Almost lost him. Almost lost him. Almost lost him.

The words kept repeating over and over in his mind doing nothing to quell the furious beating of his heart as he held the still trembling unconcious form of Kurama as tightly as he could to his chest.

Fucking bastard! I'm going to fucking kill him! Almost lost him...

It had been so close.

If Orochi had continued any longer in torturing Kurama.

If he had let Kurama fall to the center of the cell instead of tossing him closer to Yusuke.

If he had not been able to snag the shoulder of Kurama's shirt, thank every good and decent thing in world that Kurama liked well made clothing so it had not ripped as he had yanked his friend closer.

By then Kurama's lips were a frightening shade of blue. He was no expert, had no clue how to preform CPR but he figured he had seen it enough times on TV to fake it.

What else could he have done?

Kurama hadn't been breathing so he had breathed for him.

It had only required him breathing a few times into Kurama before he felt the other young man's own lungs pull the air from him. The relief that poured through him had made his eyes sting with sudden tears that he had pushed back in favor of collecting Kurama into his arms.

Now he sat, his face buried in Kurama's hair trying to stem the cyclone of emotions ripping at him.

Almost lost him damn it!

Slowly his heartbeat began to reduce its maddening pace. His throat stopped trying to strangle him as his emotions settled somewhat. He knew the body, the one wracked with shudders that seemed intent on shaking Kurama apart, was functioning. He could feel Kurama's breathing through the assault of the trembling, it caught occasionally but it never stopped.

The one thing he did not know was whether or not he was clinging to Kurama or if it was a shell, empty of that defining spirit that he needed to be there.

The fear began to claw at him again, tightening his chest.

It made no sense. He had experienced things like this before. With the Saint Beast Suzaku, having to watch Keiko and Botan being hunted down. All of those close fights during the Dark Tournament when the others had almost lost their lives. Elder Toguro and his fingers in Kuwabara's chest. Over and over again he had dealt with his friend's lives being threatened, almost losing them, even thinking he had but this for some reason was different.

There's nothing I can do! There's no fight to this! There's no blood! There's...damn it! It isn't a fair fucking fight!

A memory surfaced, expanded into his thoughts. Kurama in the ring, bloodied and warded against using his energies. Green eyes meeting his full of determination.

"Let me do what I must."

Was that when he realized it? When Kurama took on a difference in his mind then the others? Or had that come later? When that bastard Bakken had been beating on Kurama while he was unconcious. When he had almost disqualified them by using his spirit gun to stop what Bakken was doing.

Watching that had been close to this nightmare except for one crucial thing. Kurama knew what was happening now, knew what Orochi's touch was doing to him, and was voluntarily allowing it to happen to keep him safe.

Back then he had understood completely what Kurama was doing. The sacrifice that might cost him his life. All of their lives were on the line but for some reason the commitment level always seemed different when it came to the two of them.

Hiei could have cared less one way or the other, to him dieing in any fight was just a matter of what happened. His life was given to the fight not necessarily for anyone. Kuwabara had just never seemed to realize the full reality of it, not that he wasn't willing to but it was still different then how he and Kurama grasped it.

That kind of sacrifice it was easy. You gave up your life so someone else could live. Simple, so simple even Kuwabara got the idea.

But this...this wasn't just giving up your life. It was suffering. It was putting yourself through the worst thing imaginable before even entertaining the idea of dieing. Sure the fights could have been seen in the same light, there was pain involved in that but it was on equal footing. One blow was traded for another. It was fair because of the opportunity to give as good as you got.

Why would Kurama put himself through something like this? Would he be able to do it?

The thought did not make the fear eating at him ease up, it made it dig in deeper.

"Wake up Kurama!" he snapped shaking the red head, "You fucking wake up or I fucking swear I'm going to cut off all your hair! I'm going to burn all your stupid damn seeds!"

That felt better, the burst of rage shoving the chaotic thoughts out of his mind. Threats were good. They were normal, sane instead of the fucked up backwards concept of him thinking to much and Kurama being the emotional mess.

"You better shove him out Youko! You shove that moron out or the next time I see you I'm going to kick your ass! Don't think I can't! I'll fucking get Koenma to send me to the spirit world if I have to! I'll hunt your silver ass down and you'll wish that hunter had killed you! I'll..."

A whisper of a laugh slipped through the darkened grey...

I think he means it...

Another whisper of amusement colored with fondness...

Are we that close to being dead? That I can feel you now?

Talking to ourselves? A mark of insanity I believe.

Youko...

Really Kurama there was no other outcome.

I refuse to believe that. There are always other possibilities.

If you believe that then why are you still here?

Resting...

Ah...lying to one's self is also a sign of insanity.

I am not insane.

Not yet. You're aiding Orochi by holding onto your illusions.

Silence full of anger, fear, need, shame, confusion.

Amusement...

You began this. You put your head in the noose. I would never have committed so fully to such a desparate gamble Kurama.

It was necessary!

Was it?

Yusuke...

And that is the real reason you hide still. It isn't the pain. Pain is momentary. Yusuke. Your humanity shines through. I thought we had decided it was not a weakness Suichi.

Resentment and amusement clashed causing the silence to thicken, roll with deadly intent.

Even better...wishing to kill one's inner most demons, with us that takes on a whole new meaning doesn't it Kurama.

You would never understand.

We are the same. You just have not realized I accept this part of us, know it's inner workings. You are after all discussing your thoughts with yourself. Yes I do believe we are not so sane after all.

Perhaps...

Is it so awful? To trust? To be dependent? What we once were serves little purpose now. Longing for it when you do not really wish to ever fully be so again makes little sense don't you agree?

Confusion superseded the other emotions all except that constant amusement...

Give in Kurama. To need is not to fail. Failure comes when there is nothing left of us to continue and we are after all the master of escapes. Failure comes when there is nothing left to feel and wasn't that what we decided this humanity was worth keeping for?

"...and then I'm going to..."

It hurt, dragging himself out of the greyness. Every part of his body vibrated with the aching leftovers of the third session of Orochi's touch. He could not stop the trembling but the pressure of Yusuke's arms around him, the feel of his rapidly beating heart was enough to focus his thoughts on.

"You do...realize I am Youko." he forced himself to say.

Yusuke jerked stopping mid tirade, his face pale as he stared down at him, "k...Kurama?"

There was to much hope in Yusuke's voice, more fear then he felt necessary for the moment. He concentrated, noting it was not only his body that was trembling.

"What is it?" he asked tiredly.

"I..."

It made him want to laugh though he lacked the energy for such a response. Apparently there were situations that even Yusuke found to overwhelming for words. He was having conversations with himself. There was no end to the degrees of dark humor in the universe.

"Yusuke...please..."

Yusuke's face crumpled and for a horrifying moment he thought he would burst into tears, then Yusuke gathered himself by looking away for a second. He was grateful for that. That glimpse into Yusuke's emotions had left him dazed with it's implications.

"You stopped breathing." Yusuke finally said bringing his eyes back to his.

"Before or after Orochi left?"

"That's what you care about?!"

He tried unsuccessfully to straighten, pull out of Yusuke's tight embrace. Partially due to his own weakness and partially due to Yusuke's refusal to release him enough to do so.

"Yes that is what I care about." he returned letting his anger show, "Was it before or after Orochi left?"

"After I guess. He probably would have let me go if he would have thought you were dead."

Yusuke's building anger fed into his own. This time he found the energy to shove himself out of the to tight arms, sitting forward so that he did not have to look at his friend. The anger he could understand even welcomed in the face of the emotions before that. It was his own chaotic responses that he sought to keep from flaring as wildly as they had before.

"I'm not insane Yusuke." he insisted quietly, "I realize that must have been difficult for you..."

Yusuke snorted behind him but remained silent.

"...I'm here now. Isn't that what matters?"

"I hate you."

Not the response he had thought he would get but it was said with the wrong amount of insistence. It was as if Yusuke was trying to convince himself he could hate him and failing miserably at it.

"If that is what you need to believe."

"I wouldn't you know."

Against his better judgment he turned to Yusuke lifting an eyebrow. Yusuke was glaring at the ground, anger still predominant on his features.

"You wouldn't?" he prompted with a sigh.

"Do this crap for you. I'd let him mess with your head to."

This did bring a laugh out of him. It was such a ridiculous statement to him.

"I see."

Yusuke shrugged, his gaze never wandering, "I'd tell him to only fuck with you and leave me out of it. I'd throw you at him and let him do whatever."

"You believe that?"

"Yeah I do. Nobody cares that much Kurama. Nobody does this sort of shit. Not really. It's fucking movie shit. Where everything always turns out perfect and nobody ends up dead, the good guys always win sort of bullshit. Nobody cares that much."

"Ah," he breathed understanding some of what was being said, "you forget one thing. The friend always dies near the end."

"You want me to fucking hit you Kurama?"

"Is it so hard to believe someone would care that much Yusuke? Or is it that you feel you should not be cared for that much?" he asked quietly drawing Yusuke's full attention to him.

It was in his eyes. The want for him to deny that he did. Yusuke Urameshi was many things. A spirit detective. A fighter. A friend. One thing he did not want to be was someone worthy of love, not the kind that would allow for the suffering he was being put through. And worst yet Yusuke who would do anything to not be valued in that way had only just realized how much he valued him.

"In as much as you need me here, I need you here." he confessed drawn to honesty against his first inclination to stay silent in the face of that knowledge, "There have been very few times I could have said that about anyone in my life. If you wanted me to find no value in your life you should never have offered your own that night at the hospital."

"I'm not your mom."

"No which makes the fact all that much more painful to know in these circumstances." he replied curiously at ease now that he had begun down this trek of admission, "As far as you were concerned she was the only human that mattered to me."

"No its just that..." he trailed off with a lost look.

"That it is you." he supplied.

"Sure..now your brain works." Yusuke grumbled frowning.

"A failing of mine." he allowed if only to try and lighten the mood.

Yusuke snorted, removing his hand from his arm. He had not been aware of the touch until the second it was no longer there.

...ripping into his back again, searing agony but different. His body jerked away from the touch of the lash, the torment of his skin splitting...

Reality again, facing Yusuke who had a hold of both his arms. He blinked clearing the blur of pain from his eyes. It had taken him so fast. He lowered his eyes as a gnawing fear started to grow.

"Let go of me for a moment."

"The hell I will!"

"Please Yusuke."

He did not want him to but he had to know. It was done grudgingly, one hand at a time.

...blood pouring down, the lash tore across his back again...

Breathing heavily as reality slammed into him.

"I can't let go of you."

"Don't...please don't let go..."