James's POV: one month later
It's Christmas morning, and instead of feeling cheerful, my mood is gloomier than ever. I sit cross-legged beside the tree, staring at the unwrapped presents with Logan's name on them. It's been almost two months since he was kidnapped, and I've never missed him more than I do on this day. Christmas is our day. It's the day we met, the day we started dating. When I imagine our wedding, I imagine it on this day, our anniversary. My stomach sinks with regret as I think about him and our future, and how I never even thought about proposing. And now it's too late.
"You gonna sit there all day?" Kendall asks from behind me, and I jump, startled out of my misery. He sits beside me, an arm going around my shoulders. "Sitting here all day missing him isn't going to help. Go out, have fun, forget what day it is."
"Easier said than done," I mumble, and he sighs.
"Look, I know today is special to you, but please just do something besides sitting here," he says gently. "It hurts to see you like this. You don't know how guilty I feel, spending all my time with Carlos." I glance over at him, but he's staring at the tree, refusing to meet my gaze.
"It's okay," I say softly, moving my arm to wrap him in a one-armed hug. "You and Carlos deserve to be happy." There must have been a hint of sadness in my voice, for Kendall quickly turns his gaze to me, eyebrows knit together.
"You deserve to be happy, too."
"But I'm not," I muse, turning my attention back to the presents. Kendall falls silent, and I know he's unsure what to say. And really, what can he say? What do you say to a person going through a situation like this? How do you give them comfort?
The phone goes off, loud and shrill and almost deafening in the silence that has fallen over Kendall and I. I jump slightly, startled, gazing at the phone until Ms. Knight appears to answer it. Hope rises in my chest and I push it back down, knowing from experience that hope only leads to disappointment.
"Hello?" she answers, and my breath catches in my throat despite my effort to be indifferent. "Yes, this is she… You did? That's great! What was that? Oh. Oh. Alright… Yes, I understand… Thank you very much." Ms. Knight lets out a sigh and hangs up the phone, turning slowly to face us. The look on her face says it all.
"No," I whisper, bringing my hands up to tangle them in my hair. I open my mouth to say more, to ask what happened, but the words get stuck in my throat.
"Now honey," Ms. Knight starts, coming forward to place a hand on my shoulder. "It's nothing too bad. They found my car."
"That's great!" Kendall says suddenly, and I jump, forgetting that he was still there. Ms. Knight falls silent. "What? That's good, right?"
"Yes, but…" She trails off, letting out another sigh. "They found some things in the car. They think the kidnapper planted the car where it was, because it was filled with… James, it was filled with pink envelopes. Almost a hundred of them." I blink up at her, trying to process her words. Pink envelopes. Nearly a hundred. Logan. I let out a shaky breath, unable to speak. God, how much more can he take? How much more pain does he have to go through?
"James? You okay?" Kendall asks gently, and all I can do is shake my head. And suddenly I can't breathe, can't move, can't even think. Ms. Knight's words keep running though my mind over and over again. It was filled with pink envelopes. Almost a hundred of them. Almost a hundred. A hundred.
"I gotta go," I croak out, pushing myself to my feet. I stumble to the door, fumbling with the knob before finally getting it open and nearly throwing myself into the hallway. My legs move on their own, and it's all I can do to blink back tears as I move down the hallway and up the elevator. It's not a surprise when I find myself at Jess's door, and it's even less of a surprise when she ushers me inside without question as soon as she sees my face. She sits me down on the couch and I try to control my breathing, noticing how ragged it's become. Jess doesn't say a word, just wraps her arms around me and holds me close until I've managed to get a grip and calm down.
"They found the car," I say softly, needing no prompting to start telling her everything. "And it was filed with pink envelopes and Ms. Knight says there's nearly a hundred of them and Logan is all alone and I can't find him and this is all my fault and how is he supposed to live through all this-"
"James," Jess cuts in gently, placing a delicate hand on my cheek and turning my face towards her. "Slow down. You need to breathe." I sigh and take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment before opening them again. Our eyes meet, hazel meeting brown, and it never ceases to amaze me how similar her eyes are to Logan's. The breath leaves my lungs in an instant, and I find myself just staring. And she's close, so close, and all I can see is her eyes because my head is suddenly spinning, and her eyes. Something in me snaps, and all I see is her eyes as I lean forward and press my lips to hers. She lets out a quiet gasp, her body going rigid and tense, as if she's unsure whether she should pull away or wait for my insanity to pass. Her lips don't feel like Logan's, and she doesn't smell like Logan, but if I look into her eyes and just keep staring, maybe I can pretend. Maybe I can make the hurt go away for a little while and yes, she's not moving and I can't think straight and it's Logan. I feel myself shattering and the room fades away and those eyes. I lean forward, pushing her into the cushions, and she lets out a squeak and tries to push me away.
"Please," I murmur against her lips. "Please." And I know she's struggling with herself, torn between doing what she knows is right and pleasing me. Finally, she just goes limp, letting me push her down into the cushions without complaint. Somewhere deep down I know I should stop. She isn't Logan, not even close, and yet when I look into her eyes she is Logan, and how can I pass this up?
"James, we should stop," she whispers, and she sounds almost scared.
"Shhh," I murmur, adjusting myself so our bodies are touching. "Don't talk." My hand travels up her thigh, and she squirms. Her eyes squeeze shut, and when she opens them again they're filled with tears. I freeze, blinking hard, and suddenly her eyes don't look so much like Logan's anymore. I notice how they're a slightly lighter chocolate brown, and how her eyelashes are so much longer, and I immediately shove myself away from her, falling on the floor in the process and abruptly bursting into tears.
"James," Jess says, concerned. "James, don't cry." She slides off the couch and kneels next to me, frowning. "It's okay."
"How can you-" A sob escapes my throat, cutting off my speech. "How can you say that? I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." And god, what was I even thinking? Logan is gone and here I am kissing someone else, kissing Jess, who's been such a good friend to me these few weeks I've known her. What the fuck is wrong with me?
"You didn't mean it," she says quietly, almost as if she's still trying to convince herself of this fact. But I did mean it, even if was only for a moment, because she was right there, with her chocolate eyes and friendly openness and I just lost myself.
"What's wrong with me? I don't even- Jess, I…you were Logan. I looked into your eyes and all I saw was Logan and I just- What's wrong with me?"
"You're upset," she says softly. "And stressed. And this whole situation is too much for you."
"And now I'm going crazy."
"No, you just snapped. Something in you gave up."
"But I kissed you, and I don't even like girls! How the hell could I think you were Logan without being crazy?"
"I don't know, James," Jess sighs, and we both fall silent. It should be uncomfortable, she should be uncomfortable, but she just scoots a little closer and pulls my head into her lap, gently snaking her hands through my hair. I wipe at my eyes, trying to push away the new-found feeling of hatred I have towards myself. Jess shouldn't just forgive me so easily. She shouldn't even want to be near me right now, but as always, she's so completely selfless, comforting me despite everything that just happened.
"I'm sorry," I say again, and really, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop saying it. I can't say it enough. But all Jess does is shake her head, hushing me and staring at the floor, clearly lost in her thoughts. I let out a long sigh, opening my mouth to speak and then shutting it again. I don't know how to explain myself and my actions. Not only have I betrayed Logan by kissing Jess, but I've betrayed Jess as well. She's still getting over a painful break-up, and here I am kissing her and messing with her head without even really meaning to.
"Do your friends know you're here?" Jess says finally, eyes resting upon my face.
"Uh, not really," I reply. "I don't think so. Today has just been awful, with the news about the envelopes and celebrating Christmas without Logan. I miss him so much more today. Did I ever tell you today is our anniversary?"
"No," she says, frowning once again. "I'm sorry. I can't imagine how you feel, being without him."
"It's hard," I croak, and then clear my throat. "I mean, obviously. I just don't really know how else to describe it."
"That's alright. I know what you mean." I realize that Jess's eyes are teary and pained, and guilt washes over me. I sit up, turning to face her and pulling her into a hug.
"I'm sorry I kissed you. I know you're still getting over that guy," I say softly, and she just sighs.
"I just wish I could get over him already. I'm so tired of missing him."
"I know."
"But it's not your fault I'm missing him again. Today just hasn't been all that great for me, either."
There's a sudden knock on the door, startling us both, and we pull away from each other quickly. Jess blinks, staring at the door until there's another knock. Slowly, she pushes herself to her feet, offering me a hand and pulling me up until I'm standing. I follow her to the door, surprised to see Kendall and Carlos on the other side when she opens it.
"Thought you'd be here," Kendall says when he sees me. He turns to Jess. "Mind if we come in for a second?"
"Oh, no, come right in," she says with a smile, and Kendall nods his thanks, pulling Carlos with him inside.
"Sorry I kinda just left," I say, wrapping them both in a hug. "I was going crazy sitting in that apartment."
"It's alright," Carlos says. "We just came to check on you and make sure you were okay."
"That, and my mom wants us to tell you to make sure you're home in time for dinner," Kendall adds, pulling away from our hug. "And this is Jess, I take it." He motions towards Jess, who's standing a few feet away, looking a bit shy.
"Yeah, that's Jess," I reply, and she smiles.
"Hello," she says, stepping forward. "It's good to finally meet you."
"You, too," Kendall replies, and surprises her by pulling her into a quick hug. "And this is Carlos." Carlos steps forward and wraps an arm around Kendall's shoulders.
"Hey, you should come have dinner with us!" he says, and then looks back at me. "You know how Mama Knight is. There'll be plenty of food for seven people." I meet Jess's eyes.
"Would you want to?" I ask. She seems surprised, but also grateful.
"I'd love to join you guys for dinner," she replies, and Carlos beams.
"Yay! Is that alright with you, Kendall?"
"Of course, babe."
"What time is dinner at?" Jess asks, and I shrug.
"Around seven, maybe," I reply. "It's only noon now, so we have some time."
"Alright. Well, you guys are welcome to stay until then," she says, gesturing to Kendall and Carlos. Kendall glances at me before answering.
"Thanks, but we've got things to do. I told my mom I'd help her with dinner," he says, and Carlos frowns.
"Don't tell me you're making me help out, too."
"I might have told her you wanted to help."
"Kendall!" A smile appears on my face as Carlos playfully tackles Kendall to the ground, both of them erupting into giggles. My heart aches watching them, but at the same time I feel incredible happiness for them. They're so in love.
Jess clears her throat awkwardly, shifting her gaze around the room, and suddenly I feel the need to do the same. It feels almost wrong to be watching them, as if I'm looking in on some secret moment. The world has disappeared around them and nothing can ruin their happiness as long as they're together. I wonder if Logan and I ever looked like that, like the only thing in the world that mattered to us was each other, like nothing and no one could make us love each other any less.
It's not until the two of them start kissing that I feel the need to pull them apart. Not that I have anything against them kissing, but they're getting pretty intense and I know that if they don't stop soon Jess and I are going to be caught in a really awkward situation. Stepping forward, I tug on Carlos's shoulder, effectively pulling him away from Kendall and into a standing position. He frowns, crossing his arms over his chest and looking indignant.
"Oh, don't you look at me like that," I say, rolling my eyes. "What, did you think you were gonna fuck right here with Jess and I in the same room?"
"Sorry," Kendall says, clearing his throat and getting to his feet, a light blush painting his cheeks. "That was, uh… Yeah, um, we're just gonna get going now." Kendall pulls Carlos out the door, and Jess and I turn to each other, eyes wide before promptly bursting into laughter.
"Oh, my god!" she exclaims, and I can only nod in response. "Did you see Kendall's face? He looked horrified!"
"And I think he had a boner. How do you think he's gonna explain that to his mom?"
"I don't even know," she laughs, and then she slowly calms down and just smiles. "They're so in love, though." Pain rips through my heart, and the smile is wiped right off my face.
"Yeah, they are," I say quietly, looking down at my feet. Jess senses my distress and soon her arms are wrapped tightly around me.
"Come on, let's go eat a bunch of ice cream and watch one of those ridiculous reality TV shows."
Christmas dinner feels wrong. No one is as cheerful as they usually are, and Logan's absence is so painfully obvious. Even with Jess here, we just don't feel complete. We don't feel like a family, and everyone is trying desperately to ignore the feeling that something is missing, something important. Ms. Knight took a quick liking to Jess, which doesn't really surprise me at all. Jess is a ray of sunshine. But even the brightest of rays couldn't light up the darkness in all of our hearts.
"How long have you been at the Palm Woods, dear?" Ms. Knight asks conversationally, and I almost sigh in relief at the distraction.
"Just about four months," Jess replies politely. "I moved here from New York."
"Oh! I've always wanted to go to New York? Did you like it there?"
"Yeah, I really did. I'd lived there all my life. It was home. But I needed to get away." Ms. Knight doesn't pry, and for that I am grateful. I know it's a sensitive topic for Jess, and I guess Ms. Knight sensed that because she turns her attention to Katie, talking about some movie they should go see.
"So, how has LA been treating you?" Kendall asks, and Jess smiles.
"Things have been fine. It's kinda lonely living in that apartment all by myself, but I'm managing."
"And you've found work?" The smile melts right off Jess's face.
"Yeah, but I kinda hate my job."
"Oh. Well, that sucks."
"Yeah, but it pays the bills," Jess says with a sigh. "Anyway, besides that I like it here."
"What are your hobbies?' Carlos asks.
"Well, I like drawing and painting," she replies, and I raise an eyebrow. I didn't know she could draw. "I don't do it so much anymore. I just don't have the inspiration I used to." Jess falls silent, and I wonder just how much of her life was dedicated to the guy who broke her heart.
The rest of dinner is spent in silence, and I'm once again aware of just how much I miss Logan. He should be here. We should be cuddled up together on the couch watching classic Christmas movies and singing Christmas carols and driving everyone nuts with our excessive amounts of kissing. And despite how awful dinner is, I never want it to end. I never want to go back up to that empty room, and that empty bed, with my empty heart and shattered hope. I want to stand under the mistletoe and kiss the one I love and tell him how much he means to me, even if it's our last kiss. Because if I'm gonna lose him, all I really want is the chance to say goodbye.
This chapter, you guys. I'm so sorry I didn't update when I said I was going to, but I just totally struggled with this chapter. And it still doesn't really feel right but I think it's okay. Feel free to hate me, or like, kick me in the ass for taken forever to update. Hopefully you liked it.