ACK...I am not even sure what this is, it was meant to be a simple talk that ended in friendship between Speedy and Raven...but he doesn't want to let go, so then it was going to be Speedy and Raven getting together...then Robin wouldn't let go...damn these characters and their own ideas. So please be gentle, but read and review :)
Disclaimer: SO very not mine...they all have a mind completely their own.
"Raven?" The name was turned into a question…a concern.
"I am fine." She gave the answer that she had been giving for the last two weeks, the lie that made her heart twist when she saw the disbelief on her friend's expressions.
"Fine doesn't lock themselves away," His voice was anger to cover his worry, "Fine doesn't run away from their friends."
"What does it matter to you?" Raven turned to look at him, no anger in her tone. Over the last few weeks she had reached a new level of apathy when dealing with him, no one would know how her heart bled every time she heard his voice; no one would know how her mind screamed at each look he sent her way.
"Stop pushing me away," He sighed and shoved a hand through his hair, "Are you taking lessons from Robin?"
She stopped; her mind and her movements froze at his words. "Roy, I…I'm sorry." To no one else would she have apologized for her behavior, but Speedy deserved more than what she was giving him. So much more than she would ever give him.
"No, I'm sorry. That was uncalled for." He tried a smile, wondering if his lips still knew the movements. "I'm just tired, this whole situation hurts."
"I should never have said yes to you." She whispered, eyes turned from him and on the horizon. The sun had set, but the moon had yet to rise so they stood in the dusky twilight, each immersed in their own thoughts.
"I don't regret that Raven," He replied carefully, above all else he would remain her friend if he could no longer be her lover. "Even if I had known what was to come, I wouldn't have avoided those months together."
"They were good months." Her voice softened with memory, "I'll never have that with him you know?"
"I know." And he couldn't stop the thrill of triumph knowing that he had given her what Robin wouldn't; that he had held her when Robin wouldn't and that she had come willingly to his arms with a smile on her lips. "In a way I am glad."
"Yes," She gave him a hint of a smile from beneath the shadows of her hair. "So am I, memories like that are few. I never did thank you for giving them to me."
"I didn't do it just for you," This time that old familiar smirk settled on his face. "It was for rather selfish reasons as well."
"What is love if not selfish?" She swept back her hood and hair to look him fully in the eye. After all hadn't she been selfish in her own way?
"Love is exactly what is tearing us both up," He paused, unsure of whether or not to say what was in his mind. "Love is what causes bird boy to act the way he does, if he didn't love you he wouldn't run and fight so hard."
A gentle smile of longing curved her lips and reached into her eyes, "I know that too, they say you can't choose who to love, but no one told me that the heart could or would choose twice."
"You chose him in the end Raven, isn't that what matters?" He winced at the harshness in his tone, but she just nodded at him slightly as she took his question at face value.
"Is this the end?" She asked solemnly, "I have been through many ends in my life; this doesn't really have the feeling of finality to it."
"Maybe because it didn't end the way you wanted." He tried to ignore the pain in his heart when she nodded at him again. He tried not to notice how beautiful she looked in the approaching night; he tried to simply be a friend.
"Roy, I don't know what I want and that is my problem." Feeling absurdly vulnerable under his suddenly sharp gaze she shifted away from him to watch the moon rise. She had learned while they were dating how to open herself to him, but this was more like rubbing salt in an open wound for her and she was sure it was no more pleasant for him.
"I thought you wanted Robin, I thought that was why you sent me away." He was baffled by this turn in her mind, she had been so sure…so determined when she had told him that they were over. "What do you want Raven, don't think, just answer."
"I always think before I answer," She replied dryly. "I want the impossible. You never went away really. How was I supposed to know how accustomed to you I was, how was I supposed to know that you would visit my dreams. I thought I did what was right, now…" Her voice trailed off.
He tore his gaze from her still form and he too watched the moon begin it's slow ascent."I won't ever go away Raven; I care for you too much to disappear from your life. I am not Robin, I am not going to ignore what I feel and I am not going to force what I think should happen onto you."
"I'm not playing games Roy," She gave a shrug of her shoulders that he caught out of the corner of his eye, but he still didn't look at her. "I'm not someone who wants to cause pain, at least not emotional pain. I don't want this." She whispered indicating the emotions that were running rampant within them both with a wave of her hand.
"You couldn't play games if you tried Raven," He gave a quick smile her direction before turning his attention back to the sky. "You may not think so, and Robin may not see it, but you wear every emotion that you feel in your eyes. I can read you; I could before I asked you to be mine. I knew how you felt about Robin, but I knew that you had feelings for me as well. I hoped that in time you would move past him, I forgot what an integral part of your life he is and he was."
"Love hurts." Was her reply, distant and full of unrecognized pain.
"Don't give up on the idea of us Raven, think about it." He barely kept the pleading out of his voice and he resolutely stared blankly out at a moon he had long stopped seeing.
"I never stop thinking about you." She turned to him and he mirrored her position, "But I never stop thinking about him either. My mind is leading half my heart in one direction and the other half of my heart doesn't know whether to hold onto the past or to move forward." She shook her head as she tried to make her thoughts clear. "I can't ask you to wait and I won't."
He gave a self depreciating smile, "You don't have to say a word Raven, and I will wait until the end of the world if I have to. He may have rescued you from hell, but I am the one who held you at night when your nightmares of that place wracked your body with sobs and soaked your skin in fear. I'm not going anywhere."
Slow realizations spun through her mind, he was right. Robin did love her and he had rescued her from hell, but then he had left her to deal with the consequences of that afterwards and it had been Speedy's arms that had held her, rocked her and soothed her until she could face the dark again.
"Whatever you decide, whatever you do, stop running from those of us who want to be your friends." He laid a hand on her shoulder and they turned as one towards the roof door.
"I just need time and I may never make the decision you want." She eyed him out of the corner of her eye as they headed in the tower.
"I know," He smiled at her and again ignored the intense pain he had at the thought of losing her forever. "I just…I just want you to be happy and sure of your decision." And he realized that whatever she decided in the end, whatever happened between them that this statement held more truth than anything he had ever said before.
"You're a good man Roy," They stopped at the door to her room. "Maybe too good of a man for me."
"No man is good enough for you Raven, never doubt that." He bent down and feathered a kiss across her lips, "But I would do my damnedest to be what you needed." He turned and walked back down the hall towards the control room, hoping to find distraction in Beastboys's antics or Cyborg's technical talk; or hell a fight between the two of them over tofu and meat would be welcome right now.
Raven entered her room and leaned back against the door after it had shut. What was she going to do? Why couldn't love be simple? Why couldn't it place him in either the category of lover or friend? Why did she have to want both?
So many questions buzzed around her head that she felt dizzy and this was probably why she failed to notice the presence outside her door or feel the emotions swirling around the hallway where she had stood only moments before
Robin leaned against the wall next to Raven's room, a little sick at what he had seen and fully understanding why. Speedy wanted Raven, no matter that she had sent him away, he never left. Robin knew why this bothered him and there was no longer any sense in lying to himself.
"I love her," He whispered almost inaudibly, "I don't want to lose her." Stunned at his revelation, angry at this awakening he felt a pain sear through his heart and gut. Unsure of what it was he stood in the hallway unsteadily. "Who knew love would hurt so much?" He asked the shadows and finally moved off to his own room to brood on the matter and more so, on what he was supposed to do about it. If anything should be done at all.