Summary: Despite having no use of his arms, Wolfram feels that it is time for him and Yuuri to consummate their engagement. Will Yuuri agree? And how will they manage? Yuuram.
Warnings: This chapter does not contain rape, but Wolfram attempts to put pressure on Yuuri to have sex. If that triggers you, do not read.
Chapter 3: Wolfram is Not Amused
"It is time, Yuuri," came Wolfram's voice from the bed as Yuuri stumbled into the room.
"Wolfram, where were you all day? Don't tell me you were in here pouting."
"I've been thinking! We've been engaged for a few months now, and it's time we took this relationship to the next level!"
"Ah, what are you going on about now?"
Wolfram sat up in the bed. His pink nightgown was twisted on his body, as if he had been unable to put it on correctly. He looked quite undignified… but what he was hoping to do was even more undignified.
"I asked mother, and she said she makes love all the time without the use of her arms! Wouldn't it be fu-"
"WHAT?" Yuuri backed towards the door. "Wolfram, I don't even like you that way! Sheesh!"
Wolfram frowned. "I am your fiancé! Everyone is always talking about us, saying we aren't romantic enough! And today you were locking legs with my brother, of all people! It is a disgrace!"
"Even if I wanted to, there is no way we could without using our arms." Yuuri was grateful for his brilliant timing in enacting the law, so that he would not have to cross the bases with his fiancé.
Wolfram decided to try another tactic. He knew that Yuuri had a pathological need to make everyone around him happy at all times. He worked up the saddest frown he could muster, and bent his head.
"Your lack of respect for my feelings shames me. Why is it you try so hard to please everyone else, but can't give in to one request? Do you have no respect for me at all?" Wolfram could almost hear the crack of Yuuri's brain failing him.
"Nooo, Wolfram! I would never want to hurt your precious feelings!"
Wolfram smiled internally. He was about to score!
Five minutes later, Wolfram was leaning against the headboard of his bed. Yuuri sat in a chair by the window.
"Oh, Wolfram! Ooooh! That thing you are doing feels sooo good!" Yuuri said loudly, and unconvincingly.
"What do you think you're doing? Did you start without me?" Wolfram grumbled.
"You were worried that everyone thinks we aren't making love, so I'm making it sound like we are!" Yuuri got out of the chair and started kicking the bed. "Come on, help me out here!"
"I'm not helping you with that."
Yuuri stood on the bed and then bounced up and down.
"Yes Wolfram, that is amazing! I sure hope nobody else heard our perfectly adequate love-making!"
"If mother finds out about this I will have to kill myself."
Yuuri jumped and landed on the bed with his legs crossed.
"Well, I guess that's over. I am going to sleep."
"What? That was only two minutes! People are going to think I have no stamina!"
"Come on, Wolfram, it's better than nothing."
They both lay there for a few minutes staring up at the ceiling. Yuuri had started to doze off when the bed began to shake.
"Oy, you better not be doing what I think you're doing-"
"I'm taking off my nightgown!" Wolfram had both of his feet stuck in his nightgown in an attempt to pull it over his head. Wiggling, tossing and turning, he managed to get it off.
"Great, can I go to sleep now?" Yuuri asked. He was met with silence. "Thank you."
Again there was silence in the bedroom. Yuuri had just fallen asleep when he felt something on his leg.
"What was that?" he mumbled.
"You know, Yuuri, we're both here in bed, and I'm naked," said Wolfram. He again moved his leg up Yuuri's leg.
"Yeah, but I have my clothes on and they're staying on," Yuuri grumbled, moving closer to the edge of the bed.
"But under all of those clothes, you're naked too!"
"Wolfram…"
"Come on, we're right here! No one has to know! We can even use our arms!"
"I am not going to use my arms." Yuuri kicked Wolfram in an attempt to get him to back off.
"Well if that's how it's going to be…" Wolfram kicked back.
What followed was the most pathetic kicking match of the century. For the second night in a row, Yuuri and Wolfram entered a battle of the legs. Finally, they found themselves completely tangled in each other, and fell to the floor with a thud.
"Mmmph htmmm?" asked Yuuri, with a face full of carpet.
"I don't know! This is all your fault! Why do I have such a wimp for a fiancé?"
And that is how they were discovered in the morning by Gunter, who upon seeing them promptly fainted.
"Oh, His Majesty has been despoiled of his purity and innocence! What a cruel world we live in! What odious tidings for our future!" Since nobody could cart him off to the infirmary, they just left him there. The job of untangling Wolfram and Yuuri was up to Conrad and Greta, who each grabbed one with their teeth and pulled until they became untangled.
"What was that noise you were making last night, Your Majesty?" asked armless Conrad, straightening out his pant-leg with his teeth.
"Yeah, what were you two doing last night?" asked Greta. Yuuri froze, unwilling to reveal to his young daughter the world of love-making.
"Uh… Wolfram was just painting me a picture!"
"Really, Your Majesty? In the dark? And for only five minutes?" asked Conrad.
"Of course!" Wolfram said haughtily, "That is how the best painters paint!" He waved his hand towards a canvas that he had been working on for months. Conrad walked over to inspect it.
"Hmm, it shows." Greta nodded in agreement.
Wolfram decided to never get out of bed again, ever.