But it isn't alright. It can't ever be alright again, not like this...

Yusuke closed his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed with aching sadness. He did not want to keep hurting. He could not see why it continued to hurt so deeply. Why he could not breathe at times because of it's strength. All he did know was that it felt he was constantly in the first stages of loss. This gut wrenching, throat closing well of despair could only be described as that.

And the only way it even feels a little better is when I'm near him but it hurts worse in a different way to be this close...

"It isn't your fault." he finally said opening his eyes to meet Kurama's.

Kurama only gazed at him. He knew what was going through the fox demon's mind. How strongly he was silently denying his words with ever fiber of his being. It was in every lack of motion, in the strained,thickening hush that settled between them. It was so viscous it enveloped him, grating against his skin.

"It isn't your fault damn it!" he shouted at Kurama, "It was whoever hired that bastard's fault! It just happened! There was nothing we could do about it!"

"If that's true then why is it destroying us?"

There were times he hated the gentle quality to his voice. If there was a voice specifically made to express the depths of desolation it was Kurama's. No one else could have evoked such abrupt heart wrenching compassion, a need to erase that emptiness conveyed with just those few words.

"Because." he said obstinately.

It was destroying them because they had held each others souls together during those two days.

It was destroying them because being in charge of a soul meant so much more then just simple expression. It was more then being in charge of someone's heart. It was cradling something more fragile then the finest glass.

They had held those precious things, knowing their actions were desperate and useless. Watching those fine cracks appear even with as carefully as they treated them, failing to protect them though they had been struggling so determinedly to do just that.

Those basic fine lines that determined any one relationship had been erased between them out of necessity, willingly at the time but only now could the full impact of doing so be felt. Those lines, once instinctual left them floundering in the wake of their absence. Oddly enough they had done this without saying much of anything at all, understanding things neither had confessed without needing to having voice it. Doing so had opened their eyes to more truths then either had be prepared to face.

It was destroying them because they were not supposed to live through seeing each other in the way they did now.

It was destroying them because in essence they had made their deathbed confessions to each other in their own way.

It was destroying them because there was no one else to turn to for comfort except for the person they felt the most vulnerable with, the most exposed to.

And finally it was destroying them because both of them were still trying so desperately to convince themselves that it shouldn't matter.

They had lived through it.

They had survived.

The good guys had won. The bad guy had died. And the friend had made it through to the end.

That should have been enough. To survive.

In the end it turned out sometimes the fight came after surviving something as traumatic as what had happened in that cell. When there was no longer a common enemy to rail against. When there were only the pieces laying around them of how they use to be and both of them frozen in fear of the unknown final product of putting themselves, each other back together again.

"That is hardly a convincing argument."

"You aren't looking for an argument. You want me to hit you." he snapped then rolled his eyes as Kurama looked away, "I'm not going to."

"I have no idea how to make this easier for you Yusuke."

"You really piss me off you know that?"

"Why is that?"

"You're still doing it. You're still trying to protect me. You're still worrying about just me. What the fuck is that Kurama?! Why can't you just stop?! Why can't you let yourself be hurt?! Why can't you just think of yourself for once?!"

"I did that. It led to this. I believe that simply proves it is not in anyone's best interest for me to be self centered." Kurama tilted his head, "None of it was your doing. You did not fail..."

"Yeah I did." he denied turning away sick with his own disturbing need to take responsibility, "I didn't protect you like I should have."

"That is not true."

"This is stupid." he muttered frustrated.

"Finally something we agree on."

He had no idea where the impulse came from. It was not something he would have normally done when someone was so dead set on being blamed for everything. Normally he might have hit them just out of frustration. Instead he spun and wrapped his arms around Kurama.

It was a bit awkward. Kurama stiffened immediately but that just made him tighten his hold.

"Yusuke..."

"I'm not letting you go." he growled angry with both of them for being such cowards that they were both shaking, "I'm not."

This had been a part of those conflicting emotions. He had been forced by Orochi to do just that, to release his hold on Kurama in that last moment when everything in him had been screaming against doing so. Brave words or not there had been mind blowing, heart rending terror in him the instant he no longer could feel the contact.

"Please..."

"You have to stop." he said softly swallowing hard against the choking dark emotions warring in him with what should have been light emotions, "You're hurting just as bad as me maybe even worse but you won't just let yourself feel any of it. It's so stupid Kurama. It's so fucking useless."

For a heartbeat Kurama entertained the idea of throwing Yusuke off of him. He was capable of doing so though he was weaker for lack of sleep. There was no longer anything interfering with his demonic energies, he was strong enough to remove himself from the embrace. He even brought his hands up to do just that but they only made it to his shoulders.

He had expected violent conflict. Perhaps in some way had even wanted it.

He could still feel the rage that had gripped him in the cell seeing Orochi's fingers in Yusuke. He had not known he was capable of that type of possessiveness towards another. Nor had he known the strength true hatred could inspire.

He never intended for Yusuke to ever know the finality of his last acts in the cell. How he had focused on two separate concepts with everything that he was.

The first had involved manipulating the fight between him and Orochi to free Yusuke enough to give him a fighting chance against the assassin. Orochi had unwittingly confirmed that what held Yusuke's energies in check were the chains he was bound with.

He should have deduced that fact on his own. Along with a few others but that had been the intent behind Orochi's first pulse of energies, it had clouded his judgment. That initial wash had paved the way to making him vulnerable to what Orochi's true abilities entailed.

So he had maneuvered the fight, playing with Orochi until Orochi himself had discharged a blast of energy that had dislodged one of Yusuke's chains from the wall. He could only hope it was enough for Yusuke to be able to defend himself.

The second concept was simple. He could not stand another of Orochi's touches. He would not submit to it for the fourth time under any circumstances. So though his attack had been in reaction to seeing Yusuke suffering in the end he had been attempting to drive Orochi to kill him.

In thinking that last thing there had been no calculation. There had been no sense of self preservation. Only the hope that if Yusuke ever understood that he could forgive his cowardice after all that had happened.

Here, beyond that he had no idea what to do with this new knowledge of himself.

He was being given a peace offering of sorts and his first instinct was to throw it as far away from himself as possible. Yusuke was right. It was stupid and useless to avoid dealing with what he knew was at the core of their relationship now.

Their mutual need for each other in what ever form it would eventually take. They could continue to fight it, causing themselves and each other more harm. Or they could begin to face it though that seemed just as daunting a task as attempting to fight it.

A shudder ran through him and Yusuke's arms tightened.

There was shelter here, one he knew he needed. One that he might always feel a need for which could possibly be what frightened him the most. The idea that he might always wake from nightmares filled with Orochi's dark torment and pleasure and his own agony. That he might forever be so severely damaged that he required such delicate treatment.

"I'm so tired Yusuke." he breathed meaning it from the center of his being.

"Finally something we agree on." Yusuke murmured then pulled back meeting his eyes, "Even my toenails are tired."

He suppressed a heavy sigh as Yusuke's arms fell away from him. It was odd how that small gesture had eased some of the pain he had been in only moments before.

Yusuke tucked his hands into the pockets of his jacket, turning, "So...come on then."

"Where?" he asked confused as Yusuke stepped away.

"Well you're tired right?" Yusuke asked looking back at him.

"Yes..." he answered unsure as to where this was leading.

Yusuke sighed heavily, "Seriously you are stupid for being so damn smart."

He waited the young man out. There were to many things he could have said at that point that would have effectively put Yusuke in his place but he was somewhat curious as to what he meant.

"This is officially my last spin at being the brains of this little duo." Yusuke said firmly, "We're going to my house."

"To sleep."

"Yes to sleep."

"It takes more then that to get me into bed Yusuke Urameshi."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. My bed is bigger that's all. And nobody will bug us since my mom is out of town. Yours will just think you left early for school or something. Now come on before I change my mind."

He shook his head, catching up to Yusuke in only a few steps. It was a rather simple solution to their most immediate problem. Neither of them had been sleeping much.

The walk to Yusuke's house was made in silence, neither up to continuing to pretend that anything was normal. The silence continued when they entered the house, following them into Yusuke's bedroom until after they had changed into clothing more suitable for sleeping.

Yusuke was sitting on the edge of the bed when he returned from the bathroom, picking his head up as Kurama entered the room. The haunted look had returned to his eyes. Kurama sat next to him on the bed to watch the shadows playing along the far wall.

"May I ask you something Yusuke?" he questioned.

"Sure."

"What was it Orochi showed you?"

"Don't..." Yusuke whispered his voice rough with emotion, "Please don't ask me that. I...just anything else."

He studied Yusuke out of the corner of his eye. He had his suspicions of what the assassin had planned for his final torture, Yusuke's reaction more or less confirmed them. He closed his eyes against the resurgence of guilt.

"You don't have to take it on." Yusuke said, "not everything. Doesn't it...it's enough what you already have isn't it?"

"Yes." he agreed opening his eyes.

By some silent communication they arranged themselves in bed, him facing the wall. Their backs were pressed up against each other. The sensation made Kurama sigh so deeply that he shuddered with the ease of tension.

"Kurama?"

"Yes?"

"Does everything have to have a word?"

"Another of those questions you think I understand?"

"No I mean, does everything have to have a definition. Like if it doesn't then does that mean it doesn't matter?"

He considered his words carefully before answering. It was an odd enough question to warrant at least some thought on the subject. He had a distinct feeling Yusuke was going to remember what he said in answer for a long time.

"No not everything is so quickly defined Yusuke. Some things just simply are without such trappings."

Another silence. His eyes refused to remain open while Yusuke's body heat lulled him into sleep.

"Kurama?"

"Yes?"

"Want to spoon?"

"If you think your reputation could handle such tarnishing."

This time it was Yusuke who sighed heavily with relief. The last had been said with just a hint of amusement. A very sorely missed sound.

For the first time in three weeks both young men fell into deep slumber. If a few hours later Yusuke began to toss, in the throes of his nightmare it was a gentle hand that woke him and allowed him to fall back into sleep. When it was Kurama who began to shudder trapped in his own twisted dreams it was a warm embrace that stilled his trembling.

This was all that mattered.