AN: This one goes out to Haewoni! Thanks for the reviews and the support. This is a bit of a departure from the previous chapters in this story- it's sad and there is some OC character death (although the ending is a little more upbeat than I had planned. I think I'm incapable of doing pure angst. I get enough of that in real life!). After this one, I will probably back track in time a little bit for the next chapter.
Loss
End of movie +10 years
Gawain didn't know what to say to the midwife. All he heard was a rushing sound in his ears ever since she'd told him the news.
Valeria was dead.
The child was stillborn.
Valeria was dead.
He didn't really know how to comprehend that. He knew that childbirth was always risky and this baby had been a surprise, but Valeria wasn't much over thirty…they should've had plenty more years together.
He blinked and looked around the room. Vanora was in the corner with his two girls. Lucia was just twelve and crying hysterically. And ten year old Morwen was looking down at the floor, obviously trying to hold back her own tears. His younger daughter had always been a quiet creature. Although she looked more like him she had always been soft spoken like her mother; Valeria was the only one who seemed to understand Morwen. Gawain had no idea what to say to either daughter.
He met Lucan's eyes and saw his foster son clap Felix on the shoulder. Declan, his youngest, looked at his father hopefully, as though he thought that if Gawain said his mother was alright it would be true. Gawain strode purposefully out of the house ignoring everything else but his own need to escape from the oppressive weight he could feel burning through his chest. He could hear voices, people whose voices he should recognize, calling after him. But he shut it out. All he could feel was pain ripping into him. He couldn't stay in that little house where his wife's body was.
Gawain stayed out by the lake all day. No one came to find him and he was grateful. He needed this time, this day, to be by himself. He knew that once he went back, he would have to be strong and there would be no Valeria there to touch his hand during the day to let him know that she loved him. No Valeria to talk to at night about how he was hurting. There would be no Valeria ever again.
As the sun set, Gawain knew he had to return home. He wasn't ready to face what his life would be like now that she was gone, but he knew it had to be done. He hadn't been ready for his first battle against the Woads, but he had done it nonetheless. And he had survived.
He heaved himself off the bank absently realizing that he was wet all over. It must've rained while he'd been sitting out there. When he walked back in the house, his daughters ran to him and he hugged them closely. Felix, Declan, and Lucan looked at him with worry in their eyes. He could tell that they were trying to be strong for him and for their sisters. He gestured them forward and even though Felix was fourteen and Lucan was already a knight and had fought in battles of his own, all three boys rushed forward towards the hug.
Gawain didn't know how long they stood there; his arms started to go numb and he realized that all of them were crying. He pulled himself together, knowing that now he had to be strong for his children. He pulled away and looked at them all. Lucia was sad and angry; her emotions were easy to read on her face. Morwen was…devastated. He didn't know another word for the expression on his youngest daughter's face.
Little Declan, only six last week, didn't seem to really understand what this meant, but knew that it was something was bad. Lucan looked like he didn't really know what was going to happen now, reminding Gawain not of a new knight, but more of the scared young boy who they had taken in at Valeria's insistence. And Felix. Felix, their lucky charm- the reason they had their life together in the first place. Felix was already steeling himself to look after everyone else.
"I'll take care of everything, Dad." Felix said with a determined nod. Gawain went to stop him, not wanting his son have to bear the burden of being strong for everyone else. He himself had had to bear that burden so many times before and he didn't want that for his son.
"I'll help." Lucan said with a firm nod before Gawain could object. The boys quickly left the room and Gawain could feel a fierce love for his children almost overwhelm him; almost block out the gut wrenching pain he felt at the loss of his wife. He moved to sit down on the sofa where Declan quickly claimed his lap and Lucia and Morwen sat on either side of him. He sighed and leaned back tilting his head up to stare at the ceiling of their house. He felt numb, but he also felt a sense of certainty settle on his heart as he thought of the future.
He would survive. He gave Declan a hug and kissed the top of Lucia and Morwen's heads. He thought of his children and realized that he had to carry on; he couldn't allow himself to succumb to his grief like he had done today. There was still plenty of work for him to do on this godforsaken island.
AN: Please review and let me know what you think.