Okay, so yeah, wow. I haven't updated in over a month. *cringes* This chapter just wasn't coming to me. I was soooo stuck on this. And, on top of that, I've got high school to deal with now. Homework and all that. And, on top of that, I've become a little rusty on writing this story. So, forgive me if this chapter isn't one of my best. I'm still trying to get back into it.
Also, I'd like to thank each and every one of you who have reviewed, favorited, alerted this story. And thank you so much for even reading it, and sticking with it.
The sun isn't nearly as brilliant once I'm outside. It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, and yet I can't seem to find happiness in its rays. My determination is masking my true feelings, hiding the desperation and fear that threatens to consume me. My hope is slowly evaporating, because what if he is dead? What if all that's waiting for me at the end of all this is his limp body? I can't live without him for that long. I can't feel this way for the rest of my life.
Slowly, I begin walking forward, trying desperately not to become discouraged. My legs are shaking, my heart is thrashing around in my chest, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. There are no clues, no leads, nothing. He's waiting for me to find him, and I'm letting him down more and more with each passing minute. He's hurt, and scared, and he needs me.
"What am I going to do?" I whisper to myself, glancing around at my surroundings. The Palm Woods Park is mostly empty, only several people walking around this early in the morning. The streets of LA are another story. Already, there are cars filling up the roads, making it near impossible to get anywhere on foot. With a sigh, I find a spot on a sidewalk to just stand and watch the cars going by. There's nothing more I can do at the moment, and I feel like such a failure. And as I watch car after car pass, my determination is slowly crumbling away. Holding back tears, I turn around, intent on finding a place where I can curl up and will myself to die, because let's face it, I'll never find him. But as I look up, I find myself face to face with a brown-eyed, freckle-faced brunette. I blink in surprise, taking a step back as I take her in, curious as to who she is and what she was doing standing behind me.
"I'm sorry," she says, smiling apologetically. "I didn't mean to surprise you. I was just going to ask if you were okay; I mean, you've been standing there for a while, and... Are you waiting for someone?"
"I-um... No, I'm fine," I reply, inwardly cringing at how my voice cracks the way it always does when I'm close to tears. Faking a smile, I hold out my hand for her to shake. "I'm James." The girl smiles again, and takes my hand in hers.
"I'm Jess. It's nice to meet you, James." Jess releases my hand and glances down at her shoes before meeting my eyes, and- oh my god, her eyes... The tears push past without warning, and she looks both confused and concerned, her eyebrows coming together. I try to speak, try to explain myself, but the words won't come, and she seems to understand that, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into a nearby café. She sits me down and orders a hot chocolate for each of us before taking a seat herself.
"I-I-I'm sorry," I choke out, but she just shakes her head, smiling gently.
"It's okay, just calm down." I have to look away, those eyes becoming too much. They're just like his, the same warm, chocolate brown. I'd forgotten just how much I love those eyes, how much I miss them. I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes tightly shut for a moment. I open them again and take a few sips of my hot chocolate, ignoring the way the liquid burns as it flows down my throat.
"I'm sorry," I say again, and then clear my throat. "I'm a little emotional these days." Jess doesn't ask for an explanation, doesn't try and get me talking. She just nods, and I realize just how much I've been holding in, and everything comes spilling past my lips in a rush. I tell her everything, starting from the day Logan and I met, to our first kiss, the two years of bliss after that. I tell her about going to the hospital, and finding out Logan wasn't dead after all, and the envelopes and the videos and the sun. I tell her about her eyes, how they're almost exactly like his, and how I can't stand to look at them because it's too painful. And when I'm done, she takes a shaky breath, reaching across the table and placing her hand atop mine.
"I'm so sorry," she says softly, and there are tears in her eyes. "I wish there was some way I could help."
"You're helping already," I say, smiling slightly. "Just by listening. I've been keeping everything in. It feels nice to let it all out."
"I understand," Jess says, pulling her hand away and glancing at the watch that covers her wrist. "Oh! I'm really sorry, James, but I gotta go. I'm late for work..."
"Of course. I'm sorry I made you late." I blush slightly, but she just smiles.
"It's alright. Here." Jess pulls out a pen from her pocket, as well as a gum wrapper. She writes something on the wrapper and then slides it over to me. "If you ever need someone to talk to, give me a call." I take the wrapper and pocket it.
"Thanks. I will."
"I guess I'll see you later, then," she says, and stands. "Call anytime." I watch her leave, giving a small wave when she glances back. She smiles and waves back, and then she's gone. Taking a deep breath, I quickly finish my hot chocolate and make my own exit, deciding to head back to the Palm Woods. Maybe Kendall and Carlos will have some ideas as to what we can do to try and find Logan. Surely they've realized by now that the police aren't going to be much help. They're just as stumped as the rest of us.
However, when I make it back to 2J, the apartment is empty except for Ms. Knight making lunch in the kitchen. She smiles in greeting, and I smile back.
"Hey, Mama Knight. Where are Kendall and Carlos?"
"I think they said something about going down to the pool, but lunch is almost ready, so why don't you go down there and tell them to come up and eat?" she replies, and I nod.
"Yeah, sure," I say before leaving the apartment. The pool isn't exactly a place I'd like to go. At least, not for a while. There are just too many people there who will ask me how I'm feeling and about Logan and it's too much for me to handle tight now. But after talking to Jess, I feel much better, and my heart feels lighter, and yeah, I might burst into tears if I have to answer too many questions, but I'll be okay. Kendall and Carlos are sitting in our usual spot, and I hurry over to them, avoiding everyone else like they're the plague.
"Hey, James!" Carlos greets, and Kendall just nods.
"Hey, lunch is ready."
"Good, I'm starving," Carlos says cheerfully, hopping to his feet. "Come on, Ken, lunch time!"
"Carlos, I told you not to call me that!" Kendall says indignantly, and Carlos grins.
"I know, and that's exactly why I'm going to call you that." Kendall sighs before getting up as well, grabbing his and Carlos's towels.
"Let's just go," he sighs, and begins walking. Carlos hurries after him, and I just shake my head before following. Maybe they won't have any ideas on how to save Logan. Yeah, probably not.
After lunch, Carlos begs me to play video games with him, and I agree, because I've been pushing him away lately and I know he probably misses having me around. And, truthfully, I've missed having him around as well. After talking with Jess, I've realized that some things you can't go through alone, even if you think you're the only one who's suffering. And being with someone else helps you get through the pain a little easier. Of course, Carlos beats me at every game we play, but I'm not really trying. Logan's still on my mind, and try as I may, I can't shake the feeling that something really bad has happened to him. I need to find him.
"Is something wrong, James?" Carlos asks, and I glance over at him before turning my attention back to the TV screen.
"Just thinking," I reply. "About Logan, and the phone call, and how no one has any idea where he is." Carlos pauses the game and turns to me, frowning slightly.
"You're not going to yell again, are you?" he asks, and I blink in surprise.
"No, why?"
"I don't know. You just, you always get angry and yell when we talk about Logan, and then you cry and it's kinda scary, James," he replies, and I feel absolutely horrible.
"I'm sorry," I say softly, and I seem to be apologizing a lot today. "It's just...hard, you know? I don't know what to do." Carlos is silent for a moment, and then his face lights up.
"You should talk to Kendall!"
"Kendall?"
"Yeah! He's really good at comforting people and stuff."
"I really don't think-"
"Kendall!" Carlos yells, and the blonde-haired boy is there a few moments later, concerned.
"What's wrong?" he asks, and Carlos just shakes his head.
"Nothing. I was just telling James how you're really good at comforting people, and he's sad so you should-"
"What exactly did you tell him?" Kendall asks, cutting Carlos off mid-sentence, and he looks panicked. I raise an eyebrow, looking back and forth between the two. Something is definitely going on here...but what?
"I told him you were good at comforting people," Carlos says, slightly confused. "That's all."
"That's all?" His question is directed at me this time, and I narrow my eyes slightly.
"You're hiding something," I say slowly, and his eyes widen.
"No I'm not," he says quickly. "Oh, hey, Carlos, our room is a mess. Come help me clean it up." Kendall pulls Carlos away, the Latino protesting the whole way.
"What? No! Kendall-" The bedroom door closes, and I cross my arms. He's hiding something alright, and I'm going to find out what. A sudden idea pops into my head, and I shoot to my feet, hurrying upstairs and stopping outside Kendall and Carlos's bedroom. If they won't tell me what's going on, I'll just have to find out myself. I press my ear against the door, careful to not make any sound.
"-and that would be terrible!"
"Why?"
"Because he's already upset about Logan. He doesn't need to see us being all lovey-dovey and rubbing it in that we have each other and he has no one."
"But we're not rubbing it in."
"No, but he'll think we are, and then he'll get angry."
"But that's not fair."
"I know, Carlos." Kendall sighs. "And I'm sorry. I don't like hiding I any more than you do, but we have to if we want James to get through this."
"Does that mean I can't kiss you?"
"Of course you can kiss me, just not when James is around."
Kendall and Carlos fall silent, and I back away from the door, unable to breathe. They like each other? When did this all start? And why won't they just tell me? I'm totally okay with it, not upset at all. I'm glad they have each other. Now I don't have to feel so bad about avoiding Carlos and not being a good friend. They have each other... I'm happy... I'm happy. And then the tears start.
So, this chapter was a little less intense, but there's still lots of stuff going on in James's brain. And, I wrote my first OC, and yes, she will show up again, but she's important to the plot. Actually, I'd like to hear your opinions on her, and on the Kenlos introduced in this chapter. I wasn't originally going to have Kenlos in this, so I'm not really sure how it's going to affect the story, but, well…