I am so so so sorry for not updating in like, a week! I know I left you at a bit of a cliffhanger. I've been writing so much lately, and I just needed a bit of a break. And then when I was finally going to write this next chapter, my writer's block came back. :( But, I'm pushing through it, so hopefully this chapter is okay. I feel like I'm repeating myself with all of James's emotions… Review and let me know what you think!
"I don't understand. How could he not be on the surveillance footage?" I ask, practically shouting.
"Look, I don't know how this kidnapper is getting into your apartment, but it's not through the front door," the police officer replies, and I sit down on the couch, burying my face in my hands. I can't believe this. We were so close to catching that horrible guy, and now we're back to where we started.
"Is it safe to stay here?" Ms. Knight speaks up, eyes still red from her tears. Her and Katie had gotten home a few minutes after Kendall called the police, and after seeing Carlos sobbing on the couch, she had demanded to know what happened. We didn't show her the video; we couldn't, but Kendall was quick to explain. We had sent Katie to her room so she didn't hear, but she must have been eavesdropping, because she had locked herself in her room and won't come out.
"That's your decision," the officer says. "The kidnapper doesn't seem to be interested in hurting any of you, and he only leaves the envelopes when there's no one home. But if you'd feel safer somewhere else, we can arrange something." Ms. Knight sighs, closing her eyes tightly for a moment.
"We might as well stay," she says softly, looking defeated. "We just have to make sure someone's home at all times, and that no one's home alone."
"It's alright, mom," Kendall says gently, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "We'll be okay. We're going to catch this guy." I roll my eyes, glancing at Carlos, who's sitting on the other side of the couch, staring at his hands. He's been like that ever since the police arrived, and though he's no longer crying, the helpless look in his eyes is so much worse.
"Well, there's not much more we can do here," the officer says. "Make sure to inform us if you receive another envelope, or if you see someone suspicious."
"Thank you," Kendall says as his mom starts to cry softly once again. Nodding, the officer heads to the door, leaving without another word. I watch him go, all hope I had of finding Logan disappearing. No one moves for a moment, and then Kendall gently leads his mom to her room, whispering soothing things into her ear. I look over at Carlos again, heart thumping painfully.
"Carlos?" I call quietly, scooting closer to him. "You okay, buddy?" Carlos doesn't respond. He doesn't even glance at me. "Carlos." I gently shake his shoulder, but he still doesn't show any signs of hearing me. "Come on, Carlitos, don't shut me out. I can't go through this alone." When he still doesn't acknowledge me, I stand up, blinking against the burning sensation in my eyes. This is exactly why I didn't want Kendall and Carlos to see the video. I knew it would upset them, and seeing Carlos like this makes me feel so alone, because if he can't be strong, what's the point of me being strong? And Ms. Knight... She can barely look at me now. I have no idea when, or if, Katie will come out of her room. Kendall is the only one still staying optimistic, but I can tell it's weighing him down. He'll break sooner or later.
Kendall comes back into the room, and I look away, heading into the kitchen. He doesn't follow me, and I sigh in relief, sitting down at the table and resting my head in my hands. How the hell is that guy getting into our apartment? And what is the purpose of those videos? Frustrated, I bring my fist down on the table, ignoring the pain that shoots up my arm.
"James?" Kendall calls from the living room, and I bring down my other fist, closing my eyes. "James, are you alright?" I hear him enter the kitchen, and look up at him, not even bothering to fake a smile like I've been doing lately. He frowns slightly, hurrying forward to rest a hand on my shoulder for comfort. "I know you're disappointed, but-"
"Don't," I interrupt. "Just don't." I shrug off his hand and stand up, turning away to pretend to look through the refrigerator.
"James-"
"Just stop it, Kendall!" I snap, turning to face him. "Nothing you say or do is going to help me feel better, okay? If you want to pester someone, why don't you go talk to Carlos?" I blink away tears, taking a deep breath. I won't cry, I won't cry, I won't cry...
"Carlos hasn't said a word since the police got here," Kendall says bitterly. "But I suppose you've been too occupied with your moping to realize."
"Actually, Kendall, I noticed," I say, voice rising an octave. "This is why I kept that video a secret! I knew it would upset you guys."
"Oh, and so you were just going to let us think he was okay? You were just going to suffer through this alone?"
"Yes!" I practically shout. "Because then you guys wouldn't have to feel this pain!" My voice lowers to a whisper. "I didn't want you guys to suffer like I am. And...I was scared. I didn't know what to do..." Kendall steps forward to wrap me in a hug, and I push him away, looking down at my feet.
"James?"
"I was serious when I said nothing you do will make me feel better," I mutter. "So don't try." I push past him, hurrying up the stairs to my room. Slamming the door behind me, I reach over and grab the closest thing to me, which happens to be the lamp. Biting my lip, I throw it across the room, stepping forward to pick up several shirts off the floor. I throw those, too, and pretty soon I'm ransacking the room, tearing the blankets and sheets off the beds, knocking things off of the dresser. When I've finally calmed down, collapsing to my knees, the room is a complete mess. The lamp is broken, lying in a corner. Clothes, blankets, pillows, and pretty much everything else is scattered over the floor. I tremble, looking around at my mess. It truly looks like a tornado hit the place, and regret washes over me. Now I'm going to have to clean all this up...
Sighing, I push myself to my feet, frowning. I take a few steps forward, and something crunches under my feet. Glancing down, my heart nearly stops, and I fall to my knees once again, picking up the broken picture frame. I brush away the shards of glass, gently taking the picture and dropping the ruined frame to the floor. It's a picture of Logan and I on our one-year anniversary, and I'm kissing his cheek. I smile slightly as I look at it. It's my favorite picture of us. Logan is laughing in the picture, his cheeks a light pink as he blushes.
The tears I've been holding back begin to fall, and I bring the picture close to my chest, holding it near my heart as grief overtakes me. I know I can't keep doing this, can't keep breaking down like this, but I don't know what else to do. No matter what I do or how I act, the pain just keeps coming back. I feel so trapped, like I'm running in circles. Just as I begin to think that I'll be okay, everything comes crashing down again, and I remember just how much I can't live without him. I didn't just lose a lover; I lost my best friend. I told Logan everything, and he was always there to comfort me. But now he's gone, and I feel so lost. Kendall and Carlos have tried to comfort me, but neither of them can replace Logan. Neither of them can help me through this. I'm just broken beyond repair.
My eyes scan the room once again, and I hang my head in defeat. I don't know what to do anymore. Searching for Logan would be stupid, seeing as I have no idea where he is, or the slightest idea who his kidnapper is. And even if I did go looking for him, I would go crazy every time I saw a guy wearing a hoodie, every time I caught a glimpse of raven-colored hair. I'm just not in the right state of mind to try and locate him. There's a soft knock on the door, but I don't even look up, knowing it's probably Kendall. I can't talk to anyone right now, especially not him.
"James?" The door slowly opens, and I hold back a sob, glancing up with tear-filled eyes. I don't see anyone at first, but then my eyes travel down and I gasp as I see Katie. Her hair is a mess, her eyes are red and puffy, and she's shaking slightly. Before I can even say anything, she's inside the room, running to me and latching onto my neck. When she still doesn't say anything else, I slowly wrap my arms around her, careful not to bend the picture I still hold in my hand. I let her cry into my shirt, trying to blink back my own tears.
"Katie?" I say softly, and she pulls back slightly to look at me.
"Oh, I'm sorry, James," she whispers. "I'm getting your shirt all wet…" I shake my head, gently rubbing her back.
"I don't care about the shirt," I say, wiping at my eyes. "What are you doing here? You locked yourself in your room and…" Katie buries her face in my shirt once again, trembling.
"I overheard you guys and mom talking," she mutters, her voice muffled. "And I heard about Logan…"
"Katie, we told you to go to your room," I say gently. "We didn't want you to hear that."
"I'm old enough to know," she says defiantly. "I know what rape is, James." My body tenses at the word, and I have to take several deep breaths so I won't burst into tears once again. "I came to you because you're the only one that would really understand." I frown slightly, lifting her chin to look her in the eyes.
"What do you mean?" I ask, eyebrows furrowing. "What about Kendall and-" She cuts me off.
"They just don't get it," she says quietly. "Kendall acts all tough, and Carlos is too comforting. You're the only one that understands that you just need to cry sometimes, James. You and me, we cry a lot, but Kendall and Carlos keep it all in."
"I don't think crying a lot is a good thing," I mutter, wiping away her tears with my thumb. "It just makes you seem weak and childish."
"No," Katie argues, shaking her head. "Crying means you've accepted what's happening, even though you're hurting. Before you showed them that video, neither Kendall nor Carlos had cried since finding out Logan was kidnapped. And they're not crying now because they don't want to believe what they saw."
"Katie, you are remarkably bright for your age," I say softly, tightening my arms around her. She smiles slightly, resting her head on my shoulder.
"I know," she says simply. "But it really is okay to cry, James. Sometimes you need to, just to relieve some of the pain." I pull away from her gently, standing up.
"You're right. I feel better now. Thank you so much, Katie." I bend down and kiss her forehead, and she nods, standing up herself. "I think your mom could use some of your wisdom. She's been pretty upset since we told her about the videos."
"Yeah…" she mutters, looking around the room. "What happened here?" I blush slightly, rubbing the back of my neck, a habit I picked up from Logan.
"I, uh, kind of lost it and ransacked the room," I reply, and she blinks, eyes still roaming the room.
"You realize you're going to have to clean this all up, right?"
"I know," I sigh. "Hey, maybe you could-" But she's already gone, and I frown before heading down to the kitchen to get a garbage bag. Carlos is still sitting in that same spot on the couch, staring at his hands, and Kendall is sitting next to him, glancing over at him every few seconds. Neither of them even acknowledge my presence, and even though I know I deserve it, it still kind of hurts. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be, but nothing is ever going to be the same again.
"Come on, Carlos, say something," Kendall mutters, and I slowly make my way to the living room, garbage bag in hand. "Logan's going to be okay, you'll see."
"I'm sorry," I mutter, and Kendall glances at me before looking back at Carlos.
"Please, buddy, just say something," Kendall whispers, and we both frown when Carlos still doesn't respond. Katie's words echo in my head, and I move to stand before them, bending to look Carlos in the eyes.
"It's okay to cry, Carlos," I say softly. "It's okay to feel upset. We're here for you, man."
"James, it's no use-"
"Come on, Carlos. Would Logan want you to just give up? You need to keep going," I whisper, and I know I hit a nerve, because he suddenly comes back to life, tears starting to fall.
"We're not going to find Logan!" he sobs. "What's the point in trying if we're just going to fail?" I take a step back as Kendall wraps his arms around our distraught friend. I swallow back the sudden tight feeling in my throat. "Logan's gone!"
"You're wrong, Carlos," Kendall says quietly. "We'll find him. I promise."
"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep," Carlos mutters, and I know I need to do something to calm him down. Seeing Carlos like this is too much at the moment, when I'm still so fragile from earlier. I grab his chin, forcing him to look me in the eyes.
"No matter what happens," I say calmly, my throat tight. "We will find him. I don't care how long it takes, or what I have to do, but I'll bring him back." Carlos sniffles, looking up at me with hope in his eyes.
"R-really?" he whispers. I nod, hoping I look more confident than I feel. "Promise?"
"I promise," I reply, forcing a small smile. "Logan will be home before you know it." He seems to believe my words, for he wipes his eyes and nods his head. Kendall looks up at me gratefully, but I just stare down at my feet, knowing I just made a promise I can't possibly keep. I'm such a horrible person…
And, there you go! It's not so bad, is it? I think it actually turned out pretty good, despite this stupid writer's block of mine…