"I'm sorry for bothering you again so soon," I say with a small smile as Jess lets me into her apartment. Funny thing is, she lives at the Palm Woods, moved in about three months ago. Apartment 3J, right above us. And now that I've seen her again, she does seem kind of familiar.
"Oh, don't worry about it, James. I know you're upset, and it's not like I'm doing anything else," Jess replies. Then she frowns slightly, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong. You're not like a last resort or anything. I'm really not busy."
"It's okay," I say, smiling to let her know I understand. "I wouldn't care if I was a last resort, though. I just need somebody to talk to, and your number one on my list."
"Even above your friends?"
"Even above them," I reply, realizing how bad it sounds. "I don't know, things are just weird between us right now. Plus, they're at the hospital at the moment."
"The hospital?" Jess asks, concerned, and I sigh before walking past her and to the couch. Plopping down on the cushions, I bury my face in my hands.
"I punched Kendall. I broke his nose." My voice is muffled by my hands, but Jess seems to understand none the less. I feel her small hand on my shoulder, comforting. I suddenly realize how tense I am, and release my muscles, letting out another sigh. I move my hands from my face and look up at her, shame swimming in my eyes. "I know I'm an ass. I don't try to be. I just can't help it."
"James, no one's judging you. You're going through a tough time. Anybody in your situation would be upset."
"But I punched one of my best friends, the people I should be drawn to when things get this tough. Instead, I find myself pushing away from them more and more each day. It scares me," I say softly, and Jess moves to sit beside me on the couch.
"I think you're just scared you're going to lose them, too," she says gently. "You're subconsciously drifting away from them so you can't be hurt like this again." I blink, staring at her in awe, because I never thought of it that way. She could easily be right. I could be so afraid of losing them that I'm distancing myself now to avoid getting hurt in the long run.
"But…I don't want to lose them completely. Why would I push them away and cause myself pain now?"
"I don't know, James," she says, her eyes apologetic. "I just know that you're scared. I can see it in your eyes. You're so afraid." She wraps her arms around me in a gentle hug, and after a second of shock, I hug her back tightly. I don't know where she came from or how I was so lucky as to find her. I don't know why I can feel so comforted in her arms when I met her just earlier today. But now that I have her, I need her. She understands and sympathizes in a way only a girl can. Around her I don't feel pressured to be anyone but my depressing, pitiful self, and I know she won't laugh at me or tell me to suck it up. She won't tell me that everything is fine or that it will be okay. Jess simply comforts, empathizes, cheers you up.
"Where did you come from?" I whisper, feeling my eyes burn once again with unshed tears, but this time the tears are out of relief.
"New York City," she laughs, and I feel myself smile in response. "Why?"
"Just wondering where Heaven was," I reply, and it's such a corny sentence that we both burst into light-hearted laughter. My heart feels light and airy, empty, but not unbearably so. It's a strange feeling after weeks of constant hurt, but I welcome it gratefully. Anything is better than the pain, the guilt and regret.
"Aw, you're sweet," Jess says after a moment. "I'm not that perfect."
"Uh, yeah, you are. I keep waiting for wings to sprout from her back or something."
"Stop it!" she says with a giggle, and I move back to look her up and down.
"Pretty, too," I say. "Pretty enough to be an angel."
"I thought you were gay," she chuckles, and I grin.
"I am, doesn't mean I can't appreciate a gorgeous person when I see one." Jess's laughter dies down, and she gives me a small yet radiant smile.
"You know, I don't think I've ever heard someone tell me that with more sincerity," she says quietly, and for a moment I see all kinds of emotions flash in her eyes. I realize that maybe her life isn't as perfect as it appears to be. She seems happy, but maybe it's all just a cover-up for how she really feels.
"You've been hurt before," I say softly, and it's more of a thought than a question. Jess meets my eyes, pain evident in the chocolate-brown orbs, and for a second I can't breathe, because once again I'm reminded just how similar they are to Logan's.
"I've been hurt, yeah," she whispers, and then she looks away, and I can see her blinking back tears. I immediately feel bad for bringing it up. It's obvious she's still hurting, maybe even as much as I am.
"I'm sorry," I say, and she just shakes her head.
"Don't be," she says. "It's dumb, anyway. I should be over it by now." Frowning, I scoot closer, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, and suddenly I'm the one doing the comforting.
"Hey, there's no set time on when you should move on, and even when you do, you'll always remember from time to time and feel the hurt."
"I know," she says quietly, and my heart aches at the hopelessness in her voice. I wish I could just take away all her pain. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's Jess. "I just…I hate him so much. I don't want to miss him anymore."
"Jess, whoever he is, you don't need him. Anyone who causes you this much pain isn't good for you."
"I know. But I still love him," she says, and then the tears fall. "I thought he was perfect. He always seemed to be so happy around me. He told me he loved me and called me beautiful. He made me feel special. Then one day I saw him with another girl, saw how he held her close and how completely happy he was. He told her everything he told me, how perfect she was, except with her it was real. I could see it with my own eyes, hear it in the way he talked to her. He loved her, and I realized, he'd never loved me." With a loud sob, Jess buries her face in her hands, her heart breaking all over again right in front of me, and I don't know what to do, don't know how to make her stop hurting. Hell, I can't even stop myself from hurting.
"Please don't cry," I say gently, pulling her close. "You're all the way on the other side of the country. He can't hurt you now." And suddenly I realize that that's exactly why she's here in LA. "Aw, Jess, I'm so sorry. He's just an ass."
"Don't call him that," she whispers, letting out a quiet hiccup. "I know he seems like an ass, but, I don't know. He was always so good to me. It's not his fault he's in love with somebody else." Her voice breaks on the last word, and she goes into another round of sobs. Desperate to end her cries, I stand and gently pick her up, walking her to the kitchen and setting her down on the table. She lets her legs dangle off the edge as she watches me hurry about the kitchen, throwing random comfort foods in her direction. Chips, cookies, soda, and other assorted sweets litter the table and floor, and she wipes her eyes with a small smile, grabbing my arm as I pass to stop me.
"There's ice cream in the freezer," she says with a small laugh, and I grin triumphantly as I take out the ice cream and hand it to her. "Spoons are in the drawer right behind you." As I hand her a spoon, she smiles up at me gratefully, patting the spot next to her on the table. Clearing away the bags of junk food, I pull myself up, dipping a finger into her open tub of ice cream.
"Hey!" she laughs, pulling the ice cream away. "Get a spoon."
"Eh, it's too far away," I reply with a grin, sucking the ice cream from my finger. A sudden image flashes across my mind, a memory I'd forgotten.
"Lazy," Jess teases, but I barely hear her. Logan. God, he's such a tease. I close my eyes, taking in the memory of the time Logan took me out for ice cream. He got a vanilla and licked it in such a provocative way I got a hard on. He swears it wasn't on purpose, but honestly, I think he did it just so I'd embarrass myself by getting an erection in public. But god, was the sex that night amazing. I open my eyes, smiling like an idiot, before noticing the familiar discomfort in my pants.
"Shit!" I say, looking down, and Jess follows my gaze before erupting in giggles.
"Ooh, whatever you were thinking about just now, it must have been good."
"Shut up," I groan, cheeks flushed. "Oh my god, I can't believe I- I'm sorry."
"It's okay, better to think about the good memories, right?" she says, and I just sigh in defeat as I stare at the bulge in my pants, willing it to go away.
"I guess so, but I'm missing him like hell now. Not that I wasn't before, but…" I can't seem to find the words to describe how I'm feeling, and Jess grins.
"But now you're horny, right?" she teases, and I lightly slap her arm.
"Stop it!" I say, promptly erupting into giggles. "I'm trying not to sound like a sex addict, here."
"No one said you were an addict, James," Jess says with mock seriousness. "But the fact you feel like you are says something"
"Noooo!" I laugh, and she sets down her ice cream to hold her stomach as she goes into a laughing fit. "I hate you!"
"Aw, you don't mean that," she says, breathless. She lets out another laugh before forcing herself to calm down. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't tease." But her eyes betray her apology, shining and so full of joy I can't help but feel immensely happy. She's happy now, and that's all that matters. Seeing her so upset is just too depressing.
Suddenly, the room erupts with the sound of wind chimes, and I look at her questioningly. Her smile quickly fades and she pulls out her phone, shooting me a quick apologetic glance as she opens up a text. Her expression once again grows sad and I rest a hand on her shoulder, concerned.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Work stuff," she says without looking at me. "They need me to come back and help out. I'm sorry." She gets up without another word, leaving me to stare after her, confused. I hear the door open and close, and then she's gone. I sit there for several minutes, but she doesn't come back, and feeling awkward alone in her house, I hop off the table and quickly make my way back down to 2J. I pause outside the door, the light-hearted feeling in my stomach vanishing. I try not to let Jess's sudden leaving effect me, but I can't help but feel like she abandoned me. She didn't even say goodbye.
Okay, so, no Kendall, Carlos, etc. in this chapter. I needed some James/Jess bonding time, and hopefully you guys don't find this completely boring and pointless. I mean, reading about James being happy is better than reading about him being sad, right? Plus, all of the back-story is important to the plot and to Jess's character, so, boring as it may have been, it was a needed fill in chapter. Net chapter should be up soon, and it's another Logan chapter so it's got to be interesting, right? Right. :P