Chapter 19
Jane jumped at the sound of her apartment door being flung open without so much as a single knock to announce a visitor. Her hand instinctively slid to the holster on her hip as she turned. She stood straight, abandoning her packing efforts momentarily, to lock gazes with Maura.
"Come in." Jane couldn't help the corners of her mouth turning upward to hold a smile. "I didn't actually hear you knock."
"That's because I didn't." Maura placed her hands on her hips firmly; clearly something had upset her.
"That was kinda my point."
"I see Barry wasn't wrong." Maura's eyes fell on Jane's duffle bag, which had obviously been stuffed to maximum capacity. "Would you care to share where your impromptu trip is taking you?"
"I'm sure Barry already told you so wouldn't that make the question rhetorical in nature?" Jane's obvious pleasure with her answer irritated Maura even more.
"He said you were going to Provincetown." Maura slowly walked further into the apartment closing the door behind her. "I was certain that Barry was mistaken. Surely you wouldn't just suddenly disappear on a vacation without telling me." Jane smiled at Maura's newfound ability to utilize sarcasm. "But I appear to be wrong, you are going somewhere."
"Yes, I am." Jane held her ground crossing her arms over her chest in defiance.
"To Provincetown?"
Jane nodded silently as Maura began to pace in front of her. Maura's designer heels slowly echoed off of Jane's wood flooring and Jane suddenly became a bit light headed as her eyes focused on Maura's well-defined calves pacing before her.
"Remind me to thank Barry for his sudden interest in my life," Jane continued.
"Really, Jane?" Maura stopped pacing and mimicked Jane's pose by folding her arms across her chest. "Is this some personal variant of immersion therapy you're attempting?"
"What?"
"Is this really necessary? Wouldn't it have been easier to discuss this with me rather than act like an adolescent who has no idea how to manage her own feelings?"
"I'm beginning to feel like I've been insulted."
Maura stood her ground, arching a perfectly shaped eyebrow in Jane's direction.
"That was an insult wasn't it?"
"You really can't be this daft, Jane. I've tried to discuss what happened between us, I've given you space to try to work through your feelings, and your mature response is to run away?" Maura scoffed as she turned and began pacing once more. "And of all places, to Provincetown?"
"Daft? Did you really just use the word daft?" Jane asked, smirking. When her only response was a glare from Maura, Jane shrugged. "Maybe I just wanted to get away?"
"Since when do you 'get away'? When we were at the cabin you couldn't wait to get back. Now you want to get away? And to what is often referred to as the most popular LGBT destination on the East Coast?"
Jane let out a deep sigh and then turned to zip up her duffle bag, freezing in mid-zip when Maura reached out and grabbed her hand to still her movements. Her eyes briefly lingered on the bag in front of her before she dared to look at Maura.
"So the question stands, is this sudden trip to Provincetown about you trying to figure out your feelings? Is this some way of experiencing the lifestyle to see if it appeals to you?" Maura asked.
"Do you honestly think it would be that easy to go away for a weekend and simply decide the rest of my life?"
"I don't know what I'm supposed to think at this point. I know that you asked for time to sort out your feelings and I've tried to accommodate that. I know that it seems that this has created a distance between us that, quite frankly, frightens me. It feels like you're shutting me out and that is the last thing I wanted to happen. I really need you to just talk to me, Jane."
"It isn't that simple," Jane replied as she turned her attention back to the stubborn zipper on her duffel bag.
"I actually don't think it's that complicated," Maura answered honestly as she sat down on the couch next to Jane's bag, defeated. Jane quickly zipped the bag up and threw it on the floor, sitting next to Maura to engage in the conversation she had avoided since their time at the cabin.
"Fine." Jane placed her hands on her thighs to still their visible trembling. She had avoided this for long enough; Maura was right, they needed to talk.
"I'm sorry?"
"We should talk about the kiss." Jane swallowed hard, fighting a sudden bout of nausea. She forced herself to stare straight ahead ignoring Maura's obvious pleasure with their pending chat. "Why do you look so happy about this?"
"I'm happy that you're willing to finally talk to me about this. And because I'm tired of living stuck at a crossroads," Maura answered honestly; Jane was thankful that she was going to seemingly take the lead in the conversation. "I kissed you."
"I'm aware."
"And…." Maura placed her hand on Jane's thigh as she raised her voice to signal her intent to continue. "…I don't regret it."
"I told you at the Robber that I normally don't go around kissing my best friend." Jane closed her eyes momentarily struggling with the words forming in her head. "Maybe what I should have told you is that you've truly been my closest friend and so kissing you is that much more stressful."
"Stressful?"
"You really can't be that daft for a genius," Jane chuckled as she mimicked Maura's earlier rant. "I'm a hard person to date, Maura. I'm a hard person to get close to."
"You seem to have acceptable social skills. You get along reasonably well with your co-workers and…"
"People see what I let them see. They know what I let them know."
Maura sat silently, taking in what Jane had offered. She waited as Jane seemed to struggle to form her thoughts.
"What are you afraid of?" Maura asked quietly.
"Losing you," Jane answered with no hesitation. "We work together."
"So this is about my position as the Chief Medical Examiner?"
"No." Jane was exasperated and ran her fingers through her hair. "We 'work' as in you're likely the closest person to me and I'm afraid of losing that." Jane looked at Maura who seemed to be trying to process Jane's admission. "It's like that game show, where you have something sure in one hand and a curtain blocking out what you could trade it in for. How do you know what's behind the curtain is better? Sometimes the person trades in something really cool for something Ma would collect!"
"You're likening our relationship to Let's Make A Deal?"
"You do watch TV, Doctor Fancypants!" Jane teased, distracting herself from her building anxiety.
Maura scooted closer to Jane, allowing her hand to massage Jane's thigh as she spoke.
"Most relationships are built on the same foundation, Jane," Maura said carefully. "They all have the same building blocks that lead to success; the absence of one or more of those blocks leads to failure."
"This is gonna be good…."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes." Jane pushed the urge away to roll her eyes at the turn in the conversation.
"I think we communicate very well when you're acting like an adult," Maura smiled and then added onto her thought for good measure. "Even when you act like a child I can usually tolerate the abuse."
"I'm barely tolerating this lesson."
"We have common interests, common bonds, we understand one another better than most married couples I know. We trust one another. We feel safe and comfortable with each other."
Maura turned and faced Jane, taking Jane's hands into her own and forcing herself to focus on Jane's intense eyes.
"My point is that we already have that strong foundation, Jane."
"I don't shove my tongue down my other friend's throats, Maura…foundation or not."
"So why am I different?" Maura was fearful of pushing too far, but needed to clear the air between them.
"You kissed me," Jane said smirking. "Let's not forget that shall we?"
"But you kissed me back and have we forgotten that I'm an expert in facial coding recognition and body language?"
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that when I looked at you afterward, I could see the kiss had affected you. And I could see how aroused you were, Jane." Maura knew she had to push just a little bit more to further the conversation. "Are you aroused by your other friends?"
"So that's it?" Maura felt slightly panicked when Jane closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "We've got a great foundation and I reacted to the kiss so I should just run to sleep with you and everything will be fine?"
"We've slept together before, Jane."
"Not in the way that I'm thinking about now," Jane admitted and met Maura's gaze once more. "You're not even the tiniest bit afraid of losing our friendship? Not to mention how people will act when we tell them we're in a relationship, if we even chose to tell people?"
"The only difference between the day before I kissed you and the day after I kissed you is that you know I'm attracted to you, which is something that I've known for a long time but never said. I find you gorgeous, intriguing, and the person that I want to spend most of my free time with. Nothing else has changed."
"Not yet anyway."
"Is this about me being a woman or your friend?"
"Both," Jane admitted quietly. "I don't want to lose our friendship. What if we're great friends and horrible partners? What if things don't work out? And I certainly don't want to put on hiking boots and buy a pick-up truck!"
"Perhaps a trip to Provincetown would help dispel some of the stereotypes you seem to believe." Maura offered. "I'm hardly suggesting we sky-write an announcement of our relationship or ride on a float in the next pride parade."
"What are you asking?"
"Are you attracted to me?"
Jane's eyes glared at Maura with the patented Rizzoli stare.
"Are you just fishing for compliments now, Maura?"
"Are you attracted to me?" Maura was more insistent, refusing to yield in her questioning.
"Yes." Jane stared out in front of them, refusing to meet Maura's eyes.
"Then all I'm asking right now is that you give it a chance," Maura said sympathetically given Jane's rigid posture. "Heterosexual relationships aren't that different from homosexual ones, Jane. We'll have the same issues and argue about the same things you did with any other person you've dated I'm sure."
"Well, then we're doomed right from the start."
"And I'm not asking that we circle the field either at this point…"
Jane looked at Maura puzzled, cocking her head once more in confusion with her brow crinkled.
"The field?"
"We don't have to run all the way home until we both are comfortable sexually with ourselves in these new roles and with each other given our current dynamic."
"Are you talking about getting to first base?"
"I would hope, as adults, that we'd get past first base. I suspect we could easily hit a triple if we're as good together as I think we are."
"Stop it." Jane held her hands up to silence Maura. "You're not only butchering the metaphor but insulting baseball fans across the country at the same time."
"You're uncomfortable discussing physical intimacy with me but you're willing to run to Provincetown? What were you hoping to accomplish there, Jane?"
"No," Jane said wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. "Despite the fact that you're beginning to think the world revolves around you, I had a lead in Provincetown on a case and was going to follow up."
"Without Frost, your partner?"
"And just for the record, going to Provincetown wasn't some huge pilgrimage to embrace my inner-lesbian, Maura. I haven't even made up my mind if that's what I am actually."
"Labels are so restricting," Maura agreed patting Jane's leg. "It's best to not force definitions on things but rather act upon feelings and emotions in relationships. It's why most fail; stereotypes in any sexual relationship can be stifling."
Maura paused seeing Jane's body language reveal how uncomfortable she was with the current conversation.
"This isn't just about a case is it?"
Jane shook her head no; taking a deep breath to steady her nerves.
"I didn't want to tell you this, get your hopes up, because honestly it could be nothing and I could be chasing ghosts at this point…"
Maura just stared at Jane, silently wishing she would continue her thought process.
"I may have a lead on your biological mother," Jane said quietly. "But I needed to follow up before I told you so I didn't crush your hopes if it didn't pan out."
"You've been looking for my mother?"
"You weren't getting anywhere….I have that gum-shoe thing I do….I just…"
"What's in Provincetown, Jane?"
"At a minimum, a place that framed some of her art."
"But you think it's more?"
"I have no way of knowing until I get there," Jane admitted.
"Well then I'm going too," Maura said standing up abruptly. "If you're taking a mini-vacation I certainly have enough time banked to take a few days."
"You're coming to Provincetown with me?" Jane swallowed, suddenly feeling panicked.
"Well if it's a lead on my mother, of course!" Maura headed toward Jane's door to leave and begin her packing ritual, but turned around with a smile on her face. "Plus it's the perfect place to start dating you. What better place than the gayest place on earth to start a relationship!"