Here's the next chapter! It's been a while, I know, and I'm sorry.
I'm shaking. I'm curled up in a ball on the couch, my knees pressed against my chest, my breathing a bit uneven, and my body won't still. Kendall and Carlos haven't come out of their room yet, and I don't know if they're actually cleaning their room or what. I'm sure their probably just kissing or something, happy as can be, while I'm out here wondering how I'm not dead yet. It doesn't seem right, living while Logan is going through so much. I should have died the second I thought he was dead. Maybe I am dead and I just don't know it. Yeah, definitely dead.
Once again, I'm back to feeling sorry for myself. The strength I had found this morning has vanished completely. I shouldn't be this affected by this new knowledge. I shouldn't care that Kendall and Carlos are now together and get to sleep together and kiss and who knows just what else they've done. But I do. The jealousy has hold of my heart, the agony, and all I can do is lie here on the couch and hope to god they don't come out here and see me. I can't stand to look at them, talk to them. Seeing them together would kill me. Maybe I'm just being selfish, immature. I mean, they have every right to date each other and be happy. Hell, Logan and I always joked about the two of them getting together. The idea had always been welcome, and now, I can hardly believe it's happening.
"You okay?" a soft voice asks, and I jump, blinking to clear my head. Ms. Knight stands over me, a concerned expression on her face. I hadn't even heard her come into the room.
"I don't know," I reply, and it's the truth. I know I'm upset over Kendall and Carlos, but I don't know why. Maybe I'm going insane. It wouldn't surprise me. Ms. Knight sits down next to me, placing a hand on my knee.
"You're okay, sweetie," she says gently, and that's all it takes for me to start bawling my eyes out. I'm not okay. I'm falling to pieces, little by little every day. He's gone. He's gone. Ms. Knight doesn't say anything else, her own tears appearing. I can tell she's not sure what to say. This whole situation isn't any easier for her than it is for us, I realize. She's hurting, too. She's scared, too, and worried. Logan is as much her son as Kendall is. Her baby is hurt, missing, and her other three sons are falling apart.
"Do you think the police will find him?" I ask, my voice quiet and hesitant like a child's. I need her to say yes, need her to rekindle that hope I've lost. She is perhaps the only person who can convince me he'll be okay, because she's my mom, my protector. She's the adult.
"I don't know," is all she says. "It's been almost a month, James. The police are searching, I know they are, but… I just don't know." My world is slowly crumbling. Even Ms. Knight is starting to lose hope, and if she has even the tiniest bit of doubt, I can't possibly hope to get Logan back. I'm going to lose him for good. The next time I see him, if I even do see him again, he won't even be Logan anymore, just the corpse of the boy my whole life is centered around.
"I didn't even get to say goodbye," I sob, and regret floods my chest. Why didn't I tell him I loved him more often? Why did I let him go to the store that day without a kiss goodbye, a hug? I should have held him tight and never let him go.
"There's no need for a goodbye," she says softly, her hand tightening on my knee. "Even if he doesn't get out of this, James, he loves you, and he knows you love him. If there is one thing I know for sure it's that you'll never need to say goodbye, because he'll always be there. Even if you can't see him."
"I want to see him, though," I say, and my voice sounds almost whiney. Ms. Knight sniffles, takes a deep breath, and wraps me in a hug.
"Everything is going to be fine, James, you'll see." She holds me for another moment before pulling away and getting to her feet. "I'm going to make some hot chocolate, you want some?" I nod my head, forcing myself to sit up and wipe my eyes. Ms. Knight smiles sympathetically before heading into the kitchen. Taking a deep breath, I look down at my hands, lacing my fingers together. Logan should be here, holding my hand. I shouldn't have to be alone.
The smell of hot chocolate is what finally lures Kendall and Carlos out of their room. I try not to look at them, knowing if I do I'll just get even more upset, but I'm drawn to them by curiosity. I can't help but study them, notice their slightly ruffled hair and the way they stand a few feet apart at all times. They're all smiles, the guiltiness hidden beneath. They have each other, and I have no one. In that moment, just for a second, I hate them.
"You okay?" Carlos asks, noticing my puffy red eyes. He comes closer, worry evident on his face. Kendall slowly inches forward, almost guiltily. Of course he feels guilty. He was in his room having the time of his life with Carlos while I was slowly losing my mind on the couch.
"So now you care?" I ask coldly, surprising even myself. It's like my mouth has a mind of its own. "You didn't seem to care while you were cuddled up with Carlos is your room. But, you know, that's okay. Not like I need you two or anything." Kendall's mouth falls open, and I can almost sense his panic. "Yeah, I know. I know you two are together now. Why should I care?"
"James, we wanted to tell you, but-"
"But what, Carlos? I get it. I'm not worth your time. I'm all depressing and upset all the time. I yell. Well, sorry, but my boyfriend just so happens to be missing," I snap, getting to my feet.
"James, we're sorry," Kendall says gently, and I turn my attention to him, fuming though I don't know why.
"No, it's fine. Why don't you two go make out some more in the bedroom? Or better yet, why don't you do it right in front of me!"
"We're not-"
"Not what? Together? In love? I heard you two, Kendall, and I don't care! I'm perfectly fine with you two being together! Everything is just perfect, isn't it?" I push past them, making my way towards the stairs. Kendall blocks my way, and my eyes narrow. "Move." It's a warning, but he doesn't move." Anger burns hot beneath my skin, and before I can really think about it, I punch him. There's a sickening crunch, and he crumples to the ground.
"James!" Ms. Knight screams, and my anger instantly vanishes, replaced with fear. I glance down at Kendall, seeing blood gushing from his nose, and then I'm being harshly pulled back, thrown into the couch. Carlos is instantly in my face, his expression beyond outraged.
"Listen, James, I know you're upset, but don't you ever lay a hand on my boyfriend again," he says, his tone low and menacing. I don't know what to say or what to do. I don't even know why I punched Kendall, why I got so angry. This is what insanity feels like, I guess. This is what it feels like to lose your mind. Carlos locks eyes with me for a moment, and I see his expression soften the tiniest bit before he's hurrying to Kendall's side. He kneels down next to his boyfriend, knocking Ms. Knight out of the way. She looks so confused, so overwhelmed and helpless. I'm a monster. I'm a horrible, evil monster that can't help but cause pain and suffering.
"I don't know," I whisper to myself. "I just don't know." Tears sting my eyes, and I don't even bother to hold them back. Before I know it I'm sobbing again, watching as Carlos helps Kendall up. They can't even look at me as they walk past and into the kitchen. Ms. Knight stays on her knees by the stairs, and I can hear her own sobs as she falls apart. What am I doing? Why am I even still here? I slowly get to my feet, not sure where to go or what to do. I should probably go apologize to Kendall, but I highly doubt Carlos will even let me anywhere near him. Besides, I don't deserve forgiveness. I can't do anything right. How could I have thought I could find Logan when I can't even find myself? Suddenly panicky, I hurry upstairs to my room and lock the door. I take my phone from my pocket and dial Jess's number, hoping she'll pick up and that she's not busy. I can't talk to anyone but her, can't stand to face Kendall or Carlos or Ms. Knight. My heart skips a beat when I hear her pick up, answer with a quick hello.
"Jess? Hi. This is James. Are you busy right now?"
"James! Are you okay? Are you crying?"
"I just punched one of my best friends. I don't even know why, I just-"
"Talk to him. Apologize. Before you do anything else, make things right between you two."
"But-"
"Call me when you've made things right," she says, and then she hangs up. I pocket my phone, trying not to feel like she completely pushed me away. She was right, wasn't she? I had to apologize before I made things worse. Easier said than done.
Ms. Knight was gone when I got back downstairs, and Kendall and Carlos were still in the kitchen. Mustering up what little courage I had at the moment, I slowly made my way to the kitchen, my heart pounding nervously. As I suspected, Carlos didn't let me get three steps into the room.
"Go away, James," he says, pushing me back. I let him, my head dropping.
"I'm sorry," I say lamely, and he snorts.
"Yeah, well, you're not forgiven," he replies. Desperately, I look back at Kendall, who has paper towel pressed gently against his nose to stop the flow of blood. "We need to get to the hospital. You broke his fucking nose."
"I'm sorry," I say again, and Carlos pushes me completely out of the kitchen.
"No, you're not."
"I am," I insist, pushing past him. Kendall's eyes widen as I run toward him, and he cringes away before I wrap my arms around him in a tight hug, burying my face in his shoulder.
"James, I don't think you're helping," Kendall says quietly, and I feel Carlos come up behind me.
"I'm sorry," I say, as sincerely as possible. "Really, I am. I don't even- Kendall, I'm so confused. I think… I think I'm going insane." I glance back at Carlos, who, despite his arms crossed over his chest, looks much less menacing.
"It's okay," Kendall says softly, and I almost cry with relief. "And we're sorry for not telling you about us. We just didn't want to make you feel bad."
"You don't have to apologize. I was upset over you two, I just don't know why." I frown, pulling away from Kendall and wrapping Carlos in a hug instead.
"Maybe you're just upset that Logan isn't here to see it. You always joked about us getting together," Carlos says, and I nod, pulling away.
"I guess so. It makes sense. I really don't have a problem with you tow dating, I promise."
"We know," Kendall says, and I feel myself relax. "But we really do need to get to the hospital. Gustavo's sending a limo to pick us up, since mom hasn't gotten another rental car yet."
"Sorry," I say softly, and Kendall just smiles, patting me on the back.
"Don't worry about it, just a broken nose." I almost smile, relieved that everything is okay between us.
"Okay. I'm going to go up to my room, I think," I say, and Kendall nods.
"It's gonna be okay, James," Carlos calls to me as I leave, and I close my eyes for a moment. I wish I could believe him, but I can't.