Chapter 5: Diary of a Wimpy King

Dfear diuary,

Today wads intrerhestung. I weewnt nfor a jjog. Stilkl cant busses artms.

Love.,shibuyaa tyuueri hastrsasjuuiku fuurri

Yuuri's diaries were getting shorter by the day. It was hard to write with your toes. Not to mention the earthquakes. But if you insist on mentioning them, there had been persistent earthquakes in the area for the last week. Nobody knew where they were coming from. Everyone assumed it was Anissina's doing.

Everyone seemed to be in a bad mood. Conrad sulked because he couldn't decapitate people on a whim anymore. Wolfram sulked because Yuuri still wouldn't do the deed with him, and he thought the arm-banning law was stupid. Gwendal and Gunter were probably sulking, except no one had seen them since the incident with Anissina. Come to think of it, besides the occasional wall taken out by her horrible contraption, there was little sign of Anissina either.

Yuuri strolled along the castle courtyard, trying to keep everyone's spirits up. But privately, the cogs were churning in his brain. He was beginning to realize that possibly, just possibly, this law wasn't the greatest idea. But he wasn't about to let the thought of his actions ruining the lives and livelihoods of the citizens of his country get him down! He was going to throw a party! He would invite delegates from all over the world to the party, to come see what Shin Makoku was like under the new rules!

"Yes," said Wolfram, "That is a brilliant idea. Then our enemies can storm in and take over! Or, if not that, maybe we can take hostages! People from other countries can become our slaves and use their arms to help us!"

Yuuri squashed that idea.

And so they stood, overlooking the courtyard, wondering what to do next. Well, Wolfram knew what to do next.

"Yuuri, I am sorry for trying to go too far the other night."

"It's okay, Wolfram, I know you were frustrated because you can't use your arms."

"I was thinking that maybe I was moving too fast! I should have at least tried to make out with you first."

"Wolfram! I don't want to make out with you!"

"Come on, Yuuri! I'm obeying your stupid law, you have to give me something."

"You can't make out with someone without use your arms, Wolfram! It isn't sexy."

One of Wolfram's eyebrows raised.

"Oh, I can make it sexy." He sort of moves his chest in a way that he thought was attractive. It wasn't.

"Wolfram, that's not sexy."

Wolfram stuck out his tongue and then licked all around his lips in a circular motion.

"Wolfram, this isn't working! Didn't your mom teach you anything?"

Finally, Wolfram bumped his chest against Yuuri's, and rubbed it up and down.

"See? We can make out like this!"

Yuuri wished that something, anything would stop this from happening.

Suddenly, the ground began to quake!

"W-what is that?" asked Wolfram, looking over the balcony.

"Another earthquake. Are we on top of a volcano or something?"

Below them, the earth had begun to move.

"There's something down there! Someone do something!" people cried.

Conrad was in his room, tossing a baseball against the wall using only his abs. He heard their cries and knew that it was time to rise above, to overcome his obstacles. But how?

He walked over to the mirror and looked at himself.

"Look at you. You are pathetic. Since when have you ever needed your arms to kill things? You can still roundhouse-kick people in the face. You're badass. Come on, Conrad. Save the town. Save the world.

Outside, the ground finally broke as a giant drill roared into view. They had come, whatever they were.

Conrad was still looking in the mirror. Something was off. He looked closer, squinting, trying to see exactly what wasn't right about his reflection.

"I AM ABELONE, DESTROYER OF EARTH! I HAVE WAITED LONG TO UNLEASH MY WRATH UPON THE WORLD! WHAT SAY YOU, DENIZENS OF EARTH? ARE YOU READY TO FACE THE DRILL?"

"We're doomed," said Wolfram.