is!" I whisper, pulling away from him. "I should have went with him, or called him, or..." I shut my mouth, feeling sick once again. Kendall seems to notice this, because in an instant he's pulling me into his arms and carrying me to the bathroom, Carlos following behind.
"Just breathe," Carlos says gently as Kendall places me down by the toilet. "It's alright. You're okay."
"I threw up in my room," I mutter, blushing slightly. "I should go clean it up..."
"No," Kendall says. "I'll go clean it up. You're sick. Just stay here and try to calm down." He leaves the room, and I feel like such a little kid. First I broke a bowl, cut my hand, broke down sobbing in Kendall's arms, and now he's cleaning up my barf. I feel so helpless...
"Calm down, Jamie," Carlos says softly, rubbing my back like Kendall had. "I know you're worried about Logan, but the police are looking for him. He's strong enough to survive until then." Yeah, he can survive. He just, you know, has to endure rape! I push Carlos away from me, getting up.
"I'm taking a shower. Get out."
"But, James-" I push Carlos out the door before he can finish, closing and locking it before stripping. I turn on the water before stepping into the shower, ignoring the burning as I sink to my knees. I let the hot water wash away my tears, closing my eyes and leaning my head against the wall. The sound of the water pushes out all thoughts of Logan and what I just saw, and I enjoy the temporary peace, letting the water wash away all the pain. I know I'm going to be in here a while, and Ms. Knight will probably complain about me using a bunch of water, but I'm willing to pay the price. Right now, I'm comfortable, and it's a blessing to be able to actually feel good.
I'm not sure how long I'm in the shower, but when I finally get out, the warm water has been replaced with cold, and my fingers and toes are all wrinkly. I never even actually washed my hair or body. I just sat there, clearing my head, but now that the cool air is hitting my body, everything is coming back to me. I quickly wrap a towel around myself, frowning as I remember I have no clean clothes to change into. I guess I could always just change into my dirty clothes until I reach my bedroom...
"James?" There's a knock on the door. "I brought you some clean clothes..." I grin ever so slightly as I unlock the door and take the clothes from Carlos.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome," he says, smiling before leaving again, and I quickly get dressed, blow-drying my soaking wet hair. It's not that I'm really thinking about my looks at the moment; I just don't like walking around with wet hair. I gather my wet towel and dirty clothes and throw them in the hamper before heading out into the living room.
"Oh, James, you should probably change the bandages on your hands," Ms. Knight says when she sees me. "They're all wet. Here, I'll do it." She grabs my arm and brings me to the kitchen table, sitting me down before unwrapping them. "Oh, you poor thing..."
"Um, actually, it's kind of my fault," I mutter, embarrassed. "I was being stupid." Ms. Knight gives me a sympathetic look before wrapping new bandages around my hands.
"There. All better."
"Thanks," I mutter, offering her a small, grateful smile before getting up and grabbing an apple, taking a small bite and heading back to the living room.
"Hey, James," Katie greets from the couch, snuggled next to her brother. I force a smile and sit down on her other side.
"Hey, Katie. How was your day?"
"It was okay," she says, shrugging. "Boring." I nod, turning my attention to the TV. A movie is playing, though I'm not sure what. No one seems to be really watching it, anyway.
"Where's Carlos," I ask, a bit curious. But, really, I'm just trying to take my mind off of Logan.
"He's in our room," Kendall replies, glancing over at me. "He said he was tired." My gaze travels to the clock, and I'm surprised to see that it's already eight. I was in the shower a lot longer than I thought...
"And you're not tired?" I ask Kendall, raising an eyebrow. "You pretty much had to take care of me all day..." I look away, ashamed.
"Truthfully, I'm exhausted," he admits, and I frown. "But not because of you. I was up pretty much all night, worried about Logan."
"I didn't sleep all that great, either," I mutter. "I kept waking up..." I finish my apple quickly, using the core as an excuse to get up. I throw it away before heading back upstairs, pausing outside Kendall and Carlos's bedroom door when I hear crying coming from inside. I lean against the door for a moment, debating whether or not I should go in. I'm not exactly the best person to cheer up Carlos, but he's been nice to me all day, even when I didn't deserve it. I can't just leave him... Sighing, I quietly open the door and peek in. Carlos is sitting on his bed, head in his hands, back facing me. He's shaking slightly, and I hurry over to him, wrapping him in a hug. Neither one of us says anything, but that's okay. All we need is the other, to not be alone, and the pain becomes slightly bearable.
So, what do you guys think?