Chapter 10
Jane huffed once more, struggling to get comfortable on the old, lumpy couch. She pounded her fist into one of the pillows she had found in the hall closet and curled her body up tight to keep some of her body heat from escaping. The thin blanket she found near the pillow did little to help her once the sun set. Maura and Jane had barely spoken; Maura spent most of her time unpacking both her clothes and the large selection of groceries Frost and Korsak had stashed in the trunk of the car. Jane opted to get lost in case files Frost had given her to review surrounding Doyle.
Jane barely noticed that Maura had disappeared into the bedroom; in fact she had barely noticed that night had fallen until the cabin became cold. Now, the wind was blowing hard; trees rustled outside with the occasional branch snapping off. All of the tension in the air and the foreign noises made it virtually impossible to sleep. Jane heard the ticking of the mantle clock and would swear on her mother's life it was getting louder by the second.
"This is ridiculous," Maura said calmly from the doorway to the bedroom which she now solely occupied. "We've slept in the same bed before; you aren't getting any sleep and neither am I with you tossing and turning."
Jane peered over the back of the couch at Maura, clad in silk pajamas and what looked to be UGG slippers.
"Did you want me to send you gold speckled chocolate in the morning to apologize?"
Jane was surprised when Maura didn't fight back; she simply chuckled as she approached the couch and placed her arms on the back of it for support while leaning forward to talk to Jane.
"Are you hoping to change your role from hero detective to town martyr by sleeping on this couch?"
"Oh," Jane's heated gaze met Maura's to accept the challenge her words had initiated, "so now I'm a martyr and not the victim of someone being deceitful?"
"How is putting myself first being deceitful?" Maura walked to the other side of the couch determined to resolve this issue with Jane no matter how tense the situation had become. She had lain in bed, hearing Jane toss and turn, and promised herself that this had to end. She needed Jane, she felt physically empty being so close and yet so emotionally far from her when she needed her best friend the most.
Maura ignored Jane's hesitance when she lifting Jane's feet so she could sit on the couch. She simply picked up the lanky detective's legs, sat down, and placed them on her lap. Maura rested her hands on Jane's shins and firmly pressed down when Jane tried to pull away from the physical contact.
"I'm going to have to insist that we talk about this." Maura stared straight at Jane, unwilling to let go of the physical contact she had been craving for several hours now. "If after I explain everything to you, you choose to hate me and play this passive-aggressive game, than you can rot on this couch as far as I'm concerned. But at least give me the chance to talk to you and explain. It is, after all, what you claim you wished I had done in the beginning."
Jane sat up slightly, crossing her arms over her chest defensively, arching an eyebrow at Maura as if to signal her that she could begin.
This is going to be harder than I thought.
Maura took a deep breath, ignoring her inner voice, and began to speak softly. It was important to her that she not rationalize what she did; in Maura's mind she had made a decision and would not regret trying to find the identity of her birth mother. What she did regret was not going to Jane with the decision herself. She regretted Jane finding out through an investigation about her involvement with Paddy Doyle.
"I was shocked when he called me on my cell phone, probably as shocked as you are to know that I answered it. I knew right away that it was him when he started to speak. If I look back at it now, it seems so odd, the calmness he had in his voice considering he knew he was dying." Maura's gaze drifted off across the room to stare at the dying fire crackling its last sparks. "He asked me to meet him and said he had news about my birth mother."
Jane felt her anger rising; Doyle knew that was the only way to get Maura's attention and it was, in Jane's mind, certainly shaping up to look more and more like blackmail.
"I was surprised when I pulled up to the address he gave me. It was like any other house in the middle of South Boston with families, small children, playing outside and growing up feet away from a known killer."
"A known killer with no evidence to prosecute him."
"He's too careful," Maura said as she once again faced Jane. "Even with me, despite that he claims to love me. There will never be anyone that gets the full story on my father. When he asked me for my help, it was like a carefully choreographed dance. I asked him why I was there; he never actually gave me a straight answer until I addressed the elephant in the room."
Maura looked at Jane, her arms still folded but somewhat more relaxed.
"I asked him what was wrong with him, I hadn't seen any wounds but he was in such obvious pain. Seeing this man, even though I know what he's done, Jane, he was scared and lonely and I couldn't help but to feel empathy for him."
"Empathy or sympathy?"
"I don't feel sorry for him; maybe its karma enacting her revenge. But I'm a doctor and caring is in my nature. He was hurt; he told me he had accepted that he was dying from stomach cancer and wanted me to keep him comfortable."
"Why you?"
Maura smiled at how similar Jane's questioning was to that of her own when she had discussed the arrangement with Paddy Doyle. Maura paused for a moment, trying to decipher if she were rubbing off on Jane or Jane on her, but either way the similarity made her feel more intimate with Jane.
"I asked him the same thing; dutifully pointing out that he could pay off any number of doctors that were used to working with cancer patients," Maura paused and then smiled at Jane. "Or even just live patients."
Despite herself, Jane chuckled at Maura's statement and settled down into the cushion more to listen to the rest. Maura rubbed Jane's shin absentmindedly with her finger tips as she talked, enjoying the closeness with Jane that she had missed since this entire debacle had started.
"He told me if I did it, if I kept him comfortable while he died, he would give me my mother's name and address. He said after he was gone, there would be no reason for us to stay hidden from one another; nobody could use us to hurt him when he was already dead. As for the reason why he chose me, I believe it was to try to salvage some sort of relationship with me before he dies."
"That's fucking blackmail, Maura," Jane ground out through her teeth. "And you didn't think to come to me to tell me you were being blackmailed?"
"I tried," Maura answered calmly, certainly more calmly than she felt. "When I asked you about your definition of black and white, it was because I was trying to decide what to do. I told him I needed time, time to process and decide what I wanted."
"And so in that entire conversation of right versus wrong, you didn't think at any time to tell me Paddy Doyle had contacted you and was trying to blackmail you to take care of him?"
"I did," Maura paused hearing her own defensive tone in her words. "I did, Jane, but you were so clear on that fine line. You were so clear on your definitions of right and wrong; there was no way to have that conversation with you at that moment when my definitions were so mixed up."
"So this is my fault?"
"This isn't about fault," Maura said quickly. "Please just put yourself in my shoes for a moment and think about the choices I could have made."
Maura now rose from the couch and began to pace the length of the room as she spoke. She ran her hands over her arms, it was not just a nervous habit but she felt unbearably cold at the sudden loss of contact with Jane even if it was at her own doing.
"Do you know what it's like for me, Jane? To have grown up essentially in a boarding school that I sent myself to because it was easier on me than living with people that didn't understand me?"
Jane opened her mouth to speak but closed it when Maura continued.
"You've met my mother; if I'm Queen of the Dead she is certainly an Ice Princess."
Jane chuckled at Maura's attempt at a joke despite Maura not laughing.
"This was my chance to have the type of mother you have."
"Meddling?"
Maura smiled.
"Nosy, loud, overbearing…are any of these what you're hoping your birth mother will be?"
"Loving," Maura said softly. "Involved, afraid to let go because of the overwhelming love she would feel for me. I want to feel complete."
Maura sat down on the coffee table right beside the couch. She was facing Jane, who was now sitting straight up on the couch, her posture tense.
"You don't feel complete?" Jane's tone was semi-mocking but Maura considered the question regardless.
"I feel happy, I certainly don't want for anything in life at the moment, but money and careers don't take the place of a mother, Jane. Someone who has been there, through all of the things that we'll go through when we're that age. Imagine the wisdom I can get."
Jane now burst out laughing at the thought of anyone, especially someone like Angela Rizzoli, being able to teach Dr. Maura Isles anything.
"Why is that funny?"
"The thought of someone like Ma giving someone like you advice on anything is hard to imagine."
"There are a lot of things that your mother and I talk about now that would be nice to discuss with my own mother."
"I don't even want to know," Jane mumbled, unsuccessful at disrupting Maura's train of thought.
"Raising children," Maura began to tick off items on her fingers quickly as she spoke. "Physical changes as you get older..."
"I don't want to know."
"Sometimes we even talk about you," Maura offered as if Jane would view this as positive.
"Now I really don't want to know," Jane said loudly causing Maura to remain silent and close her gaping mouth. "What I do what to know is why you don't trust me, Maura?"
"How can you say I don't trust you?"
"Because even if we disagreed, and lord knows we have when it's come to Doyle, I've supported you!" Jane's anger was now rising to the surface; she had kept it bottled up and there was no physical way to restrain its release. "So obviously you don't trust me enough to come tell me what's going on."
Jane was now on her feet and pacing the length of the room while Maura remained seated and quiet.
"I think that's what is making me the angriest," Jane paused catching Maura's eye before correcting herself. "Scratch that, it isn't anger as much as it is hurt. When you came to me with the cell phone, after Colin died, I kept my word, Maura. Despite not liking the situation, I honored your wishes and followed the book when it came to that case. When MJ Black was killed, and he called me, I let you listen and fire back at him despite the fact that I do believe he loves you and tries to make amends. I can't remember a time where I didn't support you."
Maura's eyebrow shot up to challenge Jane, forcing her to amend her statement.
"When it comes to Doyle."
Maura crossed her arms over her chest defiantly as she stared at Jane.
"When it comes to Doyle wanting a relationship with you?" Jane's voice rose as if she were posing a question; she briefly thought about it once more before settling on her answer. "That's right; I've always supported you when it comes to your stance on not having a relationship with Doyle."
"Which is why I found it difficult to believe that you would support my relationship now as a means to find my mother. You've always been clear on supporting me hating the man."
Damn Maura and her logic, she always manages to back me into a corner.
"Jane," Maura stared into Jane's expressive eyes, holding her gaze with her own piercing green eyes. "This isn't your fault; I accept that I didn't tell you that I was helping him. He's dying, a painful death that in its own right is justice for so many that he's hurt. All I want out of the situation is the name of my mother. Without him, I will never know."
Jane saw the desperation in her eyes and saw how much this meant to Maura. She no longer held her gaze but listened intently at Maura's next words, trying to decipher the hidden meaning.
"I've missed you, Jane; from the moment that this became something that I wasn't discussing with you, I've felt so much distance."
I'm not the one that put it there, Maura.
"Will you please come to bed?" Maura stood up, looking hopeful that Jane would agree.
Why am I so angry with you and yet want to hold you and make it all better.
"It's been a long day for both of us, we both could use a good nights sleep."
"I don't sleep well when I'm mad." Jane silently admitted to herself that she sounded like a spoiled child.
"You can only try," Maura chuckled, knowing Jane would at least agree to a truce tonight. "In the morning you can be angry again. We can talk about it; you can yell at me and tell me how foolhardy I was to even answer the phone."
Jane rose silently as she grabbed her blanket to take with her to the bedroom. Despite her confusing feelings, she did need a good night sleep under real covers. She entered the bedroom, feeling Maura behind her, and instantly saw Maura had resigned herself to sleeping on just one part of the bed. She had left Jane's 'normal' side of the bed untouched.
Why do I even have a normal side of the bed with Maura?
"I promise we can discuss it in the morning," Maura brushed past her and quickly retreated under the covers to gain warmth. "Just come to bed."
Jane approached her side of the bed and pulled back the covers. There were multiple layers that made her blanket look insignificant; mostly because it was against the coldness seeping into the cabin. She held onto the blanket, absentmindedly stroking it's softness while deep in thought.
She's in real danger, I can't ignore that.
Jane sighed, forcing her eyes closed despite not being tired. She turned over, and then turned back over within five minutes, jarring the bed. Instead of now being taunted by the sound of the mantle clock, Jane was mocked by the red digital numbers that ticked on throughout the night.
An hour of listening to Maura breathe easily turned into two. She did the only thing that she could; she turned her back on the red digital clock and flopped over. She was now face to face with a sleeping, but beautiful Maura Isles. Maura's hair was messy; parts of it shaded her face as the moon blanketed the bedroom in soft light.
Why can't I fucking figure out my feelings?
Jane scooted closer and placed her fingertips on Maura's arm. She smiled with Maura moved, a sigh escaping her parted lips. Jane's body was suddenly on high alert; when Maura unknowingly placed her hand on Jane's hip she had to blink back tears.
Why does it hurt so much that you kept this from me?
Maura moved her hand to caress Jane's hip before her barely audible words fell out of her mouth.
"You're not sleeping."
"I love your ability to state the obvious, Maura, it's so endearing." Jane couldn't stop her words flowing out freely dripping in sarcasm.
"Care to share so we both can get some sleep?"
"Insomnia." Jane was proud of her excuse; it was general enough in explanation but simple enough to be the truth.
"Did you ever fall to sleep or just can't stay asleep?" Maura's voice was still laced with sleep and she made no effort to open her eyes.
"What difference does that make?"
"It determines what pattern of insomnia you have; sleep-onset or nocturnal awakenings."
Even in her sleep she's a genius who just can't help herself.
"I'm sorry I woke you." Jane pushed a piece of hair off of Maura's forehead as she closed her eyes relishing in Maura's soft touches on her hip.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Maura's voice was starting to wake up and Jane was now desperate to keep her asleep.
"You're well off; clearly you can afford to pay me more. Just go back to sleep, it'll pass."
Maura curled up next to Jane and drifted back off, her breathing deepened and her hand stopped moving. Jane finally risked opening her eyes to watch the woman next to her. Jane's body was on overload; her hand was shaking as she reached out and touched Maura's cheek.
"I wouldn't know how to explain my thoughts to you," Jane barely whispered as she leaned in and gently brushed her lips over Maura's forehead. "Because I'm not sure what scares me more; you in danger or the danger you are for me."